I don't know what I hate worse. That I think about him all day, or that hes all I can write about.

On wednesday I will be nineteen years old. I don't even care. Whats the point of enjoying life when your alone. When you have no friends that you like or even respect, and the man you love threw you away like your nothing. I'm trying to be okay. I think I'm okay. I guess I'm so blank faced. Nothings fun. I don't even enjoy life. People say you dont need a man, no ...you don't need anything. But love. Life is not worth living if you do not have someone by your side. I get up everyday alone...and I go to bed alone. It used to be okay. I know it was a hard relationship but I used to be okay. I used to wake up alone...but at the end of the night...I always had him. Not anymore. I don't have anyone. Not anyone that is supposed to be there anyways. Family. Family is there. But I want him. I don't even find anyone else attractive. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to hook up with anyone. I only want his lips. His hands. His embrace. ANd since I can't have it. I don't want anyone else. and that. >Thats love< THeres not an hour in a day where I don't think about him. Maybe he will move on. The thought alone devastates me. But I. I will never be okay without him. Why? How? How is it so easy for you? Now all I have left is devastating and pathetic memories of the people who betrayed me or I guess...I betrayed. how could I hurt such a beautiful person? Hes better off without me. and maybe I'm better off without you. Maybe not because saying that will never sound nor feel right.

I hate looking at all these old fucking entries that are just words wasted. Words that are meaningless. I'm so sick of the past. I'm so sick of living it, feeling it everyday, breathing it everyday and being entirely consumed by it. He left. again. This time. Theres no turning back. I don't know whos the bigger fool. Me for believing you. Or you. For doing the things you do. Your words. Are fucking meaningless. they are fucking obsolete. All I have done this past year is wait and wait for you. This same time last year I wasn't with you. I wanted so bad to be with you. You left again before my birthday. Before Valentines day. I don't understand. I guess I'm not good enough. I'm not worth it. Your young. Your turning 21. Do what it is that makes you happy because I don't. Your words made me sick to my stomach. You speak of love yet your words contradict everything you say and the way you act. "I'll stay just because I promised. To make you happy." as he gives me the most pathetic hug I have ever received in my life. FUck you. YOu know nothing of love. You know nothing of marriage because you are constantly quitting. Just like your family. Well guess what. I didn't quit. I'd never quit. Because your worth it. Because the fights, the aggravation, the waiting was going to be worth it. I hate myself for taking you back. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself for being so fucking weak. I hate myself for my insecurities. I hate myself for not being able to let you go. For not being able to move on. You have no idea how much pain you have caused me. "I don't need your promises. Your lies." The worst part about it is... I still want you. But I'll NEVER take you back. I'm so fucking broken. My heart. My head. My body. It all hurts. You make it hurt. Your the only one who can take the pain away. But your the only one who causes it. Take it away Take it away Take this pain away baby. Please. Please. Please fucking take it away. Its going to take everything inside of me to hide this pain. I can't breathe.

I get confused inside my own thoughts. The thoughts are always questioned, but never the feeling. I don't know why I have fallen so hard. I don't know why I can't get him out of my mind. I don't know why he is in my dreams. I hate this. I hate the fact that as soon as I pull away he comes close. As soon as he comes close I pull away. We won't ever be together. That is not exaggeration, that is a fact. I just want to embrace and soak everything he is entirely until I am satisfied..until I feel transformed. I am craving for it. Will I be disappointed?> Will I feel satisfied? Will it all wash away like everything else. Hes like the ocean to me. The waves come back and forth, always washing away, and bringing back. ALways washing up something new, unknown, but real. He is always bringing about these new feelings consistantly back and forth. While all these feelings throb through my body. He is like those waves. Sometimes small, sometimes big, sometimes aggressive, sometimes gentle. He can never wash me away eniterly because he always brings me back. But no matter what. No matter where you are in life. No matter what state of mind you are in. No matter where your located, the ocean will ALWAYS be beautiful at any moment. Storm, pollution, people...whatever it is, it never takes away from this illusion the ocean portrays. This illusion of beauty is always left untouched. No matter what he does to me, no matter what he doesn't do, no matter what he says, no matter how he acts, he will always be beautiful to me. Because no one sees his beauty like I do. So they beauty he portrays is noticed by me and whether the people around him change him, affect him, refuse to comprehend him, or destroy him, his beauty will always be untouched. It is real. The only difference is that his beauty is not an illusion. and I ....will always hate him for that. But I will always love him for that.

and I'll keep telling myself that I don't love him. That I don't care about him. Doesn't matter anymore. NO one is there. He is gone.

The question isn't what do you do when your not weak enough to commit suicide but not strong enough to live... its what do you do when your not strong enough to commit suicide but not weak enough to live... because after all when I look around all I see is weakness... you either fade, conform or fight. I can't fight, I won't fight, I won't conform... I'm fading but I don't care. You win. I don't care.

I love him with everything that I am. He doesn't see it. I mean real love. Real love where hes in my dreams, my thoughts, my words. I couldn't sleep for months after we weren't getting along and he ignored me. Every kiss is as passionate as the first as if I could never feel again without it. He has the clearest perception on society. I literally couldn't breathe when he said there was nothing left. Hes the most beautiful, intelligent, intreguing, strong, ignorant, adamant person I know. Although he sees and never looks...he is flawed. I love all his flaws, I love all his perfections. usually when people get what they want...they no longer want it. When I got him..i wanted him...and I still do...I drifted to something different and at the moment made me happy...but in reality only one person can fill my emptiness entirely and that is him. NO one else. Everyone else only substitutes. He knows this...so I ask myself Can I let him go... because I have the sense to recognize that I cannot but I must for I can't go on any longer. What do you do when your not weak enough to commit sucide but your not strong enough to live?

Can I get a second chance? Will I make the same mistakes again? Would YOU give EVERYTHING up for love. Insecurities, job, pride, independence...YOURSELF. ...can I give EVERYTHING up for love? I know the answer. The action is so much harder.

Would you rather be around those considered blind? Take me as you please. I NEVER asked for this. Because sometimes I wish I was FUCKING blind like you. Feel nothing. See nothing. I'm more alive than you...and I'm dead inside.

Can this emptiness forever subside? I think the worst feeling besides betrayal...beyond disappointment...is feeling abandoned.

Its weird how it takes months...and he finally fills that emptiness inside of me. and within a matter of days...I'm empty again.

The Brilliant words of Chris: "ur leaving the relationship truly saying that u felt love..u expreienced that one thing that drives all of mankind and inspires all poets and philosophers...u felt something..no one can ever take that away...and its obvious that thru him u have learned alot about urself..insecurities..strengths...uve evolved into more of a unique individual...so regardless, for some period of time, u still felt something ..and thats more than alot can say"

I look around and I don't like what I see. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. Maybe I think too much. Maybe that isn't even it. But for some reason these two weeks off from school have not been what I expected, but nothing is anyways. I miss EVERYTHING about him. These last days have been hard. I've let the past haunt me but I cannot seem to help it. I miss EVERYTHING from the past. I don't have anything to look forward to except my future. Anything is a bad word I suppose since my future is ultimatly my life. I have no passion I have no desire... its taking a toll on me. All along I looked down on those who were dependent on people. But I guess in the end I have sadly come to realize I AM dependent on people. Maybe thats not even it...I can't explain it. I just need that person to bring out the qualities in me that I cannot bring out myself alone. And for that... I find myself weak. I love the computer. I can delete my words so easily. My thoughts so easily. Someone said something to me yesterday... I have no respect for those who ruin themselves and their life and then cannot take responsibility for their actions. Yet...I miss her. Do I miss her as a person, Do I miss her insight, or do I just miss the attatchment? He is right. If you cannot change those around you, You should work on changing yourself. Because we all have qualities we do not like about ourselves. Maybe that will be my inspiration, my goal. To work on the qualities that I do not like about myself and maybe then I can be more satisfied. "Honesty is a hard attribute to find When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out I may be the first to say that I DON'T HAVE A CLUE I don't have all the answers "

I'm not suprised. In a way I don't know If I blame her. I just thought maybe for once things would be different. But I've sadly learned from the past. It never is. So I learned some things about myself. Do I ever really know what I want? Does anyone really know. As soon as we get it, we don't want it. When we don't get it, we want it more then ever. Some kind of craving. I thought I wanted him. I thought he wanted me. "I feel like you don't know what you want, and its hard for you not to let work ruin you." "Its the truth." But a few days ago... "what do you want out of this?" "I don't know. I'm not looking for the one like you are, I'm in it for everything." Why are you insulting my view on whatever "this" is, when in reality you openly admitted your scared to hurt me and you don't know what you want. Now I ask you. Why are you in this? because honestly my answer hasn't changed. ON another note. How can someone with such a beautiful mind have such an ugly soul? THen I think...maybe its the other way around.

It's like you lost something completely. You never thought it could come back because your just that kind of person that can't believe that. Then one day its back. But then you realize that it never went away...it was never lost completely...just found again.

Closure. What a perfect word. I have a lot built up inside of me from the past. I don't understand how everyone can let it go. I can't seem to. Not only that but some things I know I will never be able to let go. Monday was a good day for me. A relationship in the past was finally ended for me. Now when I pass his street after getting gas I can smile.

SCHOOL IS OUT!!!

I'm never told that i am pretty I'm never told that i am kind And my soul burns now with fire Deep inside I want to become brave and courageous Not buried in self-pity of my own Ashamed and alone from all That's been done to me It's not my fault i remind myself You say you don't be afraid But i feel afraid You say you don't laugh or cry But i show emotion You say food will be on the table And birds in the sky But i'm hungry So hungry And it's cloudy outside You never loved me like a daughter You never even loved yourself And now you treat me like a burden Just another object on your shelf I want you to know that i love you And this pain that i carry's not my own Ashamed and alone From all that's been done to you It's not your fault I remind myself No matter what i've done Or is done to me Nothing unforgivable Or unable to be set free

i love this song. Send angels, send angels, send angels Show me you love me Send angels, send angels, send angels Show me you love me He felt alone and again unkind He knew there was trouble with this war inside So to feel young he did what he felt was best Emptiness filling every vain He must be going insane To leave an entire world behind Crying the tears he lost as a child He couldn’t even recognize The frail and injured man that he’d become Trace of his compromise Shattering his desperate tries Everyone makes a mistake now and then

there's nothing I'd like better than to fall