Everyday time seems to change and lingers into a new direction. I dont understand where I might go, what I might be, or who I will become. I face eachday different and I use past experiences. Yet, it seems to not do anything. I learned to feel and how to be real. but, I also learned that I am not complete.I look around at each morning each day and each night and see what I might better. Yet it seems to not do anything. I work hard at what I want to learn and work even hard at what might challenge me. I look for excuses andhave imperfections. Yet, it seems not to do anything. Fading in the background of my own life I try to watch what might happen. I want to find that person that is trying to break out of the rusty old shell. I want to break out of the shell that protects me from any pain, anger, sadness, and love. Lose the ability to be a coward in my own skin. I want to break out of the rusty shell and learn to trust the ones around me. I want to feel the parts of life that have been hidden. I want to find the people that have trust in me. I want to break out of the shell that protects me from life.

Life seems to take different turns at beating me up. hmmm... I pretty much gave up hope on romance right now. screw it.

I have moments where I feel lost but then I have moments where I no longer feel like I have to worry about anything. Obssessed with moments and time. I figured I would be. I doubt this makes sence at all but it will help me in the long run to just vent. I am confused only in certain situations and I over analyze. I break down everything for more than it is worth and I throw away anything that I feel I no longer need. I can be annoying and quiet I tell it like it is sometimes or keep it to myself. But in the long run I have a way of letting the person know the truth, I am not sure of myself at moments and others I feel like nothing has or will ever change. my life tosses and turns like a rickety old boat. I dont know what love is. nor do I feel like I will ever be loved. I seem like a downer but if you know me I like to make people happy and that in turn is what keeps me going. I believe in having a passion and I believe in working hard for what you get. I dont think it is right to give a half ass job when the others around are trying to keep you afloat. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, I know a lot and I know a little. life is to complicated for answers just respond with questions. time is to short for me to sit on my ass all day and right in a diary that is not being reread. I want to be loved and I want to learn to love. I feel like I am ready to go home, I want to get some surprises for my birthday, I usually say one thing and mean another. I like to take showers. I believe in second third and forth chances I dont want to judge anyone. I dont always keep my own secrets when I tell others to keep them. I dont know why I am doing this. Why does he not like me. should I give him space. if I died would anyone care.

ok, so heres my story I am a tad nervous with everything, but yet I am still wicked excited to do the fire department. I need to work on slowing down my breathing and to stay relaxed, I never really noticed my breathing patterns before this weekend but I take long deep breaths because those keep me relaxed. Ok, so I like this kid named brett hes an amazing person, sweet kind, smart, and cute. When I am with him its just awesome, I like it better though when its just the two of us. but something seems to be missing, we are pretty much teased constantly by, jim, and john (sometimes) but it doesnt bother me I just hope it doesnt bother him because I dont want it to make him uncomfortable. I also feel bad because I talk about him a lot, but whats neat is I talk to him a lot which is also really good. I can trust him.

last one standing in the back lost in the world of crazy misunderstandings alone and unarmed I cant figure out what I want anymore. This is depression seeping back into my dry boring life held together by my amazing and supportive friends. sympathetic sometimes though I still feel alone. I want to experience love. I know I talk and think about guys a lot but its not about the guys, well it is to a point I want to know what it is like to be touched by someone I care about and someone that knows me and understands where my world stems from. I dont even think I really experience love from my family its kind of sad.lately I can sence myself pushing people away because I am starting to become afraid of being hurt. I discovered that because I dont really trust men even my guy friends that I have sort of openned up to I am running away from. I dont like trust at all because so many people keep secrets. I know I have so many thoughts going on right now but I kind of just want to drift off into a sleep.

this is my forth entry in two days, I would rather write this than use other people. my thing is not a lot of peope know or actually understand why myself esteem is low, and I only understand how people are by sharing my experiences. I am no longer depressed but at times I can be upset or even well sad, I am rather lost but I will move past it. I dont know how I have friends at my current school because everything seems so DRAMATIC but also the ones I get a long with that arent dramatic I worry I might annoy them because I feel like I am around them too much, I kind of wish I was able to find myself again I was so happy with who I was when I was in high school that now when I become an adult I am so confused. I have an Idea as to my major but that is not all my life is about its so much more than that right? dropping out of this idea that there is nothing out there for me I do believe there is something I am just holding on to so much right now that it is to hard to get to it. what I have accomplished... 1. being able to live on my own and not feel home sick 2. strength to make my own decisions 3. knowing that it is ok to fail 4. knowing that when I fail I can get back up on my feet 5. I can ask for help 6. I know that I can try new things and work to get them done. 7. I can travel on my own or with people I dont really know 8. that in knew places I will be able to meet new people 9. the small things in life do actually mean a great deal. 10. I know I am worthy to be loved by others (family included). I need to write that list and for some reason I feel happy about myself right now. I know I am not ugly I know I am not fat I know I am smart I know I am good at something even if I have not found what it is I know I am able to love others I know someday I will be able to say "I love you" and not have to worry about calling it the L-word. I have so much in this entry that now that I am able to write it here I might be able to believe it at some point.

resting my head on air holding on to something that was not there looking back and wishing on the star dreams that never came true past hopes that failed goals lost nothing seemed to work but I still go on I still go on Drops of rain turn to tears listening to the music out side my window all I want all I need is out there waiting waiting to be found my broken heart covered in pain beat hard in the dark echoed in the lost mist of the morning I cant breath

loosened up but still feeling tight, hidden in side what might be right not letting go but not breaking free confused by not being able to see. I dont understand where does my life stand blocked by the clarity of some other man dignified by what you may discribed creating the one you want on the outside just listen to the outlines of the words I say dont you like the reason for my change. linked by the corners of the life I left happiness is something that I control deep within me where is my soul

my decision is I need to start writing again I need to let everything out this way! I have been far too open with my new friends even though I believe in being open is a good thing but to be open all the time is not neccisarily a good thing. I miss him so much but I am not his and he is not mine but I talk to much about him so by writing here when I want to talk to a friend of mine will help me keep everything to myself, I am starting to get worried though that having a friend of mine talk to him will make so that I will never have him again. he asked if my roommate was a round then a few minutes later he asked if I wanted to have him come over to help me out with everything. I dont know how to take that.. or what he wanted out of his visit. he was quiet and everything but I dont want him to thing I give anything out like that freely because that is not what a relationship is all about. but at the same time I kind of would not mind it. I dont know its almost like I am compleely different when I am not in a group. I do miss him he is a very sweet guy. I dont know what to say I mean he told me he just wants to be friends but the thing is I have a feeling he wants more but not saying anything and I never get that. I dont want the friends with benefits at all I am so over that. ugh mer goo han Ahhh. poop, darn it. I kind of like the feeling f wanting him and I feel like the only thing missing from this friendship is the phsical stuff. grrr. he has told me so much but not so much on himself. hm...

I want to leave and travel the world. my goal is to start with Europe and then work my way around. I am facinated by other lives and cultures and I want to learn how they live and how they work with other people. I hate that the world is getting unified through the language because having the different languages are fascinating I am such a curious person. I love this stuff. I want to know of a life style that will allow me to do this and then allow me to settle down somewhere. well I gtg ttyl. byebye

I am lost. I have this empty feeling. the need to be someone, be with someone, and to be somewhere. I am sad scared alone. I feel separated from the world and lost and out of touch. I feel like being around as many people as possible doesnt do anything for me. Loosen me up take me out. help me see the world. What guy would want me I am lonely. Sign me off to the side of life where the smiles are endless and all of time seems to be right. Loosen up the restaints I am lonely. Compounding binding connecting and strengthening.I find nothing I am lonely. Sadness is boring anger is dumb. nothing seems possible. I am lonely. Goodnight

Yesterday was odd, I had a random fever and the affects of it were being really cold, really, tired, and burning up. It might have had to do with the spider bite on my leg. My mom told me that there are only two dangerous spiders in Maine but they are not deadly. I am doing better today. I guess sometimes taking medicine really does help. Yay. lol. Yesterday was also the start of my 13 day work streak. I only hope that things go smooth. This last week with Ron gone annoyed me because we were the ones doing his work, oh boy how amazing that was. I felt bad for ellen because she knew more about the computer stuff than I did. I did not want to mess things up at all. The cool thing about the weekend was that I got to see John. Key word (see). I want to talk to him but hes always running around and hes only here once in a while. I also saw another guy that I think is cute but he is older so I dont know how well that would work. I slept for 13 hours last night. That was nice. I woke up three times. with three different dreams. All of which I was to get married in. I had a "love dream," that was nice I cant remember to much about it. I had an "abuse dream" that I remember but its weird it was one of those dreams were you feel you know the person really well and then at the same time its only in the dream that you have seen them. (I stood up for myself and did not break down from the abuse) that was good. "Happy Dream" That one I dont remember much either I think that was the second one and the love dream was the first. I did a lot of daydreaming too. I like day dreams because I get to control more of it. I dont really care where I go in life right now my goal is just to find something I love to do and that is pretty secure and go from there. I love working with people so I was thinking of Counseling and social work. I love art so I was thinking of Art management or art education. But I dont honestly know and that is ok. I will probably go to one of the career counselors at what ever school I go to and get help that way. I would not mind working for a university either but yea. I feel like I could type forever but It would get boring for whoever reads this because its just about my life. At least I am no longer thinking about killing myself or sex or random annoying shit anymore. Latas-C

I have a fever... forgot what that felt like... besides whooping... I have not really had a fever in like 3 years. I just hate it. I am emotional too. I cant sleep. I have been eatting which is pretty good. I feel weak though. I just ahhh...

I dumped guy, realized i still liked another guy, at the same time I am starting to want to get to know a new guy. I want to just take a breather and flirt out all my desires. yay...I want to have fun and meet knew guys I am definately not ready to settle in with someone but at the same time I want a relationship. If the right guy came a long I would try him out to see if its right but I would never really know. I am a bit lost though because I have no clue if I should be looking or if things are just going to happen. I dont want to dwell on it but I want to know about it. well got to run...-C

I am a breaker the ultimate. I am in your face and ready to kickbutt. I am nothing more than myself. I am an actor. I am pretend. I am not who appears here for everyone. there is more to me than what people sees. I am the entertainer.I feel no mercy no pain. I lost nothing with time. I am strong. right well thats not me. I am different from a show I dont hold back and I am important to the world. I will make a difference whether it is small or large I want to feel special and I am. I don't want to change the past but make a new future. I feel like the world is spinning and I am standing still. Lifes a blur it moves to quickly. blink and gone.to be continued...

That roller coaster crashed and is under construction. I never did find that someone to help me up instead... I did it myself. I broke my barrier and ended up in a tilt-a-whirl spinning till I throw up and then once it ends I am going to get back up onto my feet and start the roller coaster all over again. only this time I am going to work my way sideways to keep things steady, I am going to try to anyways I no there will still be ups and downs but right now. I want to work on keeping it in one direction. let it be that I found something I didnt like that crosses off the career choice in the future now I have some other things to cross off. Once thats done I will build the biggest roller coaster ever. a Adult life! interesting I am odd my life the carnival. I just dont want any clowns or side shows or games its a one act show and I am in the center ring, I am the master. just think the world is full of ring master, and clowns and acrabats, what are you? Putting on a show or is it the real thing? your the one to decide.. right?

I am up and down, up and down on this roller coaster. no passion, no love, no true happiness.. Just up and down, up and down. I climbed to the top of the mountains a range of beautiful white mountains to discover once you reach the top its time to come down. Where the passion, the love, the true happiness. I worked my way through school to gain my full potential only to discover there is always more to go. No end, no break, no real freedom. I went to work at a new job that my education gave me only to discover more responsiblities, more things to learn, and more real life. I am not looking for anything big any thing spectacular, just someone to go through this with and help me up when I fall or to look at me and make me smile just with the contact of our eyes. I am not ready to go alone. I am not as strong as I pretend, I want someone to call me on my bluff and see that real me! Will that happen? you tell me...

I dont know what I am going to do I am so freaking annoyed with everything right now. I am ready to flip I just want to get out of hear right now. I am lost with so much right now. I am lost for words, thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I am so nuts with my roommate that things are just frustrating and complicating and I just want to flip. I snapped earlier and I am just running out of patients.

I feel hopeless... I feel nothing... I feel left... I feel no strength... I feel tossed... I feel that nothing will come my way... I feel twisted and bent... I feel no one can or will be able to love me... My world seems to be done... I am sorry

I was thinking about a lot today. about who I am ? what I represent and where I want to go with my life? my true passion is not accepted by the present society while my present life is not allowed. I feel like sometimes I live in a shadow of my fake self and the last time I was really able to express myself was at McAuley. This world I live in is not something I am happy with. There is so much I want to change but at the same time if I change it I feel I might lose myself completely. I know that I am here and that those that I have met at SNHU well some of them can see it. At the same time I feel that there is something about them I might be missing. When I was with my friends from McAuley my only real worry is that things will fade between us. I was so happy there. And really I feel that being at school there is a small part of me missing. A friend said "the reason why we did not feel like such a flake is because we were both one." we blend well and I miss that the adjustment is hard to make when you have bonds so strong that the friendship there is where your personality lies. I have a few good friends here that feel like my McAuley Friends but at the same time we are still scoping eachother out to see where things are. My McAuley friends are all one of a kind. I feel so separated and lost that we cant share these times together... "These are the best days of our lives" people say, I have felt quite depressed but also kind of happy at the same time. My goal right now is to make it to summer. I can see my friends and find myself again, although I may have changed, my experiences here were more to say I was not perfect in college and that when my kids here what my growing years were like they will know it is ok to make mistakes its just not okay to dwell on them. I have my passion and heart, I have also developed skills. My dreams are coming true but my reality is in a way falling apart. I have lost myself in the midst of learning myself. The change may not be permanent but it sure is heck making things hard to settle down. "A Man Killer" I am I have not been able to settle because I am scared I am scared that I will be hurt like my mom that I will be hurt like others that I will not find that true passionate love that comes with the development of honesty and just. I may like many guys but all I get out of it is a strong friendship. I want security and an outlook on the future. I dont want to hold back and be circling the same life that will make me miserable. I want to travel, I want to see all options and come back and Be passionate and happy with not a worry or scare about the decision that I have made. I feel nothing toward guys just the first glimps I dont even know how to look deeper I want that ability I want to learn it. I want to be in love! Thank you