I've been dealing with some strange changes here, physological and physical, on every realm of my personality. For the most mundane of change, a look at my eating; a sudden turn-off of greasy, fattening, and particuarly sugary foods and a new found favoritism for fruits and vegetables, celery topping the charts. On the surface, a glance at my face; marked by horrendous pimples, those horrid mountains of development that do nothing but stand in the way of confidence. On the inside, much has changed. I question, I wonder, I second-guess; but why? Because of a ridiculous nightmare? Because of a subtle hint taken twice? What if I'm reading the signs wrong? And while I know I'm happy, I can't help but to also feel angry that there is a force larger than me standing in the way of my real happiness; a blockade of miles to seperate us and cut-off communications, except through a telephone of static where we can hear perfectly but understand nothing. I'm sorry that my voice doesn't travel well. It's not used to be without my mouth, my cheeks, my eyes... I have no decisions to make, and yet I feel clustered by crossroads. It may just be all the excess running through my body; medicine for this, medicine for that, lotions all over the body...it's enough to make me sick and, in fact, is. Enjoying myself has become much easier when all I think about is laughing. But when the tickling ends, I am drawn back to the daunting tasks of work and the pressures univeristy places upon you; get invovled, do work, intern, etc., etc. I won't dare compare any of it to high school (in truth, this is easier). God do I miss being a little girl, riding in the passenger seat of my mom's Mustang at 6am to go to the 10K charity events in Tempe where I would walk around to all the booths with my little goody bags collecting all sorts of junk that would soon enough be thrown away. I miss my pigtails and bows and cute frilly socks, along with the days when being a little chubby was considered healthy and adorable. And while this has no real congruence to the beginning of this entry, it still serves to sooth my mind as thoughts condense and slow to a stop. Maybe, for just tonight, I may sleep soundly.