I was thinking about a lot today. about who I am ? what I represent and where I want to go with my life? my true passion is not accepted by the present society while my present life is not allowed. I feel like sometimes I live in a shadow of my fake self and the last time I was really able to express myself was at McAuley. This world I live in is not something I am happy with. There is so much I want to change but at the same time if I change it I feel I might lose myself completely. I know that I am here and that those that I have met at SNHU well some of them can see it. At the same time I feel that there is something about them I might be missing. When I was with my friends from McAuley my only real worry is that things will fade between us. I was so happy there. And really I feel that being at school there is a small part of me missing. A friend said "the reason why we did not feel like such a flake is because we were both one." we blend well and I miss that the adjustment is hard to make when you have bonds so strong that the friendship there is where your personality lies. I have a few good friends here that feel like my McAuley Friends but at the same time we are still scoping eachother out to see where things are. My McAuley friends are all one of a kind. I feel so separated and lost that we cant share these times together... "These are the best days of our lives" people say, I have felt quite depressed but also kind of happy at the same time. My goal right now is to make it to summer. I can see my friends and find myself again, although I may have changed, my experiences here were more to say I was not perfect in college and that when my kids here what my growing years were like they will know it is ok to make mistakes its just not okay to dwell on them. I have my passion and heart, I have also developed skills. My dreams are coming true but my reality is in a way falling apart. I have lost myself in the midst of learning myself. The change may not be permanent but it sure is heck making things hard to settle down. "A Man Killer" I am I have not been able to settle because I am scared I am scared that I will be hurt like my mom that I will be hurt like others that I will not find that true passionate love that comes with the development of honesty and just. I may like many guys but all I get out of it is a strong friendship. I want security and an outlook on the future. I dont want to hold back and be circling the same life that will make me miserable. I want to travel, I want to see all options and come back and Be passionate and happy with not a worry or scare about the decision that I have made. I feel nothing toward guys just the first glimps I dont even know how to look deeper I want that ability I want to learn it. I want to be in love! Thank you