Last night's dinner was horrible. The food was okay, didn't have its usual touch of Chef dad, but it was good and I felt regret for having added my two cents into the meal. The conversations, or lack of, was what really gave me the stomach ache. I was happy to leave; the table, the house, gone away into an empty space to make sure nothing gets in. House sitting, I finally found a bit of peace and used some time to write the beginnings of a short play. My alarm went off in a shocking darkness, scaring me out of bed and thus began a day that, well, should have been really good. But here it is, only third hour, and so far, things aren't too wonderful. I guess it's stressed. I haven't sat down with a calendar yet to figure out my schedule over the next week or so--I think I'm afraid to. I know what it's going to say--You're too busy, you've got too much to do, no time, no time, get stressed now! So I haven't done that. I've just been taking things one day at a head, glimpsing ahead with one, squinted eye. Do I begrudge those around me? Lately I feel like I do. I feel like I'm doing so much to satisfy people, to do better at things, to try to be everything to everyone--I guess that's the root of it all. In all my business, I'm denying some people the very thing they want from me-to see me, hear from me, spend time with me. I've hardly been with grandma since she's arrived, last night I talked to a friend who moved away who said we never talk any more, and I just realized that I never saw Kim when she came to visit. I meant to, had planned to, but somehow it never happened and other things did. CK wants me to play softball. I kind of want to play too, but I don't have the time....or the money. Mom wonders why I'm bothering with the one-acts. She says they are a waste of my time. And that made me wonder--do I enjoy it, or has it just become something I do? Why do I always feel so overwhelmed? Am I really doing that much? But I'm always so unhappy when I have nothing to do. Then again, am I happy now? I think I am, thought I was, and maybe I am, but looking around me, how many others am I disturbing? I just don't know what to do with myself except press on. I've got to let go of those wild ambitions I had for this year and just focus on what I've got going on. After all, isn't this enough? Band, flute choir, photojournalism, theatre, research paper, physics project now...it seems like a lot, and on the other hand it doesn't seem like much at all. What do I do with all my time??? .Your Former Self.