Well life ha been going downhill. Especially the past few days. Before I get into it, I would like to point out how I still have no motivation to go to school. Its not that I dislike OCC, its just that I don't understand why I need to learn this stuff. The only class I look forward to is spanish. I gets thats a major sign of what to do with my life. Anyway, Friday night I worked. It was pouring and I really didn't think they were going to have me work, but they did. I had one table the entire night and made a whole five dollars. Edgar sent me a text that day that he didn't want to talk to me anymore because it just makes him sad and he wanted to be happy. But the day before he said he had something important he wanted to talk to me about. So after work we went in my car and parked at te end of grant to talk. He wanted to know about his chance. I told him I didn't know when I would be able to give it to him. I guess thats when he decided he was going back to mexico on wednesday with crispin. I started crying. I didn't want him to leave but I had nothing to say. Eventually he left my car in the pouring rain and walked home. I just started crying harder. I decided to write him a note. It was an entire piece of notebook paper front and back. I basically told him how I felt and how important he was to me. He changed my life. I told him how amazing he was, too. He's smart, athletic, artistic, musical.. Then I explained the chance and how I don't want to give it to him now cause theres still feelings with me and Mario. I wanted to give him a chance when I knew he would be the only guy in my life. When I was done I drove over to his house to drop off the note. I walked up the stairs and the door was open. Him and all the guys in the house were sitting around a table. I threw the note in the door to him and left. I just drove around for about 45 minutes after that. Then Mario called me around 11:30. He was done with work. So i picked him up and drove to the parking lot by cvs where you can see the ocean. When I stopped the car, I just started crying. I reclined the seats like my car does all fancy and just laid there. Mario asked me what was wrong, but when I woudnt answer after a few times he knew to stop. He just laid down next to me and held me. There was some good kisses in there too. Before we left the lot, there was some serious talk. Sitting up now, I asked him why he started something with me. He knew it wouldn't work out. He had a family. He was fucking me over, cheating on his wife, and hurting his family for his daughter. I just kept going, saying that stuff to him. He couldn't answer. He knew I was right. It was 1am when i drove him to his car parked by the empty lot on grant. He just sat there and then said "it's all my fault." I told him it wasn't..I heard he had a family, i just chose not to believe it. It was partly my fault too. He went to get out of the car and then stopped and said give me a hug. He gave me a big hug and actually started crying. I never expected to see him cry. I felt that he truly cared. There was some truly passionate kisses there. They really meant something. He gave me his ring and said to think of him..it was his heart. He then gave me one more kiss, that was supposed to be our last kiss, and left. Sat. morning edgar sent me a text that he wanted to see me. At 2:15 I went to his house. He wanted to know how I changed his life. He said my letter meant a lot to him, but he couldnt believe it unless I could tell him how he changed my life. I couldn't think of anyway to say i, but he really did. I think I convinced him somehow thouhg. I hope he believes me. I ended up kissing him again. What if I do love him, and don't even realize it? After I left and went to work. It was a horrible day to waitress. I got so many horrible tips...like $2. And I wasn't being a bad waitress. I always admit when I am. I felt better to know everyone else was getting sucky tips that day too. After I was done, Mario said to wait around so we could go drink. While I waited I had some of arties hamburger pizza...it was cheese, onions, tomatos, no pzza sauce, pieces of burger, ketchup, and suprisingly good. When Mario was done he bought some modelo and we went to my car. He drove it to Juanitos house where we drank in my car. We talked for a good while, but after my first beer, I needed to pee SO bad. So I got out of the car, but for somereason i ended up going to the drivers side, opened the door, sat on marios lap and kissed him. I don't know why. Then I went between our cars, peed a marathon pee, and went back inside the car. It was all going good. Nice conversation, him picking songs on my ipod, and a few kisses. Then came time to go home. He got out, came to my side and opened my door. We started kissing. Then he reclined my seat and got on top of me. We started dry hmping, wich I enjoyed. I didn't think it would go any further because he knew I coudn't have sex the night before. I had my period. But then he started to unbutton his pants. Next thing i new, he was inside of me. I kept saying stop. I was afraid of what would happen with the tamponalready in there, and it felt wierd. He started going. I said stop the entire time. I was begging him and trying to push him off. He said he couldn't. Finally, when he was done, I told him to get all the beer cans and get out.He did. I gotin the drives side and was ready to go. He stood at the door, staring at me with this look. I told him to go away. I was going home. With the sad look, he eventually listened and went to his car. I sped home. 90mph over the bridge that night. oops. I saw him the next day at work but no eye contact was made. I did my best to ignore him. As I was leaving, he sent me a text saying sorry. I told him he wasnt. hes only sorry because I'm not talking to him. He doesn't care. If he did he would have listened to me and shown some respect. Since then, I haven't seen or heard from him. I'm not sure if I will until next summer, now. I probably will.. And Edgar is leaving. He isn't going to call me or write me or anything. He needs to forget me. And he isn't coming back next summer. So basically I'm losing him forever. I can't handle it. Even just getting a text message from him makes me cry, because I know I'm never going to get one again after wednesday. I just keep crying. Tomorrow I am going over after school to see him for the last time. Its going to be horrible. I'm not going to be able to even look at him without crying. I'm going to miss him. I can't put in words how much, or how I feel. I don't even know what I feel. Is this love? or a trick my mind is playing on me? or is this just an amazing friend I'm losing? I don't know. I just don't want this to be the end.