“The greatness of a nation can be judged by how it treats its weakest member,” -Gandhi I had my physical exam today. First one. Ever. Now I remember why I never go to the doctor.

"Patient with our fate we sit, for we got ourselves into this shit"

Hey baby girl, Your dad started a massive group text with all his family and your moms family this morning. Your mom checked into the hospital for her C-section about 6:30am. You came into this world at 7:58am, Friday September 25, 2020. Your dad sent out pictures of you being weighed at 8:10am. 7lbs 10 oz. 20 inches long. Your Grandma stayed home with your older siblings and got them off to school. We got pictures of happy big brother and big sister too. I think you look like your dad's side of the family already. The cheeks. You look a like a screamer too. :P I think the screaming you get from your mom's side. One of these pictures your dad took of your exhausted mom holding you suggests she is just thrilled to have another screaming child in her ear. She loves you so much. You can't even imagine. Your dad is sending us pictures through out the day of you. He does it on the pretense of sharing you with the whole family, but I think he secretly could take pictures of you and watch/stare at you all day long. He adores you. You're probably going to be the last baby on this side of the family. Unless your mom decides to have another kid. Or unless I, your aunt, comes up with a baby in the future.... I wouldn't hold my breath for that. There are 20 of us now altogether on your dad's side of the family. 6 nephews/grandsons and now 5 nieces/granddaughters. The boys were ahead for the longest time, but the girls have been catching up. You made a nice round number of 20. It was either you or my potential husband making #20. You won the race. Perfect timing. I was so excited for your arrival I went and bought some clothes for you already. I gave your parents a onesie that says "My Aunt Loves Me" for you to wear as soon as you get here. I told them I want a pic with you in it since I can't come see you anytime soon with COVID-19/quarantine and such. The history books, newspapers, journals, social media will all say this year sucked. 2020 will always be remembered as the year that sucked because of illness/pandemic, death, fires, flooding, hurricanes, earthquakes, infestations, hatred, fear, protests, riots, etc. A year when the world shut down. I'm sorry if this taints peoples' view on your birth year, but hey, I'm pritti sure everyone will remember it! You are the great, wonderful, miracle we all needed this year. You are our symbol of love and hope for the future. Our joy. No pressure. I just read about a baby girl in Poland named Tikva during World War II. a jewish name, a hebrew word meaning "hope". During times of turbulence and unrest we look for any sign of hope. I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to hold a baby in this family, a baby that's "mine" if you will, prolly for the last time.

Family Vacation. Road Trip 2020 cuz what else you gonna do this year? Nothing like testing the limits of your love by taking a long road trip together. It's like the Grinch stole Christmas and all the Whos in Whoville sing anyway. Well, we created memories and it was fun. A moment to be marked down in history for this family. I need a vacation long enough that I forget all my passwords. There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacay.

Grandpa passed away during the night. I was going to go see him. We all thought he'd last longer on hospice. I even bought him flowers. But I was too late to say goodbye. I wish I could/knew how to put pictures in journal entries. I only have pictures to describe how I feel, I have no words right now. Maybe The Little Prince can help, as he has helped me title my journal site here ("Such a secret place, this land of tears"): "You run the risk of weeping a little if you let yourself get tamed." (tamed = create ties = love)

"Over in Killarney, many years ago my mother sang a song to me in tones so sweet and low just a simple little diddy in her good old Irish way And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me today Oft' in dreams I wander to that cot again I hear her softly hummin' to me as when she did back then I I fell her softly huggin' me as in days of yore when she used to rock me fast asleep outside that cabin door Too ra loo ra loo ral too ra loo ra lie too ra loo ra loo ral hush now don't you cry Too ra loo ra loo ral too ra loo ra lie too ra loo ra loo ral that's an Irish lullaby"

Aftershocks are still happening since the 5.7 earthquake. Yesterday a 4.2 aftershock about 9pm. Update: Apr 16: Another aftershock at 4.2 mag at 7:40am. I felt that one while getting ready for work. Got internet for the house for the first time in my life. One for the history books. Internet for the first time in 2020. Call it a birthday present. Takes nothing less than a pandemic for me to be willing to pay for internet. Lots more things to do when I'm bored, a way to connect to people so I don't drown in fear or depression, opportunity to take some online classes, and giving me the opportunity to work from home if I need to. Did I mention internet is a huge time suck? Partly the reason I didn't have it before. My birthday is coming up. Feliz's birthday too. Kinda sucks to watch a 7yr old have a virtual bday party and lack of presents. I went out and bought lots of presents for her just to spoil my baby girl. She's not getting much else. A birthday party with her siblings and cake and ice cream. Jackie just had his virtual bday party that they particpated in. Nicky says the worst part of a virtual bday party is no cake and ice cream for party guests, only the birthday person. I've been gorging on desserts this week. By the end of COVID-19 I think we'll all have gained 19 pounds. Stress eating and celebratory food for my bday since nothing else is gonna happen on my bday. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Kind of mourning my bday or lack thereof. I usually go out and do something special, something fun. I was planning a little stay-cation within the state, a long weekend, but not anymore... Now its a perpetual stuck in my house thing. I've expressed my depression of my birthday and my age to others and they have surprisingly stepped up in trying to make me feel better about it. I appreciate it. I feel cared about. They know I like excuses to travel, do things, have fun, and how sad it is for me when I can't. Its like they know me a little bit. On a positive note my stimulus check from the government came today direct deposit. Hey, if Trump is giving out money to stimulate the economy into working again... I'll take it. Since I'm not travelling this year I guess I can focus on paying off my mortgage. xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxooxoxoxoxox "Millennials are not partying. We and our anxiety issues are holed up working from home, watching Hulu, and yelling at our parents not to go outside. It's Gen Z you want." "A note to society: Please stop saying that Millennials are behaving irresponsibly and risking the spread of the virus by springbreaking in Florida. Most of us Millennials are in our 30's, haven't had college springbreak in 8-12 years, have bad backs, and are sitting in our makeshift home offices trying to teach our older colleagues how to videoconference. I don't know who those kids are on the beach, but it ain't us. Our student loan debt wouldn't even allow us to take a week-long vacation..." oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo How weird is 2020? It's April 15th. The IRS just sent me money....

And just to make 2020 even more interesting.... Woke up to an aftershock from a 5.7 magnitude earthquake at 7:09am. Aftershock I felt at 7:15am being 3.7 magnitude. A generous shake to the house, but not really violent like closer to the epicenter/main quake. Enough to wake up most of the state. My phone went off for a little while after that with family asking about me. Some people say bad timing in the middle of the coronavirus issue, but because of the virus we had most of the community shut down and started quarantining already so not everyone was out and about and there's another reason to stay home. Well, given the stores are empty, we should all be good with at least 72 hour kits. Still feeling aftershocks, hours, maybe days, after. Kinda making me motion sick. No fatalities. Minor damage. Assessing structural damage at this point. The worst it seems to be a mobile home park shaken off their foundations with gas and power issues. Many people displaced because of structural issues (so much for home quarantine) and power is out for approximately 40K people. All the while, with this latest upset, we are all still trying not to get the virus. Coronavirus hit more close to home and a week later an earthquake. We will recover. One day at a time...

I was just commenting on the Coronavirus from my point of view so far, as some of this reaction and media is raising my anxiety, not to the point of hoarding TP and hand sanitizer and noodles, but still it helps me feel better to write things down, get it off my chest so to speak. The facts and my feelings so I can separate logic from my emotions. I appreciate hearing about others' experiences also, so I don't feel so alone. It helps to know other countries are doing similar type of lock downs and hearing about their coping mechanisms. I do feel for the victims and those that have succumbed to the illness. This came suddenly and spread fast, catching people off guard, little time to react and dying as a consequence. Victims of time, or lack thereof. I recognize that shutdowns will slow the virus, which is imperative right now, so we can take this on one day at a time and not collaspe the health care system and economy. I too do not feel the pressure of trying to protect and feed a family during these times and I can see how that might be the cause of some panic. It's just me and I can take care of myself. I feel for the businesses and those workers who live from paycheck to paycheck. Work is all Americans really know. They don't know what holiday/vacation is. So I can see this impacting them in many ways as a result. I feel for all the businesses out there who make bank this time of year on St. Patricks Day but have had to close its doors. I support all these decisions to prevent and protect, but I do think the hoarding and panic is a little out of control. I'm not the only one who thinks so when our government leaders are asking the public to calm down. Grocery stores are still open and will continue to be so, they just want to you to stay at home as much as possible and only wander out to the grocery store when needed. It's social distancing, avoiding situation, not completely disappearing, extinction situation. Not a bunker down and never come out situation for the majority of people, so far. I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better though and I feel recovery time is going to be a long road for the country, for the world. This is just the beginning. After 9/11/2001 there came the recession for years and this virus might bring similiar consequences, but globally. The financial bailout with similiar results may come. It is all a cause and effect chain and it will effect us all probably for a long time. We definitely need more National Prayer days. Maybe there's a nicer way to say calm down.... Let's not forget what is most important.

Dear Diary, The beginning of 2020 began with the Coronavirus (COVID-19) a strain of the flu we've never seen before and therefore have no antidote or vaccine. It started in Wuhan China, in a seafood market they say, and it is spread, I believe, like most common illnesses with the coughing, sneezing, touch, etc. It's symptoms seem the same also "fever, cough, shortness of breath", a general not feeling well. Honestly I'm not sure how they separate it from any other common cold or flu other than testing it. This flu is fatal, just like the normal flu does, but this one tends to take down the older people, esp who have had previous health issues "underlying medical conditions" like respiratory issues or who are immunosuppressed. People in their 60's and older are dropping dead. But most recover from Corona, like the normal flu. And on the subject of testing, because of how rare this random strain is and how fast it spread in China there may not be enough testing kits as it spreads throughout the world. But I'm sure the CDC is very proactive when it comes to that. It spread from Asia to Europe to the US. China and Italy I believe got hit the first and hardest. The only solution we have so far is isolation. Quarantine. 14 days they suggest. People on the cruise ships got a lot longer vacation than they anticipated. The old folk's homes, rest homes, retirement communities, hospice, BEWARE. Maybe this is the world's harvest and reaping of the baby boomers and elderly off the earth so something else will happen, something bigger, something glorious. I'm trying to talk like the dooms dayer people. But on a worldwide scale it has infected over 100,000 and killed thousands. Jan 11 2020 was the first death from the virus, a frequent customer at the seafood market. Jan 20, 2020 was the first case in the US, a man in Washington. Of course they wanted to keep all that awesomeness in China, but they quickly learned this was going to be a global issue, which was declared said global health emergency on Jan 30, 2020. The next day the President restricts entry into the US from China or anyone who has been there the last 14 days. Then there began the deaths outside of China. Feb 5, 2020 was a mass exit from China. Run for your lives! China is going to kill us all! They have a huge contaminated population they can't contain! There were little upsets all over the world at the beginning of all this about eating at Chinese restaurants or interacting with any chinese person or participating in the Chinese New Year or other cultural activities. Oy vay. On a side note, Mother thinks China is testing in chemical warfare tactics and accidently created something and it got loose. Some people think this was created and released on purpose. Trump thinks it was to thwart his presidency and re-election this year. Cuz it's all about him. The first American died in Wuhang while living there on Feb 11. Feb 15 was the first death outside of Asia, a chinese tourist in Paris. (and boom! There goes Europe) But then Feb 23, Italy is in an uproar with incoming illness. By Feb 27 people are considering cancelling major events that have to do with large crowds. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints discouraged attendance to their semi-annual General Conference here in the state, esp international travelers, and soon other Utah state companies followed suit with their major events, asking people to stay home if at all possible. On Feb 29 (leap day?) the first person to die in the US because of the virus and the governor of Washington declares a state of emergency. We've had the virus in the US, and we've had an American die, but this is the first American to die IN the US. As far as ties to my home state, we had Utahns from Tooele and St. George quarantined and eventually ended up contracting the virus, but they were on a cruise ship by Japan at the time. But they were the first Utahns to be diagnosed with the virus on Feb 14. March 5, 2020 is the first person to be tested positive in my home state, Utah. A man coming back from a cruise ship tested positive just hours before the Governor declared a state of emergency. (He didn't know we had a case in the state at the time) By declaring such it helps with funding to prepare, to be on defense for when it does hit our state. By then the other cruise ship passengers from Utah had come home and were in quarantine and taking test after test until they passed. March 10, a second person tested positive in UT. Of course, President Donald Trump is all up in arms and is ready to solve this problem. How? The American way. Money of course! Throw money at it. 8.3 billion to be exact. Okay okay the money is helping to make testing kits and find a cure. I guess. But of course, Trump doesn't want to go down for this tanking his country so he throws his VP under the bus and tells him to be in charge of this virus thing. Some say the VP is not very good at public health crises. By March 9, the stock market has taken a plunge sending the economy into a dither. The worst since the global financial crisis of 2008 (The recession, I remember clearly). In response, Americans (I'm sure the rest of the world is responding just as enthusiastically) went into a panic and raided ALL the stores of ALL their hand sanitizer, cleaning products, cold medications, bottled water and even the toilet paper. The last two don't even make sense to me, but okay. The fear is protecting yourself from others and therefore you need lots of hygiene products I guess. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) came out early on giving the normal speech they do during the regular flu season of avoid touching, cover your mouth when you cough, wash your hands often. We all roll our eyes and continue our lack of hygiene like usual. But now! The people have interpreted the CDC as practically screaming "Don't touch each other! Don't touch yourself!" Don't breathe on each other. Don't cough, clear your throat or sneeze! Hang out with your friends at 20 feet apart. It has become common place to apologize for shaking hands on accident now. Isolation will be next. If didn't have social issues before.... we definitely will now. The General Surgeon asked people to stop buying masks (as they do not effectively stop the spread of the virus) and the people that actually need them for daily procedures don't have any because the public went into a panic. They now have restrictions on how many medications and masks you can buy. My dentist couldn't order his usual order of masks and his reason is legit. He deals with peoples mouths, salvia, noses, faces, petri dishes of bacteria. Personally though, the impact of all this didn't sink in for me until Wed March 11. The President interrupted normal TV broadcasting to announce a ban on travel from Europe to the US. First China, now Europe. Nobody can come to the US for 30 days, with some exceptions. (And he was worried about the Mexicans) This news sent families fleeing off airplanes while on the tarmac. The same day the Church announced General Conference to be via technology only. No one in the building. But the kicker for me was the breaking news was that Rudy Gobert of the Utah Jazz basketball NBA team tested positive for Coronavirus. Just before a game! Which caused an exodus of the arena and the cancelling of the whole NBA season. During March Madness! I thought for sure, if the NBA has quit then the US is going down. Up to this point people are considering cancelling certain things and discouraged from large gatherings, but with this announcement of suspending altogether... This was big. I could feel it. And everyone followed suit. The next day everyone is sending out mass emails cancelling everything, universities are going online, businesses telling employees to not come to work but to work via online while at home, to customers telling them they will help them via the internet, telephone conference, or video. Even the Church cancelled everything on the books (til April 13 is the date most ppl are going with). TV shows like Jimmy Fallon are not having audiences anymore. Mandy Moore interviewed with Jimmy and performed on tv in front of like 5 people and the Roots band. Donovan Mitchell, another Jazz player, tested positive the next day. And the stock market is said to be the worst they say since Black Monday of 1987. Within hours of the Wed night announcements, the stores were raided yet again for said products as before but now also the food, moreso the shelf stable foods. I haven't been to a store since Monday when I bought lots of food for the Relief Society activity we probably shouldn't have held. But my roommate has been and she's seen the long lines, many shopping carts to one person, and the empty shelves of everything. I'm sure Costco was crazy on March 12, 2020. The fear now being they will have to self quarantine for weeks, if not months, and they need all the food to take home and survive, ride it out. They talk about "postponing" (cancelling everything) for a few weeks and some have stretched it out to 30 days, so I'm not sure if we'll all be isolated for 14 or 30 days or even more. Nobody knows the timeline so therefore they prepare by emptying the stores. Better safe than sorry. Ironically, by March 13 the stock market took a little boost, I’m assuming with all the consumers buying out the stores the last 42 hours in mass hysteria. Friday the 13th! Everything and everyone is spiraling very quickly I feel like after March 11. Feeling the impact moreso in the U.S. now, moreso in my home state. I mean they cancelled church! The WHO (World Health Organization) declared this flu a pandemic. 114 countries reported 118,000 have contracted Covid-19. Nearly 4,300 people have died. In the US just over 1,000 cases been diagnosed and 29 people have died. (Facts in this entry I've gathered from the news, cuz ya know, the news never lies.) This feels like closer to the end to me (even then though it doesn't feel detrimental to me yet) than any other time I've been alive. I survived Y2K, essentially the "end of the world", the recession, natural disasters plaguing the country, financial emergencies, etc. Nothing really, compared to those who survived the wars and depressions. The consensus around here is this is all ridiculous, the panic is unnecessary, and the world is not ending. There's maybe 3 people in UT with the virus and we have more warning and instruction than China did. We are considered brave to go into work now. But now having a less risk state/country shutting everything down and creating a ghost town essentially out of caution already has made me feel just a little uneasy. CALM DOWN PEOPLE.

Watching my roommate being unemployed coming up on six months now is making me want to fly away from here. If I were unemployed for six months I wouldn't sit around the house. I'd go to another country for at least a month. So not everyone could afford to go play for a month or more, but both she and I have the means ($) and she prefers to be homebound (even tho she declares to be a traveller). I couldn't sit at home all day like she does. I'd go crazy. I'm going crazy just watching her. Imagining all the things I would do, the places I would go, if I didn't have to go to work every day. I'm saving up for something big one day tho. When the boss retires I'm taking at least one month off and then maybe a few more trying to find another job. I dream about Italy, Greece, Scotland, Ireland... Boring tourist stuff. But still. History is important people! Take a train and zoom through as many countries as I can in Europe before I run out of money. Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Germany, Belgium, Netherlands all the way up to Denmark. Copenhagan maybe. Or Greece up to Bulgaria, Romania, Hungary, Slovakia, Poland. Sigh. Dreams. Well I'm not dreaming about traveling currently with the whole coronavirus (Covid-19) out there spreading throughout the world. I'm glad I don't have any overseas trips planned this year... So for now I'll stick with dreams of NYC, Niagara Falls, Canada, The Redwoods, other National Parks in all the states as soon as I learn of them... ....maybe avoid Washington state for now... This song describes my roommate perfectly. Another dream; to get rid of her. Maybe there's some ethics of kicking an unemployed person out the house and totally cruel to make her move back home with her parents, but maybe it'll get her butt in gear and stop being lazy and picky and just take whatever job she's offered and place she can find. Way too comfortable being jobless. "I'm in love [I live] with a girl I hate, She enjoys pointing out Every bad thing about me I'm in love [I live] with a critic and a skeptic A traitor, I'd trade her in a second She's a backseat driver, A drama provider, An instant update of the world She's a first class liar A constant forgetter (She's attractive, but bitter)" -She's a Lady : Forever the Sickest Kids ________________________________________________________________ I think this song applies to another person I know of also, but I don't know him very well. (attractive, but bitter) Valentines Day 2020 Said guy was at the gym doing more exercises and exerting way more energy than I normally see him do throughout the week. I figured it was because its VDay and there's no one to go home to or take out. I'm in the same boat. I know how he feels. Maybe feeling bummed. So on my way out, maybe it'll make him feel better about life, I wrote a quick note that says "I like your face" and put it on his car. (We've left the gym at the same time a few times so I knew which was his) A harmless little Valentine, if you will. His car hasn't been seen since that fateful day. He's still at gym. I see him there. But his car is no where to be found. Sooo... ? Did I take it too far? Or is he just super paranoid? A coincidence? It was supposed to be a flattering note. On a holiday. Not a stalker note. Randomly during the year. Maybe he's had stalking issues with other ppl at the gym before? (maybe he's so conceited he thinks its a stalker situation? Maybe he thinks every girl that flirts with him is a committment monster?) Maybe my note implied I knew where he parked, what he drove, what he looked like and I might know where he lives next? (And I thought girls analyzed things too much) Maybe his car died that day? Maybe he felt pinpointed when I could've wrote that note like 10 times and put it on 10 other cars and he'd never know? Its been a few weeks now and I think HE's the one taking this "Valentine" thing too far. Seriously. Did he get a new car? Park blocks away? Taking public transportation now? Is he suspecting everyone at the gym and giving everyone that talks him the evil eye? Does he have a list of suspects? Wow. He seems a bit touchy. But that only makes me want to push his buttons more.... I should feel bad. I should leave him alone. But it just makes me giggle so much.

Speaking of anniversaries... Feb 14 2013 - Feb 14 2020 It's been 7 years in this house I bought when I was 24 yrs old. I think I "own" 20% of the house now. After 7 years....man...you'd think I'd have paid off more on the mortgage by now.... (I suppose I spent my money travelling instead) Happy Valentines Day to mmeee. I had new carpet put into the house on 14th and signed my life away the day before. So I hadn't moved in yet and only one piece of furniture in the house, super tall, handmade, wood table. But the Seller/bank left the oven and microwave appliances, so I came home with a pizza and nothing to cut it with. I shared the pizza with the carpet installer. Poor guy. I just had the utilities set up that day so the place was freezing cold in the middle of winter so we cranked up the heat and all the heat went upstairs and he about died putting in carpet by the time he got up the stairs. Wait, How long does carpet last? I still had to get a fridge and washer/dryer. I had to replace the water heater a few years later. I hope I don't have to replace the furnace or A/C anytime soon. Yaaayy home ownership.... I bought me a house for Vday in 2013, I bought myself lasered eyes for my Bday 2013. And Vday 2015 I bought myself a car. My Bday in 2016 I went to Paris and stayed up in the Eiffel until my Bday was over. My Bday 2018 was the Hawaii trip, but I didn't get to go until June. Maybe my gifts to myself paint me as a little high maintenance. Screw it! I earned that money, saved it, and I deserve those gifts. I feel with house prices the way they are I'll never leave. I can't afford anything else on one income. The only way I got this house was because the U.S. was in a recession. The only reason I'd want to move is the whole HOA issue though. Never buy a place with an HOA. Never again. The condo is just the right size, place and price for me. I could do with some better neighbors tho... But that's always rolling the dice every time you move. I could do with a new roommate, scratch that, I'd be happier with no roommate, but I do like her money. I'd like a roommate with four legs. I like roommates that aren't so ...verbal. I think men and cats fit that category. _________________________________________________________________ "I'm so sick of running as fast as I can Wonderin' if I'd get there quicker if I was a man I would be complex I would be cool They'd say I played the field before I found someone to commit to And that would be okay For me to do Every conquest I had made Would make me more of a boss to you I'd be a fearless leader I'd be an alpha type When everyone believes ya What's that like? They'd say I hustled Put in the work They wouldn't shake their heads And question how much of this I deserve What I was wearing, if I was rude Could all be separated from my good ideas and power moves I'm so sick of running as fast as I can Wonderin' if I'd get there quicker if I was a man" -Taylor Swift : The Man

October / Columbus Day 2009 - 2019 My 10 year work anniversary for this office. I don't know how I feel about that.

If my birthdays haven't confirmed that I'm old, then watching my 18 yr old nephew graduate High School tells me I'm old. My baby is all grown up and graduating HS! "You're off to great places, Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, Get on your way!" "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go." -Dr. Seuss I like Dr. Seuss. "Oh, the places you'll go" book. I'm not sure how far that kid will actually get. He's the first in his family to graduate HS. So that's a start. And as far as physically leaving this state, he's travelled more/farther than his parents so far. So there is hope. "Your families are extremely proud of you. You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money." -Gary Bolding Everyone got him a card and money for graduation, basically. "So long as your desire to explore is greater than your desire to not screw up, you're on the right track." -Ed Helms

Our friendship was born of suffering and desperation, Trust and compassion. It grew in crisis and chaos, matured in curiosity and scholarship. Our life together has been peaceful simplicity, Death-defying. I’m not sure if the right word is friendship, or love I just know that it lives in me For as long as I live And, hopefully, longer

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low? Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh) You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong when I think I am weak You say I am held when I am falling short When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours And I believe (I), oh I believe (I) What You say of me (I) I believe The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh) You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong when I think I am weak And You say I am held when I am falling short When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours And I believe (I), oh I believe (I) What You say of me (I) Oh, I believe Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh) You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong when I think I am weak You say I am held when I am falling short When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours And I believe (I), oh I believe (I) What You say of me (I) I believe Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I) What You say of me (I) Oh I believe (oh)" -You Say : Lauren Daigle

"Oh girl, wash your face 'fore you come to the table Girl, know your place, be willing and able Take it on the chin, let the best man win Girl, shoulders back and stand up straight Girl, watch your mouth and watch your weight Mind your manners, smile for the camera And pose like a trophy on a shelf Dream for everyone but not yourself I've heard of God the Son and God the Father I'm still looking for a God for the daughters Girl don't be weak and don't be strong Say what you want just as long As you nod your head with your lipstick on And pose like a trophy on a shelf And dream for everyone but not yourself I've heard of God the Son and God the Father I'm just looking for a God for the daughters Wash the dishes, feed the kids and clean up all this mess Do my best, forgive myself and look good in this dress Damn I look good in this dress And pose like a trophy on a shelf I'll dream for everyone but not myself I've heard of God the Son and God the Father And damn I love my son, I love my father I'm just looking for a God for the daughters I'm just looking for a God for the daughters For the daughters I'm just looking for a God For the daughters For the daughters" -Little Big Town NO MORE "Boys will be boys" "What's the big deal?" "It's just the way he is" "He just has a temper" "But he's such a nice guy" "But he's got such a bright future" "Not my problem" "I'll say something the next time" "Why didn't she tell anyone?" "Why doesn't she just leave?" "I'm sure they'll work it out" "She seems fine to me" "Well, what was she wearing?" "He was drunk" "She was drunk" "She was asking for it" "She never said no" "We don't talk about that" "Not in this family" "Not on this team" "He didn't mean it" No more bystanding No more ignorance No more excuses nomore.org "I think what she meant to say is..." "Maybe you'd be better suited at this sport or job." "I need help with this project; go get your brother"

It's official. Office supplies like binder clips, rubber bands and paperclips no longer hold up my pants. I'm going to have to buy more clothes. Ugh. It's getting ridiculous, but I've been holding on for so long. 28 lbs lost. I'm like 81kg now. Everyone says "Yay! That must feel good." But I seem to dread it.... I'm getting closer to that size in my diary picture. And I remember how I was treated. I don't want to go back to that. When older men think I'm barely legal and slink up to me. When the younger kids think I'm just as young and dumb as they are and invite me to stupid things. When I get questioned about my legality/age everywhere I go. I've already gotten that so far and its only 28lbs! This isn't even mentioning the shallow reasons legit prospects are suddenly attracted to me. At least when I was fat I -knew- they were shallow and wouldn't talk to me for one reason. I'm too old for this shit. I don't want to go back. But then on the other hand I will always have the problem of finding a guy that would follow me to the end of the earth, fat or not, mean or nice, smart or dumb, etc. They don't care. They are just in love with me no matter what form I take and all they see is bliss, happiness, a nice, smart person, etc. And that annoys me too. I guess there is no winning here. So I might as well feel good about myself and be a healthy weight. Tad went into another "I love you" mode again like -right- after I got back from vacation. I was still motion sick from being on land again after the cruise and he kinda dove into this love confession. Needless to say I was not in the mood. I've been clear in my position on the matter since July 1 2017. I don't love him. This is the third time he's decided to change his mind about being "Just friends" with me (w/o me knowing) or had some weird miscommunication in his head (not by me) that thought I had changed my mind about being just friends. His overthinking and overreacting makes it hard to "fall in love" with him also. He carried his love confession late into the night and started again the next morning. I don't do mornings. I finally replied to his monologue, "I'm sorry. I can't keep doing this. I don't think we should see each other anymore." I had to 'break up' with him again. It's riduculous I have to say it like that cuz we were never together! As soon as I got off the boat he was there texting me invites to do all this stuff and offering to pick me up from the airport etc. He clearly missed me. On the other hand, I had no problem unplugging from the world for a week. I could feel he -really- wanted to pick me up when I got in, but I had already made plans. And I was -still- on vacation technically! I was busy! He didn't even know when I was coming back! But I could feel the invites getting more and more...desperate as he basically had my birthday already planned out, a month in advance, it started to get creepy and go downhill from there. That, sickness, and all the other adult stuff I was supposed to do when I got done with vacay, well, we can just say I lost my patience with the boy. I had asked my roommate to pick me up from the airport at midnight. I think I might regret that decision in the near future. But maybe not more than if I let the boy do it. The first thing she said was "You're lucky I'm such a good roommate. I almost didn't come because it was so late." Or something to that effect. (I didn't feel bad cuz I know she doesn't go to bed until 12:30-1am, she would have been up anyways. I go to bed before she does ALL the time) Then she went on about if it were during rush hour or a snow storm she would have charged me to come pick me up, etc. I thought with all the praise she was giving herself for being such a nice, good roommate/person that I wouldn't have to thank her 20 times to make her feel special. I think I was wrong. I only said it once. She's such a sweetheart. I'm so glad she's ...there for me and always...has my..back. She didn't offer to help me with my bags. She opened her car door for the luggage to go into, but that was it. For me, it was like 2am, just got off a 4.5 hour flight, motion sick, no clean clothes to wear and had to go to work in the next 6 hours or something. But I dragged my luggage like a zombie behind her. She had parked in the garage and had to pay to get out and I knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn't pay the measley $2 for her, even though she didn't have to park. Coming back from vacay was A LOT harder this time. Usually I'm content with going home as I'm usually done after 10 days, and I was content on the plane, until I landed. And all these people and their craziness and all these adult things to do and I just want to fly away again.

“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” - -Wayne Dyer "Your mind is a powerful thing. When you fill it with positive thoughts, your life will start to change.” -unknown “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” - Maya Angelou "Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” - Dalai Lama "Staying positive does not mean that things will turn out okay. Rather it is knowing that you will be okay no matter how things turn out.” -unknown "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” - Socrates "The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips." –Unknown "Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear." -George Addair "Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think, more talented than you know, and capable of more than you imagine." - Roy Bennett "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” -Nelson Mandela

I was renewing my drivers license today and saw the issue date of 01/25/2019 that would be on my new license and something struck me.....like I was trying to remember something important that happened on this day. All I could remember is that I think both the last two prophets have died in Jan, my Hinckly on a Jan 25 or 27? The other thing I remembered was my highschool boyfriends birthday. 01/25 The original reason for my pin number on my credit card. He turns 31 this year. Suddenly I remembered what his journal name was and looked up his last entry that talked about me. Right after my birthday in April. Apparently we took a ride, a last ride. That was like a decade ago. Totally weirding me out. The way he talked about me. After the breakup. And after all of the ugliness we had in 2006. sitdiary.net/skylinedrive "April 23rd, 2007 @ 12:00am I remember Feeling: fine A very strange thing happened yesterday. But strange as it was, it was nice, and I did not care if it seemed strange. I'm not exactly sure what to think about it. I mean, I broke up with her a year ago, and here I am going on some random car ride on an obscure day in April. But I didn't mind. I had almost forgotten, but not quite. What it's like to hold her hand. What it's like to sit side by side in the car with my arm around her. What it's like to kiss those perfect lips. What it's like to gently stoke her face and admire the beauty of such an angel. What it's like to have that content feeling when she lays in my lap, and all the world seems to fade away and the only thing that matters is me and her. What it's like to feel her warmth as she leans into me, and that scent that sparks so many pleasant memories. What it's like to draw her close to me and embrace her, her head on my chest and my arms tight around her. What it's like to take her in my arms and lovingly rock her back and forth, hoping that in some way she'll understand just how much I care about her. Seriously, what if..." Anyways, where ever you are and whatever you're doing.... I still think you're kind of a dick And I'd still love a chance to deck you in the face for the way you treated me But I prolly shouldn't. I would give the excuse we were just kids then. But I have a feeling those behaviors followed you into your marriage... Happy Birthday Derek