this relationship had the potential to be the most happiest perfect love i've ever had. i could imagine myself marrying him. he is a wonderful guy but i don't know if i can live a whole life wondering what else is going on i am sick of lies. i don't know if there is anything else going on. i don't want to not know i want something i can be sure of. i feel like i am just floating around hanging onto this one tiny thin thread of trust just clinging to it with everything i have. it hurts knowing that i can't trust the one person i want to share my whole life with :( i don't know if i can do it

i've been so caught up in my relationship with him, and we've come so far, that i forgot i was pretending! i forgot that i am a whole nother person that he doesn't even know. and then i realised that noone does. i'm so good at keeping my secrets that i forgot i had to many secrets to keep. i wish i never remembered D':

i don't think i want to be with him anymore. it's just not the same. the only times i find myself excited and happy to see him, he somehow just lets me down and i just figure it'd be easier if i was on my own. but i'm too scared to be now. i know how much it will hurt and i don't think i want to have to cope with it again. i don't want to be alone. and i don't want to be with anyone else, either. i don't want to start again, and build up all that trust with someone else, and let them learn about me and my billion flaws, all over again. i do love him. and everything he's done for me. and the way he loves me. what if i never find someone else as good? i need to get out of here, i need more money. two things i can't do with him around, and i know this because i've tried. and i think i just don't love him the same.. the things he does that i used to find sexy, i now just find cocky and offputting. i am so hungry but i am waiting so we can eat together. which was supposed to be now but it looks like it won't be for another hour or so. i am just so hungry :(

i wish i'd known these girls about five or six years ago. everything they say, and do, i can relate to completely. when i was that age i would've given everything to have a friend like that, that knew what i was going through. i felt so alone, and i know they do too. and i want to reach out to them and be friends with them and tell them i know what they are going through. but the fact is, i don't anymore. it's basically all a distant memory that i have flashbacks to, every now and again. the pain i feel now is nothing compared to then. i wnt them to know that it will all be okay, it finally does end. they will grow up and get out of it and be happy. i just hope they don't forget about these times now, 'cus even though all that shit is nothing i want anymore, its the only time things felt really. i don't think i will ever feel that strongly or deeply about anything again in my life.

i feel like life is offering me all these amazing oppurtunities and i am wasting them. i keep fucking it up. my teeth hurt and my belly hurts and it was all for nothing... i look the best that i have ever andprobably ever will look in my life. i honestly believe i could make something of myself but i can't seem to bring myself to get out of this stupid fucking town and this stupid fucking comfort zone i have buried myself deep deep deep inside and i say i am staying for him, and i am, because i honestly don't think i could leave him but if i wasn't.... would there just be another reason? i hope i don't regret this. oh man. i already do :( and i hope i don't accidentally kill myself in the process of fucking up my life hah. this is bad

97 calories and i am finding it hard to keep it down. oh god this is gtting worse

i know i've lost weight. i weigh less than i have since i was like 14. i am 21 years old and i have the body of a 14 yr old. i just worked out my bmi and i am fairly underweight. so why is it when i look in the mirror i feel fat :( i know i'm not anorexic or anything like that. pretty much all i do is work out when and what i can eat without every feeling hungry. i can't stand feeling hungry so i'm not about to starve myself. i know i have some kind of obsession or problem 'cus it's about all i can think about. i weigh myself 390248302984 times a day. i am maybe a little bit bulemic :/ but i hate pretty much all of my body. the skinnier i get the more faults i can see. what happns when my metabolism gives way and i put on lots of weight. i think i will die :( how do people cope. why does this affect my happiness so much. why isn't there an easier way?

i am so torn. i care about him so much. he's the only one i want in the whole world but i am far too selfish to make him happy i am too selfish to make anyone happy i want to be by myself. it makes me want to pull away and run away and not have anybody expecting things of me and relying on me. i want to do what i want when i want the desire is so huge that its starting to creep in on the time i spend with him i hope i don't run away from him it would just kill him i can't handle hurting him. i want him all to myself but i want to push him away at the same time. wtfffffffffff

whoah. monday 5th october = most amazing night of my life. i'm such a fuckhead for what i did, but i wouldn't take it back. for anything i wish i could see him again. i wish he would steal me away from this stupid town.

i think its unfair that he posts lyrics to her that he once posted to me and i read over them a thousand times and still every time i hear that song i think of him. and now they apply to her? whatever. love is shit i'm glad i have him. i just love him i wish i was more confident and had more self control and knew what i wanted.

i don't want my heart broken again :(:(:( fuckfuckfuck i don't want to hurt again i hate love.

there is nothing special or great about me i am not good at anything i am not even kind or honest, or all the good things i claim to be all i am is lucky, to have the amazing things i have and the amazing people and i take them for granted how do i keep him when i have nothing to offer. someone help :|

i should be jealous of you because you have all that i want but i'm not, i'm not because it's yours to lose, and mine to gain i'm sorry it took me so long to catch up but i finally made it i will make it.

i fucking hate food and how much i love it. mum and dad are home which means the house is full of bread and cakes and biscuits and chocolate again and ugh. i wish i was strong enough to live on coffee and cigarettes i am confused about this relationship and where its going. i am so very in love with him but it scares the shit out of me. i can feel myself pulling back to protect myself. i can't tell him how much i like him.. he sort of told me he loved me, on the phone one night, he whispered it before he hung up and i didn't know what to do.. what if i only imagined him saying it? so i didn't say anything so now i know he won't say it again til i do. what i should have said was "love you lots boy" really confidently and casually and then it wouldnt have been a big deal why is it a big deal? its never been a big deal in any of my other relationships. and we used to say it all the time, when we were just friends. but now its like we're both too scared so it feels like.. we are just friends that hang out all the time and have sex. there is none of that romantic "zomg i love you so much" and as lame as it is, thats really what i want. i want to be in love with someone that is in love with me. i wish i knew how he felt maybe i should ask.. but i am so scared. i can't get hurt again like last time :( but then sometimes, the way he looks at me, i'm sure he feels the same way. and he wants to see me as much as i want to see him, and the way he kisses me, and holds me. but he seems to be holding back too hm :( and last night, we had a huge conversation about the world and what we're on it for. and we both just came to the conclusion that we need to enjoy life as much as possible which brought up the topic of relationships, and how we are only young and he said, as we were driving home, "so what would you do if when we got back to my driveway, i said i wanted to break up with you because i'm only young and need to have fun. would you be more understanding, after that conversation?" and i said that i would have been understanding anyway, that i came to the same conclusions a long time ago. i know the kind of guy that he is, and lets just say it surprises me thats he's been in a relationship with me for 2 months but then i started to worry. and we got back to his driveway and there was this big silence then he gave me this lovely long kiss and got out. gklfjgkfdl

i want to get back to my tiny january self. i hate growing up. my body is trying to change, but god am i fighting it

so never thought i'd be in love with anyone but him. i still miss him sometimes, and think of him a fair bit. but totally letting go and boy, am i in love. /lame + scared :(

why the fuck do i like him so much he is the exact opposite of me he is everything i never wanted in a guy he is loud and obnoxious he's soso arrogant he says the most un-sensitive things at exactly the wrong times he tells his friends my personal stuff he doesn't like my music i pay for everything, i always drive he is best friends with his ex-girlfriend and he talks about her all the time he destroys everything in my house the majority of the people in this town don't like him my best friend doesn't like him my sister-in-law doesn't like him i can just imagine my family doesn't approve i've lost quite a few of my guy friends because i can't hang out with them as much there is every possibility that is he going to cheat on me, no matter how much i say i trust him. he's done it to other girls when i'm with him i feel like i need to be better to keep up. i know he doesn't want me to, but i feel like i need to change to be better for him this is all so much more trouble than its worth. but every time i'm with him, i can't stop smiling. he's so incredibly cute, and he makes me laugh. his family is lovely. he makes his bed every day, which is adorable. he is very clean and always smells so good. when i'm with him i feel soso safe, something i've never felt with any guy i've been with before. other girls are jealous of me, and it makes me feel good, which is silly i know but its still there. and when it comes down to it, i know i can trust him. i was upset the other night and i was being such a sook. and he asked me what was wrong but i wouldn't tell him and i was just being really immature and nasty. any other guy would have given up within five minutes, i'm sure. but he ditched his friends and layed with me for atleast half an hour asking me what was wrong. i felt so stupid telling him but he somehow managed to get me to tell him. and he was so sweet and gentle and explained everything to me, and he held me so tight and actually made me feel like everything was okay again. isn't that what every girl wants when they are upset? i love being with him, so much some times that i don't even know what to say. i love the way he looks at me with this kinda half-smile on his face and i'm like whaaat -_- and he goes "nothing. you're just pretty, girl." and he always picks me up and carries me places which is sometimes embarassing but really does make me feel very good. and he gives me the sweetest kisses and i honestly think i could kiss him forever and he is so fucking sexy khjkjhl this relationship makes no sense. to everyone from the outside, and to me. and maybe to him too, i don't know. i don't understand why he likes me. he has a billion girls after him that are way prettier and cooler and funner and more easy-going. i feel too boring for him. i am way too much hard work. i'm sure it won't take long for him to realise but god, i don't want him to leave me, as inevitable as it is. i think i am in love.

i am so tangled up in all of my lies i don't know who i am for trying to be someone else i am the worst kind of person and i'm going to lose him because of it but without it, i would never have had him in the first place i know he's not mine, not really, as much as i want him to be. he is someone elses and it's selfish of me to be stealing him away we won't work and its only a matter of time but i want him so bad, he makes me so happy.

SO. my goals for the next month not buy any more food... if i run out then i will just smoke mu hunger away. this is because i feel shit whenever i eat anything at all, and it's just too expensive. more important things to spend my money on. this does not include energy drinks. find a new job... save money.... make new friends.... actually do fun stuff. and maybe get my tongue pierced maybe... depends on the job thing. plus i'm gunna keep my house clean and my skin good and get enough sleep every night :] i have to make the most of this i need to start getting somewhere.....

I really think I love him but this could have been a mistake... Eeh..