I’m having one of those nights where I am staring at the computer screen, completely oblivious to everything around me. It seems as if I am no longer staring at the screen anymore, nor the wall behind it. It feels like I’m not staring, as staring would prove to have some sort of objective. I don’t know what to describe it, because I’m not staring at anything. It beings to feel that everything becomes numb, and the music I began to listen to is no longer present. It feels like I am departing. I can’t remember what I was looking at or what I had just heard from whatever I was listening to. All I know is that my heart is beating and my head is thinking. But it feels like every time I try and speak, a mixture of jumbled words fall loosely out of my mouth. It feels like every time I feel, it mixes into something ethereal. It feels like every time I see, my vision becomes blurred. I just try to focus on nothing for once. Just for once, I want to know what it feels like to be invisible- to not have any care in the world and to stop thinking; to not exist anymore and to just observe with a resulting dull mind. I just don’t stop staring. My screen is no longer a screen, nor is anything. I’m falling through nothing, thinking of nothing, being nothing. But every now and then, a single piece of grass pulls it’s head out of the maternal earth and shouts thoughts at myself: thoughts that I have been trying to suppress; thoughts that have been making me insane; thoughts that have lost their meaning because I have seen them too much. I just wonder. I’m always wondering and never answering anything. I just wonder if I’m right. I wonder if everyone else is right. I wonder if this time is different. And thus, this train of thoughts instigated by the grass begins a rapid acceleration of other thoughts to melt into one carousel of spinning pictures- making less sense than before. I have found out that I am gullible to my own misconceptions this way. I am too busy trying to sort everything out that I miss the people standing by, watching the carousel spinning out of control. I just want to know so I can stop worrying; so I can stop thinking- so I can get some peace. I feel tomorrow coming, reaping the same result as the last two days have- and I don’t want to feel that anymore. I want to know; I want to learn; I want to understand. Sometimes, I just don’t understand anything. All I want is to be back- and I have a fear of what has happened will never happen again.