So who wants doritos? I don't...apple sauce maybe, but no doritos...anyways, how're thing goin with people, places, and/or things? it's been awhile since I've had an update. I pretty big happening has just occured so I feel it is my duty to convey it to everyone else...about 10 minutes ago, sheila and I broke up...yup, you heard me correctly...we broke up...now, you could be saying one of many things right now in responce to this...most are probably "about time" while others who havn't heard much of our problems are saying "aww how sad"...so yea, it's over...I'm no sure if it's over entirely though...it seems to be more of a test trial to see how things really are...so there is a fairly high chance of getting back together soon....but still a hig chance we won'teither...I'm not exactly sure which I want tho...it's too confusing to be able to have a decisive anytime soon...or ever, for that matter...whichever way it goes...we are still friends...for now at least...I'm not even sure how to react to al this...I feel almost nothing at the moment...but then that might be because it hasn't really settled in much...anyways..other than this, not much else has happened...school started, I'm already starting to slack a little...and my job has cut me down to working one night a week...so, life pretty much sucks right now...at least it should...but I feel nothing...no worry, no pain, no joy, no anger...nothing at all, really...I wonder if that's a good thing?

Dreams...they always seem to hold some helpful secrets to reality. Problem is, sometimes those helpful secrets are distorted or comletely invisible. Then again, they might be completely visible and understandable. Either way, once you filter out the unreality of dreams from the message the dream is telling you, you sometimes realize you don't agree or like the message that is being told, the reality that is being shown... It is then your decision whether or not to act upon the message to try and get what you truly want...or to continue being satisfied with the way things are currently...and not take the risk for a better life... The reason I am telling you these things, is because, recently I have begun having a recurring dream that contains a not positivly discernable, yet fairly obvious message that I have to make a decision upon. I am not sure of the reason why I am taking this decision as seriously as I am. I do know, however, that for the past year or so, I have had absolutly no dreams whatsoever. And now, all of a sudden, the dreams begin with this one recurring dream. The decision is an important one too, for if I decide to follow my dream, it will bring what is current and completly flip it around, and while creating a great happiness should I succeed, it will bring with it a terrible sorrow, and a guilt that I am not sure I am ready to bear. Though I should be able to make a decision, I don't believe I am able to come to one because of the emotional importance of it. And because of my inability to make a decision I leave a request to whoever may read this. From the information I have given, tell which you would choose to do: pursue the message inside of the dream and risk losing it all, but chance at gaining more than you've ever had. Or ignore the dream and be content with life as is, neither hating nor loving the way things are. I leave you with that. -Z

Well, whatta upa peopella...well...I'm sick, first it was strep throat, then tonsilitis, now it's mono...doctors can't seem to make up their mind...annoying if you ask me...yea anyways, I'll prolly be out for the rest of the school year, and wanna know something that really sucked...I can't work until after I get rid of this damn sickness...I was supposed to work saturday for my first day (for everyone who didn't know, I just got a job a carter's)...but I was feeling really bad and was almost hospitalized by my damn throat...then I had to get two shots and my blood drawn on friday, and the next morning I got another shot and they had to draw my blood twice (but took six tries to find a vein)...and wanna know ANOTHER bad point...those shots I was talkin about...they would be in the butt...(I just lost anyone who was reading)...anyways, I'm gonna miss exams...nananananana...yeeeaaaa... oooookay...well anyway, I'll prolly still have to take them, just they'll either be sent here or I'll have to go back there to take them...but I still don't have to take it when everyone else does...in other news, my mom is a freak...on the way back from the doctors saturday she stops to looks at some cute puppies...and then pays $300 for one of them...just out of nowhere drops $300 on one of the ugliest looking pups there...so, yea...I now have a dog once more...well, I guess I'll see you guys later...

Hmm...so how do you guys like me new layout?I think it looks pretty cool, simple, yet elegant, no? Bah, who really cares anyways...well, as the name implies...latly, these have been the best days of my life, but the worst part of it as well...both for reasons I can't or don't really want to explain, for reasons that I am not at liberty to discuss with ANYONE at all...except posibly one person...hmm...I want school back...kind of...my mom was gonna buy me a car soon, pontiac grand am, but now that shit has blown away...my report card just HAD to come in today didn't it? I got 4 E's so now she won't let me have the car until my grades are brought up, and I'm fairly certain that the car will be sold by then...well...I think I'm gonna complain about my relationship now...things been fairly great in that area, we got into a small fight today...but other than that, there is no apparent problems, heh actually she let me do a little something that I can do this to: *wink wink*...but even through all the good, a little bad just HAS to shine through doesn't it...remember that fight I mentioned, well, in a normal relationship, it ISN'T a big problem, but sheila seems to be very possesive with me...let me explain...for the past few months, it has been routine that I go over to her house and stay there all day, every day...no big problem with me...but for the past couple days I've been trying to get a day in without her, to relax, you know, have no worries...but she is completely against that for some reason...jus one day is all I've been asking...anyway, today I went over there, and then left without her knowing, to come back to my house to take me meds, she calls and tells me to come back down, but I say that I want to stay here for the rest of the day...well, that's where we started fighting...anyway, we got back settled and I had the rest of the day to myself...kind of...but anyway...I have another bad thing happening in this relationship too...well, not really bad...more sad..anyway...I think that we are slowly drifting apart...in a way...nothing seems special anymore...the sparks are becoming more of an annoying glare...I don't know...maybe I'm jus imagining things cuz I havn't had sleep lately...no real way to tell...well, speaking of sleep...I'm getting tired...so c u guys later

Hey, it's been awhile since I've been on here...ok, not true...it's been awhile since i've put an entry on here...well where should I start...every since I've started going out with sheila, it's been somewhat of a miserable bliss...yea, she's fun and i'm always happy around her...but lately I've been starting to feel the strain of having her as a girl-friend...never being able to relax...and never having time to just think...I don't think I like that...and on top of that, I believe old problems are beginning to arise again...things that i don't believe i handled very well last time...I know i won't make the same mistakes...but there's bound to be consequences that I won't like...no matter what I do to solve the prolem (which i still havn't decided which way to go with it)...but I believe I can handle it...you know...I think I'm slowly losing my ability to remember things very well...I can barly remember my freshman year, only a handful of memories still remain...even fewer remain or the rest of my life...I think I can only remember 1 or 2 things about each year of my life...and it's beginning to annoy me...I can never remember my homework anymore...and I never have to thime to do something that will help me remember...I think I need to slow down with things...I hate to say this...but maybe I need a break from sheila...well, not just from sheila, but from people in general...I don't know, maybe not...I'll figure things out in time...well, speaking of time, it's time for me to go...c u guys later...

So...what's up people...I don't really type in here very much...but then I don't really have time to...I'm not really sure whether or not that's a good or bad thing...oh well...today was a good day...I got to see Sheila, no surprise there...and we went to the movies and watched Hitch...pretty cool movie...then we went home and I gave her, her v-day present...she liked it...and she was glued to me for the rest of the evening...heh...she's so cute when she cuddles up with her teddy bear...well...my mom is being a b**** so I guess I'll end it here for now...

Heh...amazing huh...I've made it a year...a year of what, you ask? Well...tomorrow, the 29th, it will be exactly one year now since my Father passed away...I miss him...and it kills to know that I couldn't cry for him when he died...although eventually I did break down and cry...once...after so long...I think the last time I cried was when I was 5 or around there...when my parents got divorced....hmm...that sucks...although I found out that I really really hate the feeling you get when you cry...I was wanting to for so long...then I finally did...and it sucked ass...I almost hope I never cry again now...but I don't know...I think I'm gonna change the subject now though...this is pretty depressing talk for someone who just had an awesome day...let's see, Sheila came over and my mom decided to show her my baby pictures and videos...great stuff huh??...not...but I guess I don't really mind much...even though she DID see me naked in the bath tub when I was a little kid...rrrr....oh well...then we went back to her house and looked at her pictures and videos of her...and we also looked at the poems her dad wrote for her mom...which is so cool...cept I feel bad now cause I'm no good at poetry... :( anyways...it was her mom's and dad's 33rd anniversary...33 years...long time, huh...I know me and Sheila will last at least that long...I love her too much to allow otherwise...heh...and she made her first dinner for me tonight too...and it wasn't bad...but then she also had the advantage of making my favorite food, so you never know...heh heh, no, it was good...I love her so much, and I always will, for 3 evers (heh, little thing between me and her)...she's gonna go shopping for her dress tomorrow, and she's gonna try to see if they can wait for me to get out of drivers training to go with them...then I can help her pick one out...hehe fun stuff...heh, my mom keeps making jokes about when they're gonna add a room on their house for me...which might as well happen, I mean the only time I'm really home is when I sleep, and when me and Sheila decide to go see my mom, like today...heh...and her parents are thinking about taking me on their 2-week camping trip during the summer, or so I hear anyway...although, also, from what I hear their definition of camping isn't camping at all...if you have one of those big RV's...then it's not camping...or you have anything more technologically advanced than a flashlight, it's not camping(except emergency ad protective gear), and you HAVE to have a tent in order for it to be CAMPING...and I think they break every single one of those rules...grrr, I should show them what camping is, heh, no...they're prolly too old for real camping...don't wanna break em...but I'm gonna show Sheila eventually, I HAVE to...wow...I think this might be my longest entry so far...I don't know...guess I'll see when I post it...heh...guess I just had alot to say this time around...well...I guess I'll catch you peepz later...NIGHT

Heh...so things I "GRRRRRREEEAAATTT!!" (errr...sorry tony...I just took your stripes)cept Sheila is sick...which I am kinda glad...not that she is sick...no, I think THAT sucks...but I like to take care of her...or at least the best I can...gives me a good n' warm feeling inside when I do...heh...and her dad likes me...which is awesome...and a little scary...we ususally gets a ride with him after school, when she's here...but now he has decided to be nice and still pick me up...:D...awesome...well...later

Arggghh...damn I hate things being so fucking confusing...shit yea I love her...and I'm pretty sure she loves me...but if that's true...then why the FUCK do I check my email thinking she sent one breaking up with me...suppose it could be suspicion now that these rumors have hit my ears...whether true or not...even though I thought I'd already ruled out the fact that they might be true...shit oh well, life must go on...uhh well...actually life doesn't HAVE to continue...but most people would probably prefer it...ahhh...so anyways Well...exams are coming up this week...that sucks ass...I HAVE to pass my chem exam to pass the class...althouh, Mr. T does have a cool thing where you automatically get an A for the Sem. if you get 90% or above on the exam...which is what I'm hopin on getting, but I'll need to study...same goes for Bio...cept I can still fail the exam in that class and pass the class itself, for this semester anyway...AND OMG...I'M SO F'IN GLAD CREATIVE WRITING IS DONE...that was about the gayest class ever...but unfortunatly I got web page development next semester in it's place...oh well...heh...Geometry is gonna be so easy...I sleep half the time in that class and do absolutly NO homework and I'm still getting an A...Am History might be a problem, but I think I will be able to do good enough to pass...Am Lit, however, might be a different story...It looks easy, but you never know...and I think I NEED to pass the exam to pass the semester...hrrmmm...oh well...I got it covered...well..I'm like falling asleep in my chair here...so I'll ttyl guys later...peace... (btw....LOVE YA CANDY GIRL)

Hrmm...well, rumors have caught my ears of certain people (who will remain nameless for the time being) who have been trying to split me and Sheila...they seem to have said that the only reason that she went out with me is because she felt sorry for me...although...in a way this makes sense...but there is still no proof either way...ah well actually there might be proof that this is true but isn't any more...many...hints...that slowly have led me to believe these rumors...such as a note to me, from her, that she absolutely refused to let me read...and ended up tearing it into pieces...AND she seems very protective of her email lately as well...but these may still be because of other reasons...we got into a fight about it tonight...and she was crying because I might possibly believe them...I know it's possible to fake tears...but still, she was very convincing...but, in the end, it appears we just ended up closer...heh...and now I've just realized something...she's encouraging her father to take me turkey hunting with them...and this would be in the spring, late march to early april...if we get it, that is...and if you ask me that's saying that she wants to be with me at least for that long...and the source of these rumors might be a little pissed at me right now anyway, so who knows whether or not they are just trying to do something to hurt mine and Sheila's relationship...heh...and another thing...her parents like me...and alot too...which is cool...and apparently the rest of her family has taken to me as well, especially her brother *shudder* ...he spanked me...yea very gay...but I think he only did it because earlier in the night his wife spanked me and I thought he was coming up to do it too, but he wasn't...HA...wow...they're pretty friendly arn't they...bah oh well...they all are beginning to seem like my family too...heh and her nieces and nephews are cool...they may be annoying at times...but most of the time they ain't bad...heh...still havn't ate dinner at my house for over 2 weeks now...but my mom made a very stern statement about having porkchops tomorrow...so I'm guessing she is gonna make me eat here...which I guess is fine...as long as I get to go back over there afterwards...well...it's midnight...and I got to get some sleep...I'll talk to you peeps lata...PeAcE EDIT- OH, and I've decided for those rumor starters...if you are saying that shit...SHUT THE FUCK UP...you've got your own little happy life to live...don't go fucking with everyone elses...

Hey...have I said how great life is...actually no I havn't...I've almost said the exact oppisite...but oh well...my mind changes alot...anyway...like I said..Life is great...*she* is great...I can't believe her...she is...heh, there isn't even a word grand enough to describe her...For about 2 years now things between me and her have been quite shaky...most of the time it was my fault, with me being stupid and unheartful...only one was hers...and that was simply making the mistake of listening to her friends to break up with me the first time...but, now...things are finally starting to look up...everything is settling down...and, after two years of being sightless, I've finnaly realized that I love her...I am not afraid to admit this...in fact It would not be beyond limits to climb to the highest peak and announce my love to the world...why do I not fear? because I *know* this is true...I have said and thought that I have been in love before...but I was not, it seems now...for love is much different than the all too familiar illusion of itself...I cannot direct you to the exact points that make it certifiable as love...for I do not entirely know them...but I do not expect to know either...love is meant to be a mystery, not a simple feeling such as anger or happiness that can be picked apart into pieces...so instead of trying to determine exactly why it is...I simply embrace it for what it is worth...and what it is worth, is everything......................ok, well, I know most of you are prolly thinking: "Whoa, Zack is actually capable of intellegent and somewhat philosophical/psycological/spiritual thought...it's amazing" ...ok scratch that...most of my friends won't understand half of those words so it'd be more like: "Der...uh, wow...he's a smart...errr"...heh, I'm mean...and I also know how to completely ruin a deep and moving thought...don't you think?? ah, well...all the same...the summary: I love her, she loves me, the world is finally coming to an end...uhh I mean the world is finally coming together...heh heh...LATERZ PS OMFG IT'S LIKE 3 fuckin 12 in the morning...which means I probably won't go to bed tonight...which means I'll have been awake for 3 fuckin days in a row!!! I'M SO FUCKING TIRED!!! please excuse the profanity...I'm just really cranky...heh...I just used a word that usually decribes old people on myself...SWEET...

Hmm...well...life is good...no actually I guess it's great...but, however hard I try, I just can't seem to enjoy it...not completely anyway...I mean...everything's just as it should be...but still, I can't sleep at night...and I'm not entirely there during the day...it's like...well, I don't know what it's like...but it's not normal...what the hell is wrong with me...can anyone tell me?? No, I guess not...I havn't let anyone get to know me...so no one could know what's wrong with me...hmm...I need to change...somehow...I need to wake up and live like a normal person...you ever noticed that everybody seems to have there own little group, a stereotype that explains them...everyone has one...everyone except me...well, I guess I might...but I just don't know what it is...heh...and everyone has something their good at...something that will probably be their future...or could be at least...I don't...I have no future...I have no hopes...no dreams...no wants...no expectations...nothing...it almost seems like I'm not meant to have a future...that I will have no life as an adult...not even exist...I don't know...I'll prolly get killed or something...and don't be thinkin I'm suicidal either...I see no point in it...if you got life then might as well *try* to make something of it...however hopeless it may seem...no...it's just I don't see myself existing in the future...but then I guess I can't predict the future either...I don't know...heh, wow...I just realized how depressing this entry is...I guess it's not overly depressing...but still, it's floating around there somewhere...heh, didn't even mean to make it lie that when I began...only meant to try to make up my last two attempts at an entry...which I guess I'll start now...hmm...where to start...well, me and Sheila are finnaly going back out...and I say finnaly because she made me wait until Christmas...she wanted to do this thing where she asked me out under the mistletoe...kinda cool...but she coulldn't find any mistletoe...so she ended up just asking me...she wouldn't let me ask her for some reason...but I guess It woulda happened anyway...I mean...it was more like we we're going out just before christmas than it has ever been before...cept maybe during the summer *looks down shamefully* (most who read prolly won't understand, which btw, I'm sorry about that, guess it don't matter now tho)...but anyway...yea...christmas was good...heh Sheila's mom even gave me a stocking with a few presents...which were a cool pen & pencil, and a Barry White cd...who I really like for those who didn't know...bah most of you prolly havn't heard of him anyway...he's an old singer...Sheila didn't even know who he was...but he's cool, nonetheless...I also got a sweater from Sheila. which, although it looks pretty preppy & I've already had many a wisecrack about it, I still like it...hmm, let's see...what else...I got cd's and a game from my mom...Good Charlotte, Sum 41, and Green Day...all cool cd's...and Need For Speed Underground 2...a really cool game...OH, AND I GOT MORE TOOTSIE ROLLS!! Heh...even stole half of my bro's...keh heh heh...sorry...I just really like tootsie rolls...oh...and I found out my uncle had a shit-load of awesome cd's...so I burned em, and now my collection is 23 cd's larger...hmm...and my cd case is full now...yes, I mean that huge 100+ cd case I constantly carry, is full...can't tell I like music, can ya??? so if anyone want's to give me a late christmas present...that's what you should get me...a new cd case...or more cd's...can't have enuff of them...oh...somethin else I feel like puttin in here...I got stuck on bass in my band, instead of singer...we found someone better than me...which actually isn't that suprising...but he's Cameron something, a freshman...apparently got a punk voice so we let him sing...heh, and his cousin is our drummer...Robbie somethin...Caltof or somethin of that nature...but it's all good...I prefer playing bass...nobody can hear ya screw up...which is what I'd be doing up on stage...most likly anyway...but yea...robbie is supposed to be over today so we can start practicing the song we gonna play at Battle of the Bands...guitar part is pretty cool...and robbie says he's got the drum part for it...heh, and I still havn't learned my bass part...oops, I guess I'm not as enthused about BotB as everyone else...oh well...going by the speed of the guitar part it shouldn't be that hard...it's relatively slow...which wouldn't really be my preference for a competition, but I know my brother would come up with another gay song if he was to make a fast one...and I don't have enough skill on the guitar to be able to make my ideas work...so I guess I'll have to settle with this one...it's actually not bad...speed's the only problem I got with it...so yea...well...I think I've been typing for 1/2 an hour to an hour now...so I'm gonna give my fingers a rest and go take a shower since I should be waking up about now...laterz (heh, anyone else notice the rapid mood change at the beginning...I did...heh, I'm weird...well, later)

THIS FUCKING GAYASS WEBSITE...TWICE IN A ROW IT'S LOGGED ME OUT AS I SAVE AN ENTRY...BOTH OF THEM TAKING THREE FUCKING HOURS TO TYPE!!!GRRR...fuck, oh well...there's only one thing I really want you guys to do out of that entire three hour thing...which is post comments...I didn't put this diary on the web for nothin...I want feedback, and you can post on any entry in my diary...I check them all everyday...but I'll see yall later...I'll fill ya in on the other stuff I was typing later...PeAcE oUt PS...SUM 41 HAS SOME AWESOME GUITAR RIFFS ON THEIR NEW CD...oh...sorry...

You know...all of the sudden I don't think I should give her the necklace...it just feels like I'd be trying to buy her...I don't know...I guess I kinda have to give it to her now that i've bought it for her...heh...this really sucks...cuz I lose either way...I get her something expensive, and I feel like I'm buying her...I get her something inexpensive or nothing at all...then I feel really cheap...and now I'm starting to think that she doesn't even like me anymore...even tho she is being very clingy...which I don't mind in the slightest, mind you...but I just can't figure out if she likes me or not...bah...let's see...ashley says she was talking about asking me out again...and then if anyone were to look at both of us together at her house for ten minutes they would assume we had been going out for awhile...and believe me when I say that too...it's happened already...heh...and she can't seem to let me forget that I broke up with her...even though she knows it was a mistake...plus she seems to have taken up a little, saying(very annoying in this case)that my brother came up with: Your not in love, your hormones are just raging...which, although I'm not sure if it's love, I'm pretty damn sure hormones havn't been making me act like this for the past 2 years...and yes, I mean the entire 2 years...hmm...well, it's midnight, so I guess I'm gonna call it a night...later people

OMFG I just typed an entry for like...an hour...and then I try to save it and the F***ING website logs me out so it didn't save...how F***ING gay is that?? oh well...it was a bit mushy anyway...there are just a few key points I'd like to get across before my mom kills me for keeping her awake... 1. I'm nowhere near mad at Sheila so don't spread that around. In fact it's quite the oppisite between me and her. 2. If you have anything to say about me and her...keep it to yourself...even if it's good...but esp. if it's bad. And this doesn't apply to only opinions...if you got any kinda of facts about us, keep your mouth shut about them too, if we want people to know stuff, we'll tell them... 3. NO ONE tell ANYONE whatsoever what I got her...I still havn't given it to her...if you do...heavy beatings will be scheduled for the next three months...plus, refer to rule two about the present...I got enough shit from the guys, and enough mushy comments from the girls the last time I did something like this... And with that settled I'll be going to sleep so I can wake up to go to her house tomorrow...later PS I in no way intend this entry to be angry, insulting, or threatening (well except about the present)...I just wanted to let things be heard about my preferences on the rest of the people in the world...which, to sum it up is: stay out of my shit...k?? good...wow...I think I just made my ps, saying that I didn't mean to be mean, very mean indeed... :D sorry, and later

hmm...so why did I get it for her again...oh yea...cuz I'm nice...well fuck that...can believe this...let's see...she blows up at me for trying to "control" her when I make a wise crack about her liking my brother...then when I want to play a 10 min game with my bro she blows up at me for that too...so who's controlling here??...damn my kind heart...but w/e...I don't really care anymore...

What's the point of life?? I'm sure thousands upon millions before me have already asked this question to no avail...but I figure maybe if we keep asking...we'll eventually find out...anyway...I'm probably not asking this while in the same mood as most people ask it...actually I'm in a fairly good mood, as opposed to the sad, depressed mood of most others who ask that question...I'm more curious than hopeless...I mean, all life seems to be is a confusing, impossible to win game...all leading to the same inevitable end...although...like so many games...it can be fun...it, also, like so many more games are, can be very frustrating...but hey...these are merely thoughts brought on by a temporary confusion in my life that is slowly settling into it's natural place, which is a good/bad balance where it feels right but not quite perfect...if something feels perfect it is never where you are going to end up...no matter how hard you try...no, where you end up is in your balance zone between the good and bad of things...where nothing is overwhelming, but nothing is simple...not in a perfect life…although these are simply the philosophies I have taken up over my very colorful life-time...If you feel I am correct, then all the better...if not, then I suppose, either, you are very naïve, or I am mistaken in my thinking, which I am often not when it comes to things of this nature…but, still I leave it in your hands to decide how to live your life…after all…it IS yours…

Remember that little present I was talking about???...well my brother has decided to get a similar present for his girl-friend...AND he's decided to give it to her this morning...putting mine at risk of being discovered/recognized...therefore maybe removing the suprise/happiness/my-possible-savior fromthe gift...oh well...I guess other than that the day's been pretty decent...I got tootsie rolls... :D..I did have to give liquid coffee creamer to Lara for it (don't ask), but hey...at least I got some...well, later for now...

Heh...I may be stupid...or I may be a genius...I guess I'll find out when I give her the present now won't I...let's see...she says "You can only get me a present if it's under $10. If it's more than that I'll kill you." ...Oops...well I guess that means I better fill out my will and say my last good-byes...heh, well the teddy bear cost $9.95...but the box it's holding cost much, MUCH more...so what do you guys think a blue topaz necklace will make her do to me?? If I had my guess I'd better be ready to run when she opens the box...I'd probably also need to contact the witness protection program...I hear they are really good at changing the identities of people in trouble...but at least she'll be glad...glad enough to at least say thank-you after she's tears me limb from limb...

This is my Testes post...you know...to check and see if things are working right...