I saw the movie Benjamin Button I liked it very much. It made me think on a deep and personal level about myself. These past journal entries of mine that are my story. And the one person that I shared what I wanted to most. But that seems like ages ago. I know I can't go back and change things. Shit happens for a reason bad or good it makes us who we are. I feel personally I am improving as a person. I wish I would have realized this sooner but if I did would it really change anything. I mean you can have all the wisdom in the world if you don't take action it just ends up as good intentions. The only thing good intentions are just simple thoughts. It made me think about like being with anyone as well. I realize most chicks want so many things especially at my age. They want kids, a mortgage, a mundane life. I can't do that cause really I know I am self destructive and if kids see that they will emulate that. My little brother tries to emulate me but no matter what he does he can't. No matter how much I told him I want a better life for him than the one I had, he just can't listen. I was talking with an uncle of mine about women and the bullshit they tend to bring to be brought up with an ironic question. 'When are you getting married?' I mean really like you just weren't paying attention to the conversation at hand? But I just shrugged it off and said as soon as I can find a chick that can put up with my bullshit which is true. She would have been obvious but my fear of my failings towards her is what always held me back which is why I never proposed to her through the 3 years we were together. Now things are different yeah but she is out of the picture and moved on. I have accepted the fact that I will more than likely be lone the rest of my life but I've done many bad things that it's just really what I deserve. So later today I hope to get fucked up enough to forget about this even if it is only for one night. Happy fucking new year everybody.