Seems like its been almost 5 years since I last wrote here >>

Might use this diary a bit more now with the way life is going. Got a lot on my plate right now. Seems like every time I get back on my feet and start living a happy life again somethings there to knock me right back down. I want a break from it all but I know its not gonna happen. Lately all I feel is sad and alone. Theres no one to talk to really and the one person I can talk to has already put up with me for long enough. I notice I even started to break down and cry at night. I can't handle all of the stress right now. I have so much I need/want to do right now that I can't bare the fact that I am unable to do any of it. Truth is that ever since I moved to this state I've never really had any friends that I could count on. I just need to get it out everything that's on my mind.

First I've always had issues with my biological father. He's never been there for me so I've never counted on him for anything. All he could ever do was make empty promises. Well about 2 years ago before i graduated High School my littlest brother was born. He then used my brother as an excuse not to come to my graduation. I've never really asked him to be there for me since I know he does this to me every time. But just that once I wanted him to be there so that i could show him how much I had grown up and how I was able to do things on my own. Of course after he sent me the letter BRAGGING about HIS NEW BORN SON THAT HE ALWAYS WANTED and how my graduation was unimportant to him I knew why he always treated me like he did. The sad thing is now my little sister will have to go through the same thing as me. I feel so bad for her knowing I have barely made it through with this without having to live with him. Well since then i haven't had contact with him. I refused to give him my new address and phone number. I feel ten times better now that I don't have to deal with him anymore but that still doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Every time people talk about their dads I get a bit depressed cause I've never known what its like to have a real dad. I mean I've never called my biological father dad like I meant it. The only time was when he and his wife forced me other than that I've always called him by his name. Of course I'm not gonna put his name on the internet.

Second comes my living situation. Right now since i switched jobs we've been having problems paying the bills. Plus the place we live in is falling apart. Between the NOISY NEIGHBORS UPSTAIRS and the sewer backing up every were in the house thanks to the NEIGHBORS UPSTAIRS pouring grease down the drains I get hardly any sleep/rest. I constantly feel sick from both the smell and not sleeping. This is just a few of the problems with were we live but since we're going to be moving shortly I'm not gonna stress to much about it anymore.

I would write more but this is good for now I got one of my problems wrote out completely tonight and a bit of another. I have more but it'll have to wait till later. I still have to sleep sometime this morning before I go to work.

Night Everyone,

Tsume

tip for 10-27-05