i've been listening to Babylon after not hearing it for almost a year. it reminds me of summer and being in love, i miss summer, i miss being in love. nostalgia sucks today. i'm dreading tonight, people i'd rather avoid, confrontation. again. i like people to smell the same, i like the familiarity. standing in the bus exchange yesteday i could suddenly smell him, the spicy, sexual smell that brought back memories of him and the times we were together. he was nowehere near me, but i could feel him through those memories. i long for summer. five weeks of school to go.

silly how the things you regret the most are always the things you can't change. i mean honestly, why does life have to work like that. goddammit.

When you do something bad, you accept resposibility for it. Or thats what I have always understood to be the 'right' thing. When people are cowards and blame someone else for everything, thats when the messiness starts. I don't like having the blame for something created by myself and somebody else just shoved onto me. I take resposibility for my part, not theirs. Not all of it. I feel like a life ruiner at the moment. =(

Its silly to do things that you know you'll regret even as you do them. But yet, we all do it anyway. I hope nobody ever finds out because even though I can justify it... I don't want to have to. mine.mine.mine.mine.mine.mine.mine.mine.mine. I wish Mike would talk to me again. Maybe its simply because Telecom has been so odd that last few days, esepcially out where I live. I don't know. I feel like I've scared him off by falling for him. But worrying won't do anything or help anything so I'll just keep doing it, as I usually tend to do. My head still hurts and I have a cut on my neck and a bruise on my thigh and no idea how they got there. It'll be scary housesitting next week. A month is a long time not to be home. =(

I spent the whole afternoon with Rob today. Didn't go to school. We watched movies and talked and talked and drank tea and talked. I really enjoyed myself, for once. =) Its amazing how you can not know someone really for two years and then suddenly, you just do all of a sudden. You cross the aqquaintance barrier and enter the friend zone. He's so lovely. It was so nice to talk to someone so much like me. We walked the dogs in the wind and the rain and he offered to hold my hand crossing the river. I could date you; why do I have to be so hung up over someone else?

Great sex this weekend, twice with Bex and yes. It put me on a high until about an hour ago. Female sex is just so much better at the moment. My corset fell down at the ball dancing, was pretty embarassing. But was a good weekend, even if a) I'm still covered in glitter, and b) I remember nothing after the bright pink cocktails. I'm exciting about flatting but scared at the same time! I have to have my own room though, with a lock. Wouldn't cope otherwise! Anyhow. I miss my sort of girlfriend. =)

So the ball is tomorrow night. The corset arrived and its all... argh. Too big! And doesn't lace up so can't be fitted to me! So. I wonder if I'm allowed to go topless? Or I could wear one of my other dresses. But... I don't have anything suitable. So I'm begging everyone I know to be on the lookout for a small corset that can be in christchurch by tomorrow afternoon. Hmm. Connie is lending me hers but I'm pretty sure it'll be too big. Ah well. I'm just so hopeless sometimes so I have to laugh! Or I might end up crying.

Bex kissed me in the exchange today. It was magical, special. The prejudices of everyone around us were awful though. The comments we recieved and the looks were so fucking pathetic. I have lost all respect for the population of Christchurch today. The rain put me in a good mood, but I ripped my skirt jumping in a puddle. So I bought a new fairy skirt and changed in cashel mall with great discretion. I wanted to dance in the rain. watching the tide arms up to the sky sand cold under pale skin hair sparkling with moisture eyes shining rain in sheets wind blowing nature into magic dance dance dance naked in the rainstorm on a beach at the edge of the world Dancing naked in a rainstorm brings out the most amazing spirituality about yourself and about nature and your life. I met someone with the most amazing karma. It was so powerful and I found I couldn't step away from it. Its a really incredibly connection. I guess everyone has to believe in something, and my beliefs have been floating unconnected for too long. Its nice to find them again. in the form of a kiss

I saw David in town yesterday, not to talk to but to look at. I felt a definite heart pull and forced myself to look away, feeling sick to see him hold open a door for another girl. Who was as usual, tall and thin. What is it about males and that superficiality? They claim to love small feminine girls but when it comes to the cruch, they want the tall skinny masculine figured one. Maybe I'm just bitter cause I'll never be tall and I'll never be unfeminine. I don't know. what makes her special?

I bought sparkly silver fairy shoes to go with my ball outfit. I wish I hadn't ripped my wings so badly, I don't think I'm quite a good enough sewer to fix them. xX; I grazed my face today falling over in town. Connie has started dressing like me, its silly. I can't understand why people feel the need to do that. I have nothing whatsoever to talk about. I'm listening to Savage Garden simply because I love 'Truly Madly Deeply'. Even though it goes against all music I listen to. I wish love was like that song. I really do. I feel so strongly tonight that pang of knowing that the person I love is in the arms of somebody else, someone taller and thinner and mentally about three years old. Knowing that he loves her and loved her the whole time we were together. I think thats the ultimate disply of cowardice, loving someone but staying with somebody else simply because it was easy. Oh. Brendon. If you ever read this or if I ever talk to you again. I won the bet. And I can't remember how much we bet, but mail it to me. =p

I know I shouldn't be stressed but I am. I need to find a black corset by next saturday and I have very little money. Actually, I have no money whatsoever until Wednesday. So I need to somehow find a cheap corset and have it held until Wednesday. Argh. I wish mine wasn't too big now. At least my fairy skirt is amazing. Seeing as I made it all by myself and I feel like a green fairy when I wear it. Except.. If I don't find a top, I'll be a topeless green fairy.

I took Monty to get a warrant today. And was feeling so awful and fluish that I didn't look at myself in the mirror when I left home. So I'm standing talking to the hot mechanic and he's staring at my chest. I wondered why, checked the rearvision mirror in Monty and my top was ripped across one of my boobs. Hmm. Daddy bought me chocolate and I wish he hasn't because I simply CANNOT eat it. Of course, I ate most of it. I'm cold and feeling insecure and my friends band changed my drumkit setup around and its all different and strange now. And I'm not strong enough to undo the snare stand and move it back the way it was. I want more female friends who I can relate to.

I sound horrible and snuffly and just bad. I hate having flu. =( I think I need to just be put down. =p I painted lots and then I got sick of it. Oh, yes, Sam, we're doing the same folio subject as you did last year. Women through time or something. xD Is boring but at least I get to paint my shoes and my corset. I made gingerbread men today, and they're impossibly cute so I took photos of them. And decorated them with pink icing. Argh I look fat and horrible today. I think being sick just makes you feel awful about yourself. However, have eaten three gingerbread men so should all be good. xD

Three hundred dollars just isn't something I can afford at the moment. Especially considering all the shit at work at the moment. My God, I need a new job. However, I have to do a resume first. Have a meeting with the boss as soon as my flu is gone. Its so nice knowing that for once, I'm right. That everyone I know and everyone I work with knows this too, and supports me. The manager has broken enough laws now that she could be fired. I don't want to see that happen though, because I don't want to be responsible for that. What am I saying? Of course I want that bitch gone. Shes treated me with the ultimate inequality and discrimination. I've done nothing to warrent her hate and treatment of me. She doesn't fucking deserve that job. I want to see her out on her arse. But I'm too much of a goddamn nice person.

Well. I have to try and fit into my corset for the 19th. And it is not looking good. He is basically cheating on his girlfriend. And I am becoming the 'other woman.' I feel like a bad person but at the same time I feel no guilt because he is mine. Tomorrow I am giving Bex her green fairy piercing. Which I bought from the hot guy in the square. Who gave me his cellphone number. Woo. Anyhow. I'm hungry and dinner seems a good option.

Its so nice being back at school, only for the fact that I spend most of the day cuddling Bex. We agreed not to date, not in any kind of serious relationship anyway. Too much pressure and neither of us are quite ready to risk our friendship. However, I am housesitting with her for almost a month in September, so we're both very excited! =) My nails are so long now that I can paint them. This is the first time they've ever been long in my life. But I spent all day picking polish off them. Living the high life...

i miss holding your hand and knowing that mine was the only hand you wanted to hold, knowing that mine were the only lips you wanted to kiss, my eyes were the only you'd look into with love, my body the only one you wanted to please, knowing you wanted only me, only me. i still wish he only wanted me. i've just lost the last part of him. i'd just rather be pregnant.

I ate a whole cake. A WHOLE cake. Not just some of a cake, not just most of a cake. ALL of a cake. Talk about misery bingeing, I haven't done that for ages. The doctor told me that I'm not allowed to have sex for a month. A month! I hate being this unhealthy little thing at the moment, all I want is to be well!

Its hard being in love with someone, them being in love with you. But both going your seperate ways. And trying to be okay with it. I realised tonight that i haven't even cried about it yet. So I did. I spent three hours crying, eating licorice, and watching City of Angels. And now I am going to be okay. I'm going to move on, I'm going to remember him, but I'm not going to let it rule my life. I'm going to talk to Sam. Because I want to be with him. With certain stipulations. If he stops me sleeping with other girls then I won't do it. I feel liberated. But I'm still in love with you, darling.

i miss you, i miss you. you already love somebody else. and i'm still in love with you.