i wish I could listen to my new Jump Little Children cd that kendal burned for me on my computer right now, but the speakers are broken or some crap like that....ugh. Anyway...it has been a weird week. It has been a weird summer actually. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have had some REALLY AMAZINGLY FABULOUS AWESOME times this summer, but at the same time, it seems like this whole summer, I have just been waiting for something, but I don't really know what exactly. I am not happy that school starts on monday. I am dreading it. I know that school is one thing that I have NOT been waiting for. The weird thing is, i don't know what exactly I am waiting for when I feel like I should be so happy the way things are right now. I have great friends(although some tend to fight sometimes, we still have fun!) and my family is good and it is summer and I got a job, which supplies income and I have been taking voice and piano lessons and gone to NYC and gone to the beach, and im tan and have new clothes....i just can't really grasp what it is exactly that I am waiting for. I think what it might be is my future. LIke, it may sound dumb, but I think I am looking forward to being older. I am looking forward to getting lead roles in plays and having a boyfriend who I really like and who understands me and beign able to drive and having freedom but at the same time spending time with my family that I enjoy....I just hate the fact that I can't seem to grasp the moment now. I WANT to be 15, but at the same time, i can't wait to be older. I feel so in between time periods. Maybe getting my braces off on Friday will help me feel older, but I have a feeling that what I feel is much deeper than just looking older. I think what makes me nervous, is that subconcsiously, I think that the things I look forward to in my future won't ever turn out how I plan. I try not to think so negatively like always setting myself up for failure, but it is hard not to subconsciously believe that I won't ever get lead roles or be truly and honestly happy. i was talking to lucy yesterday and she told me that she, at this point in her life, feels honestly happy. She said that her happiness feels realyl genuine and the reason she knows she is happy, is because it doesn't really show majorly to other people, but she always feels happy inside. Maybe I am waiting for that moment to come when I realize I am truly happy...not just outwardly happy, but happy as a whole. i just hope that because Lucy has a wonderful boyfriend and a car and lots of money doesn't make her more capable of being happy than me. I don't think it should. that would be a very materialistic happiness then, and it just doesn't seem like lucy if very materialistically happy right now. In fact, I know she isn't. I'm really sorry. this entry is completely random. I know you may not understand it, but it feels good to get it out.