so my nails are black and orange... very apropriate for October as far as im conserned. im too sick to do any school work becuase once i finish reading some instructions i forget it. *sigh* and Hayden isn't talking to me or comeing over cuz he STILL thinks that i don't want him over and he saposidly wants me to call him today but im not saposed to know. frick child! i was going to call him anyways cuz i missed him. he is Emo tripping way to hard core.... and its not even emo tripping its being a stupid dick tripping. so if he keeps this shit up i really couldn't say what will happen to our relationship. i don't see me as being selfish. but this time i may just have to be that. heres another thing... we had htis big convo a few nights ago and he got kinda pissed at me... i asked him "if i were in the hospital would you care?" stupid thing to ask eh? i would have worded it diferently but i was to sleepy to think it out. Him: "YES! i would be there in a heart beat." Me: "so if i were in teh hospital dieing you'd com to see me?" Him: "yes." Me: "what if i didn't want you to?" Him: "i would anyways." Me: "yet you seem to think i don't want you coming to my house now... so you don't..." him: "well... ya but..." Me: "and i could die in my own home just as easy as in the hospital... the difference would be in teh hospital more peopel would be looking out for me." he smiled and turned his head... it meant that i had won that little battle. it sadend me cuz he serioualy dosn't think that im sick. i am though. him and his sister both think im bullshitting and fakeing it. Age gets mad if i have a "jam setion" with Terry for an hour but later i can't seem to find teh energy to go hang with her. let me put it this way hunny... you try running for two miles as fast as you can. now take a brake for about five minutes and try runnign those two miles again. ya i don't think you would have teh energy. it feels the exact same way. and Hayden dosn't get, infact no one seems to, that the night i went to the hospital i serioualy could have died. if my throte got any worse (which it had a little while i was tehre) i could have stoped brething. but the part that sadens me the most is tehm not careing. alot of my other friends give me my space and a few even gave me hugs when i went to get my homework. Haydens mom was very concerned about my health. whatever... i don't care any more. i have a had enough of his bullshit and im on the fenecc as to weather i should dump his ass (not because of this) or still try. it's been two months of trying and i don't think its goign any where. ###################################################################### okay so on to a new topic... alittle while ago i heard music. now let me just say that i can hear music alot in my house and not just me. my mom heard it a few times and my friend Emo did too. Emo is very skeptic and dosn't bileve in a lot of things. so anywyas but i heard it today when i was on teh couch. thats the first time i've ver heard it there. it was avtually kind of interesting... kinda of old time muci witha pep in it... crossed with some sort of punky kinda music. i cnba't really explaine it but i would have like dit turned up a little more. the other weird thing is that the music always comes form downstairs and i often think i forgot my tv or music was on. but it never is. and my cat Jackie... well he's an older cat and it dawned on me that maybe he sings. (i doubt it, i mena he isn't teh type taht would sing.) but he is always wining to nothing but it has a rythem to it so you never know. i haven't tryed asking him yet. if im rong he'll give me a look of pure descust and walk off. lol. i love his atitude. :) and i miss Virgo talkinf to me when i get home. i swear she asked how my day was and where i was. it's nearly the same convo everyday. (she is easyer to interpurt than my other two cats) yes oh! and my dreams... oh theyu are strange... the first dream was about Nick, Cory, and Hayden. the first dream Cory pulled a gun out and said that i had to kiss Nick. os i did and he brought me into the computer lab and raped me. the second dream Hayden went realy crazy and spazed on Cory and Nick and said that i was his and he could do what he wanted with me and they cvan't touch me, so he took me to my room and rapped me. Nick came in and saved me by beating Hayden up. the third dream was last night and it was about .... i can't remember. hmmm... it invloved them though... oh ya! this squat team came in and tied us up and said i had to kiss Nick so i said no cuz i was with Hayden and Nick had his eye on a nother girl and i didn't want the to be screwed up for him but the squat team put a gun to our heads so i kissed hima dn they said we had to cat like we were goign out. and my dream ended. so all in all i have fucjed up dreams. they must mean somethign though. i could only decifer that the whole school thing in the first dream means that im worried baout my school worka nd the only thing i can think of for teh rest of my dreams is taht maybe i look to Nick as a source of safety and i feel that the other two are threatining my world. i odn't know. well i htink thats it. Later Days! *~Ashley~*