I seem to be marred by my own jealousy. Of what? I'm not even sure. You see, I am a very selfish person. But more so than others, I can assure you. Having been through what I've been through, I crave so much more attention than I have earned or ever could earn. As sad as it is, I place myself above most of the human population. My own conceit is my down fall because I can't find people and trust them enough to let them in. I think I am more intelligent, more reasonable and more rational than most everyone I've ever met. And this, of course, causes me to feel as if the majority of the people I meet are not worthy of my opening up to them. I can't trust them to be intelligent enough to help me. Which is why professional therapy didn't do much for me. I am a very sane person, I assure you. Despite what the title of this leads you to believe, I in no way question my sanity. But as a writer, as an artist I feel the need to come up with a... "deep" title. Something that would draw you in. I sometimes think that maybe artists to that about a lot of things. Name a piece of art something that has absolutely nothing to do with it. But who would question that? It is art, after all. You're to find our own take on it. And those bold enough to speak up would simply be answered with, "You'll have to answer that yourself." When really, I think that might just be a witty remark to a question the artist themselves don't know the answer to. I am not a trustful person. But a very selfish one. I will expect people to trust me and believe that I could help them more than anyone else. Yet I refuse to return said trust because I don't think anyone actually can help me. I don't think I need help. Because I know my problem and it cannot be fixed. I simply think too much for my own good. I create my own insecurities in my head. With the help of experience, obviously, but that goes without saying. I do dramatize it all, though. Whenever someone tells me a problem, and I have no physical, solid proof, I usually doubt that they're telling the truth. I feel guilty for this because if someone tells me they have been raped, I can't simply call them a liar. How would I sleep at night? (Notice how I think only of how it will effect me?) Though I've heard countless cries of rape and there isn't' a doubt in my mind that half were false and half were true, I question all because that is better than being caught off guard. I am, and always will be a cynical person. Or at least when it comes to what effects me. You see, I have the most gut wrenching fear that my best friend will one day justleave me alone to find someone. Someone with less problems. Something simpler. Now, he assures me this will never happen. And though I believe him and trust him, I do not trust myself. The reality is, you're going to find other people attractive. If you say, "Oh, I see no one else but you," you're a lying, hopeless romantic and you need a lesson in psychology. But you see, I turn this into me not giving everything I could give. I pray to the God that I can never truly believe in again that time will hold out a little longer and I know I can be perfect. I know I can be all that is desired. But for how long? But he still promises to be there and God forgive me, but I believe him. Is that my own naivety working against me, causing me to believe in a true love that never will be? I hope not. But I question everything. He is perfection. My perfection. Losing him will result in me fighting to get him back because he is my life. No other can I trust like I trust him.. He is everything that will ever I need or want. That is where the fear comes from. It's because losing something so precious will result in the end of your meaning for existing. And so you fear losing it. It's like the fear of death. Only is so more more terrifying. So in conclusion, I am not insane. I am not a pessimist, an optimist, or a conformist. I am a realist. And I go by my own experiences and what I choose to take from others' experiences. And it has lead to believe that as long as I have him, I will be okay.