Life seems to take different turns at beating me up. hmmm... I pretty much gave up hope on romance right now. screw it.

I have moments where I feel lost but then I have moments where I no longer feel like I have to worry about anything. Obssessed with moments and time. I figured I would be. I doubt this makes sence at all but it will help me in the long run to just vent. I am confused only in certain situations and I over analyze. I break down everything for more than it is worth and I throw away anything that I feel I no longer need. I can be annoying and quiet I tell it like it is sometimes or keep it to myself. But in the long run I have a way of letting the person know the truth, I am not sure of myself at moments and others I feel like nothing has or will ever change. my life tosses and turns like a rickety old boat. I dont know what love is. nor do I feel like I will ever be loved. I seem like a downer but if you know me I like to make people happy and that in turn is what keeps me going. I believe in having a passion and I believe in working hard for what you get. I dont think it is right to give a half ass job when the others around are trying to keep you afloat. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, I know a lot and I know a little. life is to complicated for answers just respond with questions. time is to short for me to sit on my ass all day and right in a diary that is not being reread. I want to be loved and I want to learn to love. I feel like I am ready to go home, I want to get some surprises for my birthday, I usually say one thing and mean another. I like to take showers. I believe in second third and forth chances I dont want to judge anyone. I dont always keep my own secrets when I tell others to keep them. I dont know why I am doing this. Why does he not like me. should I give him space. if I died would anyone care.

ok, so heres my story I am a tad nervous with everything, but yet I am still wicked excited to do the fire department. I need to work on slowing down my breathing and to stay relaxed, I never really noticed my breathing patterns before this weekend but I take long deep breaths because those keep me relaxed. Ok, so I like this kid named brett hes an amazing person, sweet kind, smart, and cute. When I am with him its just awesome, I like it better though when its just the two of us. but something seems to be missing, we are pretty much teased constantly by, jim, and john (sometimes) but it doesnt bother me I just hope it doesnt bother him because I dont want it to make him uncomfortable. I also feel bad because I talk about him a lot, but whats neat is I talk to him a lot which is also really good. I can trust him.

last one standing in the back lost in the world of crazy misunderstandings alone and unarmed I cant figure out what I want anymore. This is depression seeping back into my dry boring life held together by my amazing and supportive friends. sympathetic sometimes though I still feel alone. I want to experience love. I know I talk and think about guys a lot but its not about the guys, well it is to a point I want to know what it is like to be touched by someone I care about and someone that knows me and understands where my world stems from. I dont even think I really experience love from my family its kind of sad.lately I can sence myself pushing people away because I am starting to become afraid of being hurt. I discovered that because I dont really trust men even my guy friends that I have sort of openned up to I am running away from. I dont like trust at all because so many people keep secrets. I know I have so many thoughts going on right now but I kind of just want to drift off into a sleep.

this is my forth entry in two days, I would rather write this than use other people. my thing is not a lot of peope know or actually understand why myself esteem is low, and I only understand how people are by sharing my experiences. I am no longer depressed but at times I can be upset or even well sad, I am rather lost but I will move past it. I dont know how I have friends at my current school because everything seems so DRAMATIC but also the ones I get a long with that arent dramatic I worry I might annoy them because I feel like I am around them too much, I kind of wish I was able to find myself again I was so happy with who I was when I was in high school that now when I become an adult I am so confused. I have an Idea as to my major but that is not all my life is about its so much more than that right? dropping out of this idea that there is nothing out there for me I do believe there is something I am just holding on to so much right now that it is to hard to get to it. what I have accomplished... 1. being able to live on my own and not feel home sick 2. strength to make my own decisions 3. knowing that it is ok to fail 4. knowing that when I fail I can get back up on my feet 5. I can ask for help 6. I know that I can try new things and work to get them done. 7. I can travel on my own or with people I dont really know 8. that in knew places I will be able to meet new people 9. the small things in life do actually mean a great deal. 10. I know I am worthy to be loved by others (family included). I need to write that list and for some reason I feel happy about myself right now. I know I am not ugly I know I am not fat I know I am smart I know I am good at something even if I have not found what it is I know I am able to love others I know someday I will be able to say "I love you" and not have to worry about calling it the L-word. I have so much in this entry that now that I am able to write it here I might be able to believe it at some point.

resting my head on air holding on to something that was not there looking back and wishing on the star dreams that never came true past hopes that failed goals lost nothing seemed to work but I still go on I still go on Drops of rain turn to tears listening to the music out side my window all I want all I need is out there waiting waiting to be found my broken heart covered in pain beat hard in the dark echoed in the lost mist of the morning I cant breath

loosened up but still feeling tight, hidden in side what might be right not letting go but not breaking free confused by not being able to see. I dont understand where does my life stand blocked by the clarity of some other man dignified by what you may discribed creating the one you want on the outside just listen to the outlines of the words I say dont you like the reason for my change. linked by the corners of the life I left happiness is something that I control deep within me where is my soul

my decision is I need to start writing again I need to let everything out this way! I have been far too open with my new friends even though I believe in being open is a good thing but to be open all the time is not neccisarily a good thing. I miss him so much but I am not his and he is not mine but I talk to much about him so by writing here when I want to talk to a friend of mine will help me keep everything to myself, I am starting to get worried though that having a friend of mine talk to him will make so that I will never have him again. he asked if my roommate was a round then a few minutes later he asked if I wanted to have him come over to help me out with everything. I dont know how to take that.. or what he wanted out of his visit. he was quiet and everything but I dont want him to thing I give anything out like that freely because that is not what a relationship is all about. but at the same time I kind of would not mind it. I dont know its almost like I am compleely different when I am not in a group. I do miss him he is a very sweet guy. I dont know what to say I mean he told me he just wants to be friends but the thing is I have a feeling he wants more but not saying anything and I never get that. I dont want the friends with benefits at all I am so over that. ugh mer goo han Ahhh. poop, darn it. I kind of like the feeling f wanting him and I feel like the only thing missing from this friendship is the phsical stuff. grrr. he has told me so much but not so much on himself. hm...

I am predisposed to Depression my first experience was this summer and it sucked and I never want to be there again. It lasted about 6 months probably more but all I could think was I want to get out of here I want to run away. I felt almost like I was to scared to face it but thats not me I dont like to run I am not a coward I am just careful, I am not daring because thats not me. That doesnt mean I dont live life I just dont see the rush that comes from sky diving or bungee jumping and I know when I am older I wont regret it. I get a rush with people I love meeting people and learning about there experiences and travels and stories. Everyone has a history I am just living mine differently. I have two paths in life. one of travel, passion, and mystery. and that is the one that seems more really to me now than the path that leads to having a home and settling down. I want both but its weird I dont think I would want a family to travel with me. I want to go from place to place and never really settle down. I love helping people but I am starting to loose that love and I am starting to live more freely. I mean I feel like charity is like a buisness and you have that family life that gives to charity but I want to work on bring happiness to people I think that would be a dream of mine. I want to get to know people and learn what they love and what makes them happy. that is a charity that is something someone needs... happiness. then world is full of donations and food drives but what about getting to the heart. learn more and help more. I have heard that happiness helps people live long because there is laughter in the heart. I want to help the world and I feel I cant if I am stuck in one place. The catch is need to make money too and save money and the only way I feel I can do it is if I work. I think with the youth there is something gentle in there hearts that can help people. Happiness is something I want to bring. Because if I can make other people happy that might help me find the happiness. smile

What is it like to be in love? Is anyone ever really sure that they are truly with the person they are meant to be with? Does everyone have the opportunity to fall in love or does it just happen? I want to fall in love but right now I think happiness is that concept of love unless love is endless and overpowers any concept imaginable. I don’t know what I want or if I even want it right now. I would never rule out love as an option but I believe people who are not truly in love just want to have someone to love. I want to have the feeling that is so strong it over powers me and when I see the person I love it will be endless and last forever my dream of love though feels like it is just that and only a dream. It feels like what I want is all that I see in movies and can never be more. If only this dream could be proven wrong through reality and just found and developed overtime. I want the strength of to hearts to pull through any situation. I don’t want a one night stand I want something that can last. I want to be able to say “I love you” and not refer to it as the “l-word” I know what passion is and I used to have it with school. I might just be afraid and blind from any opportunity for love. I might just try to avoid pain and heart ache. I move on from crush to crush to avoid any troubles but I have never allowed myself to really open up to someone that I care about. I feel almost week in spirit that I just can not allow love to happen. I wish love would just happen so I can prove myself wrong. When I am faced with a challenge and someone says I can’t do something I do it. But I can’t fall in love and that is my own challenge. I am afraid of allowing someone else to hold my heart in there hands. I can not trust anyone or even see them as a possible partner mentally and emotionally. I want to have a whirl wind experience and fall into a passionate romance… but there is always heartache. I want a soulmate.

I am a dork... I say that a lot but I dont think I will ever be really over him. I have had feelings for this guy for a year.. I have not done anything at all.. I dont deserve him. he is the most amazing guy I have ever met and he care about me. and I think its only as a friend though. but when he hugs me or touchs me its like the world just disappears. I think I love him. I have never said that but I honestly think I love him. and it scares me because it makes me vulnerable. but its also weird because I dont want to sleep with him. I just love him. he attractive sweet and I just enjoy being around him. I need help though.. he came over to see me and for some reason I didnt give him a hug and he was trying to get one from me. the reason why I didnt give him one was because I was talking to a teacher at the time. It was rather wierd timing. do you (anyone) think he might get upset from it. Because I could not handle him upset with me. oh man I am just gone I think thats all I can say. -Caro-

I am just sitting here trying to keep myself occupied so that I dont have to clean my room, hehe right, well I really should do that. I am going to SNHU this weekend and I might find out from franklin Pierce this week. I also am excited because I am loosing wieght from working out. What I discovered is not to eat before I go because after I end up getting really hungry. My job at Kohls is ok. I mean I am not like flipping out about it because I know its going to be over soon and I will move on. Well it will be over soon If I dont get in to College. Ugh! I am so nervous. I just want to go to FPC and get out of work and really study hard. Well, I am going to go now, what a boring entry, sorry.-C

I am stopping this negative attitude. I am going to find my true place and be happy with it. I wish I was in school. I love that learning and discovering new things. well I got to go.-Caro

Thats what he sees me as fuck he sees me as a friend grrrr. I am so nuts right now. It didnt click until just then.

Sigh-cory I like him AHHHHHHH smiles twinkle in eyes daydreams I like him he makes me happy Ahhhhh all I want is to just be around him He likes me (i think) we always look at each other hmmmmmm breath. Hes up for a week and a half hes taking time off to "find himself" well we can find eachother together... mmmm oh yea! lol sorry... we talked about kids we talked about futures we talked about big things is that a good thing? never had I met a guy look that far in advance. he wants "5 kids" wow sounds like fun... ;) he seems like someone I can really connect with. he is polite and smart. he has a good head on his shoulders and yea.... Kiss me please. I can see him from a distance. I need to know where he stands Ahhhh. do I bug him or does he like me. laters!

ok I am so wierd. there is a guy named cory. I was not attracted to originally but I got to know him. and he was the sweetest guy I had ever met. I just wanted to hug him. he was so sweet. he was also easy to talk to. and well he was there when I was babysitting too and he came in and I just loved being around him and he really tried hard to respect me. I mean some of the things that were going on was I started moving his cards in solitare and he was all in a tissy but he wasnt that upset it was like we were together. and then we went and picked up our cards at the same time and it was sweet he got to it first but the others were teasing us (oh they are like a married couple, did I just say that oops my bad) thats when I was thinking about it. I got goofy and stuff and it was weird. Cory is from Cambridge and comes up occasionally and he seemed really neat. Well I am like floating now so when I am back on the planet I will talk more. latas-C

heres my life... I like someone I dont care if anything happens I am fine with being single I really just want to have things happen and have my life be a little quiet work, sleep, eat, and be happy. I dont want anything intence but if it happens thats ok. I like this stuff I am comfortable with everything. I made the right decision about culinary arts and with SNHU. that door is closed. currently I am not sure what I want to do with anything right now. I mean If I really did ever want to go back to culinary arts I would later on but right now I feel having my life be simple is important. I want to learn glass blowing and I want to do a little ice carving again that would be awesome. well I will talk to you all later. I am going to go figure out dinner I am making a meal for my brother because he is leaving on wednesday *CARO*

I want to leave and travel the world. my goal is to start with Europe and then work my way around. I am facinated by other lives and cultures and I want to learn how they live and how they work with other people. I hate that the world is getting unified through the language because having the different languages are fascinating I am such a curious person. I love this stuff. I want to know of a life style that will allow me to do this and then allow me to settle down somewhere. well I gtg ttyl. byebye

I am lost. I have this empty feeling. the need to be someone, be with someone, and to be somewhere. I am sad scared alone. I feel separated from the world and lost and out of touch. I feel like being around as many people as possible doesnt do anything for me. Loosen me up take me out. help me see the world. What guy would want me I am lonely. Sign me off to the side of life where the smiles are endless and all of time seems to be right. Loosen up the restaints I am lonely. Compounding binding connecting and strengthening.I find nothing I am lonely. Sadness is boring anger is dumb. nothing seems possible. I am lonely. Goodnight

Yesterday was odd, I had a random fever and the affects of it were being really cold, really, tired, and burning up. It might have had to do with the spider bite on my leg. My mom told me that there are only two dangerous spiders in Maine but they are not deadly. I am doing better today. I guess sometimes taking medicine really does help. Yay. lol. Yesterday was also the start of my 13 day work streak. I only hope that things go smooth. This last week with Ron gone annoyed me because we were the ones doing his work, oh boy how amazing that was. I felt bad for ellen because she knew more about the computer stuff than I did. I did not want to mess things up at all. The cool thing about the weekend was that I got to see John. Key word (see). I want to talk to him but hes always running around and hes only here once in a while. I also saw another guy that I think is cute but he is older so I dont know how well that would work. I slept for 13 hours last night. That was nice. I woke up three times. with three different dreams. All of which I was to get married in. I had a "love dream," that was nice I cant remember to much about it. I had an "abuse dream" that I remember but its weird it was one of those dreams were you feel you know the person really well and then at the same time its only in the dream that you have seen them. (I stood up for myself and did not break down from the abuse) that was good. "Happy Dream" That one I dont remember much either I think that was the second one and the love dream was the first. I did a lot of daydreaming too. I like day dreams because I get to control more of it. I dont really care where I go in life right now my goal is just to find something I love to do and that is pretty secure and go from there. I love working with people so I was thinking of Counseling and social work. I love art so I was thinking of Art management or art education. But I dont honestly know and that is ok. I will probably go to one of the career counselors at what ever school I go to and get help that way. I would not mind working for a university either but yea. I feel like I could type forever but It would get boring for whoever reads this because its just about my life. At least I am no longer thinking about killing myself or sex or random annoying shit anymore. Latas-C