okayy.. okay.. im just doing the typical use this thing as my out burst on life..it hasnt been easy lately..okay well i dont know this is going to be really hard to just let out theres so much and i just cant hold it in anymore.enough that i just opened up a little while ago to someone ive knowen for like .umm..1 month but just the wayy i did it i wish i could do that more with out someone thinking lower of me or just pointing and saying oh thats the girl..but just the way he talked to me the way he just told me things i never really thought about and when it comes to conclusion and you think about it in a differnt perspective it makes the situation differnt..the reasons for this is NOT my fault and i cant be blaming that on myselff and for someone else to tell me that.or to actually tell me that im doing good was almost like i just got given a million dollars its things so small that can help someones day so much more..the random hugs from close friends you dont see mean so much when you can barley lift your head off the table..just lately.i dont know who i am..i look in the mirror and see a mess..someone who just lost everything good they have left going for me and the only thing i do have left is something thats easy..something that i dont have to deal with..volleyball.. thats how much ive lost..and to the point im so scared lately. im usually the type to walk up and be like hey and start something but now its like everything to me is stupid because i know im going to have to deal with it and i dont want that i dont want people that i have to make plans with i dont want a life .. just i dont know who i am anymore..like for me to say i dont want people aroudn i dont want to do anything ..i use to be the one trying and trying to get out of the house..but at nights its just like i want to sleep and never wake up..mornings i dont want to wake up and thats not me..i cant deal with anything anymore all i do is just gather it inside me until i cant handle it anymore to the point where i get headaches till i pass out..i cant eat..i cant sleep..im constantly shaking and it hurts me soo much just because 6 months ago i had the greatest things.i had the best group of friends anyone can ask for..i had everythingg perfect that was out of my house.. but when people say family is more important.family is your life..well sometimes its just to me..family is what is ruining me on the inside.someone my age cant hold that much in..i cant hold in i dont know how to let go i dont know how to do anything anymore..and like this person all they said was you promise me to call me when your down..and i said yes but try and pick up the phone to dial there number when your in tears..stuttering your words..you want to talk to them soo bad and just let it go .but at the same time you dont want them to feel less of you and like i dont know how i just let myself go like that..when you have a panic attack in the middle of the basketball court..who are you..at that moment your no one..to yourself and it feels like someone is tearing you right in half but really you just cant handle it..and i know i can do soo much in life..like i have the greatest volleyball coming my way..i have my future planned out..at the age of 15..what else can you have better..but reallyy come to think about it..when you cant even find yourself right now..this second.this day.this moment how are you going to persue in the future..and thats what i need to get straight i need to realize im going to have to deal with things..im going to have to realize there is more then just me who can listen to me..i have to realize i cant hold all of this in.. i just cant i have enough on my shoulders and then you takee the extra things where it shuts you down it makes you feel less of a person.. no one in this world at this age should feel like this ..no one should.. p.s this wont make any sense like i said i just wrote what came to my head..