my hand is slowly ..deswollenizing. haha. making up words is fun. the one on my leg is almost totally gone. a little part of me is sad when things go away like that because they're fun to look at when your bored. i never went back to sleep today..but i feel like i need to. i hate feeling lazy.. i like to get things done and when you are sick and drowsy you just cant get up and do it... and that makes me annoyed. on saturday mercy and me are going to the car races.. oh sheit. my brother wants me to go to pismo with him this weekend also... so i can take care of stevie at night while him and april are out.. only babysitting at night.. and in the day i can go to the beach.. crap. i already made plans with mercy.. UGH. i really want to go to the beach but only if my mom goes because i cant leave her here.. she broke her shoulder and i dont want to ask anyone else to help her if im gone. what to do.. what to do.. anyways..im glad the summer is almost over. there's a heat wave right now and it was 108 today!! i didnt go out in the pool either because the heat would just make me feel worse.. i cant frikin WAIT for winter. anyone else feel the same?

hold on.. have to cook the bacon.. .............. okies. i put the whole package in there and yeah, i'll prolly eat all of it. cause im a piggie :0 -------- so, its been about 10 days since i last wrote and i have to say, not much has happened besides getting strep and talking to jim a lot. today is the regionals competion... i leave in 20 minutes for the roll call, then at 3 i go back for the actual show.. thankfully my strep has basically subsided.. donnelle gave me some of her meds.. shh. man i feel so lame that i have nothing interesting to tell about what's been up but i guess thats just how it is.. wish me luck guys.. and yeah.. i'll get back to commenting everyone soon i promise lots o love and chicken grease, jac~

i woke up ready. curled my hair and put on my face. slid my clothes over my body multiple times trying to find the "perfect" outfit when i desided i wasnt even going to waste my time and just threw some jeans on and put my hair up. we got there at 8:22 a.m. church chairs filled the parking lot facing the tall supple mountains and the glass-rippled lake. it was amazing. i threw pride out though i kept my head high. he sat behind me. to my suprise i was very calm. i was ok. someone told me something tonight that was ...saddening for me. im taking it in stride. maybe this is him working in my life at this very moment. ..well.. i know he is all the time.. but.. planning something right now. and i dont want to say anything about details or what i think it MIGHT be becasuse i could be totally wrong and have it twisted. better to wait and see how it smoothes out. i think im going to be ok. __________________________________________-- Name: jaclyn Birthday: april 17 Birthplace: bakersfield Current mood: tired. it's almost 12 am. so that means i have been up for...17 hours wow.. Current music: nothing. Current taste: hershey kisses Current hair: pony tail. (sarah. horse. i just figured out why they call it "pony-tail" i have a long tail guys. Current clothes: a chicken costume. come get some chicken Current annoyance: knowing that i have a crap load to do tomorrow Current smell: my nose is stuffed up! Current thing I ought to be doin: sleepin Current windows open: notepad, cassie's diary Current favorite band: staind, tool, modest mouse, metallica, counting crows, and a crapload more Current book: valley of the dolls (havnt quite started it yet though) Current cd in stereo: some burnt cd i made.. dunno which one Current crush: _______ Current favorite celeb: britney murphy, matthew perry Current hate: that nagging feeling in the back of your mind Have sex?: say what? Give oral sex?: haha Receive oral sex?: this is starting to get funny Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes .. it change a bit but it always is associated with an old house i lived in years ago. Remember your first love?: of course Still love him/her?: ...he was the first real love so yeah.. though our bridge has been burnt.. Read the newspaper?: yup Have any gay or lesbian friends?: no ..i dont think so Believe in miracles?: yessiribob Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes Consider yourself tolerant of others:? certain things i am. Like the taste of alcohol?: some Have a favorite candy?: marshmallows, caramel, nownlaters, milkduds Believe in astrology?: yup.. but i choose not to indulge in it because i feel it's dee-mon-ick Believe in magic?: same as above. Believe in god?: si Have any pets: 4 dogs. keeya, storm, charlie, and isaiah Have any piercings?: 6 in the ears Have any tattoos?: no Hate yourself: no Have an obsession?: i think im a neat freak. well not NEAT freak... but i try to place things in perfect spots. like im taking a picture of it or something. Have a best friend?: yes. SARAH! :D Wish on stars?: not really Care about looks?: yeah First crush: um.... for a celebertie.. that would be... devon sawa.. and for real..i'd say.. dustin First kiss: tommy. man do i regret that! Ever been in love?: yes Do you believe in love at first sight?: : no Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing? nope Have you ever been intoxicated? yeah Have you ever been caught "doing something? no.. almost though Are you a tease? im a flirt.. Shy to make the first move?: not really Hair: really long.....and blonde Eyes: mainly light blue.. with some greeen.. a dark blue outline.. and yellow/brown hints or as john says it "root beer spots" Height: 5'2' *5 things you are wearing* 1. didnt i already answer that? .. bikini 2. black kern valley shorts 3. roxy shirt 4. makeup 5. silver ring *5 things you ate in the last 24 hours* 1. ham 2. breadrolls 3. hershey kisses 4. jelly beans 5. potatoes Lied? in the last 24 hours? no Betrayed a friend? no Been to jail? never Cheated on someone? no Used someone? no Mooned someone? no . my foot is so ooooo asleep. its hurts. Kissed someone? yup Kissed someone of the same sex? yeah i was dared. wow. im so badass. Held hands? haha. am i in kindergarten? Hugged someone? yeah.. everyday French kissed? yes.. wait.. in the last 24 hours? no. Stolen money? im so bored Stolen money from family? i used to occasionaly from my mom so i could buy things at the snack bar instead of eat caffeteria lunches Stolen drugs from family? hell no Been convicted of a crime? no Been called a whore? um i'v been told i "look " like a whore which is really ammusing Been called a bitch? um yeah Tried to kill someone else? no Told someone you hated them? yea.. i really stear away from that word now....

well this spring break has kinda been shiut. the highlight has been shopping. YAY! like omigod. *looks like an idiot* I got 4 pairs of jeans, 2 shirts, some shoes, a HOT bikini.....:D .......2 belts..2 cuff bracelets and a necklace. all with about 110 bucks. It's called bargain shopping baby. the levi's were only 16 bucks. thats fuckin awesome. okay enuff about THAT. I emailed tyler telling him if he still was free to come up then that would be ok.. and call me EITHER WAY. well. i get online to get his # and he was on.. so i asked if he got my email. he did ..so i asked why he didnt call me and he said he had just gotten home from like.. palm springs and then he signs off. okay.. i make the effort to tell him happy birthday and show that i care. that just really pissed me off that he signed out without saying goodbye n shit. if he's not talking to me because he's pissed that i "got his hopes up" then thats really lame. he better not be. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt. WHO knows. maybe is computer got unplugged? lmao. i feel like such a loner. Kendra is calling me tonight at 8 to see if i can go to cory's tonight with some friends. but it's like..shit. i have to get up uber early to go to some church 50 miles away. why? cant they just like.. stay in southfork?? i mean come on.. who thought of that bright idea. traffic. easter. Bakersfield just as it is, is a pain in the arse. Next week I have testing. I have to call dial-a-ride to come and pick me up everday since the car is still in the shop.. i dont even know which damn classroom to go to for each period since i dont HAVE periods anymore. (i wish it was that easy with the other period) and i cant even get ahold of my teacher to ask where i go because his damn phone number isnt listed. im not even going to think about the college and car issue. im going to wallow around and wait for kendra's call. that is IF she calls..

Its 8:41 AM in the morning. Don't ask me why I'm bouncy. I just am. And I should be grouchy because my coffee was the nastiest ever. well. ... I was grouchy when I first woke up. My mom came in my room and was like, "Jaclyn! You need to hook storm up! He's trying to **** Keeya!" Then... about a 1/2 hour later (of course I didn't get up), "Jaclyn now keeya is loose!" She asked, "How late did you stay up because your really a bed head..?" I was like.."Well. You know mother it is also 7:30 in the morning, what do you expect??" sheesh. Then we shared both of our dreams which was hilarious becasue she thought there was a finger in the bag next to her bed. it was just a design on a hefty bag. she's such a crack sometimes.. hahah... ~UPDATE TO YOU~ im so pissed. the one good pair of pants i have i got pen on. and it better freeekin come out or i'll be.......so mad. if i dont get money or pants for my birthday.. i'll wear the same pair for a whole week while testing. that would suck. anyone wanna give me an early birthday present? i'll love you forever! ;)

wooooooooooooosh.... I went to church this morning with Donnie and Shawn. Not my church.. but the church that Will goes to. I have gone there quite a bit. Thoughts rushed through my mind as I tried to sleep last night..tossing and turning. Finally I just..gave up my burden. I've had two dreams about crazy driving and something/one falling off a cliff. The pastor said something about falling off cliffs..(a metaphor) I was in the same row as Will... across the room and I was fine. After the service his dad came up to me outside and we chatted for a little while. Will stood behind me and ..just.. acted like I wasnt there as always.. and yes..I did the same to him. I know that if he has ANYthing to say to me its an apology. ...........gr... i cant think about this anymore.. I'm most likely gonna start going to that church also.. so something's gotta give. I can't live like this. Today I just felt like calling him and asking whatever happened to us. But I know that answer and dont need to be searching for it where I absolutely know I wont find it. I will never find it from him. update: 1 Listening to: Purple Rain -leanne rimes and prince. Feeling: i dont know..0_0 i love this song! "i neva wanted to be your weekend lova. only wanted to be some kinda friend..yeahhh baby i could never steal you from anotha..such a shame our friendship had to end.. PURPle Rain puuuuuuurple rain...puuurple raaain purrrrrrple rain.yeah.."mhm. *replay* woops. now natalie merchant is going and i want to hear this. *sings* "Do you remember the way that you touched me before, all the trembling sweetness I loved and adored... Your face saving promises whispered like prayers. I don't need them." okay. enough of this depressing shit. IM HAPPY. I have alot of things to be happy about! i miss sarah tho..:( she needs to come back here! "Hi sarah. Hi lindsey. Hi Des. Hi nick. Hi..michelle. Hi rita! ok.. im forgetting alot of people but thats okay. i have.. er.. short term memeory. -_-. okay this update has no point. HI ELLIE!!! -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ 10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately 01 - yellowcard 02 - sevendust 03 - nickleback 04 - the nixons 05 - john mayer 06 - Taking Back Sunday 07 - finch 08 - evanescence 09 - trapt 10 - bright eyes 9 things you look forward to 1 - 4th of july 2 - possibly seeing tyler 3 - getting my car 4 - getting my licence 5 - going shopping this weekend 6 - camping out 7 - auditioning for the next A.I. 8 - summer 9 - this next level of competition 8 things you like to wear 1 - my little converse type shoes 2 - my blue faded jeans 3 - 2 shirts at once 4 - my mardigras beads 5 - workout clothes 6 - pagoda watch 7 - toe socks 8 - beanies 7 things that annoy you 1 - showing off 2 - being way naive 3 - sitD shutting down 4 - people thinking its my job to keep a conversation going 5 - people thinking that if you dont go to church that you arent christian. people can be so dumb. you can be at church and not even know God. 6 - telling my mother i dont wanna hear it and then keep saying the same thing over and over 7 - anal rentivness 6 things you say most days 1 - no way 2 - goijus! 3 - oh my fucking fuck 4 - are you serious! 5 - laugh my ass off 6 - oh my god 5 things you do everyday 1 - sing 2 - eat pasta 3 - laugh -interpretation: talk to sarah. 4 - get online 5 - feed the dogs. i have such and interesting life 4 people you want to spend more time with 1 - My neice Stevie 2 - my friends 3 - all my sisters and my brother 4 - my dogs ..yeah yeah.. not a person but whatever. 3 movies you could watch over and over again 1 - Now And Then 2 - The grinch 3 - Labryth 2 of your favorite songs at the moment 1 - purple rain 2 - your own disaster 1 person you could spend the rest of your life with 1 - i wish i knew his name.

We buried Sierra yesterday down in the meadow near the creek. He has his first flower. --take me-- Clean hands wash over me Today is over please take me I don't know what's left to say But these dirty hands they keep me Let go, Let me go You can't have me, I see behind your eyes Nothings real anymore Your dirty hands corrupt me Leave me on the floor Alone. Things come and things go Nothing stays the same, Ironicly You wash away the filth And it comes back again It seeps through your pores And begs to come alive You are what they've become Everything is a lie Let go, Let me go You can't have me, I see behind your eyes Nothings real anymore Your dirty hands corrupt me Leave me on the floor Alone. Clean hands wash over me Today is over please take me Let go, Let me go Leave me on the floor Alone. April 2nd, 2004 12:40 a.m. alone. lonely. it was 2am anyway.. i should be alone..shouldnt I? me chillen.. and I dusted of my geetar and wrote a new song.

With lack of sleep and eyes irritated from the salt in my tears.. Everything was blurry for an hour yesterday. Mom went to the hospital. Bad damage..but no broken bones. Donnelle attacked me. Well.. it was a spiritual attack on me. I cant even begin to write what she said.. but she called me the next day and apologized. I broke down for the third time on the phone. One attack right after another. For anyone who actually reads the bible.. read the book of JOB. What happened to him is basically the same thing that happened to my mother and I. Check it out if you want. Family Crisis' are rare..but when they happen, my world shuts down. On the way home from school, mom wanted to know if I wanted to stay at Shannon's tonight, but she wanted to ask me first just to make sure. They wanted to take the right signs. I guess Judy had it heavy on her heart for us to be there.. but I said no. And mom said ok. Thats the right thing to do. Not knowing why.. but knowing there was a reason why we should have gone home. When we walked in mom asked, "Check on Sierra." So I looked out my window. "Is his head up or down?" "Down.. " I said, seeing no movement of his stomache moving up and down. He was so beautiful lying in the waves of grass and wild flowers. His auburn wavy hair shining in the sun. So peaceful. He was 16 years old. Born on Donnelle's birthday. We are burying him tomorrow. I love you Sierra Nevada. "That's why we needed to come home, baby."

FUCK. everything is lost again. i have to start over. ok.. heres my dress.. only.. it's slightly darker purple. 2001. when i won bakersfield's brightest star... Amy Adams did my make-up that day at CLinique.. and the camera's followed us around when selecting the outfit .. and we sang celine dion together :) about 2 months ago. aint i cute? loook in to my eyes u are getting verrrrrrrrrrrrry sleeeeeeeeeeepy and me now :) -__-_-__--__-__--_---___--__---__-_-_---__-__- I hate it how I say "I'm going to bed now.", turn off the lights, sneak my cold body under my blankets and have 37858584738 thoughts going through my mind. Mainly about him. I wish he was there to slide his fingers down my back.. and hold me like it was the last time. Tell me he loves me and he'll always be with me. Just to look in his eyes and hold him would mean the world. And he's not here? I want to feel him. And wrapping my own arms around my lonely body is not comparable to what I want to feel. So I come back here to put these thoughts away in a file in space. And this will go on everynight till I'm with him and can feel his fingertips against my skin. Now I can slip back into sleep and wish he was here and pretend he's holding me... untill tomorrow night.

I think I'm going to go to bed soon.. But I doubt it. I will stay here.. or ..there.. untill I fall off my chair to the floor and realize that I'm a loser for staying up so late. Then.. I bet I will just sit back down and feel that I cant go to sleep, when actually I can, but I just dont want to and look at my diary untill I see spots and make them out for comments or floating hippos.. All I did today was 3 things. Watch T.v..wait. 4 things. watch t.v., eat clam chowder, do some home work and the last thing i will not say becasue.. thats.. just. to .. yeah. get my drift. Tyler told me he loved me today. NO ITS not a big deal. Becasue it was meant in a friendly way. But I had to ask to make sure. He says "yes as a friend. dont take it so literal". wtf? Literal? okay. so you dont love me as a friend either? I tell my friends I love them becasue I love them. And it's litteral. He means, dont take it like I love you as in a lover's love. Got it. So I went on feeling stupid that I even went into it MAKING sure what exactly he meant. But it's better than assuming. So there. I know what he means. I just hope it will grow into something more down the road. I hate misconceptions or premisconceptions. They make you feel like a dumbass. But what do you do. Ask. Thats all you can do. I really miss Nick. It's crazy how he touched so many peopls lives. How does he do it? I wish I could be like that. My mom is yelling at me to bring the computer out of my room. "AYE THiOS MIO" she's so fucking dramatic sometimes. I bet she's shaking her foot right now from being stressed. What does she need to be stressed for? Im not putting my shit out there.. well. i am, but you know, not doing something i'll regret when some weird comes to my room and slits my throat open. yeah. -------update. *sits down* i jsut asked her what the fuck was her problem?? well.. we just had a little thing. 5 seconds ago. whatever. she just asked, "well do you want a parent right now?" wtf? i said i was just writing in my diary. Im not doing porno or someshit. "well, you had two days to bring the computer out" she says. "well, you werent here mother. so whats the problem?" "well im here now." I asked if she was jealous and she said she couldnt believe i asked that. well what the fuck then. sorry i like to write here. Im home alone for 3 days, what the fuck else am i susposed to do? eat icecream and shit my pants, and swat flies? .. Im just gonna wheel this thing out and get some pepsi.. i cant find a way to end this...

OKAY. So yesterday I woke up at 8 and was at the school by 11:00 for rehearsals. Awesome I must say. And that was just the rehearsal. Then we headed back up the hill to get my dress and stuff..then went out to eat at Don Pericos. I waited a few hours to get ready at Stephanies...and my hair turned out perfectly!! Then... my necklace fell apart. o_0 (the flower one in my background)..so D.J superglued it back together lol..while he was ironing his shirt..and there was black stuff on the iron so his white shirt got all dirty. :( haha..i told him just to go to the laundry mat and dry the wrinkles out but NO he had to be stubborn.. SO we arrived at the school at 5:30. I was number 14 in the senior division... It came to my turn.. All you could see was my leg sticking out of the curtain as the music for At Last started. With the intro, my left arm came out and went up in the air and came back down slowly. Then my left arm came next. And as I sang "Aaaaat laaaaaaaaaast" I came out and just..had all the stage presence...I felt like I was living in the forties! ...then at the very end, i turned side ways to the audience and brought my hand up in the air, then turned around to the audience and sang one last "Aaaat laaaast." brought my hand up and when the music ended, my hand and head dropped......wooooooo.. I won 1st place!!!!! I've never came alive on stage like that. It was truely my night. Everything came together. Im just so................humbled and delighted!.. *exhales* i love it. A man came up to me... to make a long story short, I'll be in the studio soon doing compelation with about 7 other people in the Kern Valley, and sell the CD for the 50th anniversary at Whiskey Flat Days next year. Things are gonna be picking up soon. I'm just in awe. Like it's not happening... ___________________________________________ Mom and Aaron just test drove the car. No damage to the frame! so now..all we need basically is a new radiator.. Everything is working out for the best. ___________________________________________ btw..my hair is STILL intact. I was so beat last night...I didnt even take my hair out. wooooooooooosh.... im getting cramps now..Like you all want to know that but owell. that's the only thing that is crappy right now.........

Im going to home fellowship tonight at 5. Washing my shirt and pants....and I want to take a shower already. I hate wanting to get ready early. _____________________________________________ *exhales* I'm hoping Will wont be there. He only went one time before..so I'm pretty sure he wont be there..but there's still that nagging feeling "what-if". _____________________________________________ Sister isn't playing yet on here.. I had to download a mp3 converter just so I could add the song to the site. So it better work. I'm getting cramps. I need to shave. This sux. I got a comment today by [another]. I didn't get mad by it.. and I'm glad they were being honest. But I got to thinking.. How can someone judge my personality by my pictures? The reason why I look sad isn't because I'm sad..I just happen to not like my smile..so instead, I dont smile. I do like attention. But who doesn't? I dont think it's a bad thing, but, owell. Wow. I just had a dejavu. Sitting here..writing...looking at my background. My eyes are heavy. I drank 3 cups of coffee and pissed like a race horse every half hour. I need a shower to wake up. UPDATE: ONE!!!!!!!! I got home a few hours ago. It was only me and my mom that went and we had such a good time. Donnie calls me aunt Jackie to Genesis...(her granddaughter) I love how close our families are! Niel wants me to bring my songs but..they arent finished..andi dont feel comfy yet so ..bleh. I HAVE Decided to sing AT LAST by etta james tomorrow. Just somethin about it! i FEEL it man.. imma blow them away tomorrow night! Awwwwwww. Thank you Lord.

You know..I try to alternate songs on here..because...I know..listening to Hello over an over again will turn me off to it even though I love it. So I went back to powerwebmusic.com to see if Sister by The Nixons was there. It wasn't! HOW??? That's so odd. And I really wanna put it up here. Thats sucks my little pinky toe! Today was SUCH a great day..sunny and warm..I love the winter to pieces..but it's just like DAYUM I wanna drive around, meet guys, camp out by the lake and watch some good ol' fireworks..and maybe a few parties here and there *NO BAD JACKIE!*..what did I just say?... When I went to school to turn in my weeks assignments, who was there signing in but Erika Kirkpatric? (An old ex-bestfriend who turned into a druggie/slut/annoyingbitch, and no that's not talkin shit cause it's the facts.)I thought, "WOW...I wonder why she decided to go into this.." There is MANY reasons I could think of becasue her family has done alot of shit to mine and know alot...but I won't say anything SINCE people know her on this site..so whatever. I dont like her or her Mom..but her sis and Dad are the nicest people...I feel for them.. ANYWAYS. I dont usually not like people that much..but just..UGH..she pisses me off!!! Okay..now that I probably just said something that will come back to me.......well..I really dont care. I just cant fucking wait for summer. THe plans to go to Chile got scratched..but we're going to Baha, Mexico for spring break.. CANT WAIT!! wooooooooooooo. Gotta get some D.P....... I hope Tyler comes over 4th of July... that would be really special but..there's things about him that make me feel like he wouldnt be hanging out with me for the right reasons..and that I would jsut be wasting my time by wanting to be with him..He lives in San Diego..but..I dont know..We'll just have to wait and see. I want someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me he loves me and meant it. I want to have someone that I will love back and truely mean it. I'm begining to feel I'll become one of those chicks who never have someone and become lonely becasue..I have too many expectations set, that I dont even meet. And I'm not an easy chick either. You all know that... I look back and hate that Will and I ended up the way we did. Bestfriends (and alot more) in the shape of love and understanding shattered ....the pieces he swept up, were forgotten and thrown away. He wouldnt help me find them all and put them back together. And becasue I can't put my anger aside, I threw my pieces away and have to much pride to build a new life. "He is responsible." .."He has to show me that he cares." .."He ruined it. He will have to show me he's sorry." And I can't let go of that pride. But a big part of me says that's a good thing..becasue I dont want to fall and break my face again. Why the face? Becasue he took my heart away. And I wont let him have it back if I can help it. But is that what I really want? Note: I'm not crying. When I got to a real intese part of HELLO, my eyes started watering..almost like when you yawn..so that's why I put that. I havnt cried over Will in A few weeks. And that's a while..since..my eyes almost looked like that pic in my background with the girl crying black tears. Dont worry. I'm fine. I hope. Note 2: I feel compeled to tell everyone to Visit Sarithequeendork's diary and comment and talk to her becasue she's a fun, likable chick ..and feels sad that she doesnt get much feed back there..and because..i said so! omgosh..i spelt because right without making a typo. okay..off to sitting here waiting. Yesterday, I was playing with new wooden matches and wanted it to burn till it went out..and decided to see if my pants would catch on fire. they didnt "ohh look mom! my pants are fire proof!" it made a little whole near the crotch. This sux. my brandnew pants..but..it's hardly noticlable..and they are Everlast..gym pants..so whatever..yeah. ......... and we cant forget ximbrokenx ..you all visit her and be a pal. YUMMY.........salami .... omg..wait..that did NOT sound right.. i meant...i like salami...LMAO.. just whatever dayumit! im tired.

Okay..people. I'd like to know if the pictures here in my diary look whorey? The look in my eye maybe..since..I have practically no skin showing whatsoever? Some bitch on wtd left me a comment: " YOU LOOK LIKe a whore you BITCH!" Then another stating: "You look like a whore.. srry." What..is she trying to console herself? Calling me a bitch then saying sorry like that? lol..only with a different approach the second time. I deleted them and decided not to comment her back. What a waste of time. I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction anyway..cause I'm cool like that haha *shines shirt* I got the cutest outfit the other day..for the competition this saterday. I'll be singing Only Hope by SwitchFoot..but Mandy Moore's version..but with a lot more OOMPH! I'll try to get a pic up of it..I'm not in the outfit though..becasue..I couldnt get a body shot with me in it..haha.. ..so it looks strange.. %% dsc_071.jpg %% yah..the orchid will be in my hair haha... I have to go check on my chicken cassorole thingymagig...so I'll update later..mmmm...biscuits.... UPDATE: Uno** I feel like I'm eating at KFC..Minus the chicken bones. I love HomeStyle Bakes.. THey're the bomb... maybe I'll try cooking from scratch one day though? I got two letters from Jim today, plus a pic of him and another of Adam. I miss them sooo freakin much..I almost started crying. What a great morning surprise :D then i stubbed my pinky toe on my mom's harp case..and blood started oozing out underneath the toe nail and bloodied the knuckle.. It's throbing right now..and it's like..twice as big than normal :( DAMNIT! always make sure you have butter when making steamed vegetables... Update: Dose:** how the hell do you get a pic in here???

I watched Oprah today..Who ever saw it knows that it was kind of shocking ..unless they knew already or are involved in the same thing.. Suburban girl prostitutes. It was sad..one started at 12. My cousin lindsey IM's me today ...(havn't talked to her in like..4 months) She got the internet hooked up again..so were talking and maybe 5 minutes into the conversation she asks "so how far have you gone with a guy?" and im like...hmm..so i try to be a good example and tell her the farthest i have gone with a guy..is only because i really cared about him and wasnt just wanting sex or whatever.. and she's like "what HAVE you done? Come on we can tell eachother everything, we're family." .. Now see..some of my family members are crack nuts. A lot of shit has happened that I would rather not get into...but..I dont think I trust her that much..she's really naive and just...too giddy ..i dont think she knows how important some things are.. So I say..I'd rather not go into detail and she's like.."well I have given a hand job." lol! ..im like..How old are you again?!?! "14" ... i had my first french kiss at 15. and ..just...wow. yeah.. she scares me..then my aunt cindy lets this girl move in with them..and she's 16. So is my cousin Dale. And they're together. t.o.g.e.t.h.e.r. bf/gf BAD mIx. your just asking for problems there.. but..i'm not suprised Cindy allows this because Dale's her oldest and she doesnt know any better. I just hope she doesnt learn the hard way. people can be sooo dumb. GRRRRRRR anyways. everyone who comment me *muAh!* hehe...

i talked to jim tonight. it was really nice.. but some things he says really bother me because i dont know what his motives are. i dont like talking about the past and how i felt becasue it brings back memories.. the more i think about ..the more it saddens me.. and i dont want him to know how i feel..just yet.. so when we talk about "back then" ..i have to talk about it..because..if i didnt ..he would want to know what the problem is. then i'd have to say HOW I REALLY feel..and liek i said..i dont want to say anything about that yet.. so...i have to bear it. but it was nice..to hear how he felt i said "i dont think you really know..how much i felt for you. and i never knew what you were really thinking."..i told him i really did love him..and then ...we talked about that whole deal for a while.. when he wants to know about how i feel and if i still love him...it makes me wonder why he really wants to know. what are his motives? is he curious? does he like me still? I think he's interested in me ..otherwise he wouldnt ask me the things he does.. but then he brings up his girlfriend..and says he loves her..... he'l say something like.. " oh u want me, you still love me har har har" i know im making him sound like an ass..but he really isnt.. i think he's just scared to really tell me his true feelings. he's everything i want right now and for the future ...and he's one of the best people i know i want to know if he really loves his girlfriend ..or if he's just saying that for security.. to hide his true feeling for me.. .. ..... i'm just going to give him time..and not ask him how he feels about me... im going to be patient. let him take the initiative. all these things make me believe it's right...my mom loves him... she said i could date him..even though he's 19, i'v known him forever... i love his family....... and if he doesnt feel the way..i hope he feels.... and i say something...i'll feel like a complete ass. this is so hard. im jsut gonna stop thinking about it. the more i try to write this down...it gets harder to get it out .and then i make it sound confusing..i know what i need to do.... just be patient. Summer Stars - TBS Do you remember the time when you and i were fine hiding under the apple tree there was no one but you and me we would hide from passing cars and we would have the summer stars and we were better then then we'd ever been before you came back to me after walking out my door you would call me on the phone before you even got home without me you said you were all alone the cold wind that blows all the things i used to know how could it play so fast never thought you'd be part of my past would i trade it all again to get you out of my head? cause we were better then then we'd ever been before you came back to me after walking out my door you would call me on the phone before you even got home without me you said you were all alone alone without me by your side you said you were all alone give me one more chance to prove myself to you all the little things that i long to do ...(when you run away) would you trade the course ...(you said that you'd be) so that i could hold you ...(coming out my front porch) would it all go away ...(just to see me) and my heart is breaking would you hear me baby as the tears are longing for what it used to be Protector The ULTIMATE personality test brought to you by Quizilla ....show me some love?

WHew!! i wrote my rough draft today on child abuse and stuff. here's and exerpt: "Everyone in a community needs to have their eyes “wide-open” to the signs and symptoms of child abuse. Once an adult or friend truly listens to a child, the abuse will stop. Be willing to help and please let us have our eyes and ears open to listen to a cry for help, even if it is silent." *cough* ......grrrrrrrrr "inhaler Please" i need to find that shit. im surprised. after 2 hours of cleaning and moving/turing around shit in my room (and having 500 hundred pounds of dust airborne) i only found one spider suspended in air. i felt like little miss muffett who sat on a tuffet. it came down right by my left thigh and clung to my new green inflateable chair (so grand!). ..which took a full 2 hours to blow up. of course taking breaks here and there because i looked like i was about to die from lack of oxygen.. my room looks tight. im excited. i wasted about 5 minutes of just sitting in it. so altogether i wasted about 4 hours that i thought i needed inorder to do the rest of my homework..but..it's okay..i got everything done *sighs* OHH and i got a guitar stand too...for only 8 bucks. that's cheap to me..i dont know..maybe they usually run that much..but i was expecting for it to be more and then they sold me the chair for 10 since it was the last one......but yeah..now it doesnt look tacky with my guitar standing up ontop of my dirty laundry basket (such an eye-sore) ..OHYEAH...and i got my new comforter with stars and moons..and 2 new charms; one star, and the other (yep you guessed it) a moon. im like all up on that shit. but i fucking hate putting charms together. i screamed more than i have in one month ..turning red in the face "OH My FUCKING..GO- er..panTS!" ..."FUCKING FUCK!" ..eventually chuckling because it sounded so funny..my mom just looked at me like i was ridiculous. Havnt talked to jim in a few days. odd him not calling... UPDATE Numbre Uno: that puking reflex thing is happening again..always happens at this time of night. and you know what really sucks..if i were to really have an orgasm..i would start coughing anyway because i dont have my stupid epinephrine (the stuff that gives you a blood an adrenaline rush..) but wait..maybe sex would help since it gets you all pumped...haha.. just thinking.. hmmm...... Any takers? ..yeah.... UPDATE Numbre Dos: It's 2:14 a.m. and im still sitting here. not surpriseing...listiing to three doors down's 'Here Without You" making me think of jim. god i dont want to think of him. it sux. i took my mom's inhaler..and it's shit becasue it has this chemical that leaves a film on your throat..and you have to use a tube at the end of the mouth peice to catch that chemical. i used a toilet paper role instead. it would have worked if i didnt think "i dont care if the stuff get's on my throat it will work better" ..wrong. im even worse since i cant get that chemical shit out. GRRRRR *puking reflex* if you havnt read the last entries..it just when i take a deep deep breath my stomach muscles flex like im puking as i exhale. yes..it's gross...but ...yeah..alot of things in life are gross. eh... goodnight people -jac

Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a pornoanytime soon. You seem to be really into thewhole "love" thing...romantic sexwith perfumed sheets and candles all over theplace. You're probably a hopeless romantic. Youvalue sex and respect your partner too much todo anything like porn. AWWWWWW! What kind of porno would you star in? brought to you by Quizilla so truthful..lol.. Honor: You are an honorable person who is firm withhis/her beliefs and treats others as you aretreated. People would consider you humble attimes and very respectful, and someone todefinitely respect back. Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait) brought to you by Quizilla

Wow...It's been about 8 months since I last wrote an update about my last bouts, successes, messups, and rants...and here I am again to flood your screens with more of them! woohoo. no, really. It's pretty cool to be on here again. I'm suprised I even remembered my password. Well, to give you all an update, the band is no longer but in return I got the drummer. We've been together 6 months. It's serious and truthfully, I have become such a better person since I met James. It's great and I can't wait for the future to come. I finished my first sememster of college and I go back on the 17th of this month. I'll tell you what. It's nice waking up at 10:00 in the morning with nothing really pressing to do...no homework, no papers.. NO SPANISH, thank God. I tood spanish thinking I needed it to transfer. Nope. And I couldn't drop it so there I was stuck with 4 others with a teacher on ITV. In other news, the night of Thanksgiving, one of my friends was killed in a car accident in the Kern Canyon. I called Tommy's twin sister and offered to help in anyway I could. Little did I know that she would take it up. Mystie called me the next day and asked me to plan a concert in Tommy's name to raise money for the funeral. She wanted it done on friday night. Only 3 days away. James, my boyfriend did all the graphics which included being the soundman, getting together pictures and creating a slideshow with voice overs from close friends, adding music and doing everything Tiffany, Tommy's older sister, wanted. I was in charge of creating the line up, scheduling and making sure everything didn't go crazy. My mom was the Speaker and she did a really good job.All of this happened during Finals! It was really hard but it all came together and the family didn't have to worry about a thing. I was really greatful that Mystie, Tiffany and Kelly trusted us with such a personal thing... R.I.P Tommy. Anyways, I am on a limited time since I'm using the library's computer so I better cut this short. Hope everyone is doing great and Happy New Year! (Singing at Tommy's Memorial Concert.)

Ha. I can't wait to say "Current Music: Follow Me - My Action Hero" Will be grand. You guys wait and see. We'll blow up all over your juke box.