Anything I said about it.......... Sometimes I think I should just be done. Sometimes I just hide. and sometimes I just want to be loved.

Have you ever felt like a friend locked themself in the closet. And their body is now inhabited by this thing you don't know. You don't recognize. And they're not the person that you loved spending time with. They're not the person you could talk to about anything. I don't want to hate him but he's making it so damn hard. I want to search the entire fucking world and find the key. Open him back up and make him see me again like he did before. I didn't change. I'm still exposed. You're the one who crawled under blankets and won't come out. I could have loved you. But I didn't. Because it's not what you wanted. I held back so much. And it still wasn't good enough. And I'm not okay. I'm not sleeping. I'm barely breathing. When my alarm goes off, even though I've been counting down the minutes, I have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, go to work. And when I come home, a little more falls apart. And it's like I can't even feel anymore. I'm so numb. People tell me other things. Other things happen. He does something else. But it's just one huge blur. A blur of black. I am coated from head to toe in numbness. I used to believe that he cared. Now I don't think he ever did. I can't deal with it. I need somebody to notice I'm in a trillion pieces. But I smile. And make jokes. And say that it's okay. Life changes. I want the boy who told me how cute I was back. I want the boy who took off work for my birthday back. I want the boy who took me to see fireworks even though I hadn't since I was 5 back. I want the boy who didn't think it was strange that I wanted to lay in a field and stare at the stars instead of going home back. Unlock the damn door. I am not a terrible person for wanting this. I am not a terrible person for missing you. But I am a terrible person because I hate you for making your own decisions. And I hate myself. And have no emotions anymore.

I think I had the best 4th of July ever :) I miss Michelle and Karyn, they're both gone :( I x3 paychecks. And "catching lightning bugs" Ahhhh, dewy fields make my heart scream!

I am not happy anymore

Plans get thrown upside down so frequently. As frequently as my heart gets torn apart. So, I'm too much of an obligation. I'm sorry, I just wanted a day I guess spending time with me is more like work though So this means. No Taking Back Sunday -I took off work for nothing No plans today -I tried not to get my hopes up but they were. Nobody cares -And I wonder if they ever did. You Black Out Memories

...you would be in love Home alone. Home alone. For the third night in a row. It makes me giggle. Work Work Work Tennis Tennis Tennis Pretty much what my summer's been so far. Paychecks are nice though. I think I'm going to see TBS and Angels&Airwaves Thursday. I'm pretty much ready to cream my pants over that one. I stayed at Kristy's with Michelle and Em the other day. It was mega fun. Like megatron. I like how cute you are sometimes Actually, I guess I didn't come home last night. I stayed at Michelle's. After we went to the late show at the movies with her mom. It was amazing x10000000trillion Be jealous Fucking Do This Fucking Do That Monday I have a day off from work and I'm happy happy happy about it. I can't stop kissing you

I am sinking Tomorrow is the last day of school. Last day as a Junior. Then I'm a senior. HOLY FUCK. Something has been wrong lately. I can't put my finger on it. And I just want to make it better. I want things to go back to how they were New job. Fun. = money. sweetness. Tennis camp next week. Then I'm done with my graduation project. Yay. graduation I have to go Saturday before I work. Then I'm staying with Kristy. I miss my grandma.

Update. Life keeps moving forward And I'm stuck in reverse Lately I have been my insomniac, nightmare tortured, crazy concerned self. And I hate it. I still hang out with Treg a lot. We have fun. We can swim any day in November I need to find a job. I need money. Tomorrow night is the honor's banquet. I'd really rather stay home. Except I have no control over my own life. I need to find someplace to go this weekend or else I'll be forced on a family outing where I will slice my throat and hang myself from a tree. Happy thoughts. Are hard to come by.

So I'm into really mellow music lately. Or really screamo. No inbetween. Indecisiveness makes me vomit :) Prom was yesterday. Everybody was talking about how much fun they had and what not. I thought it was pretty boring actually. I left after court, at like 9:40. So I went back to Treg's and spent the night there... Dom and Kyle also stayed. Kyle was annoying end of story. And Treg decided that it was necessary for him to wear my pants. I kind of stole his first though. That's pretty much life. Today I slept a lot. So cough cough cough it up. Have you lost your breath? Or maybe that's me, Tearing out your lungs.

Yesterday was my birthday. I hate my birthday. Partly because people are so fake. LIKE OMG KRISTIN!!!! HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!!!!! Shut the fuck up. I know you don't care. You never talk to me any other day, so why be nice now? So a few people were really nice and I knew they meant it when they said happy birthday. Like I was talking to Treg and he said happy birthday the minute the clock struck 12:00 a.m. Michelle, Kristy, Karyn, Em, Kayla, Yeah I know they meant it like crazy. So for my birthday Treg took off work. And I went to his house after school. We went to Tunk. and got chinese food. Mmmmmmm yum. Then we just laid in his bed all night curled up. Because I was in a really shitty mood. He kept asking me what was wrong. To tell the truth, I just wanted to cry. But I didn't. I hate my birthday. So I was an uber bitch all night. And I felt bad like crazy afterwards. ................... my mom told me today that if we had such different morals maybe I should just move in with my grandparents. I was like okay. Yeah.................. Do you regret all your loneliness?

This week has been... wow. I don't even remember last weekend or Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I went to Treg's. Spicy chicken cheesesteaks are my new favorite food.... Then after I got home it seemed like earth became hell. First it was Brian wish his endlessy ramblings of how much I mean and how much he cares and how he's sorry for everything. Shut up. You left. I waited. And then I got tired of waiting. Now I'm gone. Get over it. And then the other stuff. The scary stuff. Thursday was fun though. After school Kristy, Michelle, and I watched the boy's tennis match for a while. When Karyn got done with track practice we went back to her house for MOVIE NIGHT I love movie nights. We watched Hostel. And ate tacos. We also went to Flynn's. Because we loooooove Flynn's ;) Friday... what did I do on Friday? I think school sucked. And all I wanted to do all day was puke. And I was all depressed and scared and worried. And I just wanted a hug, that I never got. Yeah, life sucks sometimes. After school I took my little sister Lindsey back over to the play at the school. It was fun :) Saturday was mega fun!!! I picked up Treg and Dom and we went to SUNY for this free concert. We got to see Hellogoodbye, Straylight Run, and Motion City Soundtrack. You may have heard of them :) It was awesome. We also got Starbucks, ohhhh it was AWESOME. Today Grant's here. I love waking up to a baby screaming when I feel sick. Later I have tennis which should be fun. Next week is going to be crazy. Setting up for prom on Tuesday,Thursday, and Friday. Wednesday is my birthday. I hate my birthday........

Its been a week? You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex Umm, events that have passed. Things I'm supposed to write about... Easter was good. Easter Monday was boring. Tuesday after school Treg came over. Him and my little sister Lindsey constantly harassed me and made fun of me. Oh the fun. Wednesday I was dumb. We'll leave it at that. Thursday morning I apoligized. One of the things I hate doing most in the world. So then Thursday was good. I went home with Michelle and we went riding. Then we went to the volleyball game. Friday I stayed after to get things ready for prom. Then I went to Treg's. Today I was really really bored. Then I went to Tunkhannock with mom. Then I went to Treg's. And kind of stood up Brian for the second time in a month. Oh well. The kid deserves it. Blah..... These roads go on forever

No more medical problems. Hooray for bactrum I suppose. Please, I've got so many ripped knees. The rest of the week was better. Except right now I feel like if I cried I'd be happy. I have crazy emotions like that sometimes. Unexplainable. Thursday was the last day of school before Easter break. It was pretty boring if I remember correctly. Mom got her Washington D.C. pictures back. I love them. There's a cute one of me and her, and one of Michelle and I infront of the WWII memorial, and one of Treg and me that I kind of like. I mean if he didn't look like such a sped all the time :) Friday I went to Treg's and then we went to Dom's for Godfather movie night. Good times. This morning I Went to Grandma's picked ashley up at the school, went to Kristy's washed my car, got icecream, came home, cleaned my room, hung up some stuff... blah blah blah. Tomorrow is Easter. Family bonding. And I guess we're celebrating Mike's birthday also. I'm leaving.............. I wish I could leave this place for good.

Hiiiiii baby The past few days? -Nothing short of amazing. -if the doctors turns you on. Explanation? If you're smart you'll figure it out. Saturday I went to Treg's. I Heart Royce. Sunday I went to the mall with Karyn. Well, actually two malls and an airport. I hate airports. Too many people. Too much anxiety. Too much fake love. Does love even exist? Monday, I suppose Monday was acceptable. Tuesday the fun began. Doctor's appointment. Lecture. Today I just got harassed by everybody. Somebody even asked me if he gave me a disease. What the hell? Yay for dumb rumors and stupid attention whores. And jealous old flings are the hottest things going these days. Yay for the green monster. Easter break after tomorrow. I haven't even really been looking forward to it. Easter = overlooked. Last year we didn't even have Easter. Because we went to Florida instead. My family is messed up. When you're left with only a bullet, I'll bring the trigger and the promise to pull it. I Promise

I despise picking a mood. Mainly because there are so many that usually fit. So I'm bored. And I don't know what I'm doing today. And after two days of going EVERYWHERE and having no down time, having nothing to do sucks big time. So Thursday and Friday was the Washington D.C. trip. So much fun. I love my random friends. I heart Damien. And ordering $140 worth of Chinese food. Duck duck dry hump? Hiiii cutie ;) Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

People suck Not the happiest way to start an entry? Well, I'm not the happiest person in the world. I'm sick of my friends getting hurt. And even worse than that I'm sick of my "friends" hurting me. Yeah, I said it. Its cool if you have an opinion of somebody, but keep it to yourself if one of their good friends is there. And even if you can't, then at least don't exclude that person. So lately more and more I've been realizing who my real friends are. The ones that are there for me all the time. Whatever, maybe it just bothered me because it was such a long morning. This weekend was weird. In addition to figuring out the people who are worth caring about in my life I've also found stability. Yeah, who'd have thought it was possible? For once things seem to make sense. And who cares if he has the same shoes as Michelle? :) I'm ready for summer. Oh, and just for the hell of it, exactly one month until my birthday. 17? Somedays I still feel like I'm twelve. Maybe thats a good thing? If only it were 11:11

Could it be an actual update? Which hasn't happened since God knows when! In all honesty, I'm just really bored and not tired enough to go to bed yet. Umm, life lately... Confusing I guess you could say. Then again, when isn't it? Black and white doesn't exist. Skiing is over :( I'm all sad like now. I had some pretty sweet times this year, great memories. Minus PJ almost killing me on the last trip, but you know, I've gotten over that! I got my prom dress, its amazing. Completely 1950's style. The other day we had off school on a random Wednesday for pretty much no reason at all. Go figure. Kristy Michelle and me went out to Vestal. 3 words: Best. Day. Ever. Chinese buffet, Wal*Mart, almost getting kicked out of Target, and craft time with Kristin... oh yeah. Then Friday I went to Treg's and watched some Family Guy and Garden State. Saturday night I had a "family dinner" with my one grandma. Sunday I went to Treg's again. He forced me to watch YouTube. And I must admit it was slightly amusing. Monday sucked ass. We'll skip Monday. Although I did eat Chinese again. It owns my soul. Tuesday... I can't remember. Wednesday...doctor's appointment. Today... nothing that interesting. Tomorrow my mom's side of the family is all going out for my other grandma's birthday. It's going to be tons of fun!! (at least I hope) I can't wait for it to warm up so I can start tennis again. And I'm rambling, like always. There's only two weeks until the Washington D.C. trip. I'm crazy excited! 2 words: Hot tubs.... The simple ways we roll our eyes are exactly how we disguise our secrets. You know you need this.

Hmm... new entry. Life = Good. So thats about it :)

I think I forgot about Brian. And I'm talking to Tony so much more now. How twisted is that? A week after everything happens. It was like good-bye. And Tony is sooo hott And sweet. WHY DOES DICKSON CITY HAVE TO BE AN HOUR AWAY!!!!!!!!!

I can't think straight anymore. And everytime I talk to him I feel more and more like a cheating whore. And I'm not the one cheating on my boyfriend. He's cheating on his girlfriend. And I feel awful. But oh my god, just to be with him again.... I know I'm never going to be over this. He acts like he isn't either but who knows. Nobody ever knows. And I just think about when he's leaving. And I cry. I get so upset about this all the time. And then he talks to me He says how much he misses me. How much he'll miss me when he leaves. And I'm so happy that he thinks about me for even ten seconds. Its just that I don't know if ten seconds is all he thinks about me for. I am so stupid, so so stupid. And I hate how I still care so much. I still care SO much.