I've finally come to discover the root of my jealousy. It is fear. But how would she have not known that, you ask? Well, that is a question easily answered. You see, I was so blinded by my jealousy that I simply settled with the conclusion that was just the way I am. Because that took away intent, that took away everything you could hold against me and I could be innocent. The reason I still breath, is because of my ability to be innocent. Every decision I make is built around how guilty I would be. I strive to be innocent because that is the angel. That perfection that people seek in love, it is innocence, it is trust. You can trust angels. And something so innocent needs to be protected. Because it's so pure and you want nothing to marre it. It's like when snow has just fallen and then ground is so smooth, it seems such a shame to talk over it and leave ugly footprints. Or a dinner so lovely it seems a shame to eat it. That is innocence. That is the security I seek. Anyway, I've gone off topic. Yes, the root of my jealousy is fear. Fear that I will not be the most innocent. I will not be the most pitied. I will not be the one who needs the most protection. Who needs the most care and affection and attention. That is my fear. I believe it ties in with loneliness and my insecurities revolving around that issue. You see, that is why I hate it when I see people smaller than me. They're more delicate. Or people with more problems than I. They're more vulnerable. And where does that leave me? I sicken myself when I think of this. When I think that I have gone so low that I just want attention. I am a child. Yes, a child. Again, and a child depends on her parents. And again and again, it always goes back to my parents. My insecurities have to do with my not getting enough love and affection from my parents. But why do I doubt that? Why do I think I would still be the same today, the seem pity-seeking little girl? That is a question only I can answer. I spend hours analyzing things. Especially myself. Trying to figure out why I do the things I do. And I've come to the conclusion. I am terrified of being alone. And because of my parents, I don't think I could ever stop this fear of no one loving me. And because of that, I have to be pitied. I have to be vulnerable. I fear, of course, that I am only fantasizing and I will not ever be rid of such fears. But maybe I will. I suppose due to all my past relationships, I have this fear inside me. I I will be okay. That's what I hope, anyway.