Isn't it something? Opening my long lost diary after all this time! I must admit, I'm impressed by my repressive memory and how it did not fail to remember, "me". I don't have much to say. When I was younger, there isn't much I wouldn't say on this site. Possibly because it was (and still is) the one "diary" that isn't overrated. Four years later, and I still have this immense feeling that I will always blog here. It's probably the best thing I ever did. I think, though, with maturity, I am apprehensive on what to divulge and what to retain. I trust this site though. Much more than anything else I've ever trusted. I think I've come a long way on my journey, and I'm still not "whole" in the sense that I have it all together. Far from it. I am, however, getting there. With that being said, this journal and any other journal I may choose to pursue will not be a bashing opportunity. It will be my way of growth and reflection versus the venting I've done in the past. I was an angry person then; I am a maturing young lady now. I love the journey I've been on; I'm definitely glad most of that was made on sitdiary.net. Off to check my secret diaries now- you didn't think this was my only, did you? No. This is just the first and one I am the most faithful toward; it holds a special place in my heart! Signed, Nyomi (How many times have I changed my signatures over the years? Lol. I love that too!)

oh Lord! Two years! lls. I feel her sorrow. I feel like she's a part of my soul. I miss her like I miss my own broken heart. She's broken my heart, so I guess I do miss my heart. If I'm honest, I love her and I know that she's my heart& soul. I know that what I did was the harshest thing I've ever done to her. I addressed every little thing she's ever done: the lies, the heart ache, the PROOF. And a few days later, her Gram passed. I can't believe that happened, but I could'nt have seen it coming. I know I can't take it back, but I wish I could talk to her and save her from herself. In all reality, she's the only one who can save herself from herself. The real disappointment is that she never loved me the way I thought... I wish her luck. I wish her the best... I just wish I could be there to see it. Even though I could never be a part of it again.. In actuality, I guess it's actually better for me. All she did was mentally and emotionally bruise me. I can't afford for that to affect the rest of my life. It's too valuable. agh. =

It's nothing but more stains On a concrete wall, And concrete doesn't feel pain Which fits me fine- cuhz I don't feel shit at all You were my kryptonite, But I've stopped being your Superwoman long ago My energy is reserved, and every ounce of it is taken From finding out your "Ms. Anonymous" long ago "Princess, Babygirl, Bestest-" she died. Don't visit the graveyard for her, either Visit Ms. Anonymous That was my fault, though.. "Birds of a feather.." Yeah, I take that blame I fell like you, Jay [Images] keep catching us up But I'm focused, back, I'm okay We played with that fire All the flames were pretty, until we saw all the shit burned Glanced around, and wasn't shit left .. better late than never, for a life lesson learned Took a minute, but you alright Lesson learned, lesson in point: If it is, let it be And he is what he is You`re bullshit. But "that bullshitter".. no, that's me.

It's all just so interesting. I mean, nothing in particular but..I'll site a few things: If there's someone you've fought so long and hard to get to, and it still doesn't work... I'm not saying give up, I'm just saying move on. If things never seem to get better, then maybe you're not trying to get them to become better. I know, for sure, when I used to write, and write well, it was BECAUSE I was always depressed.. and to be honest, I think I'd go there again if it meant my brain would work like it once did. If people are constantly trying to bring you down, stay down there and humble yourself. Bet they feel like asses, or at least you know you're closer to good karma/ God..whichever you believe more in. Personally, I'm chillin with God. And if, if you're just caught up in emotions, and can't get them out, and you feel overwhelmed by several things and it's all coming and rushing at you.. get it off your chest. Just let it out, and let it go free because all it's doing is hurting you in the end. And if it is- then, just let it be. --Thank God you re-opened keepsondreamin, Twin. I know that really made you happy. :-).

21:27:35) Diplomat J 15: um hi...... (21:28:16) Lesha: hi? (21:28:27) Diplomat J 15: can we talk (21:29:31) Lesha: about what? (21:29:47) Diplomat J 15: Us..... (21:30:08) Lesha: yuh..i guess (21:30:24) Diplomat J 15: hmmm i c (21:30:29) Diplomat J 15: well first off lemme ask you this (21:30:37) Lesha: ok (21:30:46) Diplomat J 15: do you even want to be with me honestly (21:31:22) Lesha: i do but ion think we're gonna be (21:31:52) Diplomat J 15: hmm yeah i figured you would say that (21:31:59) Diplomat J 15: well here is how i see it (21:32:07) Lesha: can i ask you a question though? (21:32:11) Diplomat J 15: i like you alot okay for real no lie about that (21:32:13) Diplomat J 15: okay (21:32:21) Lesha: why do you take shots at me like that? (21:32:54) Diplomat J 15: what do you mean (21:33:38) Lesha: "hmm yeah i figured you would say that" and then before that, "hmm i c" why are you bein sarcastic like i've done somethin wrong? (21:33:48) Lesha: matter of fact..not even like i did somethin (21:33:58) Lesha: you've been doin that for the past 2 or 3 days in general (21:34:07) Diplomat J 15: no i am just saying by all the signals your sending me (21:34:20) Diplomat J 15: i should expect a certain attitude from u (21:34:45) Lesha: a certain attitude? (21:34:53) Diplomat J 15: yeah (21:35:09) Lesha: yuh know..i only give people what they expect from me..i've heard that alot (21:35:19) Diplomat J 15: this whole cold shoulder thing (21:35:21) Lesha: so since you expect it..whatever (21:35:38) Diplomat J 15: i dont expect nothign from you except being the right girl (21:35:51) Diplomat J 15: and all so far you shown me is that you know how to hide things from me (21:36:20) Diplomat J 15: that you play all your feelings from me (21:36:29) Diplomat J 15: and right now thats kinda crud (21:36:41) Lesha: i hide things from you? (21:36:41) Diplomat J 15: cause i mean i would love to talk toyou about alot of things (21:36:46) Diplomat J 15: and gain trust (21:36:49) Lesha: how is that crud? (21:37:02) Diplomat J 15: when you hide your feelings thats crud (21:37:10) Diplomat J 15: but i mean thats howyou are thats how you are (21:37:47) Diplomat J 15: i am not gonna be mad at you for that (21:38:12) Lesha: yuh..sure yuh right (21:38:32) Diplomat J 15: i mean i was trying to talk to you cause you different from the girls at flowers and all (21:39:03) Diplomat J 15: but i mean if i make you uncomfortable and everything just say so so i can stop making things ackward for you (21:40:21) Diplomat J 15: and just let you do your thing okay (21:41:21) Lesha: actually..um.. can we talk about this tomorrow? i kinda do have something to say... (21:41:50) Lesha: and it's sort of due to everything that's happened since we've been around each other..but iono know..there's a little more to it than that (21:42:06) Diplomat J 15: mhmm i c (21:42:38) Diplomat J 15: well ill let you get back to your thing (21:42:50) Lesha: what thing? (21:42:53) Diplomat J 15: and i guess ill just talk to you tommorow (21:43:03) Diplomat J 15: whatever you were doing i suppose (21:43:10) Lesha: i mean..we can still talk but..im juss putting that out there now. (21:43:23) Diplomat J 15: hm okay (21:43:31) Lesha: WHY ARE YOU DOIN THAT? (21:43:33) Lesha: man ugh (21:43:42) Lesha: yuh know..whatever (21:43:55) Diplomat J 15: what (21:43:58) Diplomat J 15: what did i do no (21:43:59) Diplomat J 15: w (21:44:03) Diplomat J 15: see thing with you (21:44:09) Diplomat J 15: i am always the bad guy (21:44:15) Diplomat J 15: i mean dang (21:44:39) Diplomat J 15: i am always doing something wrong when it comes to you (21:44:41) Lesha: yes..because i wake up in the mornin and think, "how can i make kevin be an asshole today so that i can blame it on him?" (21:44:49) Lesha: yeah..that's my SOLE purpose in life (21:44:57) Diplomat J 15: okay no sarcasim (21:45:03) Diplomat J 15: now* (21:45:05) Diplomat J 15: okay (21:45:23) Lesha: oh..okay..so you've been sarcasm half the conversation and now im sarcastic and it's big? (21:45:37) Diplomat J 15: hmmm imma just shut up on what i really had to say cause apprently comming to talk tyou about it is out the question (21:45:41) Lesha: man..no winning (21:45:58) Diplomat J 15: ohh yeah i am preety sure there isnt (21:46:04) Lesha: SEE?! (21:46:06) Diplomat J 15: see what (21:46:10) Diplomat J 15: you said no winning (21:46:16) Diplomat J 15: i am just going with what you say (21:46:19) Lesha: "ohh yeah im pretty sure there isn't" (21:46:24) Lesha: Do you see?! (21:46:29) Diplomat J 15: yeah i c (21:46:34) Diplomat J 15: what you put first (21:46:37) Lesha: man (21:46:39) Lesha: whatever (21:46:44) Diplomat J 15: imma just shut up cause (21:46:44) Lesha: you know what? (21:46:52) Diplomat J 15: i see you dont care anymore (21:47:34) Diplomat J 15: and apprently me trying to work something out with you is hard cause you have such a thing out for me its redicoulous (21:47:42) Lesha: everything that happens is always twisted into me..i thought you were cheatin so now all of a sudden, nigguhs stalkin me to check up on me because SOMEONE then heard i was..THEN chicks whisperin in my ear about what YOU do but for some reason someone's whisperin in yours, too (21:48:30) Diplomat J 15: hmm well apprently those are prolly the same chicks that told my sister the nigga you was messing with (21:48:41) Diplomat J 15: i mean if i am cause such a problem just say so (21:48:52) Lesha: whoa..see (21:49:01) Diplomat J 15: i dont listen to what others say cause they aitn the person who i am trying to talk too (21:49:01) Lesha: "the nigga you was messin with" (21:49:03) Diplomat J 15: you are you (21:49:07) Lesha: that menas I AM (21:49:09) Diplomat J 15: no (21:49:14) Lesha: whatever (21:49:16) Diplomat J 15: thats what ive been told (21:49:23) Lesha: that's exactly what YOU said..which means that's how YOU feel (21:49:30) Lesha: which means..there was no question from jump (21:49:30) Diplomat J 15: see you taking it so UGH its rediculous (21:49:39) Lesha: so therefore..this conversation was inevitable (21:50:04) Diplomat J 15: OMG SEE IF YOU LOOK AND ACCTUALY HEARD WHAT I TOLD MY SISTER AND HER FRIENDS (21:50:12) Diplomat J 15: ABOUT YOU YOU WOULDNT ACT THIS WAY (21:50:15) Lesha: why? because im doin what YOU do to me on a everyday basis? (21:50:26) Diplomat J 15: APPRENTLY ME STICKING UP FOR YOUR ASS WAS THE WRONG THING (21:50:35) Diplomat J 15: HAHAHHA REALL FUNNNY (21:50:42) Diplomat J 15: I AITN DOIN SHYT OUT IN FLOWERS (21:51:00) Lesha: i guess it's a good thing you don't shyt where you eat (21:51:17) Diplomat J 15: AND I CARE LESS ABOUT WHO THE FUC WHISPERING SHYT IN YOUR EAR ABOUT STUFF HUH (21:51:24) Diplomat J 15: AND WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN (21:51:55) Diplomat J 15: IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU STICKING YOUR HAND OUT FOR A GIRL THAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT WILL JUST GET YOU MORE FUCKED UP (21:52:04) Lesha: OH REALLY? (21:52:06) Diplomat J 15: BECAUSE AT THE END (21:52:11) Diplomat J 15: SHE AITN GONNA BE ON YOUR SIDE (21:52:15) Diplomat J 15: OR GOT YOUR BACK (21:52:28) Diplomat J 15: SHE GONNA GO WITH WHAT OTHERS SAY REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU SAY (21:52:38) Diplomat J 15: I STUCK MY HAND OUT FOR YOU (21:52:49) Diplomat J 15: AND ALL YOU COULD DO WAS GIVE ME THE COLD SHOULDER (21:52:54) Diplomat J 15: ACT LIKE YOU DONT KNOW ME (21:52:59) Lesha: are you done typin big? cuz that's insinuatin you're yellin at me and i have somethin to say (21:53:04) Lesha: i'd hate to interrupt you (21:53:04) Diplomat J 15: JUST KEEP CALLING ME A CHeater (21:53:36) Diplomat J 15: what you gotta say huh plz i could only help and wonder what it is right now (21:53:57) Lesha: you're really gonna be sarcastic? (21:54:02) Diplomat J 15: i am not (21:54:04) Diplomat J 15: i wanna know (21:54:07) Lesha: you were (21:54:09) Lesha: but whatever (21:54:11) Diplomat J 15: no I AM NOT (21:54:21) Diplomat J 15: whatever yourself okay say what you got to say (21:55:46) Lesha: first..i'd like to say..im not goin with what other people say..i haven't yet. you told me to come and ask you, and I DID now what my gut tells me and what PEOPLE tell me are totally different things. but that's BESIDE the fact at hand..im not listenin to what other ppl say. i don't HAVE people tryin to find out who you're messin with because if you are..i believe in karma..it'll bite you in yuh ass..i don't gotta worry about it (21:56:10) Lesha: and anyways, if what people say about me don't matter, why you worried about stickin up for me? (21:56:10) Diplomat J 15: ohh REALLY (21:56:35) Diplomat J 15: YOU KNOW WHATS REALLY FUCKED up your freind was the one that told my sister i was fucking with you (21:56:38) Lesha: honestly..i don't care what they say...it's FUNNY (21:56:46) Diplomat J 15: and told her oh she a bopper this that (21:56:56) Diplomat J 15: i aitn ask my sister to jump in shyt (21:57:25) Diplomat J 15: i believe in that karma shyt to but you know it aitn gonna help nothing if i aitn doing nothig (21:57:28) Diplomat J 15: for real (21:57:38) Lesha: how am i a bopper? who have i opened MY motha fuckin legs up to? I WANNA KNOW! cuz i dont (21:57:38) Diplomat J 15: seems liek you letting everyone else just run you (21:57:50) Diplomat J 15: why dont you ask your friend okay (21:57:57) Diplomat J 15: iono tha deal with that (21:57:58) Lesha: and i wanna know what dick I EVER put in my mouth..cuhz i haven't put ONE in there..so that shyt's FUNNY (21:58:11) Lesha: cuz everybody that know me know i dont do shyt like that (21:58:11) Diplomat J 15: but do you see me ever treating you with disrespect no (21:58:15) Lesha: so i HOPE i dont look worried (21:58:35) Lesha: and i WISH that you would tell me who MY motha fuckin friends are cuz i don't have but 4 at flowers (21:58:38) Diplomat J 15: LOOK I DONT WANNA ARGUE WITH YOU OKAY (21:58:45) Lesha: all the rest of um nigguhs and bytches i chill with (21:58:47) Diplomat J 15: I SERIOUSLY DONT (21:59:17) Diplomat J 15: I NEVER MEANT FOR US TO EVEN WIND UP ON THIS ROAD (21:59:27) Lesha: ...hard to believe (21:59:46) Diplomat J 15: I MEAN DAMN THE WHOLE XANGA THING IF YOU HAD JUST ASK INSTEAD OF JUST ASSUME YOU KNOW NOTHING WE BE LIKE THIS FORE (21:59:52) Diplomat J 15: REAL* (22:00:13) Diplomat J 15: HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS THE SAME GIRL (22:00:42) Diplomat J 15: I BROUGHT CHICKEN SOUP TOO WHEN I GOT OFF WORK CAUSE I FELT YEAH SHE SOMEONE SPECIAL LEMME GO AHEAD AND DO HER A FAVOR (22:00:51) Lesha: yuh because it all comes down to what the fuck happened on xanga (22:00:59) Diplomat J 15: YOUR RIGHT (22:01:03) Lesha: that's BULLSHYT..this whole thing is NOT about that (22:01:04) Lesha: it's NOT (22:01:11) Diplomat J 15: OKAY (22:01:19) Lesha: juss cuz YOU think that..doesn't mean that's what it's about (22:01:23) Diplomat J 15: I TOLD YOU THE DEAL WITH XANGA (22:01:30) Lesha: cuz ever since i read that you know all ive been hearin out yuh mouth? (22:01:42) Diplomat J 15: YOU WANNA GO AHEAD AND JUST BE LIKE FUCK YOU NIGGA THIS THAT I AM LIKE OKAY (22:01:46) Lesha: how EVERYBODY ELSE seems to think IM a bopper and a roller, and how im messin with other nigguhs (22:02:04) Lesha: im not like that (22:02:12) Diplomat J 15: THE ONLY REASON I POSTED SHYT WAS TO MAKE MY EX JEALOUS WHICH I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT DOING ANYMORE (22:02:18) Diplomat J 15: DID I SAY YOU WERE NO (22:02:24) Lesha: im not juss gonna up and leave..even if we dont work out ima still be kool wit you (22:02:36) Diplomat J 15: YOU STILL PUTTING ALL THIS STUFF IN MY MOUTH (22:02:50) Diplomat J 15: I CARE ABOUT YOU ALOT BUT THE ATTITUDE NEEDS TO CHILL (22:02:52) Diplomat J 15: FOR REAL (22:03:11) Diplomat J 15: LIKE I UNDERSTAND NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT STILL (22:03:22) Diplomat J 15: YOU AITN GOTTA MAKE ME THE BAD GUY FOR REAL (22:03:46) Diplomat J 15: I AM SORRY YOU TOOK THE XANGA THE WRONG WAY BUT I MEAN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY ABOUT IT (22:03:52) Lesha: first...ima need you to stop typin like that cuz it's really gonna make me kirk (22:04:05) Diplomat J 15: ALL I CAN CAn really say is i am sorry okay (22:04:07) Lesha: it's really gonna send me over the edge in about 3 seconds (22:04:22) Diplomat J 15: .................. (22:04:51) Lesha: next..ima need you not to try and dictate my attitudes..if I feel a certain way..that's it. that's how i feel (22:05:02) Lesha: what am i sposed to act shady around you to make you feel better? (22:05:08) Lesha: that's a lie.. (22:05:15) Diplomat J 15: okay (22:05:16) Diplomat J 15: okay (22:05:18) Lesha: im not gonna mask somethin up juss to get on their good side (22:05:19) Lesha: that's stupid (22:05:21) Diplomat J 15: alright (22:05:24) Diplomat J 15: your right (22:05:32) Diplomat J 15: completely (22:05:36) Diplomat J 15: dont mask it all (22:05:55) Diplomat J 15: cause i already know (22:06:20) Diplomat J 15: and apprently i am not gonna ask you to do such a thing (22:06:31) Lesha: you (22:06:40) Lesha: *you're right..you didn't juss ask me (22:06:48) Lesha: you told me..and not once..but twice (22:07:22) Diplomat J 15: all i really wanted to say to you was sorry for all the misunderstanding and all and i would like for us to get on the point we were at before all this he say she say shyt (22:07:39) Diplomat J 15: well sorry for trying to be sincere (22:07:45) Diplomat J 15: i know you must not be use to that (22:07:59) Diplomat J 15: but thats how a guy will act when he is (22:08:00) Lesha: ...fuck you (22:08:03) Diplomat J 15: what (22:08:08) Diplomat J 15: you said it yourself (22:09:14) Diplomat J 15: that wasnt supposed to be taken as a diss lesha it was supposed to be taken as okay i am not like your last niggaz so when i say something i am really being sincere (22:09:20) Diplomat J 15: but i guess you dont care huh (22:09:28) Diplomat J 15: your just like fuck you now huh (22:09:40) Diplomat J 15: okay well sorry for trying to clear things up (22:09:42) Diplomat J 15: okay (22:09:50) Lesha: that's where you've been askin me to go for like 3 days straight so now that i say it..you're not that surprised (22:09:57) Lesha: cuz you've been sayin that's how i felt (22:10:05) Lesha: well, you were gonna push me til i felt that way huh? (22:10:10) Diplomat J 15: sorry for trying to get things str8 okay (22:10:12) Lesha: i mean, that's what you wanted right? (22:10:18) Lesha: huh? (22:10:21) Diplomat J 15: no thats not what i wanted (22:10:35) Diplomat J 15: cause apprently you dont understand the situation i am in (22:10:54) Lesha: i don't understand? IM THE SITUATION! (22:10:56) Diplomat J 15: so its obviously to much to expect where i am comming from with this (22:11:06) Diplomat J 15: your the situation ont the other side (22:11:21) Diplomat J 15: not the side who trying to clear things (22:12:15) Diplomat J 15: so imma just say what i trully feel and if tommorow you wanna treat me like jus any nigga okay (22:12:21) Diplomat J 15: ill leave it at that (22:12:22) Lesha: SEE? (22:12:27) Diplomat J 15: but if you dont wanna (22:12:31) Diplomat J 15: start over (22:12:35) Diplomat J 15: just take it slow (22:12:49) Lesha: you wanted me to say fuck you cuz you been sayin that i wanted to treat you juss like every otha nigga for a while (22:12:57) Lesha: yuh know...if that's really how you want me to treat you (22:12:59) Lesha: it's easy. (22:13:20) Diplomat J 15: get things str8 and talk throug certain things dont treat me like just a whatever nigga (22:13:29) Diplomat J 15: okay i am not doubting that one bit (22:13:32) Diplomat J 15: but right now (22:13:35) Lesha: cuhz for real..if i aint care, i wouldn't have opened my mouth. apparently, you like the quiet girls that do as you say anyway..so okay (22:13:35) Diplomat J 15: when i look at it (22:14:05) Diplomat J 15: OHH SO NOW YOU NOW YOU TELLING ME WHAT I LIKE AND ALL THAT (22:14:15) Diplomat J 15: SEE all that wasnt ever necessery (22:14:20) Lesha: ...if you think you are about to be frustrated now (22:14:27) Lesha: you bout to hate me (22:14:28) Diplomat J 15: whatever (22:14:38) Diplomat J 15: i am not gonna hate you one bit (22:15:00) Diplomat J 15: cause the i felt about you i couldnt even go there (22:15:28) Diplomat J 15: but if thats just your way of putting how you feel on me well sorry you feel that way (22:15:57) Diplomat J 15: point end is tommorow you can talk to me and try and talk this out or you can dis me and just say fuck you nigga i am out (22:16:05) Diplomat J 15: its yoru call but just remember this (22:17:01) Diplomat J 15: i stuck my head out when i barely knew you i gave you the benefit of the doubt about certain things i never even brought to your attention cause i felt you dont need to hear it (22:17:14) Diplomat J 15: okay so sorry for botherimg u (22:22:56) Diplomat J 15: so you dont got nothing to say to me do you? (22:23:11) Lesha: im on the phone. (22:23:31) Diplomat J 15: o well sry 4 interupting

You know we all mistakes And we’re all prone to failure See, the difference is, I create my sins now And pay for them later With the same hope that I have That things will get better I trust two bullets And a Nina Beretta My eyes have been scarred Worse than my fate I try to change day by day But the more I try, the more my mind seems to contemplate I mean, I wish everything was just as easy said As it was done But once you’re gone… Same ole routine and it’s not us two, it’s just one To clear my mind, I’m like you I write until the pain dies down Take two pills with water right before bed Only to have demons consume me once my head is down Just like I almost saw my nephew die It’s just like I didn’t see my Uncle give Just the same way my Great Grandfather is sleeping Exactly the way we won’t see my cousin Whitney live… It’s like no matter what we do No matter how much writing, how much drugs we intake We get an hour worth of real sleep Before the alarm “hell” makes us wake Gingerly tap me like I’m actually worthy Light these two blunts like we’re down to the last two dimes See the crack heads on the corner Who sold their body just to take one high in their prime Like it’s okay… it’s okay… Just close your eyes and envision Wake up to a new demon But your only concern is that you’re still living Aint it crazy? We all make mistakes I just don’t want to be the product of what failure creates… --Mass Havoc©

I tried. I DID THE BEST I EVER COULD. And that's all I ever wanted to say in my life. That I did the best I could. But what do you do when you did all you could, and there was nothing else you could do? How do you give up? How do I GIVE UP? Turn my back? All I EVER counted on in my ENTIRE life was to tell everyone, that I did my BEST..I did all I ever could..so now, I'm not trusting my own voice? But I did, because I never turned my back, I never left. I asked daily..what could I have done? I've never given up on anyone, because so many people have given up on me.. But I didn't give up, and now she has the nerve to say I DONT CARE? But..I did the best I could!

Well, I completely take back everything I said in the last entry. Stupid and rude of me. Little Saying: "My call wasn't to become a dentist or doctor; it was to become the determining factor." (Which goes hand in hand with: "I'm not a lover, I'm a fighter.") If you understand, that's really cool. If you don't...I feel really bad for you. =( -Leave some love, Loves!

One day I got a call A man had raped my fiance I didn't know what to do The shock barely let me see straight But anyways, I got the call And immediately dropped to my knees... She was in ICU So I begged God, "PLEASE DON'T TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!!" God answered," What? My son, do not be sad Why look at the wonderful life, this beautiful girl has led" I replied, " But my sweetheart, my wife, she hadn't even meant to be there!" "No, on the contrary," God said to me, "because she was going to see you It was only fate that she was riding When that man ran into her because he was drunk driving." So you see, she didn't actually get raped you see But a stranger did take away her identity Basically what I'm saying is: He involuntarily took away a piece of my life It just so happens, he took all of my wife.

And tell me, once I'm gone, can I close the door forever? Because I might be past that point of my life. ...if it's okay with you, I think I'll just disappear to you for a while.

You knew I'd finally go off for myself. Amazing. You seized to amaze me. -Truthfully, you deserved more than I could give because I wasn't whole myself. =And you're really lovely UNDERNEATH IT ALL...I love you.

Well, I like that song. The Little Things. If you ever have time, you should really listen to that song. Anyways, I needed to update this. Apparently I SUCK at updating this and I know because I remember I waited 2 months and everyone thought I was done with this diary. NEVER NEVER NEVER. I LOVE MY BABY TOO MUCH. Anyways, I'm done. Thought of the day: You're never too old to understand that you're still young.

So, this is a stupid little entry. -Wild horses are the most tamed of their kind. ::I've got a serious headache:: =Stupid people indulge me. It makes me wonder how people can be so stupid. Is that rude? Or mean?= *Quickies ALWAYS make attachments to someone* --Still a virgin, moron This is over..Good days, sirs and madame's.

Wow. Are me and Twin the only two people that saw the Sit meltdown about an hour ago? That trully sucked. It's been a while since Sit did that...I hope it never happens again. I guess I'll await Scott's comments and feelings on the main board. =.

I KNOW THAT FUCKER HAS HIS LITTLE BITCH ON THE PHONE! ergh..I need to calm down so I can get this all out, but no matter what, I'm going to have to explain stuff I don't feel like explaining. Basically, I'll take you to this morning where my dad goes into MY room to get my MOTHER'S lap top because my mother wanted me to hide it from his stupid reject ass. So then, of course, he goes into my closet this morning, and I'm like, what are you doing? and he goes, looking for my phone charger. I'm like, I have my charger RIGHT HERE..why would I take yours? Get out of my closet. And he goes, oh, well, yeah you're right. Anyways, when me and my mom go into the basement (which is like at least 9-12 hours since that morning) he goes into my room and gets the lap top and he writes my mom a note saying: If it's in this house and I want it, I'll find it. I just have respect enough not to break your things. (My mom accidentally broke something of his, that IRREPLACABLE) Note: I was going to replace it though. Yes, I do the un-thinkable. Anyways, I'm like pissed and confront him about whats missing, and he goes, I didn't go through your stuff, and I go YES YOU DID! And he lies, and then finally, goes, okay, yeah, I didn't go through it though, I knew exactly what I was doing and where to go. Going through is rummaging. I'm like FUCK THAT! You did something you had NO RIGHT and NO PERMISSION to do! Anyways, I'm like, fuck it. And he goes, I was disrespectful to HIM. So I'm like, fuck it. Then later he's trying to be my friend, and I'm like, fuck off. I just don't acknowledge him. I mean, I was acknowledging his presence but I wouldn't look at him or anything. Later, he gets me at around 12:45 and goes, well, look I just feel you were disrespecting me. I'm like YOU!! You fucking went through MY stuff, and I disrespected YOU??? And we go back and forth like we'd done earlier. Nothing new was said, and I go, look, this is so pointless. Apparently, neither one of us are budging on our opinions, so just let us both calm down. I'll talk to you when I'm ready. THIS FUCKIN TWO YEAR OLD GETS PISSED OFF AND goes, well you know what? I'm just going to call somebody that gives a DAMN about me. I go did I say I didn't care??? Anyways, then he comes around and upstairs and down on the phone with (who I think is his whore) and goes, yeah I just can't stand them being mad at me. Honestly, my daughter is just so mad, I've never seen her like this. Yeah, I figure you WOULDN'T since you've been TTDY! Oh, did I mention that you missed me finding your gun TWICE in my life? Did I mention how I overheard you threaten my mother's life TWICE in my life? Did I mention that I've never felt close to you until this year, and several times you betrayed me and I looked over it? Did I mention you really shouldn't call yourself a dad. You're a father. There's a difference. Whaaa Whaa: Tell your damn sob story to the little whore you cheated on my mom 7 years ago with. Bitch. Haha, no no, this is a NEW little whore. Yep. Fresh bitches for feeding!

My worse fear used to be, people wouldn't accept me for who I am. My worse fear now is that I can't stand the person that that fear has made me become. Have you ever been so scared, you don't want to talk. Instead you lock yourself in your room to cry for hours? Have you ever been so scared, that a person's touch made you jump? Not scared of them, but afraid that you can still feel. Have you ever been so afraid, you stopped looking people in the eye? Have you ever been so afraid of what you saw, once you saw right through a person that you cried for their lost souls? Have you ever felt my fear? Have you ever?

I'm not just empty though, I'm happy too. See, if you've ever heard India.Arie's song, I've listened to that and I'm trying to live by it. It's called The Truth and what she says is: If he ever left me, I wouldn't even be sad, no Cause there's a blessing in every lesson And I'm glad that I knew him at all And that meant so much to me..It's so true. There's a blessing inside of me letting Alex go. Yes, I love him, I always will. Unfortunately, I'm at a point in my life where I'll take his comfort, his will, and his life above and before my own. I'll put him first. I thought that's what love was. But that's wrong, because I'm killing myself for him, and he's not noticing. So, you know what? I'm looking for my own soul that I lost inside of finding him. And if I don't get it back, I'll know that I still grow inside of him, but that part of my soul is like acid and it'll eat me. Therefore, I don't need it. So I'll have to let it go.. -And I loved you --Sunshine Aloaryn

What happened to the: Love isn't always what you make it out to be? What happened to the: The greatest things are left unseen? What happened to the: If you don't look, it'll seek you? What happened to the: He'll fall if it's real right along with you? What happened to my mottos: Don't fall in love Whatever you do, Never want those sweet, innocent wedding doves? What happened to my: Pimps up, hoes down If that nigga don't like somethin; Why is that nigga still around? What happened to the sweet juiced up tips Of what I was doing, and who I'd just kiss? What happened to my adventures, That's how I met you; If I may venture If I could rewind time Guess, what I can't If I could un-do what I've done Young and foolish, just about having fun! If I could just not look your way Right off and on the first day If I could've turned around I wouldn't feel this down "FALLING" in love, is the worst drop you'll ever experience Because you never get back up You always just..stay like this..

Well, I started my book, for starters. Next: I met Chamillionaire and he's really cool. It's not my first time meeting him, it's just my first time knowing it was him. haha. Anyways, he's muh buddy, and I guess that's all I've got to say about that Alex didn't come out when I went to see him. Surprise. Went to church and that was pretty cool. Found out I have this undeniable connection with the book of Ecclesiastes; so that surprised me. Found out that my aunt had 3 abortions. We talked a lot and I got to know her and that made me pretty happy. I talked to her about EVERYTHING so now I'm pretty content with myself. Brandon and D'Andre won't quit calling so that's pretty annoying. Otherwise, I'm going to South Carolina to see my neices and I still have that trip to Florida coming, so that's cool. Later, Lesha.

I Fixed life so that It wasn't broken But I opened up my heart again For you to crush it And no matter how many times we go back n forth It's always just forgotten Because I'm always the one that hurts from your words You pay me no mind anymore So don't act like it's a surprise When I finally walk out the door Not like you're paying attention You're juss too cruel to be kind Behind all these tears A heart you'd find.. If you ever once looked If you ever once cared Honestly I forgot the last time you were there But I remember the first time I was there for you The first time I picked you up when something went terribly wrong The words came out so nice and perfect..they went I love you.