i need to rethink some things. and get some shit in order. im falling in love with paula. its so fast. but i have NEVER EVER been so sure of any other girl i have ever dated before. i dont want to be with anyone else. ever. its weird. its like in moveis when pathetic dudes call their moms and are all like, "mom, i think i found the one!" thats me. except my mom doesnt like me anymore. me and my mom fight so fucking much. she says i hurt her everyday. and yet i dont know how that is possible cuz i see her may be 3 times a week. now. i love my mom. she means THE WORLD to me and yet she thinks i hate her now of something. but i dont. fuck i have too much clothes in the washer. its almost done too. paula is the only reason i get up in the morning these days. i cant wait to see her everyday. and i dont even get to see her everyday. makes me sick to think of the days i wont spend time with her. im so fucking hungry. i think its taco bell time. i love my fish. they are so cool. and getting SO big!!! :]]] ucsb. so i hate my classes. and my major. im so sick of fucking theories and shit like that. i would be an english major, but i dont like to read. i would just want to write. i though comm would be all about speeches and whatnot. but apparently not. apparently they hate me. and now i hate school even more than i did. i love being an athlete. it makes me feel so great everyday. except that is NOT working out right now. so, idk. fuck this. i want to just work, and buy a fucking boat, and live on that boat, and find a little lady that i love and who will love me for me, and then i want to have kids with her. and love those kids and not worry about money and not worry about school. its official. i love her. she cares so much about me. and just wants me around. and me to be happy. she made me the most wicked awesome bracelet the other day. i love it so much i could die. i want to share everything with this girl. shit i hope this post doesnt jynx it. im so tired. but i have to be up for a bit. and i have to read a 100 page book tonight. or i should anyway. itll get me ahead of the game as far as schoolwork is concerned. my coach said i am doing a good job at rowing and whatnot. i love being on the team. we practiced at the lake today and it was SICK. loved it. even though everyone on my boat was a tard and couldnt do anything to save their lives. oh well. taco bell time.

i mostly cleaned my room today. i had too much drama with girls today. courtney, natasha, and paula. well not paula, but her ex, so unintentional drama. courtney texts me and tells me she misses me today so i had to tell her i am dating someone. natasha texts me last night when im sleeping telling me that she messes up all her relationships and that im one of them. and paula tells me that her ex that shes still friends with [and im totally ok with this] tell her that he cant be friends anymore because he cant handle her dating someone. stupid shit. so im leaving right now. when the world series is in the the 8th inning. i just want to see her. she actually said she needed me tonight. why wouldnt i go? gatorade. thats g. i have so much shit to catch up on for school. i am gonna leave after the yankees bat the inning. my lumberjack costume last night was legit. but i got too tired too early and passed the fuck out at 9:30. i think it really bummed joie out but shes gonna be here next weekend so its ok. i have inventory next weekend. i am really sick of this shit. my work schedule has blown so hardcore because im just soooooo fucking busy at work. i want to build my boat. i want to move out. i want to graduate. i want to get married. i want to live. i want to breathe. i want to scream.

im so fucking down right now. im pissed because the yankees lost game one tonight. but im MORE pissed that cliff lee pitched such a good game that i will admit he deserved it. i want to be with her so bad. she knows how i feel and yet she doesnt do anything about it. i dont get it. but i do at the same time. so frustratingly horrible. the news is on my tv. fuck this im turning to adult swim. im fucking starving. all my mom ever cooks for dinner is chicken and rice because she thinks that is the only healthy thing one can cook. i have beer and ice cream at paula's house and i want it really bad. hungry hungry hungry i hit myself in the balls tonight while i was putting away my laundry. hurty so bad. i printed up the plans for my canoe. i am going to start building it soon. i cant wait til decemeber. it just wont happen. plus if i am going to steal the material from work i better do it soon. inventory is coming up so i think i will wait to get the material after we do our counts and shit cuz nobody will notice then. the plywood i need for the canoe is about 75 bucks a sheet, but its the best thing i can use. i am going to name my canoe either "el caballo de la muerte" [the horse of death, en espanol, just because its epic], "the rebel" [after my grandpas old boat], or "murmaider" [murmaid murder, inspired by metalocolypse]. ok one more midterm tomorrow. cant focus but i have to attempt to study before tomorrow morning. CREW TOMORROW WILL BE AMAZING. ive decided. im falling for her. peace.

i should be studying right now. really i have about 20 minutes before i have to put the hammer down and do 2 hours of studying for comm and 1-1/2 hours of study for religion. but lets be honest, im peter. im going to just get bored after 3 hours, go grab sandwich outta my truck and chill til class. idk why but im not worried about either of my midterms today. i havent READ or STUDIED ANYTHING!!! but it just hasnt gotten to me. last night i went to study and i got really stressed out because i found out that i might not be able to do crew anymore. between work, school, crew, and living in VTA... things are going to be impossible starting this winter unless things change. im going to propose that Hayward puts me on salary, takes me off the schedule, lets me keep benefits, and lets me work whenever i want. i want to do this. i want to keep my job. i love my customers and i love what i do. i LOVE crew. i cant think of myself NOT doing it now. i look forward to going to practice everyday. i have to lose weight for it. im too heavy to be on lightweight and not strong enough to be on heavy weight. which is NOT good. the cut off is 160. i usually weigh around 165 and right now i am right at 160. ive lost a lot of weight since i joined the team, but i havent built up my legs yet so i dont know if ill have to step it up to heavy weight team of not. but the fact is i LOVE it and i will do anything in my power to keep it a part of my life. i found free plans for a bomb ass 13 foot canoe. i am going to build it this winter. i still have to think of a name for it. ive got time though. im doing it for sure. so kiefer better come home so we can use it and fish in it. yea thats right. i want to take it to lake cachuma and fish. fuck yea! im falling in love with paula. im NOT there yet by any means. but shes sooooo fucking amazing. i found the person i want to be with most. i think. dudes that are REALLY buff at our age freak me out. study and pb and j time. peace.

people that i havent really had in my life enough recently or people that i miss: kiefer, jordan, jade, natasha, BRANDON, DYLAN, michael, majdi, my sister, my grandpa, and shane. im at paula's house right now. shes taking a shower because i fell asleep in her bed for about an hour because i felt sick from dinner and i sweated a bunch in her bed and she said it made her feel like she just got back from working out or something hahaha. oh well. i sweat a lot when i sleep... especially if i am sleeping to keep myself from vomiting at my girl's house. i want her to be my girlfriend already. but i know the timing isnt right. im gonna wait this one out and see what happens. today practice was so legit. we ran the stadium FOUR TIMES. all the stairs at UCSB. it was insane. last week we only did three and that was a challenge but this week was so much harder because i was tired right awsay. i felt so good after practice!!!! oh my god. i cannot explain how good it feels to be working out as hard as i am. after we ran the stadium, we did 22 straight minutes of ab workouts and then we did "fool rigatta" which is 5 squats, 5 jumps squats, then 10 & 10, then 15 & 15, then 10 & 10, then 5 & 5. and i am talking DEEP squats. after that 16 of us went on the field and played ultimate frisbee for about 45 minutes. SO GOOD. i mean i never thought id be working out as hard as i am in school and then doing activities for fun afterwards. i feel like a different person. i quit smoking cigarettes. i had my last one last night. honestly, it wasnt as good as i would have hoped but i gues i like it better that way because now i dont want another. last one was unsatisfying. oh well. im done. im not saying i am going to completely stop smoking everything, but me partaking in my pipe, hookah, and a little weed every now and then wont affect my athletic performance like cigarettes had been. i never even smoked that much and yet i fully could tell that it affected how i ran and stuff. god forbid i swam at all recently because i probably would have drown from not getting enough air. im getting in such good shape. my abs are starting to show, my chest is getting bigger, im gaining wieght. i love rowing. it is the best thing i have ever done with my life. i want to change my major. fuck communications. i want to start a family already. i was told the other day that i am the future of hayward lumber and that i basically will have a 6 figure position at the company waiting for me after i graduate. sweet. hello paying off my loans in six months. SWEET. i want a new truck. peace.

today me and paula were talking and she told me that she cares about me a lot. she feels like she has known me for a long time. and she said she sees herself falling in love with me easily. fuck im so IN LIKE with her. haha im supposed to be doing homework but im just read and go to bed. fuck typing up a paper tonight. ill do it tomorrow night but do all the prep i need to do for it. no worries. paula also is joining the girls rowing team. I LOVE THAT. i mean i am honestly a little bitter because ive been telling her to join since i met her, but one of her friends convinced her to join the girls team as a coxwain. so now well be able to spend even more time together. and when we have trips and stuff for crew we can be together. also it will curb any temptation with girls on the other team. surprisingly enough there are a lot of NOT BUTCH girls on the rowing team. i mean i havent met any girls on the team at all but you know. i need to poop. peace.

i think its funny that me, kiefer, and jordan are the only ones who use this and yet three of us address each other in our entries like the others would never EVER read them. well we do. anyway... it kills me to see what is going on between KSQ and JLA. its unbearably depressing to see jordan sad and see kiefer numb to shit. neither have it in their nature to do things alongs those lines. i should be finishing my essay right now. i am at the point where i am saying FUCK THIS! i worked on this shit periodically for the past two days and i am sick of it. all i have to do is my conclusion and my sources sited page. i think i wrote s pretty good paper though. ive been stayng in IV a lot lately. i have gotten really involved with paula. we ARE together, we just arent official or anything. i want to be though. i want her to be my girlfriend. but she still needs time to figure out what she wants. she knows we would work as a couple, she just wants to be sure tht i am not going to break her heart i guess??? she didnt acutally tell me why she needs time to think but i dont care. i want her. i like her a lot. shes next to me right now fully passed out in her bed and i should be with her but NOOOOO i have a stupid fucking essay to write. saw the sounds and foxy shazam! tonight at school. both bands played well. i would have liked to see them fight to drsth, but it just wasnt in the cards to happen. ok falling asleep. need to finish essay. peace

also. my beard is fucking legit long right now. so is my hair. and im quitting smoking.

so im sitting awake at 12:27am i should be asleep since i have to be up in 4 hours. i have to get my dada to work by 6 and then im gonna go to paula's apt to sleep until we have to go to class at 8. i still have homework to do though so i will be up until at least 1. did i mention ive been up since 4:30am this morning? and i worked out TWICE today. im getting in such great shape though. seriously. im already losing some of my belly chubbs and pretty soon my abulars will start to show. tomorrow night i am taking paula out to sushi somewhere on state st. well probably hit IV for a little bit after then go back to her apartment. date night. sweet. the yanks/angels series is supposed to start tomorrow. unfortunately its like 40 degrees in NYC so most likely the series will be postponed. im super bummed about this. i was very much looking forward to watching the yanks pummel the angels. adult swim has been distracting me too much these days. robot chicken tonight was all christmas stuff. between 2 episodes, they killed santa twice. homework then bed time. LATE

yesterday i spent the day at paula's house. it was bad cuz we skipped two classes to hang out with each other. but it was AWESOME because we spent the WHOLE day together. she super legit. today courtney texts me when i get home and goes, "your home early." first off i can forgive the bad grammar (yea, that was HER not ME) but who the fuck says that to people?! shes fucking retarded and im so sick of knowing her its not even funny. i have a bunch of reading do for school but im not sure if ill do it. im too busy. tonight i have to do homework so that im not swamped tomorrow night. ive been watching wayyyy too much adult swim these days. i cant help it though. i fucking love all the cartoons they have on there. they are all so sick its stupid. i want to move to SB. i want to be near more people i know.

things have been great these days. rowing is awesome. school is great. and i started seeing a girl from one of my classes. her name is paula. shes really fucking cool. and shes he first girl i have dated that i my age in SO long. fuck im sick of SAW movies. im really thinking about moving to santa barbara. im so done not having any friends in VTA. yea i have jordan, jade, and katie... but they are always just as busy as i am and thats it. i have many aquantences but no true pals. i told my dad today that i was thinking about moving to santa barbara and he asked me if i needed help packing. courtney is such an idiot. fuck, today i texted her to see whats up and she started trying to give me shit for not talking to her very often. its like, dude i told you i was gonna be busy all the time, now what dont you understand about that?!?!?! wtf?! are you a god damn retard or something?! im over that shit. i love metalocolypse. new fave show. i need to order it on DVD. plus the new season is awesome too. i need to do laundry. rowing in the lagoon tomorrow. peace.

rowing has been super legit these passed couple days. i keep getting compliments from the coaches. i dont think its because they feel like they have to either. i think its because they actually mean it. i hope anyhow. varsity team is chosen soon and im really shooting to make it on. ill have to work wayyyyyy harder but thats ok. itll be worth it. i met a girl at school. she kinda stalked me on facebook but then we started talking and she turned out to be really cool. i dont want to start dating this early in the school year though. thats a big deal. im essentially a total loner and to have someone at a time like this will royally fuck me over. plus i have to focus on school work which i have not been doing. but me and paula are going to attend a concert together. foxy shazam is coming to UCSB and i am sure as shit not gonna miss it. i may study abroad this summer in the UK. i think that it would be amazing and i should be able to afford it with my extra loan money and whatnot. ok so tired. have to poop. peace.

so is it true that girls hit you up on facebook and say theyve seen you around campus so you start to "talk"

i got all my software for my computer. photoshop cs4, lightroom, aperture, office 2008, iwork 2009, all the updates for garageband and whatnot. so my mac is dialed in. now i need an external harddrive. BAD. doug has like over 300 movies on his computer and hes gonna hook it up with all of em, them im gonna get the "apple TV" so i can hook my shit through my comp to my tv and watch movies and shows and shit. that should be badass, im super down with that. i want to get a ps3 real bad. not for the games but just for the blueray i dont know why. I LOVE XBOX 360. i cant go back on that. kiefer put too much work into making me love xbox. eeeeeeven though i wish he had of told me he was selling his cuz i would have wanted to buy some of his games off of him. oh well, he needed the money. ive been skating around school a lot. makes my left leg want to die. im waiting for naomi to get out of classs so me and her can chill. i have to take a shit. crew this morning was fucking INTENSE!!!! i have never worked out so hard. and that is saying something. i did pilates and had a personal trainer while in a play my senior year. i was working out constantly. and yet... this was harder. im gonna get so fucking ripped. then kiefer will come home and ill be like, "hey pal, why dont you wash your clothes over at my house?" and he'll be like, "why would i do that??" and ill be like, "CUZ MY ABS ARE LIKE FUCKING STEEL!!!!! WASH YOUR CLOTHES ON THEM!!!" itll happen. i forgot to charge my ipod again last night. fuckin aayyyyyyyyyeeeee. i cant get the grip on that. douche with boston hat, enter stage left. everyday i tell myself, bring your ipod, bring your ipod, but NO. i fucking forget it. idiot. fuck im tired. waking up at 4:30 really takes it out of you. nap time peace.

had a couple lonely nights at the big house on the hill. i be house sitting right now but the wierdest part is that 2 people are staying there whilst i sit this house in question (*just farted). they are from houston and they are nice but ugh they are totally harshin my gig! ive been wanting to have anyone over to the house but now i feel like i cant. llaaaaammmmeee. i wish kiefer shawn would come back to ventura. but i guess its best that he doesnt. him and jordan shouldnt be around each other too much. i guess. what do i know though. courtney went fucking crazy on me last night. she asked me if we could hang out and i said no because i will be busy. she goes "wow, REALLY??" and i go "YES FUCK OFF IF YOU DONT BELIEVE ME." then she went off. im like you started this. quit your bitchin and leave me alone. thank YOU very much. i want a jamba juice so bad right now but it doesnt open til 8 and thats right when my class starts. there is a coffee shop next to me, but i really am not a big fan of coffee because it forces me to poop too early in the day. im getting some of my books today and hopefully in the next couple days ill get some of that software from doug. ive been watching dexter everynight i fucking love that show. i wish i ould watch season 4. im falling asleep. later.

such a great couple of days. today i finally got a damn computer. its been long enough id say. macbook pro you make my life complete. i just read kiefer's most recent post. it makes me sad. legit SAD. i miss him. and i miss jordan. i miss brandon. i miss all four of us hangin out. jordan and kiefer all lovey and whatnot. brandon talking to one of his YOUNG girlfriends... and ME just really happy to be apart of something like that. i used to get really sad when they left me out of things. they have this strip of photobooth film with the three of them and even though i LOVE the pics of them, i wish i could have been there. or when they went to vegas and kiefer's car got stolen... i didnt even get invited to that. yeeea thanks. haha JORDAN AND KIEFER STOP BEING SO GOD DAMN STUBBORN AND WORKS THINGS OUT. BE PALS! SOMETHING!!!! the yankees are the AL east champs. whoot holla. i need to clean my fucking room bad ive just been too stoked on getting my computer to do anything. im tyoping on IT in my room right now!!!! courtney has been driving me insane. i cant stand to be around her but i still want to be pals with her. i know its fucked up but seriously its just how i feel. a man cannot help if he is not attracted to a girl. so go fuck a goat. i woke up on my floor this morning. and i worked my first sunday in 2 years today. it was ok. i went and talked to Doug after work. he gave me a bottle of whiskey for bringing him his plywood. super legit dude. hes also gonna hook me up with a bunch of software for my computer. plus he's 40 and were pals. its tight. im fucking thirtsy. i start house sitting tomorrow. and i need a bag for this computer so i can take it to school. and i need to configure my ipod to mac not pc. fuck. i love my grandpa. and my dad. and my mom and sister. and my friends.

i finally started school. yesterday i had 5 classes. i am only enrolled in one of them. i need at least 4 classes. i dont find out until around the end of next week to see if i get to take said classes. so many beautiful girls go to UCSB. i can probably bank on most of them being floozies but theyre just playing the hand they are dealt so i dont hold it against them... and i dont touch them. today i have 2 classes. im only in one of them. one starts at 8 and ive been here since 730 waiting. lame. i get to see my cousin from new york today. meghan. shes awesome. shes my cousin who buys one-way tickets to europe and stays there months at a time and simply stays in hostels and on peoples couches. shes such a free spirit and i admire her for that. Courtney is bugging the shit out of me. i want her completely gone from my life, but i dont as well. shes sweet and i like having her around but shes trying to force our friendship far to fast. i want to punch her sometimes. new computer next week. macbook pro. chicka chicka.

me and courtney broke up a few days ago. it was ok. like she understood. and we are on good terms we still talk and both wanna remain pals. last night i went to katie penquite's house. it was totally legit. me, her, kayla, and for part of the night alyssa and some other girl whose name escapes me all chilled and watched "DEEP IMPACT" and made fun of it the whole time. may be it was because i havent been chilling with too many people these days, or i just really was in a good mood, but i had an awesome time. we were laughing the entire time just talking about whatever. then i get home later and when i pull into my driveway im overcome with extreme rage when i see courtney talking to some dude outside her house. i dont know why it got to me so bad. shes not mine. i have no reason to get mad. we broke up, i got what i wanted and yet im still not ok with the outcome i guess. the whole fact that she has been really mature about the whole thing has made it even harder. its kind of bullshit that a person can be so mature about some things that she shouldnt be mature about but then in her everyday life she acts like a 6 year old. its stupid. we had our company picnic yesterday. i won a bocce ball set, a george forman grill and a foldable lawn chair. bocce set is legit. its a tournament set so it weighs like 500 lbs. no big deal. the guy who she was talking to turned out to be an old friend that she ran into. i dont see where... she never leaves her house. she said they just talked about me the whole time. i dont buy that though. not because im suspicious, but because it sounds dumb. im making myself a desk today out of a door and a block of alder. its gonna look sick.

still havent decided what to do. today we talked a little about stuff. she understands if i wanna break up. she said she just wants what i want. which is kind of a shitty thing to say cuz it just makes me feel like shit. but oh well. ill get over it. i need to get my passport if i cam to go to canada this winter. i want to go to new york. and see yankee stadium. and meet jorge posada and joba chamberlain. thatd be legit. i want a handlebar mustache. and i want to turn 21. not because i wanna drink and gamble and shit. really, thats not why. im fucking sick of being 20 already. i feel like once i am 21 i will have accomplished something even though its unavoidable. i ate a shitty day old sandwich today.

oh and... i was able to opt out of health insurance for school so i saved like 400$ a quarter. whoot whoot for more money to play with.