my insides are on fire. it hurts so much. its good to spend all your time alone, but only if you dont notice your lonely. It finally hit me. I'm human and I miss human contact, human conversation, human passion. And I thought I was handling it quite well, but i suppose i was lying to myself. I guess you know it's bad if you really have to convince yourself you don't feel something, because you don't want it to come out or show. Natural instinct of protecting yourself. i can't even describe how it felt last night to realize how alone i really felt. i feel pathetic. But i'm really struggling to cope. Unfortunately I do not have an answer and most people who aren't alone don't understand because they dont remember what it's like to have that void. This void is eating me alive. I want to be positive and ok, but I don't want to settle. I don't quite know what I'm going to do about it. I'm sitting here at the very bottom and i think i might just stay here a while until I can learn to love being alone. I'm afraid sometimes that what i had planned for life isnt what my life had planned for me. Love and happiness. Maybe thats not on my agenda. Look at Jane Austen, who, wrote some of the best love stories of all time and she never experienced love herself. She died alone. But most people who are capable of the greatest love ever placed on earth don't find in return the greatest love. It's usually shitty and bitter love. I know my outlook is horribly negative and cynical, but at this point I really don't give a shit. I've realized i have a self-issue and I'm opening up about it. People are awfully nice sometimes, but we don't all see ourselves as others see us. It's complicated. I really just want to run away for good.