I know the shade of failure all too well. I recognize its ugly face before we even exchange hands and I can already predict how that scribbled F is feeling. F it all, see if I care. Looking around at all the other f-ups, it amazes me how they can do better, how they can move on, how they can pass while I'm struggling to survive. And it bloody pisses me off that I try so hard and feel so confident, expecting to do well and then discover I've once again fucked it all up and in the gutter my grade and confidence goes. Good bye, happy mood. Today is Monday the 13th. I've had four months of love in my life, so why does today feel so hollow? I think it hit me today that I'm screwed; it hit me today how much I have to do, how much harder I need to try--need to get a job, stable my life, balance my grades. But the way they talk, you'd think I'd be fine. But I'm not, I'm not, and I can't decide why. I guess I'll just close my eyes today and hold my breath till tomorrow. I'll open my self to every small laugh because sadness isn't my favorite outfit and I didn't get all dressed up to be pissed off all day. So today's been a little shitty, but later will be better, it always is. I'll figure out, climb from one happy moment to the next; I'm waiting for the sound of the bells in my hands, anticipating the conversations to come, impatient for the one who can always make me smile. Yeah, right now it's pretty shitty, but things will be better in a few moments time. .Your Former Self.