I'm soo tired of being a scared little girl.I feel so jaded. Like everything ive read and seen and heard has all been a lie. No ones hurt me. So how i can be jaded or disillusioned. Love isnt how it is in the movies. There isnt always a perfect ending. No ones tells the truth or wants to, No one is willing to take a chance and see where it takes them. I want to live my life with no regrets. I dont want to wake up in the morning and wish i had done something else. I dont want to look back on my life and thought if i had just done something that i wanted that things might have been different. Even though some decisions might hurt me, i know that they happened for a reason. Whether its to teach me a lesson or just to open my eyes. Everything you experience in life isnt going to be productive and life changing. Alot of it is going to hurt but not forever. you have to just live. Live everyday so hard. So full of life and love and happiness and wonder. Curiosity is where its at. Keep your mind open and think deeply because the world needs more people like that. Sooo much more people like that. I'm going to take days just to sit around my house and do nothing. and just be okay with that. Running around with your friends is great but you need that one day to chill out and breathe, let the air circulate through your lungs and especially your head. :]] I sound like im writing my inspirational note. You know that note that when you die someone finds it and then they decide to tell the whole world. Throw a couple of quotes out into the big ol' world. But im not writing that. I just feel so full of thoughts and ideas. Im soo tired of reading those dumb teen romance novels, where the girls finds herself, her voice and gets the guy. ouch i sound like a bitter ex girlfriend. like someone just broke my heart and im soo mad i have to blame everything around me and all that ive known. Im not that girl either. Is it sad i have so much wisdom on a subject i dont even have experience with. People ask me everyday what to do about their damn boyfriends or some guy their talking to, like i have all the answers. I'm some fucking guru but im not. I'm just samantha who knows too much because she listens to much. This is where i start my reallll rant. where i say fuck the world and that im done. Oh i am this girl. no one listens to me. I mean obviously im writing to an online journal. It seems like anything i have to say isnt important or worth listening too. I'll seriously listen to one of my so called friends talk about whatever teen situation drama their in at the time. Then when i start to talk, its like "oh god samantha is about to say something better drown her out with more stories about me" I know i dont have anything to say about my love life. I really dont have one. I can like whoever i want but im too scared to tell them or flirt outrageously because i think ill look like a complete idiot/dumby/whore. its just not me. i cant do that and i hate that. I know people love me but i want that someone too. who i cant talk to about how dumb my soo called friends are. I want that person.at the same time i know i dont need them. I'm fine by myself right now. I hang out with the "friends" every now and then and i still suck ass at school but im working on it and thats all i need. Oh and the family area could be better but being a teenager is all about your parents holding you back because they know that if they give you enough rope, you just might hang yourself. I want to read the classics and have educational discussions and have my opinion be heard. Because its a special one,one thats different that most.I'm liberal but at the same time kind of conservative.I believe abortion is okay but should be limited strictly.I believe god is out there and sometimes i dont. I believe in fate but at the same time i dont. I believe without suffering there wouldnt be compassion. I know this is so very confusing and weird but i dont know, I had an epiphany today when i woke up. I think it all comes back to the single fact that im finding myself.I'm ready to see who i really am. Im almost ready to grow up.