My title is for you rachel & shanky. We are going to go to go on a eurotrip & drink a bottle of absinth each (a small one) and then we are going to hanve fun with our new green fairy friendslol. Anyways...I am soooo happy right now! I love my friends & love my new favorite person in my life ; D and just everything!! Just thought Id let everyone who might read this know how happy i am.

Today is not a good day....I have to put my cat Creamy down...the end PS this ones for you baby... "How To Save A Life" Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame And you begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you And pray to God he hears you Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life

Heres to whats coming...seriously. I have made the disicion that in just a month or so I am leaving for a cruise through europe and when I get back everything will be different. Im going to make sure of that. Mostlikely I will make sure everything is changed before I leave actually. Im starting a new chapter in my life things need to be different. My past is my past. Im cvlosing the door on all things unsaid & undone between myself & others. Its time to move on. EITHER START OVEROR LET IT GO That is just how I feel about things. Its not healthy to dwell on stupid shit that makes no difference now. Whats needed to be said will be said & thats that nothing more. No more holding back no more awkward silence moments when your ashamed to say how you feel. Straight upif you have somthing to say freaking A then say it! Im done trying to prove Im good enough, because gosh damnitt I know I am. Im not being cocky Im being honest.Im nolonger putting myself through hell & putting myself down for things I cant change.Shit happends thats life. People come &go in & out of our lives everyday thats never changing. Wecant hold on to something thats nolonger there. This is what I call closure...and I need it. A very special person to me told meonce that you need to go for what you want head on & if it doesnt work out then just walk away dont ask why, you dont need to know why.you just need to know its done. I really get it. Ive said I got it before but never reallydid even tho I thought I did I didnt. I do now. I understand there isnt always a reason why some lieof an explination, some last time...It doenst work that way. Once a desicion is made its made. Theres no going back. Plus It only gets harder the more that you know...or see.

"I love you." You used to say "I love you." every time we spoke. You used to say "i miss you." every time you were away. You used to hold me so tightly I never thought you'd let go. You used to put your hand in mine Letting the world know I'm yours. You used to be so excited, to see me at the door You used to kiss me a long hello and even longer when you'd go You used to stare into my eyes You made me feel like I was the only one You used to smile every time we met That smile made me go weak You used to love to cuddle Just being next to you, i felt so safe You used to call whenever you could Hearing your voice would make my day You used to mean so much to me I used to think we'd last We used to say, "I love you." Truth be told i get it now. I love you came to pass.

I feel so weird lately like sad songs arnt really making me cry like they used to. Maybe im over it but at the same time i wonder. If i dive back in will i get hurt agian. What makes the second time around so different? Can you fall in love more than once? If so then its possible to get hurt multiple times to & in that case maybe I dont want to fall in love agian. I dont know what to do. plus too many other guys get attached wayyyy to easily & I dont anymore. My heart has been taken the rest is mine & my choice to give away. Cuz I never gave my heart away it was taken.

sometimes you can go forever without somthing & then you get it for a split second & realize just how much you missed it all along...& how much you always will.

So ya I went to warped tour was so awesome I had sooo much fun with shanks & Josh. W saw some amazing bands! I cant wait to go agian next year!

Its been a whole year but doesnt seem like its even been a month. I can't believe it. There really isnt anything left to hold on to anymore. Whats done is done its all in the past now. I do regret some things i did but I wont apoligize for them. I did what I did & I wont take it back. I learned from my mistakes & paid for them in more ways that can be said. Happy 4th of july to everyone I love you all. Its time to let it go.

I graduated from high school finally I thought Id be happyier. And funny thought as i go through my diary entries I realize im not rerally happy in any of them. im actually really pretty depressing. but maybe thats cuz I havent really had an acceptionally happy moment since my junior year. as much as I have had tons of fun...nothing has been the same. I do have good times good memories since that i will never forget but I miss butterflies. I miss so much but really what does missing anything ever really do to help things....it doesnt I have moved on but not moved on at the same time. I dont even know if that makes sense but w3hatever it makes sense to me. haha. I have someone new who treats me pretty good. i really care about him alot. Which says alot cuz i havent really cared for anyone besides one other so its sorta a big deal for me. But I feel like I constantly push people away because I dont want to go through it all agian. Im just scared. But im not ganna cry over any guy ever agian I cried over one for almost a year or so & for one for almost a year. Im so sick of crying. I dont even know if i can anymore.

ok seriously fuck everyone who has a problem with me for no reason.Especially those who don't even know me! Your fucking lame & immature! Some people need to grow up.

Thanks to all my friends You guys are the best especially Rachel & shanks! I love you guys thanks for spending my birthday with me it means alot. Thank you Nad & shanks for the balloons & cake....Bee for your gift...Andy for the teddy bear & roses...Brittany,CJ & Ricky for your calls...Mat for your messages I Love you all!!

Hung over from last night. :( I will sleep very well tonight!:D

Love...what is it?...does anyone really know? Most people say love is when you cant imagine being with anyone else ever agian...where the thought of them with someone else makes you so sick to your stomach & heart that you cant breathe. Most people say you only get one real love like this. I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that I have had my happiness & that I am done. I have had many great crushes in my life that looking back strongly amuse me. So great that I actually thought I was in love with all of them hahaha until I met one that knocked me right on my ass. The feelings I had around him were amazing! So far nothing has topped them. Things didnt work out but that doesnt mean he doesnt still giive me butterflies. lol. he does. He has found a new gf & I have new interests. And Im hoping the next time around that I get those amazing feelings....they wont be on a more or purly physical basis.

"Goodbye My Lover" Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your hand. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. [x2] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I am a dreamer and when i wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you. [x2] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bare my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

When a girl misses u, she's afraid to see how your new girl looks, she's dreading the fact that ur not hers any more When u break a girls heart, she still feels it when bumping heads 3 years later When a girl just stares deep into your eyes, she's HOPING that your hers and only hers ( it shows how much she cares: eyes never lie) When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around. When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine. When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful. When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl calls you everyday, she is seeking for your attention. When a girl wants to see you everyday, she wants to be pampered. When a girl says, "I'll love you forever, " she means it. When a girl says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future. When a girl says, "I miss you, " no one in this world can miss you more than that

I have officially decided to give up. I nolonger want to care about anyone. In the guy sense. Im too fucking tired to put any part of myself on the line & it will be a while until Im able to agian. I fell in love, gave all my heart & lost evrything & got nothing in return. So I thought but the truth is i did get something in return....I have the memories. the memories that haunt me of how I once was & how we once were. im okay no though because im nolonger that girl & we are no longer us. I wont cry when I miss you becuz im numb to you now. I wont care that it may hurt u to know im going home with someone else tonight cuz i know u dont care that it might hurt me to know u are doing the same... Im numb to everything.....or atleast thats how it seems. you are right its my senior year. I will be okay cuz I am okay. I will find someone new i know cuz ive already had someone new. And i know more will come. I know my life will begin another chapter when I graduate and start college becuz my life really began when i grauated jr high & went to high school. with each ending I know comes a beginging. Everythiing happends for areason. I dont regret anymore, I dont regret meeting you or being with you or loving you or even being loved by you. Its good cuz i think that someday I will accept our friendship for what it is. And maybe realize that a real friendship is just as important as a realtionship...

I have begun to notice the difference in men today. Just by looking at my own past experiance I have had them all. The nice guy, the jock strap, the rebelious bad ass, the book warm... but thats not what I have been thinking about. Going back to the guys I dated in Jr high, which some have become close friends of mine but others not so much. Most of the guys I dated were genuenlly nice to an extent. JR high they followed us around & walked me to class it was cute then. Then in high school for the begining to me it was pretty much the same. Then I had the long term guy. He was polite, caring & almost perfect. sometimes opened doors & pulled out chairs. Always came to my door to pick me up. Rarely a dick. After him It was like down hill for guys! The ones I went out with never really got past the first date. I even had one honk from out side & when i didnt come he called to say, "hey im outside lets go!" Im sorry but ooo no. That was it for him. I dont come to a honking horn what ever happend to coming to the door??? The next one was almost worse! Seriously is chivalry dead?? What happend to opening & closing doors? Or coming in to pick up your date? Is a honking car horn what tomarrows daughters have to look forward to on a date? And tomarrows parents to dread??

I never promised you a ray of light I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday I'll give you everything I have The good the bad... Why do you put me on a pedestal? I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below So help me down, you've got it wrong I don’t belong there [Chorus] One thing is clear I wear a halo I wear a halo when you look at me But standing from here You wouldn’t say so You wouldn’t say so if you were me And I.. I just wanna love you Oh, oh I.. I just wanna love you I always said that I would make mistakes I’m only human and that’s my saving grace I fall as hard as I try So don’t be blinded See me as I really am I have flaws and sometimes I even sin So pull me from that pedestal, I don’t belong there One thing is clear I wear a halo I wear a halo when you look at me but standing from here you wouldn’t say so...

I was sitting around writing my english paper for Akin on a Paradise Lost in my life. It was strange I couldnt think of what to write about. Not because I have had no loses in my life but because I couldnt decide on which one to write about. I basically narrowed it down to last year...my Jurior year. I always thought that my senior year was supposed to be my best year & most fun. So far all it has been is a mess. A mess of crap, drama, heartache, assholes, smoking, sex & drinking. Ok to some people that may seem fun & just like YEea whooohoo lest party but it hasnt been like that for me. I got a job that is starteing to get irritating. Its like being at school where when one of us walks out the door the others inside talk a whole bunch of shit its STUPID! Im so sick fake people! And i am making an announcement! I am not looking for "Mr. Right" I need everyone to know that. Im not saying I wont date anyone, Im saying that if your looking for a committment from me to be exclusivly with you, you are looking at the wrong girl. I did the whole commitment & exclusive relationship thing for a long time. And when it ended i was the one who played & hurt becuz i gave my heart & got shit in return. So it wont happen agian. I have dated since but always compared them to my past & they have come out as no comparism & just left me dissapointed. Each one seemed to get worse. Either a bigger liar, biggar asshole, bigger nymph, & just full of more BULLSHIT than I am willing to put up with. I dont want to hurt anyone so if your looking for something serious, unless I say I am as of right now Im not looking for anything serious here in the OC. I need some time on my own now to just be & find out who I am& what I want to do with my life. So basically im saying that I am nolonger looking for Mr Right, but more for Mr Right Now. Becuz m thinking that when the time comes that Now part will just fade away.

My dear you are such a child...... you think that just by saying your sorry, what you have done will be corrected.