12:16 the night before a final and I can't go to sleep. I had a great day today, but I can't let Him know that. I acted like a child, like a real woman, like a flirt, like a bitch, like a drunk, like a poet, but I can't let anyone know that. I chased pigeons because it felt like running away. I shook hands because it felt like senior year. I laughed, and joked, and tossed around empty insults because, secretly, we're friends. I felt comfortable all day because this is the way I'v developed; to be lazy in sweatshirts, quick in sneakers, at ease with the boys. Sometimes I'm laughing so much, I can't slow myself down to speak properly. Because I worked (out) yesterday, I deserved dessert tonight. One of these days I'll mean it when I say I'm putting my foot down (gee, doesn't THAT sound familiar). I was called white and wasn't offended; Am I a white-bread girl in denial? We high-fived over cleaning ladies. I celebrated $113 returned to me for books. I wondered if the thousands of dollars spent on tuition was worth it. I looked at another college. It's so typical of me to change my mind over and over again...I know the answer is right in front of me--obvious--but as for now, I'm blind to. I'm trapped here because of Him; willingly, you understand. Is it pathetic? Romantic? Tragic? I don't know. Where else would I be? I'm everywhere I never dreamed of being and no where close to where I dreamed of getting. Did I turn the wrong corner (I have the tendency to get lost), or did the map change to fit my direction?