"Those walls were curses to us all, if anyone dared realize it. The light bounced off every face to let us believe there was more than there actually was; a small square room walled in mirrors to make-believe a greater depth that wasn’t there. And on those glassy faces were more faces; people faces, goggling and admiring until all they could see was ones self." -Beginning 2 (1) I looked at myself in the mirror today and was horrified but what I saw. I guess my quick momentum these past few months left me blind to how little moving I was actually doing; an object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force (Newton's First Law of Inertia). Well no outside force has been acting on me except the food I eat for energy and entertainment and its result is slowly showing. It's amazing how we, as human beings, can be so determined and excited about something, and then how quickly that exuberant feeling dissipates. "Easier said than done". How do we forget? I know it's still a bit early to think about, but New Years is approaching and since some revolutionist person decided that January First marked a turn-around in everyone's life, we all set out make resolutions with ourselves and by March, we've forgotten. January is a wonderful month. Everyone is so motivated and rejuvinated (until the bills start coming through the mail). Anyway, off my tangent of resolutions, how many times in a month do you tell yourself "no more"? I think I've decided to diet and exercise at least four times a month and it never seems to last long. "Well I'm on the go, I need a quick bite." "I need brain food." "I'm too tired to work-out." "No time." "Better save my energy." "Well, it IS the holiday season..." Yada-yada-yada, excuses, excuses, excuses. I do that a lot, I think. In fact, today was a pretty horrible day for me in terms of realizations. For instance, while talking to Kris about drinking and drugs, I was silently thinking to my self that some day, I'll desperately need him. I know my self. I know how unsensible I become and, even when I scorn it and remind others of how horrible all of that rubbish is, I know how easily I could be addicted to it. I can remember a party over the summer--my truly one and only drinking party where I actually picked up a beer and drank--and recall perfectly the feeling of drunkness and feel a sickening desire to have that again. The drink was revolting, but the feeling was...well, there's the addiction right there. Cigarettes, pills, drinking; it's not the action but reaction. So I know my self to stay away because if I even try, there where be the knowledge and I can't risk knowing what it feels like. Like any teen of this day in age, I've gone through my desperite days in my life. I've done my stupidness and I'd hope that most of it is over by now. Most of it. I can't admit to being completely clean in conscious because this wretched society puts pressure on us all. I'm not unhappy with anything or anyone right now except my self. I think I am often blind to who I am or what I do. I've been too busy I suppose. Do you ever feel like you just slip into a funk? Well I'm in a funk right now; nothing really sounds interesting, no music can satisfy my ears, no thoughts can satisfy my mind, and everything I decide on I quickly change my mind about. I guess I'm in a gray stage and it just might take this two-week vacation to bring all the color back. Well, to sleep then. I've got some brain-stuffing to do tomorrow so I can hopefully pass my physics final. Honestly, if I ever become a teacher, I will never make my students take a final. The idea of it is so ridiculous. They know we don't remember it, they know we knew or didn't know it when we tested on it, what the heck is the point in it? It makes your grade or breaks it, and honestly, I really don't think that's at all fair. C'est la vie. .Your Former Self.