the same shit always happens. and i am equally as devastated as the last twelve million times. i tried to protect my heart in a locked box. but as soon as i show you the key, the heart is broke.

and i can tell a joke, but one of these days im bound to choke. and we might share a kiss, but i feel like i cant go through with this. * * * its a possibility that i will truly break your heart while ignoring mine.

my mind is too blurred to know whether or not i am satisfied.

i am not satisfied.

i am not satisfied.

he just doesnt get it. shes bringing him down and theres no way to open his eyes. im slowly watching him lose the personality i love. im watching him lose money and his spirit. and theres nothing to do.

nate and frank just smoked a ten gram blunt with me and dero and emily for dero's 21st. im over here high as hell. paranoid as fuck. seeing tracers and shit. wow. happy birthday.

devastated. r.i.p greg.

yes its raining and cold in november. and soon the december air will bite at my nose and ears. i think it goes without saying (but i will still say it) that a warmer climate could be beneficial to my soul. this winter time freezes my heart cold and i shut my eyes to everything. if the sun was shining its a possibility that my heart just might not freeze and i could feel warmth. until then, may we all be miserably depressed until april showers bring may flowers. hey winter, fuck you.

i saw cody & sydney today. they're bigger than me. hard to believe i used to babysit those kids. this makes me feel extremely old. last time i saw them i could still pick them up and carry them around. weird.

im really supposed to be getting shit done today. laundry, dishes, etc. im sitting on the computer, in my underwear. yes, im so lazy i cant even get dressed. dammit. and my community service is due in two days. have i started even one hour of ten you ask? nope. fuck.

& its true we named our children after towns that we'd never been to & its true that the clouds just hung around like black cadillacs outside a funeral

i really dont feel like working today. or getting dressed/bathed for that matter. sleep. must sleep.

im definately feeling restless. im boyless and the winter is steadily approaching. for some reason the winter is always much more lonely feeling than the summer and im worried that i will not have anyone to cuddle with this season. its beginning to take a toll.

i dont want any more fucking next day chemical belly sickness. ugh.

i tripped acid last night. very long night.

speedballing is taking two uppers together to combine to achieve the ultimate high. ecstacy & cocaine. the ultimate high. the ultimate fall from grace. stomach churning, eyes dialated, bright lights. i am writing this down to remember. i feel like dying, only when the drugs are gone.

we only said goodbye with words, i died a hundred times

&iquitdoingpills. &itsbeenfartoomanyweeks. &nowirealizeitdoesntevenmatter. &idontevencare.

i think its possible that i will never see the bigger picture. and i also think its possible that this is because i would not like to see how small i am in this bigger picture.