woke up this morning on the couch to my alarm telling me to take my pill. i trudged upstairs, took the pill, peed, and fell into my bed. i feel bad for not walking colty to the door last night, but i was so exhausted. i think he didn't mind. i'm sick of the sims not working on my computer. sometimes i just want to control some lives, even if it is only on a simulation computer game. thanksgiving is coming up, i'm definitely excited for the food. as i get older, all the traditions seem to fade... we don't seem to spend as much time with the millers anymore. that's alright, i mean, everyone's busy; i just miss that. went to new moon last night with janelle and cort, it was good times had by all. is it bad of me to wish colty had the back and shoulders that jacob does? for some reason, those parts on a male body (or any body?) are ridiculously attractive to me. and believe me, colty has an attractive back and shoulders but i don't know. the way jacob's muscles rippled attracted me more than muscles ever do or have. i don't really care, though, i love colty's body. it's so warm and cuddly. he's my teddy bear. (: i need to take more pictures with my camera. i just don't know what to take pictures of. hmm. i miss my dear canon. i really just want colty to wake up and call me. but i'll be patient.

note: mood is directly related to music. i'm ridiculously stressed, all because of mr. purdie. we have, what, 4 weeks tops left of the tri, and he's swamping us. ugh. not excited. however, this song is making me feel better. the singer sounds much like relient k. but i digress. variety show is coming up; i really should have dropped stage craft and just had a study period third hour. really. why did i not do that? why... its getting colder, rained off an on all day. i loved it. i need to spray my new boots with the weather proofing stuff, just to give them a little more protection. i don't know what to think about cortney anymore. i think i just wanted to call her "best friend" because i felt like i was all out of girl best friends. but idk, i honestly don't think i can call her that anymore. we never talk, and we never hang out. we honestly only ever talk at lunch. what kinda best friends are we? i think janelle and i are going to be pretty good friends though. which will be fun, but idk. i suppose colty just always will be number one haha. and i'm fine with that. sleep?

i hate pressure. even when people say no pressure. i'm so lucky to have the boyfriend that i do. not many other guys would ask me to please cry and let it all out so i felt better, because he knew i needed to. i honestly feel like i just have one best friend right now. however, i might be making a new one? janelle has listed me in her heroes on myspace (lame but sometimes myspace is the best way to get things across). so idk. we'll see.

i hate soldier front. bleh. i'd probably like it more if i was good at it. i went to the doctor's today and she gave me a bottle of robutessin and some pills but i'm hoping the pills will work better. i really just don't want to get anyone else sick. i'm really tired. too much coughing.

we think i have bronchitis. :/ i've been coughing pretty intensely the past couple of days. it started sunday, when we went to tyler's house. my dad thinks its caused by the dust particles in the air from all the fires lately. maybe. i just want to be better soon so i can kiss colty like i want to. then tomorrow i'm going with colty's fam to salt lake, and then we're staying the night there and saturday morning we're going to squaw peak so we can watch colty longboard. exciting. i'm going to start to be more open. i feel too bitchy.

i love falling asleep with him. even if i'm just laying next to him while he does, and i just listen to him breathe. even if we're only on the phone, and his snoring wakes me up. went to see a free play today, called Blue Door. very, very interesting and intriguing. have i mentioned i need a hair cut? i really don't want to have to look back on these entries and not be with him anymore. sadface... i should probably sleep.

i'm sick of seeing my friends fuck up their lives. jessie's gone crazy. chandler's not nearly as cool anymore. whitney's just boring. is it really that i only have cortney and colty to count on anymore? why do people NEED to use marijuana or get drunk? why can't anyone just live with what they're born with and try to make the best of it instead of take the shitty way of escaping things for a short amount of time. in the long run, it won't help you. in the short run it won't help you. fuck, i'm sick of it. i have almost no respect for the girl i once called my best friend. and i don't miss her, not anymore. not how she is now. the people who use it all the time have no personalities. they're blank and emotionless, but everyone calls it "chill". oh, he's not personality-less, he's just chill. what the fuck. i was talking to chandler the other day, and something came up where i was teasing her and i said, "at least i don't get drunk and make out with a bunch of guys [she's gay] in one night." and you know how she responded? "at least i have fun with my life." yeah, fuck that. i love my life. that's so fucked up that she honestly thinks that's the way to have fun with life. god damn. i mean, if you like it so much, why the hell can't anyone give it up and use it when they're mature enough? when they're fully developed? it's fucking them over so bad. no one will think anything of them eventually. but at least they'll be drunk/high, right? god. /endrant.

i need a hair cut.

just got back from a camping trip slash music festival with the fam and colty. it was fun times, despite the major coldness. taking a shower was mega refreshing, i must say. the music was fun, and my dad got me two shirts and a sticker for the van that has a beaver with a hawaiin flower on it and says "beaver". on the ride back, some dickass truck was like oh, i'm going to pass these two people (one of them being colty and me) but i'm not going to think it through. oh noes, here comes a car coming towards me, it's good that this car i was going to pass (colty and me) is nice and hit the brakes so i could jump in since i'm an idiot. it was retarded. can't go to homecoming, colty's got a show that night in ogden. blah.

colty and i were in his room while he was cleaning things out. he asked me, "do you think i should throw away the pictures of me and whit?" so naturally, being the masochist that i am, i asked to see them. they were cute together. they looked so happy. she was so pretty. i hate being jealous. then he wasn't sure if he should get rid of them. the only argument he had for not doing it was he felt weird having them. i'm selfish, and jealous, and a bitch. i'm so ready for the weekend. i just want to chill. my daddy talked to me about taking the job in new zealand. i think he's completely given up on me going too, which is excellent, so i think if he takes it, my mum is staying here with me at least until i start college or graduate or something. idk. i don't know what's going to happen at this point, but i'm scared to not have my dad at least semi-close. i'm so dependent on my parents, but hey, im 16, i'm allowed to be. right?

hm. a whole week since i wrote... tuesday i got my new camera, and i really like it but i can't find a good mode i like. there isn't just plain "portrait" or anything like that. but still, it's got some pretty sick features. 10 megapixels, 4x optical zoom, image stabilization...it's good stuff. friday, my cousin and her husband (denny and brandon) and their twin sons (gavin and carter) arrived from denver. we had lots of fun playing with them. saturday morning we went to bear lake with them, (dad, teresa, caleb, colty, and myself) and it was way fun. afterward we got shakes, which were delicious. yesterday was the chili party. it was smaller than usual, but definitely fun. they left this morning (and didn't wake me up to say goodbye, sadface). colty went to squaw peak this morning and called me on the way down. he has band practice later (wow! his band is revived?) and i think i'm going with. should be fun. then school tomorrow. ugh. semi-rant: why does everyone love gauges so much? they're ridiculously ugly. when they're small, they just look retarded. when they're big, they look disgusting. why would anyone want gigantic earlobes? it's not attractive. what mostly annoys me though, is it's not the least bit original anymore. and what's worse, when you take out your gauges, your ears are just loose and gross looking. ugh. people with gauges think they're so badass, and i just want to kick them in the ears.

well, we decided not to do the guitar idea, because my dad was shooting it down like crazy. so then he brought up copper pan pipes. so we made them. it was actually kind of fun to cut the pipes to the right measure and see that they were the note they were supposed to be. then i soldered copper caps onto the bottoms of the pipes, and then i soldered them together. it was semi fun. the least fun part was sand-papering it so it was smooth. and then i read the paper and saw i still have a 2 page report on it. ugh. oh well, i'll probably do that tomorrow since i'm not entirely sure if he wants it in essay form or just as a paper. colty's laying on my bed, and i'm sure he's very bored, so we're going to go play champions of norrath. cos we're nerds.

alright, so i'm only semi-relieved because i found an instrument i can make that seems easy slash has just the right amount of effort for a good grade. an oil can guitar. (: so although friday is a short day, it seemed like the longest day of the week. not that it was bad, just long. in third hour (stagecraft/tech crew), josh, harley, mitch, and i explored the rafters in the ceiling above the auditorium. it was scary and awesome at the same time. then we found roof access and looked at it but didn't go on the roof. colty had a show last night, it was way fun. cort and lace were there, which was super great. before the show, i went to colty's band practice at mauro(mo)'s house. lakin gave me and colty our "hookers for the week" and mo's dog frodo was going crazy with an apple. i started my laundry today but i need to clean my room and shower, and i want to get my guitar at least mostly done today.

there have been too many car wrecks. including my own. i took my dad's didgeridoo to school for music 1010, but caldwell wasn't there. he got in a wreck and was in the ER. i really hope he's ok and back to school tomorrow because he's a really cool teacher and i would hate for anything bad to happen to him. i either need new shoes or old shoes for foot breaking when i longboard. but idk if i longboard enough to constitute getting a new pair, so i'll probably just use an old one. i use my shoes for so long.. i love it. i got new socks at wal mart. i'm such a fan. they've all got purple on them. i've made it through almost the entire week. it went by pretty fast. and tomorrow's a short day. more time for napping after school?

sometime i need to watch this movie all the way through, beginning to end. i have to make a homemade instrument for music 1010. but it has to have effort. i'm thinking i'll make a guitar and just paint it and decorate it really elaborated. it's due in one week.

i really don't want to move. i just don't. at least not yet. i don't want to move.

i don't like how i have to tell him what to do/say to make me feel better, but i can't expect him to know. maybe he'll pick up on it someday and i won't ever have to tell him again.

by now, you'd think i would be used to plans falling through. but it continues to disappoint me. shake it off, chels. it doesn't matter. -- i honestly don't know why i try anymore. why i try to tell him the things that he should work on. like being on time every once in a while; i personally think it's a good life skill to have. or why i try to talk things through and work through them (and usually end up just trying to comfort him). i probably should just give up.

i'm ridiculously out of shape. i really should start treating myself better. colty and i sat and talked about it the other day, how we know we need to start eating healthier and exercising a little more. it's just hard being a teenager and not eating when you're bored or not going to wendy's for lunch or not sitting on the computer instead of going to the gym or for a run or a walk or a bike ride. we need motivation.

school started thursday. it's decent, i just hate that the only time i ever had the same lunch as colty was when i didn't know him slash first met him. i really enjoy going to lunch with him, just i can't. oh well, i have cortney in my lunch, and leech, so it's all good. there's no more andy though. we're all mourning. i have one teacher for three of my classes this term. he's pretty cool though, so i'm not complaining. 1st - history 2nd - french 1010 3rd - stagecraft 4th - music 1010 5th - english 11 so it should be a fairly easy, fairly boring trimester. i only took stagecraft because there was absolutely nothing else. and i mean nothing. beside veterinarian science, which is more pointless than stagecraft because it's doing work i don't need to do, and stagecraft is slacking off. oh how i enjoy being a teenager. my parents got home today! how exciting. they brought chocolate (lots of cadbury chocolate), tank tops, hair wraps, a (waterproof) camera... it's fantastic. i enjoy my parents being home. i mean it was fun with my sister because she's more chill when it comes to hanging out and she doesn't require bonding time as much; when she does ask to hang out i usually do. oh well, it's good all the same. i like having my alarm set to early on the weekends because then i get all flustered and upset because i think i have to get ready and then i remember it's the weekend and i'm flooded with relief and i crawl back into my warm bed and sleep more. so this camera my parents brought back, i might not use it. it's great that it's waterproof and all, and 10 megapixels is super great and everything, but i think i would prefer a different camera. we'll see. my mum wants this one, so maybe i'll let her have it and i'll get my own. it's still pretty wicked though. i'd be happy with it since it's a camera at all. and it's small and pocket sized. i had to find a theme song for music 1010, and i was nervous because i thought it had to be a serious theme song. but then he told us it didn't. so i chose start wearing purple by gogol bordello, and it was a nice relief. i don't really know anyone in that class, so it was awkward to get up and stand in front of them and talk about how purple is my favorite color, and then bullshit about how the song makes me feel better whenever i'm down. oh well though. builds character.