I am animated. On the inside coming out. I feel like a walking cartoon character with a narrator and soundtrack in my head. I can't explain what I see and how it feels. It's something I just recently started experiencing. Before it was only something I talked about, but I suppose since I had considered it so often my mind has transformed everything into everything I want it to see.

It's been a really long time since I've even thought about this site. It might have even been a year now. I'm getting ready to go back to Baltimore now. My tour in Korea is over. For the last almost seven months I have transformed into a person I don't know. I've avoided all feelings, my journal, and emotions. I have become this numb android. I went into this mode the night my grammy passed away. I lost everything. Atleast that's what it felt like, but for the first time in my life I have not been able to cry. I've been to multiple funerals in the last two years and was able to get it out, but I couldn't even cry at my Graham cracker's funeral. It's been an awful experience. I've been numb since. I don't really feel anything or get close to people. I just walk around like a droid. I have horrible flashbacks of watching her

I live in my world alone. My own world. I have aquaintances, but nothing more. I have almost completely become a recluse. I live by my instant memory maker,cds, and my own rules. I've grown out of the young adult life crisis phase finally, that was a frightening one, but finding constant friends are hard to come by here so I'm doing the thing i know how to do best. be alone. I can't stop thinking about the day that i will be free again. I usually put it to the back of my mind, but lately, all i can think is i cant wait. I can't wait to be free again. It just repeats itself in my head like a broken record. I cant wait to experience fresh air and that feeling of being alive again. I'm saving all my money as much as possible while im in the army so i can just backpack alone for a long time when im done with this. I want to see beauty in nature and people again.

this is not what i want out of life. dont woo me, dont think im going to give up everything for you too. there are better things to look forward to in life other than love. yeah yeah say you wanna show me the light, please dont. im not bitter, i just think im better off not to set myself up for disappointment. lets spare ourselves. ha we dont live in fairy tales ok?

apparently I've been scammed. hmm. isnt this some shit. ahhhah. man its funny. it really is. I sacrificed everything for a better life, to give my brother a better chance. Maybe he wouldn't have to struggle like i did i thought. Yeah well I'm getting fucked in the ass..repeatedly, not literally. i made the choice. so its almost an internal battle. im searching for the inspiration and the determination to suck it up. because thats whats expected. man im human. i really do have feelings when im pretending i dont. im required to pretend i dont feel, because im a "soldier", not a hero. but then i started to think, there are better ways to do this. i shouldnt have to be unhappy. i want nothing more than to be a woman of my word, and fufill my commitment, to the papers, my brother is my inspiration, because i want to provide for him a better chance at life, but i already have enough money for him to go to college,but i don't believe anyone deserves to live this kind of life, except maybe for the ignorant who have come to accept the circumstances of the choice we made. they prefer the security. and people inside this so called "mafia" don't understand when someone realizes this is not where they're meant to be. its complicated. i took that oath so i could be free, but it was like looking in the window and not really knowing whats for sale but you take the chance out of desperation and buy what they have to offer. i bought a life in a cage. i hate waking up everyday, people tell me how to live my life, how it will be spent, how to fold my underwear, and they call this normal. Ahha this isnt normal. Breaking free is constantly underneath itching at my skin, but how. how do i accomplish this? am i making the right choice? it sounds selfish, but i've seriously considered, just leaving and doing what i want with my life. people back home, the ones you leave behind, i left everything behind and its been a struggle. i didnt know i would have to give everything up. i never thought id be on the other side of the playing field, to find freedom you must give it up and im learning the hard way. i never realized the sacrifices made until i had to make them myself. im not a hero because i made these sacrifices though so dont get the wrong idea. im starting to understand the angst of other people in the business. we gave up all freedoms to give everyone else theirs and i dont even think that they could even come close to understanding how it feels to be in this position until you've walked the two moons. we live lonely, bitter lives.. i wont settle though and i refuse to give up.

my insides are on fire. it hurts so much. its good to spend all your time alone, but only if you dont notice your lonely. It finally hit me. I'm human and I miss human contact, human conversation, human passion. And I thought I was handling it quite well, but i suppose i was lying to myself. I guess you know it's bad if you really have to convince yourself you don't feel something, because you don't want it to come out or show. Natural instinct of protecting yourself. i can't even describe how it felt last night to realize how alone i really felt. i feel pathetic. But i'm really struggling to cope. Unfortunately I do not have an answer and most people who aren't alone don't understand because they dont remember what it's like to have that void. This void is eating me alive. I want to be positive and ok, but I don't want to settle. I don't quite know what I'm going to do about it. I'm sitting here at the very bottom and i think i might just stay here a while until I can learn to love being alone. I'm afraid sometimes that what i had planned for life isnt what my life had planned for me. Love and happiness. Maybe thats not on my agenda. Look at Jane Austen, who, wrote some of the best love stories of all time and she never experienced love herself. She died alone. But most people who are capable of the greatest love ever placed on earth don't find in return the greatest love. It's usually shitty and bitter love. I know my outlook is horribly negative and cynical, but at this point I really don't give a shit. I've realized i have a self-issue and I'm opening up about it. People are awfully nice sometimes, but we don't all see ourselves as others see us. It's complicated. I really just want to run away for good.

i realized today, its awkward talking to my own brothers who ive grown up with, because we dont talk anymore, my sister didnt even want to talk to me on the phone and i havent talked to her in a long time.is this what happens mom? is this what happens when we grow up? talking to my own brothers becomes awkward and we were best friends when we were kids.

sometimes i suppose its a curse to be an idealist who can still see reality and life as it is, because then everything turns into a burden. i dont just think too much anymore, i walk with the weight of the world and pressures of being a realist and just growing up on my shoulders, my brain feels similar to a puzzle right now, a very complicated, aching stupid puzzle.

I spend alot of time alone now. its ok. its an adjustment and sometimes rather slow, but not very much boring.

i still have some bottled up anger id like to dish out to you. you always turned it around on me, making me feel like the crazy one, well you deserved the words that fell on your ear. i hope they linger and swell. just because im moving past doesnt mean its gonna be easy. and im okay with opening up about it on here now, i need to get it out. you dont even deserve to be baggage.

What’s wrong baby, don’t they treat you like they should? Did you take ’em for it? Every penny that you could? We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand. Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things then only to pretend. Don’t you know I’m thinkin’, drivin’ 405 past midnight. You know I miss you. Don’t you know that I miss you? Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night. I would write to you from a museum mile, toast to you: your whisper, your smile. Up the stairs at the Weatherford, a ghost each place I hide. If you don’t don't know, why would you say so? Would you mean this please if it happens? If you don’t know, why would you say so? Won’t you get your story straight. If you don’t know, honey, why'd you just say so? And I need this now more than I ever did. If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t. I left you waiting, at the least could we be friends? Should have never started, ain’t that the way it always ends? On my life I'll try today, there’s so much I've felt I should say, but. Even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain. If you don't don't know, why'd you say so? Would you mean this please if it happens? If you don’t know, why would you say so? Won’t you get your story straight. If you don’t know, honey, why'd you just say so? Cause I need this now more than I ever did. If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t. So here we are now, a sip of wine a sip of water. Someday maybe, maybe someday we’ll be smarter. And I’m sorry that I’m such a mess, I drank all my money could get and, took everything you let me have and then I never loved you back. If you don’t don't know, why would you say so? Would you mean the please if it happens? If you don’t know, why would you say so? Won’t you get your story straight? If you don’t know, honey, why'd you just say so? Cause I need this now yeah need this, need this. If you don’t well, honey, then you don’t And if you don’t well, honey, then you don’t If you don’t know, honey, honey, then you don’t.

triumphantly i prevailed. it took some time, but it came back around. its about time. its been a year since ive seen corey. we dated for quite a while and were supposed to move to miami together, but he cheated and dumped me painfully, turned my friends against me and made me feel worthless. it was an ugly breakup and it took awhile to get over. i ended up going to costa rica for awhile to grow and escape it. well i was at the bar last night for janes 21st birthday and of all people i would run into, it would be him. he was telling me how he works at an appliance store, he had a huge beer gut, and he looked like mr. clean. he kept telling me i looked amazing and wanted to buy me drinks which i turned down. he even called me today wanting to take me to lunch.i never returned his call. i walked away with my friends laughing gloriously at the way life happens. i thought i had been the loser on the end of that one last year, but now i dont feel so stupid. for the first time i felt like the winner. and it felt damn good. i like to keep this in mind. your gonna meet people, and your gonna throw away good things on people who arent worth it. well remember later down the road. some people just age, and some just get prettier with age. those are the ones we always throw away and regret. because we felt that we must meet the current condition instead of setting ourselves up for tomorrow.

your letters, cards and feelings were bullshit. our 8 month friendship was bullshit.you were the one who wanted to keep in touch and always be friends, but you never attempt to even call,its almost like i dont even exist, you only call if its convenient or your lonely, if thats the way you want it though, ill make it happen,but i dont think you know what your asking for. its alot easier to erase you from my life then to keep you in it. and you can tell yourself it doesnt matter but you know thats not how you feel at all. everyone was right about you. you never deserved a second of my time. and i hope when your with her, its not the same, i hope its empty, easy, filled with unintelligent conversation, alcohol and everything meaningless, and when her beauty fades you have nothing, because there was nothing in it to start. man it takes a silly girl to lie about the things she had, but man it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never had it at all.

im leaving again soon. im home from baltimore. i leave for korea october 21. i missed home, but i could never go back to living here, and i hate being in one place too long, its unhealthy in my state of being. i prefer to go quicker than the fog in the morning, i dont like leaving foot prints. but this is what i do. this is how ive lived my life. and this is how i will always live my life. its not about me. its almost like my purpose. people dont come and go in my life, i come and go through theirs. simply put i am a tool. a tool in other people's lives. i dont live self sacrificingly, i just live and leave. there doesnt need to be reason or explanation for it, thats just the way it is.

two days left and life slaps me with a necessary change of heart once again. why now? i was walking away with my whole heart. it was gonna be easy. but now i feel that sense of urgency and im scared. dammit. now is not a good time to be telling me you love me. because i love you. i love you with my whole heart and yes... i am scared to lose you. but what the hell can i do about it? i cant make your decisions for you. you let that girl haunt you. shes always the elephant in the room. i hate that. you dont need that in your life. that isnt love its fear. fear of moving outside your comfort zone. let it go. its history.

dissappointment. i feel it in the pit of my stomach. im not dissappointed in him though, i dont expect anything from him, im dissappointed in myself. i let myself down. i lost complete sight of my self worth. i constantly let him convince my conscience im not worth the hard work and im not worth a nice note or compliment. how did i get this deep? how did i ever let him think he didnt need to be a gentleman or respect me. i promised myself i would never stand to be undermined by a man with no couth. and i promised to never settle for less than the high standards i once held so proudly. is it possible, im that weak for him, that i would start to re-evaluate who i am and whether or not im good enough. i dont deserve someone good, i deserve someone great. i really shouldve walked away a long time ago. and now its too late because im leaving and it wouldnt really be considered walking away. i know exactly what i want in a man, and he is everything ive never wanted. and still for some reason i dont just stick to doing what i know ive needed to do for a long time.

i go back and re-read some of these entries and ive grown alot since i left home last year. i dont even know if im the same person anymore. i used to be so angry at being stuck and money was just a burden. everythings so weird. its like im in the space between who i was and who im supposed to be. i dont feel that sense of urgency i used to feel. i dont know. i dont know. but i gotta get a shower before work. ill update later.

i would have told you that you looked good as i walked away. the clock is ticking, four days and i think your a fool. take a pen and some notes and keep telling yourself you didnt let her get away. convincing yourself is all you really have left. she knew she was stupid and shes not ashamed, shes not scared to love, because shell learn to love again. you think your the constant thought in her head, but your not thinking clearly. she lives everyday like its her last, shes aware forever isnt promised, only something we practice. shes got a bigger plan to worry about. she doesnt see the big picture shes a part of it. as you look at the nameless, countless girls who come and go theyll never be as constant as the faith she had in you. even when shes gone her laughter will linger in your ear, her passion for human beings youll start to miss in other people, because you wont see it. when you were too busy looking at what else life could throw at you the whole world was in the palm of your hands.

well im winding down to my last nine days here in baltimore at student company. ive started to separate myself from people already so that when i leave i wont really feel anything. a natural instinct of self protection i guess. ive constantly been back and forth with my feelings lately anyways. i think im emotionally drained. so i kinda need to do this. i dont really know how to feel about alot of stuff right now. but i wont let desperation to fix things or make drastic decisions get the best of me. i have two feet and i can stand on them. on my own. im not even gonna begin to express myself on the circumstance i spoke of once before, its been a little more than i wanted. a little bit of hell sometimes. i have no regrets though. you live and learn. i think i just wish things had been a little less complicated and maybe a little more time to love. i have no problem saying i loved him. i would never admit it to anyone else, but i had nothing to lose, and i gave everything. thats what life is about. living.

Just want to record this for my own memory's sake, for i am very forgetfull. Went to the virgin mobile festival this past weekend with moore. it was amazing. foo fighters stole the show. saw andrew bird, finally, taking back sunday, stone temple pilots, offspring, lil wayne, wilco, paramore, moby, jack johnson, nine inch nails, bob dylan, gorgol bordelli, sharon jones, iggy pop and the three stooges. it was a nice vacation from my real life. and it was definitely nice to just have some time with moore. which has been an ongoing complicance for 7 months now. trial and error trial and error. but he seems like hes really been trying hard to show me he wants to stick around. im trying to just be patient and not really worry about it. but hes become my best friend more than anything and i would take that over everything else anyday. i dont know, sometimes he makes me wanna pull out my hair and were so different but then thats why i have so much fun with him bc he interests me, its never boring and theres always something to talk or laugh about. i dont know where this is going, but this is the first time ive talked about it, bc i dont really like to spill those things on here anymore. its just a circumstance.