Spineless is Fate, and I as fragile class kneel between the knees of God to place them together for his own amusement, to gain his love. How would you feel if you were your father's whore? If you sat praying for him to look at you like he looks at Mommy. Oh, life would change. Life wouldn't be life anymore, it would be a pool-- No, a puddle. A pool, that mass is too great for the lack of dignity in a hooker's knee-high boots. So, here we come to this puddle, this small, trivial drop of water, surrounded by a world of importance and beauty. And bigger puddles. One looks at the night into depth and structure while another sees colours and another, perhaps, will see nothing but night. See what is night really? Is it colour? Is it depth? And if we can't figure what night is, how are we to figure out what we are. Or more important, what we aren't. For example, I'm not a nice little girl. I'm not an angel. I'm a vomited up mistake intended to get attention, but instead provided a mess, another responsibility happier lived without. It's important to know who and what you are and that is why I tell myself my mother never let me forget it. That is why I believe she was in the right. She never commented on my looks and it's what's on the inside that counts, or so we're taught. So I was taught. And what was inside me were organs and fluids-- Matter. I was a thing, a was this object that simply existed. Why, how, it didn't matter because no matter what the answer, I would still be here. Existing. And cruel as it may seem for her to push such views on me, to give me this cynical perception of life and love and just everything, I couldn't be more thankful. I couldn't look at my mother with anymore gratitude. I may sit on the street, grinning, laughing at things that no one finds funny or pretending what you want me to pretend. I may be this scum, this hidden secret, this violation of everything this objects have created, but I go to sleep light-hearted. I go to sleep without burden, without worry. I know that these people, they are exactly like me. They exist. Everything, absolutely everything is only here to exist and I am no different, no better, no worse than someone who exists for another reason by another method. Either way, we're still both here. My vanishing act, they say, is distasteful and old. They call me cliché and boring. They say I talk too little and write too much for someone without a mind of their own. Who are they to preach about a mind of their own? A mind, why would you want your own mind? Having a personality, individuality, the ability to process and think and make decisions and come to conclusions are exactly what breaks us apart from each other. It's what makes everything shred of existence completely and utterly alone. No matter how you voice, show it, spell it. No matter how you express, it's never quite what it is to you and in you and as you. And in that respect we are alone. And dependence becomes this liberator, this salvation from loneliness, from the reality because reality is not a happy thing. This addiction, this dependence binds us to something and suddenly, without this thing, without this substance or object or this piece of matter, we could not exist. And if not for those like us and us ourselves, this thing could not exist. Everyday we destroy the world and everyday we need it more. An abusive relationship seems the most honest if looking at life through this depressing vision. The clarity of being trapped, the freedom of having no way out is beautiful no matter what the outcome. You are free of worry. You are free of challenge, of threat, of anything that you may have to face, because now you only have to face it. Whatever it is. It's going to be there. That simplicity, that knowledge is a gift. And when we lay our heads down at night, we cry inside. The dark shrouds our bodies, our shells and the existence inside can finally reveal how tortured it is. No matter who are you, no matter how happy you are. You still exist.

I wasn't there with her. But I saw it all. It was almost like I could feel her pain. I had to train myself not to. The pain was unbearable. Sometimes I'd slip and feel it. It was muse to teach myself to numb my senses to it. I've been getting better at it. Her tears stained my pillows and my clothing. What did she expect of me? What does she think I'm made of? I'm only human. She has to realize that. I hate her for this sometimes. I want to... kill her. Hit her. Destroy her. I hate her. I always hate her. But I have to take care of her. Who else does she have? I sometimes can see her beauty. Can see who she really is. So vulnerable. So naive. In some ways...innocent. She just... makes so many mistakes. So many of the same things, over and over. It's so sad. So pathetic. Pity is why I stick around, I think. Either way... it's the same thing every day. From the moment she opens her eyes to the moment she closes them again. Sometimes even in between. She gets angry when I ask the same questions over and over again. Though she never gives me a straight answer. It's just too hard? That?s all I can ever get her to tell me. I do feel sympathy sometimes. She is trying so hard to make it by. And I could understand, I guess... Sometimes I do. She's lost. She's confused. She doesn't know where she belongs. Where she fits in. It's such a said nursery rhyme. Such a said story book to open and view. The pictures are dark and tainted and what fairies and rainbows were there are hidden in the shadows of the forests she's planted. Other times, though... I get angry. I feel like making her see everything. See exactly the truth, see the reality of what has happened. Some of it was her fault. I don't care how hard that is for her to admit. She had chances. So many of them. But she fled from them and she's dragged me along with her. Now she regrets it and whines about it to me. I'm still there, though. Still drying her eyes. And telling her to be strong. Every day is a new success. Because I always tell her, Just make it to tomorrow and we'll work from there And I am proud of her. Most people in her place would be dead in a second. Or worse. But she's still living and she's still getting by. I guess I admire that. I guess I have to. I still wish she hadn't dragged me into it. I'll always hate her. I want to forgive her. Maybe someday she'll give me reason to. I love her, too, though. She's gotten me this far. Kept use both alive. I keep us alive. But so does she. It's confusing. Having a conflict with yourself. Hating yourself. She resents me sometimes, but she could never hate me. She'd be alone if she did, so she wouldn?t dare. She hurt me. Shattered me. Allowed me to break. But she's lost. It?s too dark to see and she can't see what she breaks. Maybe I'll forgive you. What do you think? Have you ever been able to forgive yourself, after hurting yourself so badly? If so... I envy you.

Laying there bleeding Helpless and lost Naked in the floor Eyes wide open Can't see anything Staring at the ceiling Seeing nothing Feeling nothing So there's not fear Just laying there Bleeding

[ Serenity Unchained says: Davey's not talking. Did I make him mad? Ninja-kun says: nope you didnt...he is worried i think...because my fiancee is feeling shit right now Ninja-kun says: she tried to commit suicide and her bestfriend abandoned her [ Serenity Unchained says: T_T .. [ Serenity Unchained says: She's okay though, right? Ninja-kun says: no, she is far from okay actually Ninja-kun says: as far as you can get [ Serenity Unchained says: She's not dead is she? Ninja-kun says: no, but if she were dead, she wouldnt be as far from okay, since then she would be dead I.. can't stop crying..

OMG, Randy's on and I'm HAPPY. I'm smiling and he's on and YAY! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Well, this is just a stream of thoughts, so here it goes. This past year has been like a living hell for me. I've been through just way to much, and I dunno how long I can keep going on like this. It feels like I'm stuck in time, without anything. Like I'm fading away by the second. Like roses dying because summer is over. I've fallen back into a eating disorder, because I just don't care anymore, and things are getting out of hand. Funny how things change, one minute things are fine, the next they're not. I don't even remember a day that I've felt happy. It's just every morning getting up, and looking forward to more problems. I can't even like into a mirror, because I can't handle the truth. I can't look at a knife, because those same stupid suicide thoughts fill my head. I was never like this, I just kept it all in, and not doing what I do now. It's weird every time I try to eat.....it just doesn't go down. I just feel..trapped I guess. I just feel like a damn mistake, because nobody cares what I think or what I have to say. I can't stand living in my home, because of all the arguing and screaming. It gets bunny old, after a while. There's days where I just wanna die, but I know I can't let down the people that do care about me. I know that I need to eat and everything, but it don't work that way. I can't force myself to do any of it. There's so many days that I just cry myself to sleep, I know..dumb right? I just wish I was perfect, beautiful inside and out. That's just a dream though. I can't see how I can love the people that mean the world to me, but I can't even love myself. But my heart is just ripping more and more, feels like people don't even notice..or they just don't care. All that I want in my life is some damn happiness, and love......but that seems so unreal, after years of not having it. I hide in a world of fake smiles and laughs. Telling people I'm alright, when I'm not. I don't know what else to do, because you can't save me from myself.... You can't make my broken world, right. It's all up to me I guess, and I don't even know where to begin......so yeah..there's my thoughts and feelings....

You're right,love always hurts, because love is one the only things that is TRULY important to everyone. That's why it can hurt us so easily, but you shouldn't be scared to feel loved or happy. Everything has a bad side. You can't have happiness without sadness, and you can't have love without hate. Even in relationships when you're supposed to be the most happiest, because of the extreme highs, there's extreme lows, that doesn't mean it's worth fighting for, or that you shouldn't try, EVERYTHING in life will have a side that can hurt you, you've just got to take it in your stride. And I know with what you've been through, "take it in your stride" must be like an insult.But you have to move forward. Whenever your ready. But when I say move foward, I don't mean heal in a day, I mean you take one step forward.You're right in saying he didn't love you, because it's truth, but because you thought he loved you and he hurt you, now you're blind to the fact that Daddy DOES love you and WON'T hurt you. He tries his best. He's always checking up on you and asks how you've been,what's wrong, and why. He wants to udnerstand you so he can take care of you as best he can. You know how it feels to be alone like you were, and how unloved you were, and Daddy wants you to stay with him. He wants to be the one to tell you "I love you", he wants to be the one to hug you when you're scared to make up for all those years he wasn't there for you. He wants to be father figure in your life. Some people fall, and some people help them back up, for you, it's almost like you fell, banged you're head and is laying in an emotional coma on the ground. Daddy won't leave your side. He'll sit and sit and stroke your hand waiting for you to be okay.How ever long it takes. He loves as much as possible. You'll believe this with actions, and Daddy will look after you.

A rose you are my Darling No matter the amount of blood that you spill, whether it be from a slashed wrist or a truly pierced soul smeared on paper, my Dear, you are the embodiment of pure gothic black that is wretched both mentally as well as physically upon your battered battered spiritual soul Like this rose, may you never ever stop bleeding out your emotions through your thoughts that guides the pen like a séance being performed with a small tablet that glides on an Ouija board Like this rose dear, dear darling, you ooze black beauty that bleeds out the gothic in you with never-ending emo-ism. Let this rose be your vassal to continue on your path spiraling down continually in the blackest of emotions that you shall provide your readers like Edgar Allen Poe, forever with "Nevermore”... Be forever .Twisted in Innocence.

All I ever needed Was for someone to be there To help me through a nightmare But no one really cared.

I'm trapped in a nightmare Waiting for a way out I look into the s.h.a.t.t.e.r.e.d. mirror Hating e v e r y t h i n g looking back Why must I be so imperfect I only want to feel b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Or is it true that I'm a damn mistake I'm fading away from everyone, and everything There's so much pain behind my sparkling eyes So many things remain concealed ....things you'll never know So I'll put on a smile, and act like everything is fine The candle is burning away now Just like my soul and heart have ...if only someone knew... I hate waking up to another day of pain As the knife slowly falls to the floor These thoughts control my mind My life is almost taken My soul will soon be free This is my suicidal dream Once you're in it, there's [no] way of getting out So, let me die in my sleep ...I gave it my all, now it's my time to go...

I guess I should have posted this a long time ago.. Well, to start off with, I have changed dramatically within about 8 months. If you knew me then and you meet me now, I am a completely different person and the only similarities I have with that old personality is that we both have a past. But I deal with it now much more constructively. I am an open minded person. Though I am very insecure, I know the people I love most think I am a good person and that is all I need to be confident in myself. I believe that I am at least twice as intelligent as the majority of the human population. I know that's a bold claim, but it is truly how I feel. I am a socialist and am an Atheist. I would like my beliefs to be respected as I try my best to respect the beliefs of others. If you were hoping this would tell you all you need to know about me, I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken. I'm a person that you need to talk to quite a bit before you catch onto my tendancies. Being so insecure, I distance myself from any social life beyond one or two friends. Because of my isolation, I am very dependant on the few people I love and care about. Because of that dependancey, I fear abandonment and respond poorly to change. I find the smallest daily tasks, such as making apointments or going shopping, more than a hassle and avoid them if possible. As I stated before, I am much different now than before. I am no longer a whining, pity seeking emo kid who cuts herself and thinks she has it worse than anyone else in the world. No matter what life throws at me, I will not render myself to a pathetic stage of mindless indulgence in my own self pity. And anyone out that acts that way needs a reality check and should grow up. It's embarrassing. Because of my ME (myalgic encephalitis) I am exhausted most of the time and sleep as much as possible. Of course, I'm condradicting myself, because I sleep little, if at all, most nights. I have a paranoid fear that one day I'll wake up and everyone I love will be gone because I've slept so long. So I sometimes wish to avoid sleep, even if I am on the verge of collapse. I I hate leaving my house, but love the idea of travelling. I often go in my backyard and just stare out at the city pondering what I'm going to do with my life. I want to possibly be a a writer and a psychologist. The world is my playground, but honestly, slides and see-saws are just not my thing. I used to draw anime loads, but have since given up as my interest in TV and things like that has died down and I am more focused on writing and emotios. I plan on getting books on the stages I mentioned that I am interested in so I will be able to study them and maybe someday go to college. While I know that I am intelligent, I am not very knowledgeable and know nothing, really, about politics except the following; George Bush needs to be taken out of office and Tony Blair needs to be taken out of office. I have an overwhelming fear of death. I get paranoid that people such as the mail man or near by construction workers are trying to kill me. I am nearly in tears if a plane flies over my house as I think it will bomb me. I am extremely self-aware and at the same time I confuse myself into holes. Whenever I cross-examine myself, which happens frequently, I can never quite understand why I feel some of the things I feel. I have a low opinion of myself in that respect, as I despise pity-seeking, yet often catch myself trying to be innocent. However, I am trying to accept that it is human nature to defend yourself. Well, I that's am all I'm to let you know about me without actually speaking to me. If you would like to get in contact with me, please feel free to e-mail me.

x Alone and Sad: You're a pervert; and I don't mean a funny/cool perv like my lover boy, either. I saw you with like 256956 girls at the dance. You really should be shot. And I don't mean that in a nice way. Sucking up to Brittany now does not even come close to making up for what you did. You see, she's too nice. I, on the other hand, would have told you off and punched you at the dance. -50 for your high and mighty ego. Brittany really is mad at you. Whether you're smart enough to believe it or not. I'm glad Lesley beat you up the other day. You deserved it. -another 50 for your dainty ego. I'm going to stop now. I could say a lot of things, but, I'm not. I think I'm going to save myself the fucking headache. Gmr1000: hey x Alone and Sad: Don x Alone and Sad: Don't "hey" to me. x Alone and Sad: Read what I said Gmr1000: i read half of it x Alone and Sad: Read it all x Alone and Sad: Don't skip it. x Alone and Sad: You can't read it because you know what you know you hurt Brittany x Alone and Sad: She can pretend she's not mad, but she is. Gmr1000: lol i found that funny like lesley hurts my ego and war you think hurts it and i am srry for hurt her but i ddin't do anything wrong i didn't ask her to the dance and i ddin't break any promises x Alone and Sad: Yeah, but you told her you weren't going to the dance and then you show up and flirt with a bunch of girls. That hurt Brittany more than nost asking her. x Alone and Sad: If your ego wasn't so fucking big you'd understand what I'm trying to fucking explain to you Gmr1000: i said i might not go not that i wouldn't and me dancing with pl is my choice not hers or yours x Alone and Sad: You x Alone and Sad: You're nowhere near as fucking "cool" as you think you are. x Alone and Sad: Your ego and "coolness" is going to be your demise x Alone and Sad: Not commenting, eh? x Alone and Sad: Do you honestly think that sucking up to Brittany now is helping any? Gmr1000: i know i am not cool i nvr said i was ok if i thought i was cool i would actually think that i was something am not which is normal by far i am not and fuck you x Alone and Sad: I already know I'm a bitch, Kevin dear. Your ego sure is big though. Gmr1000: and all those ppl are no more than fruiends Gmr1000: friends x Alone and Sad: I wonder what would happen if someone just.. oh, I don't know.. popped your ego.. x Alone and Sad: I should like.. seduce you and seriously make you go mad. That would be fun. Bye bye Ego =) Gmr1000: that would be far harder than you think I went to lords that school can hurt egos far more than hermitage and any ways i am impervious to shit like that i went through hell at lords and became a unconquerable fortress x Alone and Sad: OMG, so tough. No. I don't think so. Gmr1000: lol no one at hermitage actually knows me except one person and you don't know her and she left last year x Alone and Sad: No one really knows me either Gmr1000: like i give a shit x Alone and Sad: If they did, I'd be in a psycho home x Alone and Sad: Or the Loony Bin x Alone and Sad: =) Gmr1000: i wouldn't but ppl would be scared cause no one there has ever seen me get made cause had they would be either dead or on the ground bleeding really bad x Alone and Sad: I think that's your ego talking. x Alone and Sad: Dear, dear Kevin. Perhaps, you have a split personality? x Alone and Sad: Some deep, dark, kevin that wants to come out? x Alone and Sad: Maybe he'll show you how stupid your being? Gmr1000: no i burried it long ago when i left lords it dies forever cause if i ever showed it i would be in juv x Alone and Sad: Acting tough is not cool. x Alone and Sad: I think you need a lesson in psychology. Anger, sadness, depression, other fucked up feelings don't just die, sweety. They get locked up deep in your heart and mind and wait till they can come and show what you've been hiding. Gmr1000: i have long since let those out so it wil nvr come out that is how i can let things go so easy x Alone and Sad: You're in denile. Unless you're an overly optomistic person you have to realize that one day you're gonna get mad and it's gonna show. You're gonna get to where you can't control it. Gmr1000: i know how to let things go and two i know how to tell ppl to shut the fuck up x Alone and Sad: I'm not shutting the fuck up Kevin. When I do, I'll let you know. Gmr1000: ok so i can block you but i on't care enopugh to do that x Alone and Sad: You seem to be an attention whore. You have a big ego, you go around and say all these things that make you sound tough and cool, beacause you want attention. Now, being an attention whore isn't always bad. You make it bad. Breaking people's hearts and sucking up is bad. You just want to keep your ego. Gmr1000: i don't give a shit x Alone and Sad: Oh, but you should. You see, I'm trying to help you. x Alone and Sad: I want you to realize who you are and what you do. Gmr1000: if i don't give a shit i can't be hurt x Alone and Sad: Yes you can. x Alone and Sad: You can get hurt Kevin x Alone and Sad: Even if you push everyone away and hate everything you damn well can get hurt. Gmr1000: no not as i am any more used to be able to but i am not that type anymore x Alone and Sad: Damnit Kevin. Listen to me. YOU WILL GET HURT. x Alone and Sad: You have to face reality. Gmr1000: i promise you no i won't x Alone and Sad: Don't promise that. x Alone and Sad: You're going to get hurt. x Alone and Sad: You really do need a lesson is psychology, sweety. x Alone and Sad: You can be all high and mighty all you want, but when it comes down to it, you're going to get hurt. x Alone and Sad: You can't go through life and not get hurt. Gmr1000: i nvr said life just high school x Alone and Sad: Life, highschool, same difference. x Alone and Sad: You will get hurt Gmr1000 signed off at 7:20:50 PM.

IM G0ING T0 SMILE LIKE N0THINGS WR0NG, TALK LIKE EVERYTHINGS PERFECT, ACT LIKE ITS ALL A DREAM , AND PRETENDS ITS N0T HURTING ME. Okay. I miss Randy. I can't sleep and I'm crying. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I wanted to claw out every " S--O--R--R--Y " You ever uttered but my fingernails never broke the surface of the screen

Even bestowed in a cricle of bloody feathers death is the weak way out. An angel should be what an angel is as pure in heart as in ones mind. So rise to the skies for one last fight with the thought that I will catch you, broken or not. This isn't finished yet. It could be, but I think it needs more. Suggestions would be nice since I think I'm having writer's block. =(

You’re right, I’m not like her; I’m me and only me. Just open up your eyes, I know I’m the one you fail to see. Don’t expect me to be perfect, I expect that of myself. You hold me responsible for What I can’t control. You can’t tell me what to do, What’s important and what’s not. Don’t make this harder than it is; I make my own decisions. You rub me the wrong way, It’s like everything I say is wrong. I feel my worst when I finish My long battles with you. I know this isn’t over yet, But I can’t take it now. With every word you say, You drag me down. You look, I quake. You smile, I wince. You speak, I shudder. That’s what you do to me. I can’t cry because I’m strong; It’s only a sign of weakness. But now I want to show you How hurt I am inside. You took my dreams and dismissed them With a gentle wave of your hand. You took my heart and crushed it; What’s left is a shell of me. Don’t you go breaking me now, I never thought you could. Someone like you proves me wrong And rips me to pieces.

Dum dum dum. I'm le bored and waiting for le Davey to come off le brb. In other news, Emily needs serious help. :D So anyway. I'm bored. Oh poo. Dave just went le idle. Oh well, he'll be back soon. Till then I'll chat to my Jojo :) I miss Randy, of course.

I've finally come to discover the root of my jealousy. It is fear. But how would she have not known that, you ask? Well, that is a question easily answered. You see, I was so blinded by my jealousy that I simply settled with the conclusion that was just the way I am. Because that took away intent, that took away everything you could hold against me and I could be innocent. The reason I still breath, is because of my ability to be innocent. Every decision I make is built around how guilty I would be. I strive to be innocent because that is the angel. That perfection that people seek in love, it is innocence, it is trust. You can trust angels. And something so innocent needs to be protected. Because it's so pure and you want nothing to marre it. It's like when snow has just fallen and then ground is so smooth, it seems such a shame to talk over it and leave ugly footprints. Or a dinner so lovely it seems a shame to eat it. That is innocence. That is the security I seek. Anyway, I've gone off topic. Yes, the root of my jealousy is fear. Fear that I will not be the most innocent. I will not be the most pitied. I will not be the one who needs the most protection. Who needs the most care and affection and attention. That is my fear. I believe it ties in with loneliness and my insecurities revolving around that issue. You see, that is why I hate it when I see people smaller than me. They're more delicate. Or people with more problems than I. They're more vulnerable. And where does that leave me? I sicken myself when I think of this. When I think that I have gone so low that I just want attention. I am a child. Yes, a child. Again, and a child depends on her parents. And again and again, it always goes back to my parents. My insecurities have to do with my not getting enough love and affection from my parents. But why do I doubt that? Why do I think I would still be the same today, the seem pity-seeking little girl? That is a question only I can answer. I spend hours analyzing things. Especially myself. Trying to figure out why I do the things I do. And I've come to the conclusion. I am terrified of being alone. And because of my parents, I don't think I could ever stop this fear of no one loving me. And because of that, I have to be pitied. I have to be vulnerable. I fear, of course, that I am only fantasizing and I will not ever be rid of such fears. But maybe I will. I suppose due to all my past relationships, I have this fear inside me. I I will be okay. That's what I hope, anyway.

Words dance accross my paper And spill forth from my pen A timeless song of sorrow From pain that dwells within A symphony of agony In rhythm and in rhyme Tempered by the passing days Yet not erased by time Words that pour forth from my soul They dance, they swirl, they spin Then fall like teardrops on the page From pain that dwells within Empty words and empty notes A singer with no song Just words that speak forth endlessly Of joy that is now gone Words dance across my paper And spill forth from my pen A timeless song of sorrow From pain that dwells within

Cold and unknown whispers Murmur all around me Why does it all come back? Why can't they leave me be? Distant and faded memories Whisk by in a flash My life is just an abandoned lake Silence never followed by a splash Blurred and blissful fantasies Sweep me up and leave no dust Could anyone ever find the truth? Will I always be a slave to my lust? Cowering in a corner Of an empty yet endless room I have no problem blending in With shadows that above me loom Colors blend into one As they finally break in And the lights start to quiver I'm getting lost in the din But don't you worry your pretty little head I'm still dying, still feeling the pain Tonight I shall finally give in, Listening.. To the gentle pitter patter of the rain.