life is too stressful for me. i cant take it anymore, im breaking...finally. i look like crap. my eyes are swollen from the hours i spent crying in the tub and the lack of sleep. people look at me like im on crack but i dont care. i dont care about anything anymore - my hair, make-up, if my clothes match my shoes. im done with that. ive decided not to go to college [at least for a while] i dont have the money for it- or the time. i have to work...a lot. i had applied for the november class at pierres school of cosmotolegy and was accepted but i need to apply for a grant, and in order to do that i need to fill out a fasfa and in order to do that i need to get a copy of my tax returns and in order to do that i need $4o and a period of 3 months before i can get them back [possibly longer]. like i can spare $40 and wait 3 months when class starts in 2. so i applied for the january class thinking it would give me time to pay for my car and save up money for my furture and school. but dustin informed me that when we go back home we are required to pay her rent [which i guarantee will be about $500 a month] and as soon as winter is over we are OUT! hyea like we will have money to pay for that and then save some so we will be able to find a place to live and actually settle down. we will be living in a cardboard box in downtown bangor and i will have to work at the strip club divas just to make a decent living because i never had the money or time to go to college. all my plans for life are ruined. im going to be exactly like everyone expects me to be......my mother. a crazy woman with a minimum wage job. ill always be that i knew thats what my life would lead to - i just need to accept that ill be a dead beat nobody for forever. ACCEPT IT! i hate dustins mother at the moment for this. like i dont have enough shit going on in my life as is. this is just one more thing i will have to worry about now. i dont mind paying rent but the fact that shes kicking us out as soon as winters over is ignorant. we told her our plans but NOOO little miss lisa marie brown doesnt care about anybody except herself which is why all her relationships fail! what about my plans? she knows we wont be able to survive and i think she wants just that. all because when she got knocked up and married at 18 and moved away from home for the first time it was hell. she never had any money even for food. i think she wants us to feel that way so we know what its like. well i have news for her....ive been there and done that. and i wont go through it again. whatever i dont care. people say "god does bad things to good people to test how strong they are." well hasnt he tested me enough? i mean first he gives me my parents who were coke addicts and skum. my dad let his friend molest me at age 3 while he watched. he was too dopped up to realize what was going on. thanks dad. ill never forget that. then my ex stepfather who i knew was evil the first day i met him. and sure enough he was. he beat my mother and i since i was five. he rapped my mom forced her to do drugs and drink made her have dinner on the table at exactly 5pm. he stabbed me dislocated my shoulder and thumb fractured my wrist and will now haunt me for as long as i live. the fucker was sentanced to 10 years but only had to serve 2. MOTHER FUCKERS! what kind of judicial system is this. people have gone to jail a lot longer for less serious crimes. my moms new boyfriend is no better. he has a thing for calling her a cunt and throwing lit cigaretts in her face. hes also a drug addict and dealer forcing my mother to do things she doesnt want to. he doesnt have a job and expects my mother to support her my brother him and his three children from hell. i refuse to go back there as long as he lives in that house. my brother has a serious anger problem and i fear he will be a lot like kenny when he gets older. i pray every night he wont. my grandmother whom is my savior continually makes me feel like shit because i dont have any money. yes i know shes paying for a lot right now and i greatly appreciate it and if i had the money to help out i would...but i dont. i dont even have enough money to feed us every week. im just sick of life. suicide has appealed to me more often lately, i know its not the answer but at least everything will stop. at least my heart will be at rest. at least there will be no more suffering. im not that smart though. i would never go down that path i just keep playing this bullshit game and continually get fucked over every time. but thats life right? hopefully my luck will turn around.......hopefully. because i dont know how much more i can take before i am totally broken.