&i slowly slip back into depression. everyone seems to find love except me. bryan, ryan, greg, taylor, everyone. i wish i could find someone to love. but the only person i want is bryan. still. gofuckingfigure. i'm inlove, how gay. this past month has been the best month, i swear. even though i've been smoking more pot than i ever could imagine, and drinking, and doing any kind of pill, and even cutting again. i've loved this month. i love my friends, even if they start shit, or talk shit behind my back. they're all so fucking amazing. i adore them all. greg made me feel like someone last night. he should live closer, along with jon, so we could all hangout. mom took me to meijer tonight because i wouldn't move, smile, or talk. she said she thinks i'm depressed. so she bought me a new walkman, eyeshadow, and bandaids. we listened to music really loud with the windows rolled down. i can't tell what lifted my mood. new things, or the music and breeze. kaela and i are okay again. we were kinda iffy yesterday&today. really, i'm friends with everyone. not fighting with anyone. not even fucking taylor. i like it. so one of my bestbestbestfriends was almost forced into shit this weekend. you best believe, if i get my hands on that motherfucker, i'll fucking kill him within ten seconds. let a guy fucking touch one of my girls without their permission. brandon and bryan are still here. brandon was hugging on me on saturday night. it was strange. he said something to me that made me feel warm. it was me, brandon, josh, and hilary;; in that order, walking down the road with our arms around each other's necks. someone, i don't remember who, said, "we should have an orgy." and because we were all high, and having fun, and not caring, i said, "i call brandon. fuck josh. hilary can have him." and brandon squeezed me, and kindof whispered, "you already have me." i'm not sure what it was about that sentence, but my whole body got really fucking warm. brandon hasn't ever said anything like that to me, nor has he directly came out with words to hint that he likes me. i didn't say anything, so he said, "did ya hear me?" and i nodded. then he hugged me a little bit, and that was that. i like brandon, big deal. nothing's going on. nothing will go on. but i do consider him one of my bestfriends. homecoming's fucking next friday. who the fuck's going? everyone should. everyone better. it'll be the best football game ever. it's 1126. it didn't really take me that long to type this. dinner was ready. hopefully something really good will happen soon. hopefully.