Have you ever felt like a friend locked themself in the closet. And their body is now inhabited by this thing you don't know. You don't recognize. And they're not the person that you loved spending time with. They're not the person you could talk to about anything. I don't want to hate him but he's making it so damn hard. I want to search the entire fucking world and find the key. Open him back up and make him see me again like he did before. I didn't change. I'm still exposed. You're the one who crawled under blankets and won't come out. I could have loved you. But I didn't. Because it's not what you wanted. I held back so much. And it still wasn't good enough. And I'm not okay. I'm not sleeping. I'm barely breathing. When my alarm goes off, even though I've been counting down the minutes, I have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, go to work. And when I come home, a little more falls apart. And it's like I can't even feel anymore. I'm so numb. People tell me other things. Other things happen. He does something else. But it's just one huge blur. A blur of black. I am coated from head to toe in numbness. I used to believe that he cared. Now I don't think he ever did. I can't deal with it. I need somebody to notice I'm in a trillion pieces. But I smile. And make jokes. And say that it's okay. Life changes. I want the boy who told me how cute I was back. I want the boy who took off work for my birthday back. I want the boy who took me to see fireworks even though I hadn't since I was 5 back. I want the boy who didn't think it was strange that I wanted to lay in a field and stare at the stars instead of going home back. Unlock the damn door. I am not a terrible person for wanting this. I am not a terrible person for missing you. But I am a terrible person because I hate you for making your own decisions. And I hate myself. And have no emotions anymore.