the lines are blurred. i cant tell where the wall ends and the ceiling begins. my bed has sunk into the floor. i cant reach the bathroom counter. and this water cup is just too damn big. i thought the lights would be brighter and and elf would walk down the street. instead i ran through the hallways of my mind all fucking night. searching for the exit door. i couldnt stop thinking. and ive re-lived every memory in my mind. every moment, every sight, every taste, every sound. i remember my mother. when i was a baby and she layed me on her feet on my belly. like i was flying. and i feel like im flying again. and she lowers me and smiles and i remember. every picture on the wall sucks me into its life. i cant get away from it and its in fast forward and im dizzy and i cant make a sound or explain this distortion. this room is spinning. there is a boy on a cot next to me and im not sure if hes even alive. the phone to my ear but im pretty sure im talking to myself. string cheese vomit. pop tart crumbs. nothing even tastes like anything. my whole body is aching. feels like someone beat the shit out of me and left me to die. im slowly deteriorating in the alley. i've played on literally every blade of grass in my backyard. and on everyone else's yard on my whole street. i cant get a grip. i dont know whats real. ive lost all sense of time, value, place. nothing matters. its all the same in the end. a white sheet. i cant find meaning in religion. i cant find refuge in prayer. i found getting out of my bed to be the most difficult thing ive ever done. and i only type this now to remember to never do it again. im nauseous. i can only taste seeds. you would think it wouldnt be so bad but its the most awful taste in the world. and everyone else is mad. like im not miserable. my eyes are jittery. my hands are shaky. i cant look in the mirror. my feet are blue and swollen. my shoulders are red and heavy. my eyes are unrecognizable. id say it out loud but it doesnt make sense. it was all fun and games at first. we're laughing about fleece blankets. and kris isnt wearing any pants. im begging to hear that girls voice but shes sleeping and wont wake up. im in jennifers room. im staring at the yellow walls. my own room is unfamiliar and at this point i would give anything to find something familiar. to recognize a face. or recognize a feeling. i should be in a padded room but they are letting me walk the halls freely. im crying to my mother and telling her i love her. there isnt anything like the way she holds me in her arms. she always says the right thing. theres a bird. bigger than all the other birds. in a tree. in my backyard. and it looks at me. and it turns away. mocking me. hating me. confirming my beliefs that nothing is real. i control that bird. i make him turn around and ignore me in disgust. im laying in my bed. im popping sleeping pills for days. i peek one eye open more than eight hours later. the room is dark and im back where i started. this room is still spinning. im not getting up. im never getting up. im back asleep and then back awake. im scared to dream. the whole night was a dream. where i can do anything i want. and there are no consequences, and no regrets. im stumbling to the bathroom. im holding on the the bathtub and sink because vomit is coming out of my mouth faster than ever. its invisible. i see my feet. and legs. im like a giant. and there is someone in the mirror. looking back at me but i dont know them. they have blank eyes. i dont have on a shirt. my skin is the best its ever felt. so i dont know if its even my skin. im in someone elses body. they arent beautiful. they just feel good. im sitting up in my bed. im slumped over into my lap. im there for days. the clock is broken. says two minutes. feels like its been two hundred years. i want to connect with the outside world. its raining. i dont know if i can cope with being wet. i push my face against the window. i can feel the cold air and i want to lay on my porch. and stare at the sky. and try to find god. i cant see him. i dont know hes there. i feel like how i imagine greg feels. no one understands. they think im sick. im dead. im lost. im trying to find my place. im trying to go back to start. but the game has already ended. its back in its box. its on the shelf. i cannot reach it. i cannot begin to try. i brush my hair over my face. it smells like my new shampoo. its suffocating me. i wear sunglasses. they hide me from the rest of the world. no one knows im here. im watching a movie. a scene from garden state. where everything is in fast forward. and you never really get a clear picture. except, this is reality. i dont even have a video camera. im seeing through someone else's eyes. im living someone elses life. im not letting them do anything but sleep. more sleeping pills. i/they dont deserve to wake up. learn ya lesson? yes, fuck you. im never leaving this house again. i'll confine myself to these rooms, to these walls. i wont share the secrets of life with you. you'll figure it out on your own. seed packets in garbage cans. i cant look. entire drawer filled with more nights of terror. i cant breathe. i want to scream but i know there is no point. there is no point to anything. nothing matters. nothing is real. i wish i could be there with you. watching your smile and holding your hand. "planting lilacs and buttercups." i love you. this was all wrong. not the way i planned it to be. this wasnt how my life was supposed to go. this wasnt how i was supposed to feel. or fail. nothing exists. my breathe smells bad but the toothpaste is broken. my toothbrush is rubber and melted over. i wanted him to hold me in his arms. but i knew he wouldnt understand. he wouldnt know why. i let him go. i'll be alive for seventy years and nine months shouldnt matter. they dont. neither does all the jobs ive lost. or how i started college but withdrew. the park. down the street. the wind in my hair as im pushed on the swings. the sky when its blue and no clouds. my father taking us to the airport to watch the airplanes. the airplanes so close, i could reach out and touch them. the highway. when im driving in my car and they go overhead. i want to pull over and lay in the middle of the road to see them again. that hill under the bridge. nothing makes sense. this empty room. its not so empty. its filled with tears and joy and laughter from years back. if you're quiet enough you could hear the years go by. my mind is on repeat. except its going so fast i dont know what its repeating. and my fingers are heavy. and my life is over. im dead. i dont need help. i need a straightjacket. i need someone injecting me with happiness. i need a hard mattress. i need to sleep on cold tile. i need a paper robe. i need to lie down.