i enjoyed today. ridiculously. school was okay. everything went well. &i like everyone more and more each day. after school brandon came and got me. we went to bryan's to watch his house while he was at work. i love brandon. i really do. and not in the inlove way. i just love him. we talked, and he's moving next week, and it's a lot for me to take in, but i have to. he's eighteen. and he's moving with bryan. he doesn't have a car just yet, but he's getting one soon. anyway, he made me really happy. and we watched a football movie called the program, which was fine with me. it was good either way. timmy and derrick showed up. timmy played a football game after stealing a playstation out of a guy's truck. and brandon fell asleep on my lap. so i left. went to josh's. he was on the phone with his girlfriend, and they were fighting really bad, and he kept yelling and saying, "fuck," and then he stopped. and he got really quiet and serious and said. "don't ever ask me that question again." for some odd reason, this fight reminded me of matt and i when we would fight. and for some odd reason, i knew exactly what she had asked. she had asked him if he still loved her. after they got off the phone, he apologized, and we talked about the whole thing, and i reminded him that he's getting married to her, and has years and years to come. then he told me something that he's never told anyone else. he told me that he isn't sure he wants to marry her anymore. and that he thinks she's crazy and mean, but he still loves her. i could relate, because of matt. josh and i never really get time alone with each other, but when we do, we talk a lot about personal things. and i'm starting to like josh a lot. not like that, just in general. we talked about our fathers today. and keith and drugs. then keith knocked on the door, and we talked for a while until he left for his mom's. then we came back a few hours later, and george and kendra and josh were all watching a dracula movie, which was really really dumb and sucked compared to dracula 2000. we played card games and listened to music that i hate except i'm getting used to it. josh went to roll a joint, and i said, "i'm out for today." and keith got all mad and said that he wasn't and that i'm just a pussy. that's when josh put the joint down, and put the pot away, and sat next to me and said, "i'm with you." so everyone was sober today. keith was pissed about that, but i was fine, and i'm still fine, and i'm not tired before 3am like i usually am when i'm high. it's eleven, and i'm wide awake. usually i'm on my ass asleep. keith and i saved a cat today. maybe. she's beautiful and gray and has the greenest eyes ever. i gave her food and water and she ate. she's pregnant. it really sucks. i'm such a sucker for stray cats. but we already saved mc, so we couldn't save this one for sure. my mom's passed out on the couch and i still have homework. it's getting closer to my birthday and the holidays. plus, the esty days are coming up. which means old smells, feelings, and music. i'll be loaded with billy talent, i'm sure. it's something i do. around the same time each year, i'll do whatever i did the year before just to remember. not that i want to remember the esty days. but i loved them. fall's so fucking amazing. oh, i learned something today. josh is 21. not 22. he'll be 22 in ten days, and it's really fucking funny, because i thought he was turning 23 in ten days. now he seems really young. nick perry and i talked today for a few minutes about josh. not my josh. keith's brother josh. i don't know what's going on with that whole thing, nor do i want to know, i just want to stay clear of it, because it'll be a bunch of drama that everyone could definitely live without. ohwell, keith and josh are moving into mars hill this friday anyway. i'm really confused on this dating thing. i think i get lonely, and wish i had someone, but then i remember all the fucking bullshit guys i've been with in the past 12 months, and it makes me sick. they're all assholes, and a waste of time. i just wish i could find one, just fucking one, that wasn't so self centered and manwhorish. maybe one day i will. but until i do, guys can be in the friends category for good. girls are so much fucking better. [yet i'm staying clear of them, too.] speaking of girls. i have more male friends than female friends. maybe because all the female friends i tend to have are backstabbers. hilary for example. yeah, girls really suck. haha, nevermind. dating's so gay. i told brandon i want to marry him. and i don't. and we both know that. i just told him that to see what his reaction would be, and to talk about it. he wasn't all freaked like most people would be. he laughed and asked me why. i told him it's because we're total opposites, and opposites attract, and we'd be perfect and have lots of money that we can send to poor people and the kids in africa and the people that were hit by katrina. he smiled for a minute, and said that he agrees, and that it'd suck because he'd be a big time baseball player, and i'd be a rockstar, and we'd never see each other, and he'd get sad. that's when he came over and put his head in my lap and fell asleep. i played with his hair until he did. there's something going on between us, and it isn't like a boyfriend girlfriend thing, it's like a huge trust and comfort thing. we've both had fucked up childhoods, and we both trust each other, and we're opposite, and yeah, we are attracted to each other, but there's a stronger connection than that, so we use that one instead of going out. i'd like to kiss brandon one day. because he's a beautiful person, and he's a total asshole, but he makes me happy. actually happy. it's strange. am i typing too much? maybe. i feel like posting pictures and whatnot, but it's elevenohnine and i have homework and i have to wake my mom up and clean up the house. i raise myself. she works all day and night, and i'm gone 3/4 of the time, so it doesn't make a difference to me. making my own breakfast, lunch, dinner, putting myself to sleep, waking myself up, getting change together for any kind of food, cleaning the house as much as possible, taking care of the cats, yeah. she doesn't live here much. she just pays for shit. and i'm okay with that. my sister says she doesn't remember him at ozzfest. [she's such a fucking liar.] i wonder if the teachers at school like me. or if they wonder if i'm okay, or a little crazy, or just too fucking normal. and i wonder if they ever go through heartbreak. like the married ones. how they get into a fight with their husband/wife and then come to school and teach over 100 annoying little fucks that just make everything worse. i have so much respect for them. i think i'm going to sleep now. goodnight, sitdiary.