been a long time since i left an entry. i've been antisocial, summer is the only time i'm allowed to be and everyone wont get pissed at me last year i didnt even have a birthday party. sad, huh? apparently i'll just be able to get my permit cause they're chnaging the law . . . again. just being boring, being me. ttyl probably a lot later cause i haven't been good about updating but oh well. none will probably read this any how.

i'm so sick of people making fun of me and laugh snicker all that jazz. i can't stand it!! what did i ever do to them? grant it if i don't like you you'll know it all just ignore you and not even be civil. thats to to bad right? it wouldn't eveen bugg me at least if it was someone i snubbed regularly like that. but the people who do are just people who i don't even know enough to like or dislike so what did i do? nothing right, ah i suppose i'm making a big deal out of nothing. people have all ways made fun of me, nothing new. i'm prone to hurt, devot of happiness, i can't seem to cope, so i'm stuck without hope. sam's bugging me, wanna kill her for me?

general anxiety disorder, life just peachy isn't it really at the moment i'm kinda hyper today was alright me and my mom where joking for once surprizing huh. well im now sleeping with a boy, lol, holstein(after the cow not the writer, he looks like one) my kitty decided he was going to start sleeping in my bed. he's such a sweetheart, he looks like a siamese just the wrong coloring. not much else to say. things have been better lately, i'm try to be less anti-social but thats hard. i haven't cut in over two months. more later.

yay! mcas is finally over! well it was yesterday but i was to lazy to make a new entry. i tried to do good so that i could win a scholarship, i mean 4 years free tuition, pretty sweet deal. so i'm sitting in cad its so cold, in the fifties. for the past couple days it has been so im only semi-warm because i have on my jacket and my sweatshirt. rich is an idiot. lol, just thought i'd add that. hmm not much to say cept that i'm bored, but thats nothing new. guess i'll say adieu for i should finish my math, then do something in cad, 4th quarter paper i believe.

to the anonyomous commentor dont say stuff about people you don't know anything about. she happens to be one of my two best friends, the only people who really know me. some people think they do but don't. no one else really cares. dont call either of them a bitch cause there who i've got. i'm cynical, antisocialist and i dont make friends easily so when i really do they have to be great cause who else whould like a fool like me?

hullo!! so today's all arts day. its a pretty cool thing the only prob is that i have about three different classes which to go to it in. so im sitting in cad writing about nothing, so much better, huh? jess is here with me of course so were being boring together at least. everyone is playing this stupid game and killing each other around me. jessh! im doing pretty good overall, tho. just the fact that i figured out that my dad's trying to play me against my mom and that its an attenion thing. it pisses him off that she haves full custody but hes the one who gave it to her. she doesnt do it on purpose but she complains and whines about what he does! i can't help it, what do ya think i am? it pisses me off.

who r u? first, really i suppose my life isnt all bad i just in the bad stuff to here because its what i need to get out. then agian i try not to seem to bad, but is uppose im a bad judgement cause i dont want to be messed up so i hide it from myself. my mum wants me to go to a shrink so i guess im wrong, huh? then well sry bout the last. i tried to name it, fucked it up, dunce. so today was alright, dad brought me to the truck show in boston. walked and walked and walked. least i got out of math.

I fall to the ground Then I can’t seem to do anything right, I can’t seem to make things right, I can’t seem to be right. I hurt myself I hurt others, I hurt everywhere I turn, I hurt to talk and to cry, I hurt when all I need is comfort. I try, I try more, I try until I realize I can't change anything anyways, I try yet I go no where. All I am is this girl, This girl that no one see, No one sees her because she is invisible, She is invisible because no one cares. So fallen I have, Hurt I am, Invisible I am, Yet all of these I hate to be. could you comment on it not about me or how i'm wrong or any of that, on how it's written. i kno its suxy, but could ya?

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will break my heart

i don't understand why some people have fun making fun of other people. why do they single you out to laugh and whisper and hurt. what did i do to them, i never have even talked to them so why should i be the one that they do this to? i can't stand emtional pain. the one thing that really bugs me is when people laugh at me and whisper, pick fun at me, and try to pick a fight. I just don't understand. What did i ever do to them? I just don't understand.

today we had a relay for life meeting. I wasnt going to stay after because i didnt have a ride, but jess said i could go home with her. . .so i did. Horrible decision, Whenever jon and chris r together they are pain in the asses, most of the time i can deal with them. and i did but im quiet when they get to hyper, i suppose in compensation. i dont expect anything, and so jon askes me if im ok. yes of course, and if u read this jon im not mad at u. the thing that pissed me off is barry pick me up, first of all i dont want him touching me at all. i mean i pretty much hate him. later so i'm over jess's now and forgot else i wanted to write in the library(they were closing, so we had to leave). so i guess ill just kinda start from now. im not so pissed that i stay after of course cause me and jess always have fun, but it they just got on my nerves. like also there this janitor, he gave us food. yet i wasnt hungry and brandi, kim(who doesnt even know me), and jon are all like, eat your so skinny, blah, blah, blah. it bugs me because im not fat, but im not skinny. everyone worries about me how i do this or that. i dont want people to worry it annoys me. beside the fact that i dont think im worth it, but that doesnt matter. 10:30 at night later again wow, alot has happened today. some good, some bad. so i get home today after i went to jess's a little pissed i suppose, not cause of jess. really it was my mum cause we got talking, the first night ive talked to her without fighting in a week. we talked about this and that then my dad, and of course i can always feel good after yelling bout him, the jackass. well, i kinda stayed a little mad at him. i went on and was talking to jon, and he asked me bout today, i knew he would. i told him and hes like ur skinny. he listened really good, huh? so i kinda regreted say everything, of course. whenever i open my stupid mouth i fuck everything completely up. how can i be so stupid? i know this always happens and worse i got him all feeling down on himself. I did just a wonderful job conducting myself. I feel horrible now. Why can't i ever learn from my mistakes?

my head is so mudddled right now. it pounds and hurts just to be thinking, not wanting to be subjected to hurt nemore. i try to change and make it better, but i just cant. i hurt my friends and evrything, but i cant help it. i guess i kinda broke down tonight on jess and jon, i didnt mean to i just lost it. i hate myself and i'm sry for evrything i do and am. i was really really stupid. so i had brought a blade to the all-nighter, so what. i felt like i needed the comfort, i did. well, jess found out somehow, and yelled at me. jon had made me throw it away tho. then i spilt all this stuff bout myself, idiot. i hate that, i dont want people knowing more than they have to, he helped tho. so did jess after she got off her yelling at me how i was a psycho and could have been arrested, little extreme. ya? oh well, i really did fuck up tho. no one would have known if i hadnt popped a ballon with it. It was a nice one to exacto knife blade. i didnt use it, havent cut in like a month, i get down during winter. when spring comes i'll go another 8 months. well, nothing else to say, more later.

not much to say, but decided to write. i went to the sophmore all-nighter tho. i had fun for once in a long time, i suppose it was mainly because i decided i was going to. ive perfected the art of fake happiness, wonderful, huh? oh well. it seems that everyone went, jess, brandi, jon, kyle, mickylia(i so cant spell it), nate, all my friends epeople that i dont like but talk to newayz. i know so nice of me, lol. probably the only reason i do talk to them is cause ive been ditched so much i hate to myself, even when i dont want to talk to them. sad, huh? ive been doing pretty good lately, tho. cept i might have brought a blade to school, but i didnt use it. so that doesnt count. nothing else to add to my boring entry.

i stayed after school today took a quiz, but didnt feeling like doing anything else really. ive just been hanging out with jess and talked to jon and ben, thier real goofballs. ive nuttin to say but im bored. got a headache but its a least not a migraine. So i suppose ill leave now. i kno i have such boring pages.

see sam see sam cut see sam cut till she bleeds see sam cut till she bleeds and dies see sam dead later guess that wasn't the best entry, huh. oh well, thats what i felt like, it seems everyones pissed at me. i can seem to help it though. so here i am not sure what to write but just trying to make sense of some of it, but you cant really make sense of things that don't want to be and just wont. id like someone to talk to. to just be able to spell it all out, but if no one answers i understand. if youd let me talk and listen to you. you could leave a comment, thanks. by the way the top part, an asshole friend put it in my mind really nice, huh. oh well, just trying to hold on.

guess i haven't been on in a long long time but, i felt like i needed to write so here i am. i kinda figured somethings out; i never ever forgive myself, not even for the littlest things. i dont really do much with neone, im afraid that i will mess up and then where will i be? well i try and work with people but ive kinda been distant to people, kinda numb to the world. lately ive felt really lost, i just haven't known what to do. my mom wants me to go see a shrink, like thated help. ya right. i feel horrible, 'cause i got mad at jon and jess. well, i wasn't really mad, just i wanted to be left alone. i dunno i havent been me, so then people like jon and kyle. they haven't be teasing me, so i feel so removed. i kno its my fault, but i can't help it. im just really befuddled. i feel streched with no where to turn. i haven't been the best friend lately to neone. guess ill just continue to muddle thru it all, like usual.

well i fun yesterday had a couple glasses of wine, played risk, usual stuff we do every year. nothing much changes. ive been happy lately its almost a world record me happy still stuff lurking in the back but i can try and forget. really its kinda boring but hey guess boring is better then fucked up. depends on how u look at it. having fun talking to people tho, i guess thats what made things fun lately.

have had much to write bout still pissed at myself but hey thats ok happy that i dont have to go to school for a couple days and i get to see my uncle from cali which is cool been happy all day today but then again ive been talking to certian people which hey thats a plus cause its so much fun to dont have much to say and i guess thats pretty vague but oh well

i really messed up this time. oh well, i always do just when i think things are getting better. i cut, after 6 months of not i thought. id stopped but i dunno i had a new blade, and slipped up. im pissed at myself now, though. stupid me! well, that me, everything im made of stupidity. i dont know i was worse than most days today. jon kept on trying to cheer me up. i know its in good humor. usually i can deal with him, but i just wanted to be left alone. then i goofed up and his gonna be dissapointed in me like everyone else. i hate that, its my own fault, though. too bad but tomorrow ill have to hear about it.

i was reading this thing on cuttin and i guess im not so hyper nemore. i dont know what to do ive havent cut since march and i dont know i want but god its so awful. and almost all my friends do and i feel like i caused someone too and know im almost causing her to do other things and i hate that yet i can stop it cause its like with or without me shit i know my lifes not as messed up as some but it feels like it and im still not making sense i wish i could stop everything and hide away im good at that but not good enough i sick of everything shit fuck all the curses of of every curse book wow im so fricking lame screw it mabye i will just withdraw and hide and stop talking to everyone it stops the pain cause no one can hurt u if u arent there to be hurt