In a way I guess... I'm not really sure why I came back to this. I'm being drawn to it for some strange psychotic reason. Maybe because it's been a year since I created it. Pots... yeah. It annoys me. There is not much going on in my life ofther than the fact that i've been in a hospital for... meh. Name: Age: Mood: Why You're Here: SCALES: Anger: Anxiety: Depression: Suicidal thoughts: Personal Goal: over and over and over. monotonous. i bought 6 books today at DI. then i got icecream. I'm curently at my dad's house, watching tv and waiting to play the guitar. I got picks for it. so I am happy. I just heard thunder. I consider winter over now. I'm going to go outside and just sit in it and let it pour on me, perhaps it will blow me away.

I am so.... I don't know. I fucking love her. She loves me too. I feel like i've been ripped apart at the seams.... we were in love with eachother and we didn't know it... and now.......... i guess... we do. "braces are hot" "I thought she was beautiful, but I changed it to cool." "I can't get over that night..." "that was the one time I wanted her as more than a friend." "she was in LOVE with this fucking girl." .... "i love you too." I just want to be near her right now. with her..... something. i wish we had to go shopping tonight.... I wish....... so much. I love her..... Is that why it's always hurt so fucking bad?

la...... happy birthday i wish i knew how to sign it. oh well. la la la la oh yes. it hurts.

Last night.... I fell. Harder than I ever wanted to... I broke. Something inside of me... I couldn't face another night of crying myself to sleep all alone... I'd been thinking about it a while, and I pushed a pin through my skin. It didn't hurt until I tried to break through the other side. But it hurt and I smiled... It bled and I felt happy... I had to write about it... in the poem book... in my journal... "that was a good one.. i'm fucking floating. pain. alot of it. you can see/feel the bump but only the hole because of the blood. i'm shaking... tired now... my left arm tingles like crazy... I'm shaking so bad. It hasn't been like this for a while...I want to sleep... I want my mommy" As I wrote that my mind went to that place that horrifies me.. that someday no matter what happens in life... I'm going to die. Everythign I've ever done will be for naught. Nothing will matter. That shook me up so bad... I started crying... And I couldn't just sit alone and be okay again.... I went to my mommy. I cried while she held me... I told her I think I need to talk to someone... I told her tiny pieces of whats in my mind... I wrote a poem type thing... Crying in my mommy's arms so many questions to be asked So many things I want to say I need help Mommy, I don't want to die, Mommy, I'm afraid. I dont want to tell my daddy. I don't want him to be ashamed... Will this really stop the hurt? Is it possible to be fixed? Step by step I suppose NO more crying all alone. No more bleeding just to feel. Crying in my mommy's arms... In time, perhaps, I'll heal. 45 minutes she held me while I cried. I felt so bad. I just wanted to say "i'm sorry" over and over and over and over and over. "it's so hard to say that" say what? "that I need help..." sweetheart I know, but it takes a very strong person to realize that. that set me off again. If i were strong would I hurt myself or resort to violence? If I'm so strong, why do I feel like giving up? my blanet was soaked with tears. she told me to nag her, nag her until she yells at me... yell at dad about it... so that he'll yell at her. SHe felt so bad we never got me help before... before when she KNEW about it. daddy didn't know about it before... he asked about the cuts and i had to lie to him... I don't want to have to tell him... "he doesn't know me" she was quiet a moment... even sometimes... i feel like I don't "its because I push people away." you shouldn't... "I know I shouldn't." She got quiet again for a minute. I listened to our breathing and tried to calm myself down.I know... it's easier to push people away, than to let them in and get hurt. I thought......... that's exactly it. She toldme to take some ibuprofen and go to sleep... I didn't even manage to fall asleep for a long time. the last time I looked at the clock it was 12:27... and I don't know how long after it was that I fell asleep.. I kept waking up. I had dreams. About HER. She tried to smile and be my friend... amazingly I snubbed her off. I dreamt I had a razorblade... I wish i did. I woke up.... tossed and turned for an hour but never went back to sleep. at 6:00 on the button she woke me up. "what do you want for breakfast sweetie?" While she was getting my icecream... i pulled out my mirror and looked at myself... my eyes are puffy... swolen. opening them to where it hurts, they still look half closed... my cheeks are still slightly pink. they hurt when i touch them. My nose is runny. I think I'm getting sick. I took the carton back out to the kitchen and sat in my room until 6:40... trying to stay awake. I'm exhausted.. I feel like shit, look like shit... and I need a day. I didn't want to go to school. I walked down the hall to their room and asked. Mommy? can i stay home today? she said yes barely after I finished... I went back into my room, turned the light off, and got back into bed. Iris joined me. My nurse kitty knows when I need her. Mom came in and asked if I wanted her to stay home. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I won't do this again. I felt like crying... I asked her to stay home with me in 7th grade... I can't do that again... "are you going to be alright by yourself?" yes... I promise. "okay. I love you... see you later." I fell back asleep... I woke up 1/2 hour ago. My mind feels incapable of comprehending what I did last night... I want to eat... and sleep more... blow off everything... but I don't want to go back to that... I felt cried out last night, but here I am, tears dripping down my cheeks. If I've taken a step towards the better, why does it seem like I'm at the bottom? why does it feel like I'm drowning in all of this? I should be proud of myself... but I'm not. I want my mommy to come back now. EDIT ... I didn't expect that to happen so quickly.. am I ready for this?

Your Birthdate: August 17 You tend to find yourself lucky - both in business and in life. And while being wealthy is nice, you enjoy sharing your abundance with others. You put your luck to good use: you are very ambitious and goal oriented. Often times, you get over excited and take on more than you can manage. Your strength: Your ability to make your own luck Your weakness: Thinking you can do it all Your power color: Bronze Your power symbol: Half Moon Your power month: August What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Things feel worse right now than they did last year... I hate it. I have a headache. She looked at my eyes today... she says there was no color in them... that they were the darkest gray she'd ever seen... I looked at them a couple minutes ago... they are nearly black... they are fucking dark.... and when i got up close i could see little tiny shafts of pale pale bluish gray... I hurts.....she threw it at my head. She put acid on my eyeshadow.... "Kloby" was nice enough to warn me about that... Mom is angry. We offered her a place to fucking stay if her father beat her. AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID??? Chambray said they're threatening to jump me. I want to die..... I will either way. whether I do it or not. It's scarier thinking that someday I'll be lying in a bed and I will just vanish.... It's scarier than having control of it... I'm going to take a pill... drink one of those things tomorrow if they're still any good...... There is nothign without pain. I feel daggers in my side with every step i take.... every thought is like a knife... All I ever wanted was love...... the little online dating heart on my searchbar looks like its bleeding. what a coincidence.

So... Christmas is in 2 days. These last several years it hasn't felt anything like Christmas until Christmas is actually here. This year, I've gotten some fairly minor glimpses of it, like when the tree went up, when we were fighting with the sprinkles, but it still hasn't felt like christmas as a whole. THere is not even any snow on the ground outside right now. It's supposed to get to 51 degrees today. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It's really hard to believe for me. I am supposed to go to the grandma's house today when tonyo gets off school... mum let me play hookey today Which is nice. Official miss of a blue day for no goddamned reason at all.. It's not even "Christ"mas anymore.. It's just mas to me. I don't believe... I truly don't. And it makes my mother sad and after yesterday in Sara's seminary class... oh my god. I just want Christmas to come so those smiles can be here. I will try my best to hide the disappointment.

I don't know why I ever hoped.... There is nothing to keep me here anymore. I am just... angry I guess. THe words mean nothing. Nothing does anymore. Drunk on shadows and lost in a lie....

"Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance to Anything)" By the Dead Milkmen from Bucky Felinni She'll dance to anything You'll dance to anything Okay, look at you Don't you look like Siouxsie Sioux How long did it take to get that way What a terrible waste of energy You wear black clothes say you're poetic The sad truth is you're just pathetic Get into the groove get out of my way I came here to drink not to get laid So why don't you just go on home If you want to moan you'll have to moan alone You'll dance to anything... You'll dance to anything... Don't try to tell me that you're an intellectual Cause you're just another born bisexual ("I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party") Blow it out your hair cause you work at Hardees 80 pounds of make up on your art school skin 80 points of I.Q. located within Know what you are? You're a bunch of ... Artfags! Artfags! Choke on this you dance-a-teria types! You'll dance to anything by the Communards You'll dance to anything by Book of Love You'll dance to anything by The Smiths You'll dance to anything by De-peche Mode You'll dance to anything by Public Image Limited You'll dance to anything by Naked Truth You'll dance to anything by any bunch of stupid Europeans who come over here with their big hairdos bent on taking OUR money instead of giving your cash, where it belongs, to a decent American artist like myself! You'll dance to anythIng

::sings a happy song and dances around the room:: he is so awesome. So... not like the other people... So much more like me. He cares. He asked repetitively. I want to see him again I want to talk to him more.

You Are An Evil Pumpkin Face You would make a good pumpkin bomb. What's Your Pumpkin Face? The Cure Shares Your Taste in Music See their whole playlist here (iTunes required) Which Musician (or Group) Shares Your Taste in Music? You Failed the US Citizenship Test Oops, you only got 6 out of 10 right! Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test? You Are Changing Leaves Pretty, but soon dead. What Part of Fall Are You? You Should Get a MFA (Masters of Fine Arts) You're a blooming artistic talent, even if you aren't quite convinced. You'd make an incredible artist, photographer, or film maker. What Advanced Degree Should You Get? What Your Sleeping Position Says You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front. Shy and private, you yearn for security. You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust. What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You? You Should Learn French C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs. You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up... What Language Should You Learn? Your Monster Profile Mad Beheader You Feast On: Bananas You Lurk Around In: Roller Rinks You Especially Like to Torment: Cops What's Your Monster Name? Your Element is Fire Your power color: red Your energy: hot Your season: spring Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention. What Element Are You? Your Love Quote Love is made by two people, in different kinds of solitude. It can be in a crowd, but in an oblivious crowd. What Love Quote Suits You? Your Inner Retro Girl Is 1960s City Girl What Retro Girl Are You? You Are Creepy Serial killers would run away from you in a flash. How Scary Are You? Your Power Color Is Teal At Your Highest: You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future. At Your Lowest: You feel in a slump and lack creativity. In Love: You tend to be many people's ideal partner. How You're Attractive: You make people feel confident and accepted. Your Eternal Question: "What Impression Am I Giving?" What's Your Power Color? Your Daddy Is Arnold Schwarzenegger What You Call Him: Papito Why You Love Him: He's the Mack Daddy Who's Your Daddy? oh god no he is DIE DIE DIE KILL YOU AHNOLD

LMAO long time no see eh? Well um... yes..... It is fun to scare the chickens with a mop. People in haunted houses really just wanna boink your brains out its fun to psyche out your firends when you go through a haunted house 2 times in like 10 minutes. Darkness consumes Flames lick away at your sanity Trapped... no way out Clawing against the crumbling walls Pain slices through you Angels weep Demons laugh As you fight, worthlessly Falling.... bleeding Slipping so easily into a dream of happiness No blood... no pain Yet it is only a dream Waking to bloodstained earth Charred remains lie beside you You look into the glazed eyes of who you were before They are gone now. You are free to roam Forever locked in pain... in shadow The spirit of a fiery death. yeppers byebye

i ama picture freak. i will just have to put them up eh? two are already up on venom. but there are many many more and they will all be equally as frightening and large and stuff arjay threw up blood today. sort of. it grossed jordan out. he is online now and i am pretty glad he is not talking to me.

I'm really tired. I'm sick of it all. I heard you tell her to kill herself. I heard the hope in your voice. And yet in my mind I'm still drawn to your impressionistic brilliance. Why do I suffer under you like this? You've seen what I did out of panic, out of love for you. You've seen what I did out of hate. Can you just turn yourself off and stop the pain? Can you for once be by my side to wipe away my tears? Would you kiss my scars as well? Could you look me in the eye and say "I love you" and mean it? And after all the pain you've put us through, and what you've said to her, I still care. You were the first one I loved. I kissed you first like I meant it. I let you in my mind. And look what you've done. YoU LEfT oNE hELl oF An ImPRESSion oN mE... aN ImpRiNt Of a RaZOr bLAdE AcRoSS mY WriST...

My cat is a fucking whore. She puts out to her 2 month old neices. Ew. Incest. She also puts out to her LITTLE brother. fuck! This band is cool. Everyone, go buy the fucking EP.

Joel is back I guess. I don't know whether to be happy mad or sad about this. I'll ahve to decide shortly Fall is here. go outside and look atall the pretty leaves. it looks like fire on the mountainside. And yes, the otehr two journals where that is also belong to me. I jsut I dont know. I liked the way taht looked I guess. For the most part, school is going well. Things could definitely be better, but I can't fairly complain. I just feel really behind and overwhelmed. I saw an old friend on saturday at the concert. I realize how much I miss all of my friends. Including Natasha and Robyn. I want them to come back. I want things back that I can't have. So many things. Can you help me get them back? I've been looking for myself for a while too, and I'm really missing that, too.

HOORAY HOORAY GREEN DAY IS IN A MONTH!!! SRY I SHOULD NOT DO THINGS OUTBURSTY LIKE THAT. BUT OH WELL! I AM JUST... EXCITED. IT IS THE ONLY THING TO LOOK FORWARD TO FOR A WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! went to see charlie and the chocolate factory today. hooray for johnny depp and being hot and creepy. hooray for corpse bride and oompa loompas. you know... if the oompa loompas were just 6 inches taller... they could not only help willy wonka with the candy... but with other, more personal things. haha i am dispicable. "do you even know what you're talking about?" "dragon flies???" went to best buy but it was all closed and shiny, so tony and mom got in a fight and we got dinner and all ate really quietly. then i went into my room and put barbies away and listened to screamy things... and talked to arjay a bit via TM.. Watched a little bit of Hedwig And The Angry Inch. That is a fucking awesome movie. michael pitt is hot with black stringy hair and and a silver cross on his forehead. i dont remember who the guy that playes hedwig is... but he is hot too. which is REALLY weird for me to say...because he looks feminine. but... his voice is really sexy when he sings and his lips are as pretty as franks. hahaha. franks lips are so sexy. muahahaha. i fucking know who your secret lover is.

I went to too many places now. I feel... so oddly empty in a way. I can't really explain it.. with words... I just... It's so odd to miss things that made your life hell... But still want them back. OH! Wait, I do that alot, don't I???

Someday, everyone will be sorry... I hate these feelings in my head and in my heart, but I can't make them go away. It feels hopeless to me... I can't explain them either. I don't make sense anymore... not even to myself.

* GRANGER SENIOR HIGH - CLASS SCHEDULE CARD * MORRISON, SARAH A. --- 1st Semester --- 1 AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE 1 210 WILDE B 2 INTERMEDIATE ALGEBRA HONORS 011 BULLOCK R 3 DRAWING 1 109 MOON V 4 ASTRONOMY 224 VANTASSELL 5 FITNESS FOR LIFE MAIN PARKER M 6 WORLD STUDY HONORS 016 FULLER B 7 CHEMISTRY HONORS 204 ATKIN S 8 ENGLISH 3-4 HONORS 006 BIGGAR T --- 2nd Semester --- 1 AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE 1 210 WILDE B 2 INTERMEDIATE ALGEBRA HONORS 011 BULLOCK R 3 THEATRE 2 016 FULLER B 4 COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY 209 MOORE S 5 HEALTH 603 DOUTRE S 6 WORLD STUDY HONORS 016 FULLER B 7 CHEMISTRY HONORS 204 ATKIN S 8 ENGLISH 3-4 HONORS 006 BIGGAR T well, I'm pretty much satisfied with that. only problem might be the drawing class. But Goddamnit, i will stick through gym. just ew but ok. well thats out of the way now. hooray.