i didn't want this to turn out to be one of those issues. where i look like a stupid teenage girl that's heartbroken and keeps running back to that boy and begging him to come back. i stopped that years ago. she says it's her fault. he probably tells her it's mine. but i agree with her. i've been against suicide for a while. but not once in my life have i ever pulled a trigger for a gun that was against my head. i did today. and it wasn't loaded. it's not good when i go that far. i'm thirteen. i haven't liked life since i was seven. my mother saw my father the other day. they avoided each other as much as possible. i don't think i have a reason to stay in decatur anymore. but i will continue to. because this is my home. and i refuse to think differently over a boy and an ignorant girl. the thing is, i didn't tell him how he feels. i told her how he told me how he feels. and he's going to say differently? that's a lie. either way, he did lie in this. one way or another. we were on okay terms today for a few minutes until they started talking again. and he started explaining to her. and telling her how she makes everything better. and more clearer. and she helped him to realize that i'm a fuckup. and that i'm doing nothing but fucking him up. i haven't cried this hard or loud since i was eleven and james told me that he had found lauren and that he lied about everything. i remember lying on my floor in my room, crying and screaming, "i fucking hate you." i only said that because i was inlove. and hurt. i did that today. i screamed that i fucking hate you. for the exact same reason i did with him. love shouldn't hurt. yet it does. and i'm done with love. this is it. after i'm over everything, i am done. unless this magically clears up. which it won't. they're going to keep talking, she's going to keep making him "realize" things, and yeah. i hate her. she's telling him how he feels. not me. why can't he open his eyes and see that? why can't he be the person i know? why can't he show that he cares? why can't he stop talking to her and listen to me? why can't he block her and fucking stop blocking me? goddamnit. i can't eat. i can't even keep my hand steady enough to get a new razor out. this isn't me calling out for attention, sitdiary, this is me telling you the truth. i'm actually heartbroken. like a normal thirteen year old should be. fucking great. thank you, "god." ifuckinghateyou. ps- i'm waiting for his xanga to say, "hilary and i are together now. i'm so happy." he's probably telling her how pretty he thinks she is right now. he was never inlove with me. and he never didn't care about hilary like he claimed. from autumn to ashes=love. "you break my heart into a thousand pieces and you say it's because i deserve better."