the meeting for work sucked. enough said about that. the plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 9am nicole is going to pick me up and we are going to cash our checks and pay our bills. then we will go to her house and chill in her neighbors pool until 130pm, shower, get all snazzy, then go for a strool in pittsburgh. were gonna stop at the new mall and window shop because we have NO money. then we are going to go see dukes of hazzard because we both LOVE jessica simpson [and jonny knoxville and sean william scott are s-e-x-a-y]. it pisses me off that whenever i go somewhere i leave dustin a cute little note. something that says where im going when ill be back and something sweet to brighten his day. i get jack shit from him. he used to be such a romantic guy tuned into his womans emotions. but i guess were in that stage of the relationship where im not supposed to need romance and hot seducing. just wam bam thank you mam and g'night. i begin school november 7th [thats if i can pay for it]. im scared. ive been out of school for a year now and i can totally tell ive gone DUMB[er]. i have a feeling i am going to be the joke in this school. the girl that gets picked on because she has logic common sense or quick wit. i hate my mom. i cant move until i get my inspection sticker which i needed back in june. she was supposed to have already sent it and she hasnt. she never fails to disapoint me. and i know im all for second chances...but this woman is on chance 100,000. ive lost my patience and faith. im still trying to raise her and i should be done with that. i guess its because i fear the impact on danny. i dont want him to ever feel the way i did growing up [and still do], but deep down inside i know its too late for that. i wish life could have been better at least for him. he had to grow up soo fast in such little time. what a waste of a childhood. i hate it but i do blame her for everything. my new years resolution was to let go of the past. to try and forget. to not let it haunt my dreams. but still everynight i check under my bed to make sure HE is not waiting under there for me. i know he seeks his revenge and that frightens me more than anything. once he finds out im back in maine i know my life and the lives of my family will be in great danger. ive been trying to prepare myself for this but i dont think i could ever be ready. the other night i woke up and HE was standing over me with hands spread ready to choke out my last breath. and when he was through strangling me he reached behind his back and took out a knife [the one he had stabbed me with before when he burnt down the kitchen but did not succeed in his utmost desire to end my life] and forced it into my heart to be sure this time he had finished what he had planned long ago when i was 5. a single tear fell from my eye and that was it. when will these nightmares stop. when will this pain end. this horrible amount of anger and pain and saddness i carry every single fucking day of my life since i was a child. i just want to be happy. i dont want to think about how the past has reflected my future and my relationships and the person i have become. i dont want to be this person anymore. i wish i was a snake...so i could shed this skin....become something new and more beautiful. but some things, are just NOT meant to be. on a lighter note its a beautiful night.