so i ended it with nicky...a lot of people said it was a good idea and their happy i got rid of him but im still not sure yet. i kno he wasnt treating me right so i guess if he doesnt pay enough attention to me like he really didnt then i should just go find someone else.. but its hard, i got close to him and i really trusted him :S.. and when i did it , i was like " i dont think its going to work out " and hes ike "watt" and i was like " me n u " and hes like " ohh okay" and thats it.. like he oculdnt even care and just trying to be all cool about it .i was just like fuck uu ..wtvv im done with it

i am so stressed right now its not even funny. i cant believe how much i am freaking out. its not even anything that i should really be stressing about yet either.. i mean yeah soon in the near future i should but i should just take things as they come to me and not worry about them now when they are not in front of me and i cant do them yet anyways. also nicky is stressing me out cuz i dont think he likes me but he tells me he does but he doesnt call me back and stuff and i kno hes busy but its just annoying..and i want him to tell me that he doesnt like me so i can just get over him and go onto someone else but hes making me stay with him so its like he wants me to himself just so that i cant go to anyone else kinda thing but yet he doesnt want me .. its so dumb. wtvvv iunno what to do anymore im gonna go insane..bye

i dont think i have ever felt so alone in my life..i cant even talk to anyone.i mean i could if i wanted to but i just cant . like i know i have a lot of people there for me but i just dont feel it. i dont kno how to explain it really. school is over today and i should b happy but im just not :S...i dont kno what i am anymore.nothing is making me happy.

so ive had it pretty good for the past while...friends are good and schools fine and stuff and then 2night it came..bruno got mad at me.and for the stupidest reason in the world.its cuz he knew he was wrong. he made me cry and i still havent fixed things with him. i wanna hug him but hes so far and id rather fight in person cuz i can handle it better like that. i just cant take it cuz he makes me upset and says im not his friend n e more but doesnt tell me why until after he tells me and its cuz im right about sumthing he doesnt want me to be right on. i dont get it :(. its not fair.and i dont kno if hes gonna talk to me still cuz he said he didnt kno and i have no one to talk to or to tell because i cant tell ne one .i feel so alone and i dont kno what to do. and im stressed with school these next 2 weeks and i have school 2morrow and its 12 in the morning and iunno how the hell im gonna get up tomorrow. im like throwing my year away cuz i didnt study for anything. i just loved it when he wasnt mad:( ...

so today just sucked..i dont think it could get that much worse rlly..so i stayed home cuz i felt sick and then i got my french oral done n everything but like i feel so bad about myself..i rlly wanna lose weight and tone myself up but its rlly hard so i bought this journal to write everything in but then i tried doing my tapes and it was so hard like i barely got thru them and couldnt finish them cuz i had to run to the bathroom and almost puked. and then for my guys situation isnt rlly making me feel any better about myself. i rlly want a bf but i want to have my "ideal" body first and i just dont know how to do it anymore..so i made a deal with myself starting tomorrow...no potatoes, *like anything cooked with them* 4 pcs of bread a day, 3 bottles of water, a salad at supper and do my tapes 5 times a week. my goal is to be the size i want to be by June 9th...exactly 6 weeks from tomorrow..lets see where im at then. -Chelsea-xox-

so this is what it feels like to break down...wow it sucks.. so me and kanne are on our own now cuz shits ended with steph and shes uninvited to pnc but me and steph are okay like i told her were still friends and we can do stuff sumtimes and talk and stuff but ya wtv and then dom doesnt like me cuz im too big he says bruno doesnt kno if its tall or fat ..wtv im gonna start working out again and fucken show him when i go back in the summer man fuck and then school is stressing me the fuck out like with all the projects tests orals and shit ..wtv i need the next month to be over .. -Chelsea-

so last night me and kanne went to go see him and now ya its totally over..hes so cute and stuff but i dont really meet to his *standards* cuz im too tall and czu i didnt talk as much as he wanted me too...well you see i couldnt talk because everything they were talking about i already knew about him. wtv it was fun while it lasted..gotta move on -Chelsea-xox-

..and it ends ...

i think im falling into it again ..

wow i havent written in a rlly rlly long time for like almost 2 months. well things are going alright i guess...they could b going better but its all good...so 2morrow i find out if i got my job and my mom got me another job doing sum fashion thing so at least ill have money soon hopefully. no bf right now i wont have time for one til the summer ne ways but still itd b nice.. i rlly want a bf for the summer to just do stuff with and aww i miss it . im over my ex totally now i dont even talk to him ne more and i dont even wanna see him cuz i could care less bout him ne more. i cant wait to get money so i can go summer shopping cuz its so close. im almost done school in like 2 months and i kno it seems far but once these next 3 hard straight weeks of school will go by there'll only be like one more month and im rlly excited :>:>:> .. -Chelsea-xox-

genia just pissed me the fuck off. shes sucha fucking annoying bitch i fucking hate her. i want her outta my house right now. i want them all out.

i love him so much but he doesnt even bother with me now. i just wish we were back together and how things were when we were going out. i really dont know how im going to get over him because he means everything to me right now. i just wish i meant the same to him . it really hurts . i talk to him and he just writes "k" and so i just stop talking cuz id rather not talk and feel strong then talk and feel disappointed and unwanted by him. i got all my hw done and im really trying in school now cuz i think that is gonna b the only thing i have left in the end . i just really want him :( just to see him and kiss him and have him hold me . my god why am i so unlucky

wow what a weird and retarted day today was. first me and kanne go to fairview and nik was supposed to meet us there but then he goes to pick up his bag at stephs first so steph and him go meet up with genia at calories so me and kanne go to fairview and are shoping then she calls me and says that hes with them so i was like wtf okay wtv then i hung up and nik called back and hes like ya im meeting you sumwhere now and im like okay so we met up with him but they came with him so me and kanne were just like wtf so they left cuz they felt "sick" ...basically they felt awkward because we werent talking to them or walking with them so then it was me kanne and nik and we shopped and i bought 3 shirts and then we were talking and we told nik why it was so awkwardness cuz they hadnt told him so he didnt understand what was going on. anyways stephs sucha bitch for doing that tho and this morning she goes and tells me that she blocked and deleted him and he blocked her and tonight i get home and frankys on brunos msn and steph was on so just to make sure to see if the bitch was lying i ask franky if hes talking to steph and hes like ya and then im like on msn? and hes like ya on brunos so now im calling kanne cuz thats just bullshit ..shes not just gonna fucken lie bout this shit now...shes fucking things up for herself now..she could try and fix it but shes not helping the situation..wtv its her life not mine. xoxoxChellaxoxox

i cant even explain it all... i fucking love him and hes so gay . hes so mean to me and i just take his shit cuz im too scared to lose him :( . my familys so messed up right now . i dont even know what to do or who to go to anymore im so lost. i just wanna be left all alone but then ill lose everything. theres no winning. ill never b happy with anything

bruno's a fag. stupid retard telling k-anne stuff i didn't do

i hate guys

im so fucken angry holy fucking shit im gonna fucken hit something my mom is sucha fucking bitch she isnt letting me do shit for new years cuz she thinks imma go get drunk and fucked offa my ass well fuck that this is the last fucking time i sit at home on new years this is just fucking bullshit. im the only person that i know that is sitting on their fucking ass at home on new years everyone either has people over or is out at a party or hall or wherever. FUCK HER. this year is gonna b so fucking boring cuz she wont let me do shit but fuck that i dont care what she says n e more. my brother went out when he was my age so i am too i dont give a fuck what she says she cant control me n e more xoxoxChellaxoxox o btw happy new years

wow today was real weird. i got grounded for a week cuz i went to go see nowel mike and marc. but i didnt get grounded for that, i got grounded for saying i was at the library instead my mom didnt even care who i was with. but she sent my brother to the library and he told her that i wasnt there so then she called me and i lied to her again and stuff and shes just mad that i lied to her. wtv i dont really care that im grounded. this week is gonna b a bad one cuz i have so much school stuff to do.my french orals on friday and i havent started it yet:S.neways imma go xoxoxChellaxoxox

okay whoa wtf:|...first steph has a guy that she talks to then i talked to him once and now he wants to fuck me and then now theres k-annes guy who she went to this place with in the summer and now shes close with him and talks to him on the phone and then he added me on msn tonight for no reason and he wants to meet me and do all that shit with me too .. and then tonight im out with steph and kanne and we walk into a dep on sources and i see this guy nowel that lives down my street with a hot guy kinda ..and then i go on msn and nowels like my friend says your fucken fyne and now hes talking to me on msn and he wants to see me tomorrow at nowels house like no sexual stuff or ne thing and im like wtf:| ..and then trevor wants to see me alone without steph and kanne but nothing sexual or wtv and its just like 4 guys over me at the same time .. im just really not used to it:S xoxoxChellaxoxox

im listening to the song mockingbird and its making me cry its so sad. my life is so messed up right now but itll all b fixed in awhile..all you can do is hope. xoxoxChellaxoxox