so basically. fuck everyone. http://feelxgoodxdrag.livejournal.com/ and that's so sad because i loved SITDIARY so fucking much. but the site never ever works on my computer :(

this fucking stupid site. it's not so many bugs. it was never this bad before. i tried to leave like, 312321 comments, and it wouldnt let me. FIX THIS?!!!!

i have everyone. and i want everyone to die. i was so happy this time a year ago. because of him. It hurts so fucking bad that i couldnt even keep a relationship together for longer than like, 2 months, when we have been friends for 3 years. and it sucks because i hate being this fucking annoying. and lonely and shit. gosh. my family sucks my sister is a bitch, and i never want to talk to her again. i didnt do a thing to her. and fucking she attacks me. i could have had her charged but im too fucking nice to do that. and it will eventually come back to me, and ill get blamed. so fuck you all. im really pissed off. so, yeah.

i hate everything. i haven't cried this much in so long. honestly, this whole weekend has been jam backed with tears. i wish i had someone to talk to. i don't. i haven't had anyone for a long time. i'm so fucking alone. so, i got a job interview on wednesday, which looks promising. but, i don't know. i feel like absolute shit. honestly. i could go into details, but i'll just start crying again. i want to move to edmonton now. i want to leave. i don't want to cry about the people here anymore. i don't want them to hurt me anymore. i wish i could change so many things. this sucks. my ocd and anxieties are at an all time high, and i have no one. i can't sleep. i can't do anything. and i'm sick of prozac. i can't be on drugs my whole life. so why bother. this morning, i fell down in the middle of the fucking road and now my knee kills. don't ask me what i was doing there. then i sat on the side walk and cried. at like, 6 in the morning. and i planned to kill myself. i was going to set it all out. i was so fucking sad. i act as if i don't cut myself because i learned no to. i act like it's because i'm strong enough not to, but that's a fucking lie. and i'm not really sure who i'm lying too about it. i hope no one reads this. everything is hopeless. and i am so alone

i have to end this bullshit. i'm sick of being ditched. and hurt. and letting people do it to me. it's over. i just have to plan it out. i just have to get the strength. i hope you all feel so fucking guilty, it's your fucking fault.

So my weekend in one word. ‘disappointment’ It was a bore, other than getting really fucking high on Saturday, and Sunday. Kevin didn’t call me, like previously promised. And Halifax sucked. The guys were huge assholes. All their shirts were for skinny people, and just being there made me feel incredibly fat. However. Halifax sounded really good. And I was at the front, and I sang into the microphone. So, that was Sunday. Saturday, was a okay. I got a from first to last shirt that I’m sharing with my sister. And some spikes for my bites. I got really high with my sister in the backyard, and I felt pretty awesome. We played boggle. And wow. My mom knew. She probably hates me. I miss my brother. I havent seen him in too long. It’s not fair. Gah. Since last Thursday. So, it’s 3 30 am. I’m still up, obviously. Hmm. I should finish my novel. But I just, feel so uninspired. I’m hoping I can write better now, that I’m off prozac. I mean, I got a diary since then, so things are looking up in that regard. I went to see INXS with my dad tonight. It was really fun. I hope my dad had fun. He says he did. He deserves it. I am a total bitch to him most times. He seemed to have fun. It was a really good concert. They played for a good hour and a half. And my dad got a shirt. The guy I’ve been missing, well, he msged me, and we’re talking again. We’ll see how long it lasts. Friday I went to Rick’s to put cornrows in his hair. The problem being I have no idea how to french braid hair, let alone cornrow someone’s hair. So we ended up, deciding it was futile, and just watching house of 1000 corpses. I like rick, he’s cute. But he’s 20. too old for me. Plus I heard a lot of stuff about him, and how he cheats on girls and fucks and runs. But he really really doesn’t seem like he’s that type. Oh well. I babysat today, I made 10 bucks, but I spent it on parking at INXS. I mean, my dad paid for a lot. It was the least I could do. What else… Tomorrow jennifer is suppose to be calling :( I shouldn’t have emailed her back. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t know what I want. Ahh. :( Thursday is DBT starting over. I feel like an idiot. And it’s family therapy. I hate my life.

well. this morning is crappy. it hurts to keep all these tears in. physically. it hurts my throat. i'm putting myself through torture sitting here, listening to elliot smith over and over again. i stayed up all night again. now i'm hurting. today shall suck. but i'll try to be positive and say, "today won't suck..that bad" gah. why do people keep leaving me? jeez. i don't know what i'm suppose to do. stop it. stop it. stop it. stop it. i'll write some more in this entry later.

so yes. kevin was dull. so, that sucks. blah. i dont think i'm going to find anyone. i'm such a loooser. this blows. this has been a total bust. i feel like crap. i got an email from jennifer today. she wants me to go thru dbt all over again. i already sat thru that fucking shit. why should i go back. i don't cut anymore. what else do these people want?! i want to do this on my own. i was fine for 16 fucking years. and things got worse. i'm out of school now. i'm way worse. and i think it can be mind over matter. if i'm not diagnosed then there's no problem. just a secret i have. just some weird habits of mine that no one has to know about. so why cant everyone just fuck off. i like my life right now. some people might think it's self destructive but this is the way i want to live. i like staying up all night by myself. and sleeping all day. not having to deal with this stupid life. these stupid people. i just don't know what i'm doing. and i have the summer to figure it out. this weekend is going to be really bad. i can just feel it. i'm going to be alone for all of it. and it sucks. today is friday. good for it. there's nothing to do. gahh. i fucking hate my life. i hate it. Elliot Smith makes me cry. it reminds me of him. i miss him. i'm so fucking sad. and no one even notices. :( rock off... <333

Suck you in. feel the nice burn of the smoke. Hold you in. deep in my chest, like it’s the last thing I’ll do. Blow you out, before you hurt me. You’re like an addiction Yet, you’re the best feeling I’ve had in a while.

so, it's official. i'm going to see dashboard confessional and say anything in july. and oh my god. i'm so fucking excited. it's crazy. it's 4 am. and i definately just spent 3 hours on the phone with kevin. we're hanging out tomorrow. probably watch movies and all that jazz. i hope thing works out. gahh. then he's coming to the show on sunday and he said he'd pay?! i don't know. gah. why are guys so confusing? speaking of confusing, that's what my life is as of today. jennifer called, and i didnt answer it. i'm stupid. she's supposedly sending me an email tomorrow, or this morning i guess. it's thursday. i've done nothing this week. i've been staying up all night, and sleeping all day. and pretending i'm okay. My anixety was so bad on sunday. huge fights. and a hospital visit. it wasn't a good day. waste of a night if you ask me. i added jeremy back. don't ask me why. i just was in need of stuff. he's alot different. i don't think i like it. i'm going to delete him again. i deleted rick. who i went on a date with like 2 weeks ago, and what happens, this always happens, as soon as i delete him, he starts talking to me. so we played chess, and pool, and solitare. it was corny. plus he wants me to do cornrows in his hair, which i have NO idea how to do, i'm an emo kid for christ sakes. anyway. i hate talking about other people on this diary. it sucks. lol. but if i talk about me too much, then i feel weird. lol. my throat hurts. it's taken a beating. i've been smoking weed, sooo much lately. i like it so much. ahhh. lol. anyways, new subject. i havent written an entry in a while. no inspiration to write i guess. i dont know what caused this sudden burst. i feel so super bad about school. i hate myself. i hate myself. why do i fuck things up so god damn bad. fuck me. god. i hate it. i'm nothing nothing. good for nothing. gah. and i cried so much this morning. i dont know why. i couldnt stop. i just cried and cried. i hate myself. -♥- rockk off..

so, today was by far, the worst day in a while. i've havent cried that much in ages. everything just went to shit about today. i got blown off by ryan. then things with cory didnt pan out because i'm a jerk. then god. i went to the embassy, after my sister promised she'd go, she blew me off too, and i waited for an hour, alone. Finally he shows up, but i was waiting for my dad anyways. so it didnt matter. i saw him for 20 minutes. his gf was there, and i realized, he's not that great. i can do so much better than a cheater. jesus, i hope so. so anyways, i'm off my pills, maybe that's why my life feel so god damn shitty right now. i'm outta pills. i'm outta school. i'm outta my mind. and it sucks. so i'm not sure what the fuck i'm doing. my life is just one big fuck up. ahhh. this blows. so in conclusion. i suck. --------------- ♥

He was just so perfectly Imperfect

so i feel like shit. do i ever feel any different? lol. jeez. today was not a good day. i'm so sick of this. i have absoulutly nothing. i have no friends anymore. no one calls me. nothing to do. nothing. nothing. that's all i fucking am now. no point in living. i've stopped cutting i don't know why though, considering i deserve to be bleed. i deserve to fucking hurt. i just want to be numb. i want everything to be over. i want my life to just, make sense. i'm sick of being so unsure of everything. i'm sick of not knowing why i act the way i do. i'm sick of being that one fucking person who brings a rain cloud where ever they go. i'm fucking sick of it, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't know how to change it. i don't have anyone to talk to. my friends are always busy. i used to always know who i'd call if i needed someone. i used to know who would answer and calm me down when i was crying. i don't anymore. i have no one. not one fucking person, and it blows. i probably lost my hamster. i was a big cunt today. i don't deserve a hamster anyways. i have to figure something out. i have to change something. i'm not sure what yet. i just know i can't handle living this way anymore. ♥

it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. i deserve better. don't i?

so my throat is definately killing me. i dont know what i did to it. i fell asleep on the couch last night, and i woke up in severe PAIN. it hurt. i'm gunna get a fucking hamster. it's going to be a boy, and i'm going to name him chubby. then i'm going to mate him with ashlee's hamster. it's going to be amazing pretty much. i had a shower today. blah. i hate showers. only because my bathroom is such a mess and because being naked isnt something i enjoy. tonight i want to go to the pet store or something. i don't know. i won't end up going. i'm just really bored. so steph's sneaking around, sending luke money behind everyone's back, pretending as if she's not. she's such a fucking idiot something. i just want to slap some sense into her. My dad flipped out at me last night. and caused my sister to have a panic attack. i was so mad. i just starting hitting him. then my sister ended up fainting. ugh. i hate drama. but he apologized and all that jazz. stuff sucks. and thnx ppl for giving me those sites for the codes. i'll write more later. ..Rock Off.. ♥

please help me find codes for sitdiary. i cant find any thing anywhere :(

so i don't feel that great. it's almost 2 in the morning. this sucks. worrying never got anyone anywhere. yet it tends to consume my stupid little melodramatic life. i hate being this broken. and i dont mean broken in the emo sense of the word, i mean actually broken. like something in my head doesn't work right. i'm sure of it. i'm such a stupid idiot. why can't i get anything at all right. why can't things just work out. and there's this stupid boy who's annoying the piss out of me. he doesnt want to talk to me, but leaves my picture on his vf profile? ugh. i feel like shit. and i don't know what to do. i'm in alot of pain both physically and mentally and emotionally. it's like i can't get a break. the only time i feel happy is when i dont have to think about school, or jennifer, or money, or boys. and that's not too often. i called ryan today. he always makes me laugh. every single time i talk to him. he makes me feel normal, and worth something, even though we're just friends. [obviously] if he lived closer, i think we could work as a couple, but he doesnt. so there's no point in obsessing. Giselle says i'll find someone, but that's oh so easy for her or for anyone to say, considering they aren't exactly privy to how worthless and ugly i actually am. plus giselle has found her "soulmate" i hate love stories. sleeping sucks now. at least going to sleep. laying there in the dark, left with nothing but my stupid thoughts and dreams. i hate it. all i think about is having someone. and that's so pathetic. i didnt know exactly how lonely my life was, until ryan gave me a taste of being with someone. i just wih this whole life thing had a manual. i would memorize the "what to do to keep from being lonely" chapter. oh and the "how to not be crazy" chapter. after taste of chaos, there was this drunk 28 year old in the mall. he called me pretty and gave me his number, and that's about the only time anyone has ever taken interest in me ever. and he was fucking drunk. so that's great. since my last diary, i met this guy named jeremy, he's out of my life now, but for the 4 months he was in my life, he made me feel beautiful. he told me he loved me. he told me i was his future wife. he told me i was perfect how i was and that i was drop dead gorgeous without the slightest bit of makeup. he talked me out of my inhibitions and i'm sure if he had lived in london, he would have easily talked me out of my virginity. i would have done anything for that boy. of course, things fell apart. he was sick of being lonely since we lived 3 hours away from each other. he found a girlfriend, and i deleted him. and got a new email. so anyways. i'm really worried about tomorrow. jennifer is coming maybe. most likely. ugh i hate it. she's going to ask why i havent been going to school, and i won't have an answer. ..rock off.. ♥

you make me feel so attractive with you sweaty body ontop of me. you make me feel so trashy with your hand up my shirt. i never ever said i cared. and you never ever asked. your tongue was so eager to play with mine The some tongue that tells lies so easily. feel my heartbeat. love me. you fucking whore. i'm using you as much as you are using me. can't you tell that i don't give a fuck about you. cigarette breath. cocky smile. you think you are such a prize. but i'm just bored. and you're just there. i look up into your brown eyes. acting so innocent. knowing i'll rip open your heart before you get to mine. feel my heartbeat. love me. you fucking whore. i'm using you as much as you are using me. can't you tell that i don't give a fuck. so baby, touch me while you still can. you're almost as guilable as i used to be. if only you knew the things i want to do to you. you would have never gotten involved. --s.m ♥

and i've never felt this much anger toward anyone in my life. i've never wanted to slap someone as much as i want to hit you. never wanted to scream so loud in someone's face as i do when i'm with you. i've never loved someone as much as i love you. i've never kissed someone as much as i kissed you that one night. and i've never felt so empty when i'm with someone as you make me feel, even when you're only in my dreams. never cried as much over someone as i cry over you. i've never smiled so much as when i'm with you. i've never wanted to die as much as i fucking want to whenever you're not around. you mean so much and yet so little. i just wish i never met you. then i'd never know how bad it feels to love someone as much as i love you. --s.m ♥