If i can be me Why wont u let it happen Is my hapiness your worst nightmare?

I've had the BEST weekend for the year 2005, so far anyway. Friday night i went to rumours, this club at Knox. It's was fuking awesome, there were hundreds or people there we had to stand in the line for like half an hours just to get in. Some chick asked me to poick up her boyfriend, i was a bit confused and when i asked y she said 'because he thinks your hotter then i am and i want him to prove it' like you'd want your boyfriends to prove something like that. But anyway it was sooooo awesome. Ash and Luc came back to my place. Just mucked around till early morning till we fell asleep. Saturday i just hung out wit the girls a bit, went round to tasha's. My bro's bball game and went to the moies for a late one. Just mucked around didn't get home till about to which is early but later then i'd expected. Just chillin today, working tonight. Just got off the phone to Sam. I wasa suppossed to meet up with him today but i'm kinda glad i didn't because he seems to think i was willingly ready to sleep with him, which im not so i told him and now i just gotta let him calm down. I gtg anyway, gonna go for a walk Catch ya Leah

Maybe this isn't for me Maybe you are to old Is all your talk bullshit Is everything u want from me wat i can't give you Am i really special Am i what you want Mind or body Am i ready

words said giggles sparks fly flirting eyes smiles could i be happy? Is this it? Wake me up i must be dreaming

What is it about those days, the days where you can't be bothered, the days where life just doesn't seem worth it, where you don't want to wake up in the morning, you don't want to listen, you don't want to talk, you just can't be bothered with life itself. I'm having on of those days, over and over again, my life is filled with 'those' days, it's fuking shit. I can't wait for this one to end, but it's only the beginning, and then i'll wake up.

Well so much has happened in this last couple of weeks. 1-Started dating Corey 2-Broke up with Corey 3-Got a job at Coles 4-Got a job at Safeway 5-Started a diet 6-Started writing a book 1- Well i finally decided to just go with Corey, all was ok i guess but things changed FAST and i just realized that it just wasn't going to work 2- I broke it of with him 2 weeks later 3- Got an interview with Coles and succeeded. I'm now working for coles BUT 4- Got an interview with Safeway on Monday and we'll see how that goes. Either way im going to have to quit KFC (Soz simo no more twisters) and i really don't wanna leave my KFC family, i love them. :'( 5- Well wat do i say, im fat and need to diet so i've started. It's not like im obese or anything, most people say i'm NOT overweight but i am, just a couple of kilos. I am 63kgs and i want to be 58kgs so thats what im aming for. 6- I'm writing a book. Well kinda, it's just all these different poems and meaningful pieces of writing that i've got in a book which i've called 'Opals of Africa' The title does relate but it's complicated, like myself. And thats wat the book about ME. And now for you SIMON lol Flirting with Tasha is not on, na just jokin she's a legend and obviously iresistable but as i said she's one of my girls and i'm gonna look out for her. Just BEHAVE thats all i'm trying to say. Oh and a question for everyone, Do you believe in true love? Do you believe that there someone out there for everyone and why? Well im out thats all i've got to say Luv ALWAYS Leah xo Opals Swirls of confusion Distrctions of hope Some of less importance Many full of mystery Africa Do i think? Do i feel? Where am i from? Where do i fit in? Is this worth it? Whats is it about me? What is Maximum? Why have limits? What am i about? How am i here? Why? Whats the point? Nothing seems right Is this normal? Am i normal? What is existance? What is life? What is real?

Camp.... wat can i say?? The first few days were really cool, everythihng was good and everyone was happy, which is how things are meant to be on camp but by Wednesday night things started to get bitchy and sour. Fights started and it just went crazy, im not going to go into it because i wasn't involved in any of the fights, i made sure to stear clear of them but the last few days weren't so enjoyable for me because of different reasons. Monday night was the over night hike which was really easy and Tuesday and Wednesday were simple activities. Thusday was full of boring activities and to make things worst Cprey (The guy i spoke about in my previous entry) went on camp out and i didndn't get to see him. To make matters even worse i began to talk to this guy ricki alot more and i used to like him a while back and Rachel started going out with him and i got over him. But then she broke up with him and started going out with Aaron (the guy i liked after ricki wat a cow) Anyway i was talkin to him and i dunno something just clicked. Corey and Ricky are like the COMPLETE oposites but there's something about both of them, im really stuck. Here's a bit about both of them... COREY- I've known him since year 7 and theres always kinda been a something there, something small but i think we both knew about it. He dropped out of school and he's working as a carpenter so it might be a bit hard to see him but he makes me feel special and i dunno theres just something if you know what i mean. RICKY- he's one of my friends ex's but she hasn't been the nicest of friends lately when it comes to guys. He's a real sweety and reaslly makes you feel goodabout yourself. He's a bit of a flirt and flirts with almost all the girls in my year. Just met him this year and he broke up with his last gf (Rach) because of swimming comitments. Anyway if u have any advice, leave a comment but right now im going to bed, i had a 6 hour shift at work today and im buggered. Luv ya ALWAYS Leah xo

Well this weekend is going to be BORING, today homework, well i was supposed to do homework, half of it didn't leave my bag and a quarter didn't get further then the kitchen bench. Tomorrow i have to sit and listen to a talk about how to use the cash thingos at kfc and safety rules and regulations for 8 hours, i sit, eat junk, listen. EXCITING!! Sunday is shopping but sunday shopping's bad and dull, and i gotta do more homework and pack my bag for camp. I was just talking/msging thins guy that i've kinda been friends wioth for almost 3 years now but even though his in my calss i haven't spoken to him for like the past year. Anyway, he's dropped out of school, it was his last day today and for some reason, even though i haven't talked to him for sooooo long i REALLY didn't want him to leave. He's coming to camp all next wk so i'll see yim but it's just weird I really dont want him to go. I'm scared that we wont see each other and i dunno im gonna miss him. We had something in year 7 and 8 and i kinda think i want there to be something again, but o well it's to late now, and lately my luck with guys is really not going all to well. I'm just really confused. Anyway, i've gotsta go, desperatly need sleep, bub bi Leah xo

Me? Who am i? How do you see me? Am i seen? Are you blind? You laugh at me Why? You look down on me Why? Am i there at all? Am i empty space? Was i just a girl? A stranger? A thing? Or was i nothing? Just a kiss? Well spoke to chris last night, yeh he wanted to see me again but as soon as i told him friends is good then all of a sudden i meant nothing to him and he just saw me as an easy pick up. Now that hurt, but before that he was being a total arsehole. He called me a fuking retard who can't cross a road without getting hit by a car, now some people could laugh that off but a few years ago i was hit by a car, and broke me leg REALLY badly. So he used something i chose to tell him against me. It cut deep and left me in a different way, which isn't right xo

Him Her A party Nothingness Where am i? Where'd i go? What is this? Why? Her My good friend Him My dream Where'd it all go? Misplaced hearts Misunderstood lies Ignored truths Broken bonds Sweet Sour Loved by all Self centred Him Her ...Me. Went to a party Saturday night with a couple of mates and one of my best friends is now going out with the guy i like. Never thought friends did that to each other but now im expected to get over it, just like that, well obviously i'm not finding that all to easy.

OMG paradise is this weekend, this weekend is sun, sand and surf, hot guys, girly chats, parties and nothing else. No stress, no work no worries. I'm taking advantage of the four day weekend and chillin with Rach up at Ocean Grove. I think we both deserve it, lets just say this week has been a big one. Well everything with Chris is great, hooked up yesturday in the park, under a tree, in the rain. It's was great. Can't say i love him but we're close and it's fun. Stupid boring city excursion today, jeez they couldn't make it more draining. Of course there were heaps of other school in there and a few hotties popped up so it made it a bit more interesting. Lana had a really bad day today, she's always happy and im really worried about her, turns out her mums really sick now to and even though she not close to her at all if she looses her she has no parents. I hate seeing her sad cos she's such a happy person. I dunno, we'll see how everything goes tomorrow. She going to Queensland for a week on saturday, lucky bitch so she'll be able to relax. Well i gotsta go, tatas Luv Yas xo

I've never felt so good about a guy before. I'm really confused. He's really nice, makes me happy, makes me laugh, he puts butterflies in my stomach, he's easy to talk to and i dunno i feel special around him, like i mean something. Knowing my luck he probebly doesn't know i even exsist. The weird thig is i can see me with him,.i really wanna tell him but i'm scared it'll ruin everything. I dunno im probebly just being stupid. I can't stop thinkin about him, i just want to be close to him, why do things have to be so complicated, y can't things just go smoothly for once. I wish he was here wit me. xo

I'm not feeling anything right now. I was talking to a friend of mine today that i haven't spoken to in ages. He was all really up himslef and selfish. I was trying to show him how he hurts other people and he wouldn't listen. It's all abouthow he looks and how people see him. He's to worried about himself to relise how many people he makes to feel like shit. I really hate it when he's like this. I mean he's been like my 2nd brother in the past and it's not like him to be like this. I accept that he's changed but he's told me himself that he puts on an act at school to be accepted. I dunno im really lost on this one. I can't help but wonder which Darren's which. Antoher thing im confused about is Nick. I really like him and i kinda know that nothings gonna happen cos he's got a gf that he loves (apparently) but then today it was really different. I mean Donna turned round and said 'what is it with nick he's been checking you out all lesson' I thought donna was just over reacting but we flirted a bit and i dunno he's a bit of a rebel kind of and i can't see him even considering someone like me. I've liked guys before but this time its different. Different in every way possible and it's kinda more exciting. Well im out, lacking sleep Lover ALWAYS Leah xXx

Ok well you can choose to believe this or not but i swear that it's all true. I was Lying in bed the other night and couldn't sleep. I was just staring into space bored outta my brains and the vase that was siting on the table moved, from one corner of the table to another. It was really freaky. I froze and can't remember anything except for waking up in the morning. The next night i saw something swish past my mirror and i almost screamed but instead i froze and, like the night before, i cant remember anything until the next morning. At first i thought i was dreaming but then i was talking to a friend about it and something simular happened to her. One night she saw a woman standing in her doorway and then she sceamed and fell asleep. Another friend said she was sure someone grabbed her hand and then she forze up and fell asleep. It's so freaky cos when im in that particular room it always feels like there's someone else in the room with me. It's SCARY!! Anyway i believe in ghosts and spirits and stuff. I see blurry spots when im outside and i think they're ghosts. Hopefully i don't hace the 6th sense, that would be scary!! Luv ALWAYS Leah

Well we got robber yesturday at 1am. Everyone was home but because we're doing extentions we were an easy target. They stole a laptop, 500 cash, mobile, pro bball tickets, 2 bags, 3 bus tickets and a leather folder. It's freaky how someone can just walk in and out of your house and u don't even notice. Home doesn't feel like home anymore. It's like they've come in and turned our home into a house. I just don't feel comfortable in it anymore and i have to sleep with the light on. I got like no sleep last night. Fell asleep after 4 hours of trying at about 2-3 o'clock and woke up at 6:45. I've felt dead all day. Everything else is good i supposse. Feeling a bit bad. I told a close friend of mine that i picked up this other guy and he got all shitty and annoyed. I just don't know how that affected him as he is interested in some other chick. I was suppose to explain something that i didn't in my ;ast entry but i've forgotten. Sleep tight everyone, at least i hope u sleep better then i have been lately Luv ALWAYS Leah xo

Hey everyone, hows it been? Well i've got so much to tell ya, these holidays have been AWESOME like i expected. Oh and just to let you no, im not unstable in the head im just unstable cos my legs ache i'll explain later. Anyway here goes... Last week was great, there was Tasha's surprise party which was cool as. We scared the fuking lights out of her but she loved it all the same, she couldn't stop crying she was so happy. Wednesday all the girls came roung and we just had a girlie day. Then missy came that afternoon and she came wit me and anna for our first job interview which was for KFC which was succesful cos we later found out we got the job, both of us. Then to our surprise my cousins gave us free tickets to go to the Melbourne Show so me and Missy went in to the city for the day with my cousin and her friend. We had sooooo much fun. We went on some rollarcoaster which scared the life out of us then went on a haunted house ride and the guy tryed to chat Missy up, that ride was also fukin scary. Friday i had a coles-myer jo interview which i think went well, Saturday was grand final which was a good time to catch up with all the family. Sunday we went to the movies. Monday was a day full of shopping where i brought a heap of stuff, and we met up with tyson and toke him shopping for a new top. Tuesday we went into the city and went to the museum and just walked around, and put in the reast of my job application for coles-myer. Wednesday i went to the country with Missy who lives in hopeton and we bumed around and just hung out for the next few days until Saturday when we went to Bokka's in Birchip. We had their party in the party community day and met up with 26/45 Alpine people and just hung out again. Saturday night we partied. I got a bit tipsy on cruisers but it was all good. noe smoking or drugs, never have and never will. Danced at RAMPAGE (club/party thingo) all night and picked up thins hopt guy Larence. Beaus bro. YUMMY!! gotta go, explain more next time Luv LEAH xo

OMG it's holidays, finally, i've been waiting for sooo long for these holidays. For the first time in my whole life i'm completely booked out. Every Single day im busy, it's great. This is basically waht a've got planned... Sat 18: goin out wit Lana sleepin @ her place Sun 19: shopping for surprise party supplies Mon 20: Steph and Lana Sleepin girlie day Tues 21: Tasha's SURPRISE party Wed 22: 1st job interview eva, for KFC NERVES + Missy's coming down from Hopeton Thurs 23: gettin hair dyed Fri 24: Coles-myer job interview Sat 25: shopping movies, girlie day wit missy Sun 26: same as sat Mon 27: Steph's sleepin, missy still ova Tues 28:pack bags hang out wit steph + missy Wed 29: off to country Wed 29-Sun 3(oct) visitin all country friends Sat 2 october: RAMPAGE Well ill stop borin ya, HAPPY HOLIDAYS luv yas all say no to drugs KEEP SMILIN Luv ALWAYS Leah xXx

YAY, finally it's starting to look like Spring. The sun's out, i'm always happy when the sun's out. I can't wait to summer and all the parties, holidays to the beach, ect. OMG it's gonna be great. Stephy and Lani coming round tomoz, gonna go totally crazy. I've gone crazy i need help. We've made Tasha's birthday prezzie, it's soooo cool. We put all these clippings of her fav stars and put little notes in from all her friends at school saying how much they all love her. It's like her own personal TASHA scrap book. We also got her this gorgeous green lamp from heaven (IKEA). Wat else?? nothing much happening for me, lani's place yesturday and last night, went to richmond today, quiet night tonight then it all starts tomoz, planning for the big surprise. YAY. I'm out, boring myself to tears. MWAHZ luv yas Luv Leah xXx

Well lorne went off but i ws a naughty girl which kinda ruined it for me. I got a bit drunk one night and got with this guy. I regret it of course and ever since i've been in tears every night. i haven't seen paul since i got back and didn't want to tell him over the phone. I feel so awful. i hope he forgives me and we can work things out but then i dont deserve him. i'm thinking i should maybe break up with him so he can find someone worth liking. I cant believe i did it. After how much he trusted me. i dont no wat i'd do if he did forgive me. i'm in no way deserving of his forgiveness. I no its not the worst possible thing to do in a relationship but it is to me. i've never cheated on someone before and although this was jst a kiss its more then i've ever done in terms of cheating. and to paul, who's done absolutly nothing to deserve it. ABSOLUTLY NOTHING. i was thinking that i'd lost feelings for him before i went away but now i realise i've lost him all the feelings are back. I'm in no way expecting forgiveness and even if he did he deserves better. i no i've lost him...wat have i done.

Whats the point in gathering to celebrate something u dont believe in? Whats the point in spending a day celebrating shit withpeople u dontlove? Cos they're ur family...ok but then its a day of fake smiles anyway because everyone's fighting. Christmas day consists of fake smiles and depresive drunks, showing me exactly wat i dont want in life. I wish i could sleep through this day forget about everything ...except paul.