I got out of the Army this past April. I got my disability, good thing I started on that before I left. I'm at my aunts place. That woman has been nothing but kind to me. Which is why anything she asks of me is done without question. I haven't talked to my sister that is close to my age since April 2008 or my younger sister that's in uni now since June of last year. Slowly but surely I'm am losing connections to people in my life. Do I miss that? No not at all. More and more a burden I become. Erica you changed, it's why I have no real desire to contact you. You pretty much wrote me off when I told you I was going to Afghanistan in 20012. Which coincidentally was when you got with your now boyfriend. People change they always do. I feel like I am a relic now. Memories of a persons past. All I hear is remember when we.... Yeah, I'm irrelevant now which is why I hardly talk to them anymore. When I got here I after I got out I thought the one friend that would never turn me away did. Sadly was cause of a woman. Like another friend I knew for 20 years. He's on an entry here if your interested. I thought he would be around forever too. My faith in people is at an all time low. I'm just filled with apathy for people I know mostly. Even my brother, I have failed him too. Fuck everyone just about. But I'm here, I gave a homeless lady 5 bucks while waiting for the bus. She thought I wasn't listening because I was on the phone. It's sad, I feel more hope for and compassion for strangers that have less than I do. Than for people I know in my life. Because I feel that one day they will cast me a side or betray me. I'm looking forward to starting school next year with my GI Bill from the military. I'm done with knowing people, or getting to know them, fucking disappointment the lot of them. Just I can graduate and leave this motherfucker. I had hope when I came, I really looked forward to seeing my friend. Hell, even staying in Texas but fuck it, fuck him and just about fuck it all. I'm just going to live my life doing what I want to do. 1. Go to Japan, preferably Shinjuku 2. Have a threesome 3. Build something that everyone will use 4. Live in another country 5. Chill at a nudist colony for vacation There's more stuff but it's all I can think of. Well peace out people

A month ago I went running around the base. The wooded area proved to be a journey of clarity. As I finished my run I walked back to the barracks. It was seven in the morning and quite a beautiful one at that, bright and sunny clear day. Though the base was particularly barren of vehicles it was not uncommon for a Saturday at that time. I had my headphones on feeling exhaustion set in due to me carrying 20 pounds of weights in my backpack. There was nothing unusual about it.... I walked obliviously on the sidewalk, suddenly I felt something brush up against my arm as I walked I stopped and looked around. Pausing into all directions I saw noone or anything that would indicate anyone was around. I heard a sound, a bird call. As I looked up a tree I saw a crow perched on a branch. Staring at me I looked at it as if it wanted something. I don't know, I just sensed something, can't explain it, just sensed it. There in it's eyes kinda got lost but I stood there.... Confused, I just continued onward, but sortly thereafter I felt it again. I halted, turned down my music, obviously I knew it wasn't cause someone was nearby. I saw a black streak pass up close by, it brushed my shoulder as it flew by. Looking at it as it flew by it stopped on a nearby tree. I looked up at it and it stared back at me. It cawed and then it simply took off into the sky. Who knows what that was about but I felt it was significant, to what end, I guess time will tell....

One of my friend's said I reminded him of David Banner ( that was his name on the tv show not Bruce) from the Hulk tv show. I started this pattern long ago since I was 13 when I left for Chicago for the summer. As a way to get away from it all. I missed friends, family members, I was around nothing familiar. That was the first time it hit me harder than any other time in my life. Yeah, I dealt with it as much as any kid that age could. But there was that added concern that where I stayed at death was at every turn. This was more prevalent when I took out the trash. As soon as I had opened the back door There were 6 cop cars outside. I could see a police man stretching out the yellow crime scene tape. I overlooked the alley, looking to see what people were looking at.I was puzzled as to what was going on. I then saw a naked woman lying on the stairwell outside of a abandoned two story house. She looked quite attractive. It then hit me when I saw a policeman put a sheet over the woman's body. The concept of death I knew well. But knowing it as simply a bystander watching aftermath. That was another matter. I thought this is how quickly we can all leave. But we all leave whether we like it or not, be it by force or choice. The only thing that's good is when you leave by choice you have the option to say your good byes, and however long it takes for you to say them. I got to admit though, Yeah I would want more than anything to stay in one place. Some place to belong. Not that I need the validity of others for that. But belonging in a place where I feel comfortable. That whenever I am in that particular location, a subtle smile overcomes me. That the place it self is my reason. But I haven't come across that yet. I guess stuff like this takes years who knows. If that is the case I'll find out. Soon enough, but even if I don't I was still determined to find that place.

Yesterday my little brother told me he hanged himself two years ago. No one was home he would have succeeded but a friend of his came by the house saw him in his room hanging. His friend got him down and gave him CPR. He doesn't know how long he was out. Though first thing my brother did was slap him across the face cause now he has to deal with living. Life goes on I guess.

I had this dream..Basically like it was the people I knew in my life and they were all like a in a fucked up version of Battle Royale. They were killing one another with guns knives whatever. I was just watching this, it felt surreal, like the people I knew in my life were interacting in the most violent ways. And every time one of them died my memory of them I could feel fading away. I don't know what any of that means. But it was a small amount of people. I don't make it a point to be social. And the people I do know I do talk to them. But even shorter is the list of people I actually trust. Just makes me wonder what it means...I still think of her a lot. It is funny how I lose weight when I'm not with her. But she said it herself no matter what I do it's over. I am accepting that more and more inside. But on the outside everyone thinks I am over her cause I don't talk abot her anymore. Despite her ripping up my letters, I still have hers. I don't make it a point to read them much but I do like knowing I simply just have them there. I know cause of that it makes it harder to let go. But when I do it will be completely.

I saw the movie Benjamin Button I liked it very much. It made me think on a deep and personal level about myself. These past journal entries of mine that are my story. And the one person that I shared what I wanted to most. But that seems like ages ago. I know I can't go back and change things. Shit happens for a reason bad or good it makes us who we are. I feel personally I am improving as a person. I wish I would have realized this sooner but if I did would it really change anything. I mean you can have all the wisdom in the world if you don't take action it just ends up as good intentions. The only thing good intentions are just simple thoughts. It made me think about like being with anyone as well. I realize most chicks want so many things especially at my age. They want kids, a mortgage, a mundane life. I can't do that cause really I know I am self destructive and if kids see that they will emulate that. My little brother tries to emulate me but no matter what he does he can't. No matter how much I told him I want a better life for him than the one I had, he just can't listen. I was talking with an uncle of mine about women and the bullshit they tend to bring to be brought up with an ironic question. 'When are you getting married?' I mean really like you just weren't paying attention to the conversation at hand? But I just shrugged it off and said as soon as I can find a chick that can put up with my bullshit which is true. She would have been obvious but my fear of my failings towards her is what always held me back which is why I never proposed to her through the 3 years we were together. Now things are different yeah but she is out of the picture and moved on. I have accepted the fact that I will more than likely be lone the rest of my life but I've done many bad things that it's just really what I deserve. So later today I hope to get fucked up enough to forget about this even if it is only for one night. Happy fucking new year everybody.

What do you do? How do you react? When friends see you as a burden and the family you have forgets about you. And when they don't they just call to bitch about shit. One of my best friends I have known over more than 2 decades just sees me more of being in their way than a friend. I mean they say they would so this and that for you. And really it's only when it is convenient for them. And when it's not well..Well Oh well that's what. I'm not gonna say I got it the worst lord knows other people do. But man living this life I feel I experienced everything I possibly could. I have already felt loved in my life, if only for a year I really sincerely felt that. All these emotions people are supposed to feel while they are alive, been there done that. Honestly, What is left is just to die. I want that more than anything right now. Oh I'd jump off a bridge or blow out my brains by now. But as limiting and pathetic it might seem to some it's against my beliefs to do so. I just want to stay dead, not like last time when I came back. I swear if I would have stayed dead when I was a kid things would have been better. But fuck it shit didn't turn out that way plain and simple. I'd worry about the one person that would read this that's here on this site. But you know what fuck her too.

Things are looking up, I don't have to leave. Saw the movie Troy "beautiful" is what I thought. And I pondered damn where the fuck is Homer? Too bad someone like that doesn't exsist today to come up with a movie script that is pleasing to the viewing audience. Sadly Most anime have a way better plot and story than most American movies. It's just something I noticed. Friday pay some stuff to get that out of the way.

I saw my lil brother and my lil sis this past weekend. It felt rather familiar and comforting. During my time since I have been here I have felt solace from a familial standpoint. Played Monster Hunter 2 with my bro it was nice, felt like old times. I just wish I could do things like that more often but that isn't the case. Even though it was just the weekend it was something I felt I enjoyed for longer than that. It felt like I was a part of my family..something I haven't felt in over a year.

Yesterday night me and my best friend wanted to see ghosts. So at like midnight we went to 3 cemeteries if we could see ghosts. On his camera he felt like he caught something. But after looking at it carefully it was nothing really definitive to go on. I had my PSP cam but really couldn't see shit in the dark. I could do a mod to it to enable night vision mode but that would involve me taking apart my PSP and the chance of it fucking up the PSP cam attachment. so Yeah 100 bucks gone to shit just for tinkering with crap XD. Today I might go see WANTED been .. wanting to see it XD so hopefully it will be a cool movie.

I like to travel, always have. To me the best feeling is reaching a new destination and starting fresh. Though one of the biggest reasons for traveling is because I am not bothering anyone or being in their way. I guess with the job I have now I feel that. My hour long commute to my job is like I am starting new everyday. I have that sense of hope inside every time. Hope that things will be different.

The rainy weather makes me feel rather pensive for some reason, almost as if I was transfixed with something.

At work I thought of nothing really. I mean to the point of zoning the complete world were it not for the inscessant beeping on the stoves. Sometimes I feel like i take my time doing my work and it's like nobody notices. Yes, Reasons like that I like my job. Thinking of making a hentai manga of TEKKEN..more on that later

It was cool got the Spiderman 2 movie. I also got Wipeout Pure and Untold Legends

So what is new per say nothing really. Several things will happen this year. 1. Summer and I Plan to move to a different Apartment Complex( Yes, joy , Oh, fucking joy) 2. Making plans to go to college even if I have to sign my life away. No not what you think but I will take out a loan. See my mom which I haven't gone to visit in oh..say.a year so that'll be fun

A question often asked in high school? Mind yoiu it has been 5 years since I last graduated. The other day at work I asked a co-worker this who is 21 presently. I asked him is this where thought you would be? He replied-Actually I thought I would be in college. I told him " I thought I was gonna go to college to when I was gonna graduate." If someone asked me the same question again. I would respond," I don't know". for the main reason that I don't know if I'll be alive at that point in time. My friend pointed out,"Make a plan, even if you have billions of dollars you know what you're gonna do with. One thing youdidn't count on was God?" He said,"I live my life everyday as if it were going to be my last." I said,"I live my life depending on it being my last." -------------- On a different note I got MGS 3:Snakeater The ending made me think about how trivial the majority of war is. Yet knowing that will make being a part of it just that much harder to deal with.

I'll try to make it a point to write everytime I'm online. So recent news: I got a bike to pedal my fat ass home. Yes take that Jenny Craig. I was also thinking of getins a DV Camera. They sell em at Target for 100 bucks so I want to get it more and more.And then there's Summer's parents coming over. I told her I'll try to be civil but if I hear any snide remarks the kid gloves are off.I admire her father being a veteran that he is..But he loses major cool points for going along with whatever his wife says.I really don't want to meet them. Oh well. I guess it's those things that you don't want to do but have too. Man I'm hungry I guess I'll wait till I get to work

Yesterday I woke up from a dream...actually a nightmare. It was at night and Summer and i were walking. She had dropped something, It was a flower that I had given her that night. She was gonna reach down to get it and I told her," I got it". So as I picked up the flower I heard a shot and Summer.....fell...to....the..ground. I heard where the shot came from and I saw a guy looking at me from the shadows. I took off after him I ran as fast as I could. Moments later I caught him and held him down to the ground, I asked,"Why?! Why did you shoot at her?!" Mind you I had never seen this person before." He said," I wasn't trying to shoot at her. I was trying to shoot at YOU! I'm your son! I let go of him, I saw into his eyes as he told me. He was crying, I knew he was telling the truth. All I could think of if he's my son what did I do to that was so bad that he would kill me... And that's where I woke up. I never felt so guilty in my life. It seriously made me think cautiously about having kids or a kid. I just hope it was that.

i was thinking about getting a PDA or handheld computer. mainlt due to the fact that I have a memo pad that i write in. i hardly write here cause of that. And if I did have that I could merely transfer the data. i shopped for the cheapest,color, backlight PDA there was and it was a Tungsten E it goes for about 150$. I also wanted to get it cause of numbers and play games on it too. I was thinking about getting the PSP when it comes out in May seeing as it's going for 200$. I got other S!uff @n my m!ind &ut we $hall see.. Oh yeah my birthday will be on friday la-de-freakin-fucking-da. I don't care for my bithday much wanna know WHY? Then you read entry A Memory (Part 2)

Well Summer's latest entry is making me none to happy. I understand what she wants but just want her to be ok. Her mother has a sense of complete disregard for her offspring it re disgusts me she's almost right there with my father. I'll write more later today...