I'm still DOING this to myself. I'm still FUCKING MYSELF UP. Why? Why can't I just stop? Why can't I stop myself? I NEED HELP. Meh. I am so fucked right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so tense. So lonely. My chest hurts. I need.. something. I need to shut up. I need to stop it. Someone fucking stop it, stop me, shut me up. I can't fucking do it. I'm sick of it, SICK OF IT SICK OF IT SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!KMjfoewgwbrho45h353btbrebrejnahbjre'haeqhn4r Meh. Writing won't help. Reading won't help. . Nothing can help. I need help, though, I need it, I'm gonna explode, please. Meh. Fuck it. Hmmmmm. I feel lonely. No friends. No one to talk to. And ironicly enough, this is when my thoughts are at their worst. This is when I think too much. When I have no one to talk to. I suppose that must be my destiny. People say your greatest fear is how you'll die. Will I die alone? Or die of loneliness? Hmm. How scary. The thought of death itself is scary enough. These are times when I feel empty, cynical and ill. So few understand me. So few can help me. Hmmm. Such a precious few. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel terrible. I want to sleep. I want to... wilt. I want someone who will watch me. I don't need pity, damnit. I spend hours analyzing things. Especially myself. Trying to figure out why I do the things I do. And I've come to the conclusion. I am terrified of being alone. And because of my parents, I don't think I could ever stop this fear of no one loving me. I've been trying so hard to stay away from cutting. I don't want to cry alone anymore. I hate it. I'm running out of people who really care... no one is ever there. Meh. I'm so sick of hurting. I'm so sick of crying. :-( Meh. Why won't fate just let me be strong enough to make it through lonely times? I just hate being lonely... I'm so sick of it... I feel so frustrated... I feel like everything's on my shoulders and no one cares... I'm sorry. I wasn't meant to be. I think too much and it makes me sick. I make myself sick. I get so pissed off that I could kill someone. Yet I have no outlet I've hit my last nerve. But that isn't true. You know, everyone makes me sick. I wish everyone would feel what I feel because I'm so sick of having to explain. And they say "I can't help you unless you talk to me." You don't fucking well listen when I do talk, so I've learned to keep quiet and save myself the fucking headache. And my paranoya? Oh, dear God, I don't even have trust issues. It's beyond trust issues. I don't believe anything, anyone says anymore . Why would you put up with someone like me? I can't even put up with myself. And I'm not saying it bitterly, like, woe is me, well actually I am. Because that's all I can do to keep myself from slitting my wrists. Complaining on here. I'd write, but my wrist would get tired. I want to be little and innocent. I want to lay on the floor and just cry and have someone save me. Someone find me and make me feel better. I want someone to read this and help me. I don't enjoy living this way, I mean that. I just don't how to escape it. I can't open up to people. Because people don't want me to open up. They want me to shut up . They want me to keep quiet while they beg me to talk, because then, they tried help, but they didn't actually have to. And I'm the guilty one. Yet, I'm also always the victim, always so innocent. And I want to be, but I hate it. After my numbness to the world has passed, I've been reminded that I'm a weak fuck that can't take this. Everything is confusing. I can't take jokes, I cry too much. I've been an over-emotional drama bitch and more so than usual. So, I think it's best for everyone if I just fucking keep cutting I'm so fucking pathetic. All I can do is write, no sorry type. Now see, I'm a little fuck that seeks attention so I'm putting all my fucked up feelings here so someone can come and feel bad for me to death. Fucking fuck, I can't take much more of this. Yes, I fucking well can. I sya that every fucking day and every fucking day I take the same fucking thing. Over and over and over again. Newsflash, idiot, saying you can't take doesn't mean you're not going to so shut up and suck it up. Somepne called and in not so many words I told her to fuck off. Sorry, was that another screw up on my part? I'll just add it to the fucking list. My FUCKING lungs are hurting so I wanna go to th hsopital. Right right right. I don't wanna say anything because I'm too SHY to talk to my own fake family, how sad is that? Notice how I say fake to add to my pity? Please, don't feel sorry for me, I'm getting so sick and tired of this. Maybe this will be that explosion, that one thing that sets off two week of bashing me a little further into the ground so we can work on pulling me out again. Ha fuckign ha. If no one needs me, I don't need them. But the sad part is, I DO I can be high and migty all I fucking want ,but when it comes down to it, I'm the little attention whore that always needs someone. Because if she's allow she might accidently pull the trigger. fuck it, this is too sad even for me. Or so I like to kid myself Everything is trivial. Unless I relent. Little safricises don't count anymore. I don't think I've felt this bad in a while... I'm really running out of ideas... I need someone, I really really need someone... I praid today... for someone... just, someone to talk to... After everything it seems like I'm right. It seems like everyone is right. Everyone is always right. I need someone See, this is where I slice my wrist and get a special visit from Someone. But I don't want to bleed and I'm not scared of who ever it is anymore. Why am I always second guessing myself? It seems like everyday I find another thing that I'm not sure of. Why is it always me that's left standing on an unstable mountain of self-confidence? wobble wobble... I don't see why I can't stick to my guns. "Are you sure? Really sure? But are you positive? Without a doubt?" Too bad I can't predict the future. wobble wobble... I get so angry sometimes. But I can keep it all inside because I'm good at that. I know how to not explode at people I care about. Sometimes I wish I didn't know how... Sometimes I just want to scream. wobble wobble... But lets face it... It will always be me. I will always be the swing vote. I will always be the chance. The risk, the uncertainty, the one thing everyone is trying to avoid. And who can blame them? How can you be sure of someone when they're not even sure of themselves? wobble wobble... I'll always be the one factor that can destroy the situation. And I don't know if I'll ever be sure of my positives. Why? Because a negative life is easy. It's so easy to predict the future. And if you're wrong, then people aren't angry at all. Because you were simply wrong about a negative outcome, and it was really positive so people are happy. Am I making sense? wobble wobble... It wouldn't matter, anyway. No, I'm not sure of anything. No, I can't make you promises. No, this won't be easy. I can't predict the future. All I can do is work hard at making a good future happen. With or without support and someone believing in me... wobble wobble... that's still what I have to do. For me, that's what I have to do. To you, the answers are so obvious. My thighs are bruised and hurt because I cut too deep last night. I feel like shit. Meh. I'm so fucked. I don't cut for release. Not all the time. I cut for punishment usually. To punish myself. I cut last night to punish myself for the way I felt. I deserve to SuffEr... I do. I hate me. I really really do. Someone fucking shoot me I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid to dream. My dreams are my worst enemy. My dreams are my best friend. My blade is my best friend, as it gashes at my skin. I feel sick. I wanna DIE. Yes indeed I do. I hate life. I hate everything. Maybe I should just OD . That sounds lovely. Or maybe I can just shove a needle in my vein and see what happens.Neh, maybe I'm just going crazy. Yeah, that's probly it. But then begs the question. How can I go crazy if I'm already crazy? GOOD QUESTION! And you're right. You're already fucked I complain so much. Indeed I do. Very muchly so. Especially to you. I'm just burdenning iyou with my own problems. I need to be shot. What a selfish bitch It hurts s0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o much It stings. I know what you're thinking "Don't cut if it hurts" I can't help it. How could they possible understand what I'm going through? Meh, if they knew, then they wouldn't be all "blah blah blah don't cut yadda yadda it's not healthy neh ne neh" That's all I hear and I never really listen. Not much to listen to, anyway. I tried last night. Tried to just fucking end it all. But once again,someone fouond me. Once again, I cut into my flesh to pierce my guilt and bleed away my shame, but no matter how much blood I spill I still rot inside because I'm filled with bad blood and cannot drain it all. Bloody tears pour down my cheeks as I watch the nightmares spill I saw myself in the mirror and I'm covered from head to toe in scars. Meh, I have them everywhere and they're so ugly and meh. "I understand you needing to cut, just please, don't use razors. I'm scared you'll cut too deep. If you need to cut, use a knife and be careful" ... So now it's okay to fucking cut?!?? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!