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i will love my crooked neighbor with all my crooked heart.

left school early to do nothing but lay around. and then you said something that made me happier than i'd probably ever been before. & i completely believe you mean it.

i'm way too fucking insecure. fix me.

"i love you" you kiss me, and pull me closer to you. "i love you, too." we both smiled like mad. and it was the happiest moment i'd ever had in any sort of romantic setting.

drip. drip. drip. it's not because you asked me. it's because when i know you don't like something i don't want to do that. i want to make you happy, and i want to do everything i can for you. so when i know that isn't something you like, i don't want to do it. i only asked to make sure you really didn't like it, even though i was almost sure. and i didn't mean to scare you, i was just... i don't know. i get so overcome with my emotions i need to let them out. i didn't mean to upset or scare you. i'm sorry i did. i'm just pretty sorry about all of today, it seems like i did everything wrong.

before you freak out, remember it's not that big of a deal. i've never seen a cop in our neighborhood unless they're responding to a call anyway. our neighbors are cool with us, and it's just a fucking stop sign. no, no one saw me except the people i was with. a cop isn't going to show up and look through the house for any reason. so calm the fuck down.

resolution: learn to be assertive. here's to a year of wishful thinking and dedication. and thank you all for: letting me go; letting me stay; insisting i don't leave; saving me from myself; showing me i can still smile. it's not thanksgiving, but i'm so damn thankful for all of you who stuck out this year and taught me a little more about myself, about life, and about friendship.

when i was really little i wanted to be a superhero. i wanted to have some kind of power that enabled me to save people. i didn't want to be famous or well known or recognized, my dream wasn't for all that. i just wanted to help people. now that i'm older, i feel a lot different. the first word that comes to mind is helpless, but that's not right. lost: maybe. still, all i want is to save someone. i think everyone probably wants that, just to have one person that you can look back to and say, "i helped them." i just want to know i've had a positive impact on someone's life. and most of all, i hope that one day i can save someone and really honestly make them happy.

it's good to know your whole family has the same dry humor as you. thanks for letting me meet them after four months. i suppose major holidays were built for meeting families though. you get prettier every time i see you. i would've stared at you all night while you sat and talked on that couch, but you kept catching me and your smile got me so embarrassed each time it was directed toward me.

quit thinking any little thing is going to make me want you. because close to nothing will ever make me want you back. & i'm getting so damn sick of you saying, "let's be friends," and in two days you decide you don't want that. please, either completely leave me alone or start giving a shit about me.

there's that way you feel it in your spine where everyone says, "that gave me a chill." but this is more comparable to being outside in the cold without a sweater. my arms feel so cold, my chest shakes and i can hardly breathe. except my nose isn't runny, and instead of squinting to keep the cold from my eyes - my eyes are huge. this is the second time you've done this to me, and you know i never forgave you the first time. so what made you think it would be okay now? you've never even fucking met her.

if you're pregnant, i wish it would've been mine. if you're not pregnant, i'm sorry you don't take that as good news since you haven't finished school; since you're sixteen and don't have a job; since you party too much. and if you think i want you back, you're probably right. but that doesn't mean i would ever go back. and, certainly, it doesn't mean i'm worse off than i'd been with you. in fact, i feel a lot better about myself, and i'm much happier than i've been in a long time. but now that we're talking again, i'm sleeping better at night, and i fall asleep as soon as we're off the phone.

well, kid, i never did say you were much of a friend. and i have to say, you falling out of my life so quickly speaks volumes about what i meant to you. but it's alright, i've got people to depend on.

i am just very happy to be yours again. you make me smile, and you get me happier than i've been in about a year.

it's not hate, but it's damn near close. and i just don't believe this is who you are. and i know you know things could be so much better.

i will never be free. freedom is something you find in nature or in love. liberation comes only with dedication and war. i'll never be the type to put my heart and soul into running away, and i've always been too romantic to fight.

there is far too much drama surrounding anything about you and me, for us to ever work. sorry. i'm so over everyone's bullshit over dramatic attitudes. this is probably called giving up on a lot of people, but i consider it freeing myself.

i like you, and you apparently like me. sometimes i can see it, other times i wonder if you're a little too broken to be ready for it. i think we're a compatible pair. i think it's good we aren't glued to each other. i've never felt more comfortable around someone, and i already know i never have to pretend around you. the ability to always be ourselves around each other is what's going to keep us happy.

not knowing where i should be is tearing me apart. she told me she's happy where she is in life, and all i wanted to say was that i don't even know where i am. i'm trying to make everything simple in my overly complicated head, but it's too much of a chore or that's it feels most of the time. it's not my home anymore, but dear god, what i would to make it my utopia again.