so i don't feel that great. it's almost 2 in the morning. this sucks. worrying never got anyone anywhere. yet it tends to consume my stupid little melodramatic life. i hate being this broken. and i dont mean broken in the emo sense of the word, i mean actually broken. like something in my head doesn't work right. i'm sure of it. i'm such a stupid idiot. why can't i get anything at all right. why can't things just work out. and there's this stupid boy who's annoying the piss out of me. he doesnt want to talk to me, but leaves my picture on his vf profile? ugh. i feel like shit. and i don't know what to do. i'm in alot of pain both physically and mentally and emotionally. it's like i can't get a break. the only time i feel happy is when i dont have to think about school, or jennifer, or money, or boys. and that's not too often. i called ryan today. he always makes me laugh. every single time i talk to him. he makes me feel normal, and worth something, even though we're just friends. [obviously] if he lived closer, i think we could work as a couple, but he doesnt. so there's no point in obsessing. Giselle says i'll find someone, but that's oh so easy for her or for anyone to say, considering they aren't exactly privy to how worthless and ugly i actually am. plus giselle has found her "soulmate" i hate love stories. sleeping sucks now. at least going to sleep. laying there in the dark, left with nothing but my stupid thoughts and dreams. i hate it. all i think about is having someone. and that's so pathetic. i didnt know exactly how lonely my life was, until ryan gave me a taste of being with someone. i just wih this whole life thing had a manual. i would memorize the "what to do to keep from being lonely" chapter. oh and the "how to not be crazy" chapter. after taste of chaos, there was this drunk 28 year old in the mall. he called me pretty and gave me his number, and that's about the only time anyone has ever taken interest in me ever. and he was fucking drunk. so that's great. since my last diary, i met this guy named jeremy, he's out of my life now, but for the 4 months he was in my life, he made me feel beautiful. he told me he loved me. he told me i was his future wife. he told me i was perfect how i was and that i was drop dead gorgeous without the slightest bit of makeup. he talked me out of my inhibitions and i'm sure if he had lived in london, he would have easily talked me out of my virginity. i would have done anything for that boy. of course, things fell apart. he was sick of being lonely since we lived 3 hours away from each other. he found a girlfriend, and i deleted him. and got a new email. so anyways. i'm really worried about tomorrow. jennifer is coming maybe. most likely. ugh i hate it. she's going to ask why i havent been going to school, and i won't have an answer. ..rock off.. ♥