I'm feeling distanced from everyone. I want so much from D, and we're so good, but so bad... R and I go up and down, sometimes we're so close, others so far apart. I miss DM. The talks, the silent understanding, more emotion than we bargained for... And J... Oh J. I want to lay in his arms and listen to the beating of his heart so badly. How I miss him. 2 of the above mentioned 3 are married. I am married. I still dream of C. Can't get him out of my head. I miss him so much. It till hurts. It always will. I don't think I'll leave my husband. I've realized that I want what he has to offer more than I want to be with someone I love. Security. A house. Stability. I have so many secrets inside. So very man ysecrets. Sometimes I want to be alone again, with no secrets. I want to be alone, uncommited, however commited just the same. Who the hell came up with monagomy anyways? It's stupid bullshit. I miss J. I want D. I want to feel his hands in my hair and on my body again.. I thirst for his words of desire....

Wow. I never thought I'd be returning to this place. And yet here I am again, as this will be my only friend. My life is so complicated. I've been playig a part for hte past 2 years, and it's catching up with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He kissed me for the first time last night. It was so amazing. Ever touch, every look... I meet him at the C. He walked out nad right up to me, and kissed me over, and over, and over again. I wanted to devour him. He feels like fire on my skin. We ended up having sex in his truck, and it made me feel like I was in highschool. We're both married, and I'm good friends with this wife. But I am who I am, and I need to stop denying it. He loves his wife with all his heart as well, but he knows who he is. I am miserable in my marriage, but am too afraid to leave. I'm content, well taken care of, and t truly would KILL my husband if he knew. So, I'll stay, and quietly do what I need to do to make things work. If he finds out, we divorce. If I don't do what I need to while keeping it underwraps, we divorce. So, I'll do what I can to try and keep it together. But back to last night with D... I can't stop thinking about it. I crave his touch. I have for the years I've known him, but never thought I would actually egt to experience him. Just thinking about it makes me want to touch myself... I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but for hte next few nights I know I'm going to be hoping my phone goes off and it will be him seeing if I can get away again. Part of me wishes it never happened because I feel like an addict already waiting for the next hit. Part of me is so glad it finally did, because it's so good, I wanted it so bad, and it helped me come to some realizations. So long for now....

The beautiful girl. The one with the delicately tattered wings. They're healing gracefully. She's pruning her new feathers and mourning for her lost ones, but are they really lost? And the fact that she still has the strength to grow new ones, let alone prune them, shows you just how beautiful this beautiful girl really is. The one with the delicately tattered wings. She's gone away. But she'll come back. And one day her wings will be as magnificent as she is, and she will learn to fly. AND THEN WE WILL SOAR TOGETHER. Would you like to join us? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JASMINE Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine it's not the same without you, dear. Come back! :)

I can't sleep. I called Christopher...For some reason today I just don't want to talk to Jessica. Not that I'll be able to really talk to her 'cause she never has time to sit and talk, and whenever we talk she's always surrounded by a bunch of people and doesn't really listen to what I say. So I called Christopher...And talked for about twenty minutes. It was pretty good. We talked abotu him deploying a little bit, he tried to make me not worry. He said tha tthere is no reason to worry, and he kinda has a point. He is very good at what he does. Him adn I are so good together, and when he talks to me like that and it makes me feel like he's right there in front of me holding my hands making me look at him as he tells me this, trying to take away all my worry...It's hard. I love Jessica, I really do, adn I want to be with her forever and always...But I know it's not going to happen. I guess part of me is just waiting for her to fuck it up. Ehich in't good, and I really don't know what the hell I'm going ot do when she does, if she does, but...I DON'T KNOW!!! I'm just so confused about everything tonight, and I know that tomorrow it won't be so bad, but for now...I don't feel right feeling the way I do.

So Jessica and I have been apart three days adn we are both not handling it well. I love her so much and I realize a lot of things even in the past three days being away from her. I love her so mcu hand I can't think about anything but her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, go home to her every night, wake up to her every morning...I want to hug her, hold her, love her, and fall asleep with her in my arms....I ve never felt quite the way she makes me feel before...We are so amazing together, and I pray everyday that it works out...

Why must everything be so difficult????

Wow, what a morning. Sometime through out the night my phone shut off, my alarm shut off, yet I managed to wake up at exactly 6:45am. My phone shutting off isn't too weird, but my alarm shutting off is. Not too happy about that. Tried printing this morning, and it wouldn't print, just kept jamming the printer. Ugh! So I finally got it to print, but whatever. Took about 6 tries. I hate our printer! So overall this day has started off horribly. I want to leave school, so crawl into bed with Josh make him skip his classes, and sleep the day away. I do believe we had a day or two like that over break...Haha. I managed to stay up there with him for all but one or two days last week. It was so nice. Didn't sleep much last night...and in two weeks he's gonna be gone...Not sure what the hell I'm gonna do then. Thinking abotu quitting Village Pizza and working mon-thurs at Shaws. We will see what happens...

So I am going to spend yet another night here with Josh. And Kevin is staying agian too. YAY! Kevin is pretty cool, I like hanging out with him. Weird not having Robbie here to make fun of me or rub my head. Jamie called me this morning...Her boyfriend is in jail...haha...but she hasn't drank since tuesday, so....I guess I'm gonna hang out with her for awhile today. I think I've only spent one or two nights at home this week. I love waking up to Josh next to me....He had his arms wrapped arounf me hte entire night the other night. I didn't want him to get up, it was so nice and I was so comfortable..... So yeah, Wally, my moms husband started a job on Monday (Oh my God!!! The alcoholic, cheating looser actually went to work!!!), and then he didn't com home wednesday night cause he was staying at his girlfriends house, and he came home thursday while mom was shppign and when she got home he told her he was sick and wasn't going to work that day (But he really wasn't sick). So Friday morning he went into work and called her an hour or two after she dropped him off to go pick him up because he 'quit.' He's such a looser. My mom supports him as he runs around on her, she buys him beer and everything. She's so stupid!!! Grrr... Well, seems I have nothing else to do except continue ot ramble on about how amazing Josh is....I'ma end this...haha...

So...it's 8:37am, and while Josh is sleeping still, I am down here on his computer. Where do I want to be? Up in bed with him still. BUT, if I stay up there I'm going to keep waking him up... because I want him awake, and I want to lay there with him. But he needs to sleep. Cause he's still tired. And he doesn;t have class until 11. So, right now I am talking to one of his friends...Amanda??? Not the same Amanda that I was talking ot last night. Kinda weird talking to his friends, but whatever. I need a shower. Thinking about taking his towel, and going to Zach and Marks, and taking a shower. I'd be back before he woke up... But no. Maybe after he takes a shower and goes to class I'll take his towel and go to Mark and Zach's and take a shower until they get out of class... We will see. Can you tell I'm bored? I just kinda ramble on about absolutely nothing. But hey, it's giving me something to do to amuse myself... And you don't have to read this....

Today it rained. It was a nice rain... warm... Josh said it was cold. 34 degree rain, to be exact. So he says. I smile when I look at him. More to myself then at him. It's nice to see him smile back though... Four weeks and then he's gone... Until after Basic. That's about... Three or four months. Three or four months of alone time. Time to think... Time to do... And time to think abotu how much I hate Basic, and how being alone really sucks!!! I realized yesterday morning waking up and seeing Josh next to me sleeping... How much I enjoy waking up next to him, and in his arms. He kept pulling me close the other night... It was comforting. Blah...I don't even really know what I'm thinking right now. I'm tired. I like it when Josh touches me. Feeling his hands on me is SOOOOOO good! Stella~ Hopefully you had a better day, and you aren't so mad and upset. Know I am thinking of you and hope that you're doing okay. I can relate to a lot of things you put in your entries, and it's nice ot know I'm not alone, but it's not nice knowing other people are going through things that really suck. Keep your head held high, and don't ever let no one, not even yourself, bring it down. MUAH!!!

It's such a nice day outside. So warm, and with a nice breeze...It's great! Trying not to think too much about Basic today...Josh and I talked about it last night, and it made me feel a littel bit better...but lately it's just hard to not think about it, and I'm not sure why... Chris called again last night. I was suprised, as usual. He wants to come up and hang out so we can talk about things. So far we're doing pretty good trying to get things to friends status. We've come a long way from me screaming at him every time he called or sent me a text. I did not handle the break up very well, even though I'm the one that ended it. Then again seems we were still up in the air because he 'wasn't sure' of what he wanted, I didn't exactly end anything, did I? I don't know, al;l I do know is that we're working on the friendship which is nice, because above all we were friends, and I don't want to loose that.

So...Last week was horrible. I've been living in a fairy tale world for the past month, and last week was my downslide. Man, I hate moodswings. Today is awesome though, even though I babysat all day, because I get to spend the night with Josh. Not only do I get to spend the night with him, he doens't have to be anywhere until 1:30pm tomorrow. I'm excited!!! I actually get to spend some 'quality' time with him. I've missed him soooooo much! It made me think a lot about when he leaves to go home, then when he leaves for Basic. But whe nhe leaves for basic, I get to think about the fact that I will be leaving for basic three weeks after him. Then after basic I'll get to see him. Not a lot, but better then nothing. Twenty weeks of AIT together in th esame place. I hope that we get stationed together after that...But we're not going to think about that right now.... So, hopefully Josh gets back here soon...He's out running. I should be out running, but I can't keep up with him. O well, I'm sooooo happy, and it's nice to have two people in this relationship, and seems like we're wanting the same things too....so it's all good, and I thank everyday that I have him in my life. He's sooooooooooooooooooooo amazing, and he makes me happier than I've ever been before. Thank you, Josh, for everything you do...and for being in my life! MUAH!!!

All I wanted this morning was a Vanilla Chai Latte. But no, the bitch had to give me something with coffee in it! And I did not feel like turning around and walking all the way back to town to bitch at her. GRRR! So... I'm not going to California. Nor am I going to shoot guns saturday. I think I'm going to develop film today. Make some prints. Stay in the darkroom and listen to my music and try to get in a better mood. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So my film came out, a little dark, but it's okay. Need to let it dry now so i can cut it up, make a contact sheet and then make some prints. I have to work 3:30-5, 5:30 today, and I DON'T WANT TO!!! But I cant say no. So...I'm babysitting. Yay! Which means if i get to see Josh at all today it will be me hanging out with him while he's at work. Not that that bothers me, but I wont be able to be close to him and lay in his arms or kiss him or anything. But as long as I get to see him it's okay...And hopefully I will see Melissa today too... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i see you and me making forever got me thinking of things i said i would never just looking at you puts a smile on my face and laying with you my heart begins to race so i kiss your hand and pull you close cause being with you islike an overdose you're my drug and you get me so high it's like a fairytale with only happy tears to cry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, the school day has ended pretty good. Goign ot go uptown and get my check, MAYEB stop by to see if the owner is workign at the Randolph Depot and get a real Vanilla Chai Lattee. Grrr...I'm still irritated thinking about htis morning. Hope I get to go swimmign tonight, then home and bed early. Sounds good, but don't think it will happen. We will see...

I woke up today and wanted to pull the blankets back over my head and go to sleep again. Felt like today was going ot be a bad day. And it has been. We had interviews in school today...and I didn't dress for them. So...I had to find clothes to wear for the stupid interview. Though I made a good connection, the guy that interviewed me is part of a Reparitive Justice Board out of Northfield. I love when we get off track. We talked abotu the Army, and me wanting to be a Juvenile Probation Officer...Today I don't want to do anything. And...There is talk abotu closing Ft. Drum. As well as many other bases actually. I'm irritated by this. I have to go running today, and my knees are still killing me. Not sure why they're hurting to begin with, but they are. I talked to Dereck last night. I didn't think that his life could get any worse...but it has. I feel bad that I live so far away and he can't just drive twenty minutes so we can hangout and talk face to face. And for some reason today I feel like Josh isn't here. I feel like he's miles away from me. I don't like that feeling... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So...I'm going to California for DECA. April 26th-May...3rd. Had to check on that one. One whole week away from Josh. One week I'm not going to be here before he leaves. Ugh! Mr. Sugarman came in to check and see if the meeting we had scheduled tomorrow about my early graduation was still on. I told him I still wanted to get out early but had no legitimate reason to. He said we should still have it. Nice to know he supports me. SSG Simon should be here anytime to go running...So, I guess I should go.

WOW!!! I heard from Brian. There are definently things I hate about the military. LIke not being able ot hear from your friend, or talk about where they've been and what they've been doing. But, I may be in that position someday, and I can understand it. It's nice to know that you're not forgotten. Josh ditched me to throw a football with my brother last night. But it was cool. He also helped me babysit for awhile yesterday. Today I get to donate blood again, go swimming, mentoring...spend time with Josh??? And Melissa!!!!! Babysitting today was okay. I had a Chai Latte today, it was soooooooo good!!! I like the Randolph Depot. haha! Sorry Melissa!! Bye peoples...

My mom just called to tell me that my grandfather drove himself to the hospital. A while ago they found cancer in his neck. I'm not really sure of anythign though because my mom told my grandmother not to tell me anything, that she would, and she doesn't really. Besides, she's also a habitual liar. Anyways, I just called my grandmother, and she didn't even tell me. I told her mom did and she's like, 'Nothing's wrong he's just got a cold and has been sleepign a lot.' Which is bullshit. Last time I was down there which was a few weeks ago he was doign the same thing. He's got lung cancer. His breathing has gotten horribly worse, he's sleeping all the time, and it's not a peaceful sleep either. I envy my grandmother, she is the strongest person I know. I've only seen her cry once, and that was over being worried about my grandfather. She apologized for not telling me anything or calling me before my mom, but she did't want to call me until she had some information for me. Ugh. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should be with my grandmother but my mom is bringing my brother down instead. My grandmother and grandfather were married very young. They were alcoholics until after I was born. Then they cleaned up. They kinda had too 'cause my mom wasn't goign to play mother. She was too busy with her own drugs and partying then to worry about me. My grandfather never does anythgin for himself. My grandmother cooks, cleans, and waits on him hand and foot. He doesn't even get himself something to drink. She does it for him. She never voices her opinion if it differs from his. But never in her life would she ever think about getting a divorce. She believe s that once you take those vows, you're in it until the day you die. I get a lot from my grandmother, my values, my beliefs in some things (such as marriage), and...I love her more the nI could ever tell, show, or put into words. She is my hero, my role-model, and my life. For her sake, I hope that my grandfather is okay. I love him...but he's not a big part of my life. I hate the way he treats my grandmother, his attitude and beliefs, and his temper sucks. I hate how he always needs to be right. But he has done everything he can for me, and will continue to do so. It would break my grandmother if he were to leave. And I'm really not sure how I would react. Ugh, I'm crying right now. I'm gonna go back into the living room and play with the girls...

Last night was nice. It was cool hanging out with Josh's room mate. Could definently get use to sleeping next to Josh everynight though...already am a bit. Saturday he's mine all day!!! Haha, I'm sooooo hapy. I can't wait. We were talking last night and I realized just how different I feel with him then I have with anyone before. I mean, some things are the same...but I can talk to him, about anything, I trust him, and I'm never uncomfortable round him. I feel safe when I'm in his arms. I feel liek a little kid, 'cause I always want to straddle him and put my head on his sholder and wrap my arms around him. I always start to fall asleep too. We'll have to work on that. Melissa forgot the girls' bathing suits yesterday, so we couldn't go swimming. But we are going to go today. YAY!!! I can't wait. I hope that my mom lets me stay at the college again tonight, though I'm not exactly sure that I want to ask her permission. I will though...I guess. Hopefully Wally goes out and about when I'm home. Then I will ask her. I want to stay with him tonight. And tomorrow he's going to be with me!!! YAY!!! Excited to spend time with Melissa and the girls tonight. I love being with them, but I tend to put Josh first. Oops! Hopefuly she forgives me. I've gotta get english done though, all late work needs to be in today by 2:20pm. Wish me luck!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ English is done, saw Josh, miss Josh, want to be with Josh tonight...REALLY BAD! I'm already getting really use to being with him. Wish I could go home to him at the end of everyday. And be with him during the day too...But yeah...Hugs and kisses...Miss you....ANd I'm such a pathetic sap, but I DON't CARE!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I just got a text. From Adam. He apologized for some things he said, and he misses talking to me. Jason sent me a text earlier today. I was supposed ot call him tonight. I saw Michael day before yesterday. WOW! One more person to call me, and we'll have all the bases covered. SO weird. The timing makes it out to see like they're all plotting against me. But it doesn't make me question being wiht Josh, or where I am, or the past choices I have made. There are reasons they are not in my life now the way they once were, each in their own way. I also saw Mark. Makes me that much surer of Josh, and what I'm doing and of myself. SO now, I get to rebuild the friendships that I want rebuilt, and say fuck the rest like I've already done once.

I am in a mood today. Not sure how I feel, or what mood I'm in...but I'm in a mood. I have a headache, I'm freezing, even though I have a sweatshirt on, I'm not really tired...But I want to be asleep. I feel lost. Like I'm wandering. Alone in empty white space. No color. No floor. No ceiling... Just empty space. And I am in it, wandering... Lack of emotion sucks. Never in my entire life did I think I would say that. Too much noise in my classroom, so I'm going to wander into the silence of the jr. high. I love having the freedom to roam... I WANT FREEDOM! I WANT TO STAY HAPPY! I WANT TO STAY WITH JOSH!!! AND RIGHT NOW I WANT TO BE WARM!!!

Today has already been a long day. For some reason I just didn't want to get up this morning. Nor did I want to let Josh go back to class. I was fallign asleep with my arms wrapped around him, and I wanted him to stay. BUT I'm suppose to be a good influence on him. Ugh! He let me stay in his room while he was at class. It's so weird when I'm in his room and he's not there. His room mate came in this mornign while I was sleepign on the Futon and was like 'Woah. So you finally got here last night?' It was kinda weird. So much drama in our classroom right now! Josh flipped out at Steve RIGHT before I got here, and now Drew is freaking out about our english teacher...Today is interesting!!! So tomorrow is play practice. 4:30-7. After that I think that Melissa and I are going to take her girls swimming. YAY!!! Girl time. Josh will be working, but he will need to do just that, work. So that's pretty cool. Need to find some motivation somewhere, cause Cecil is letting me do so much and miss so much school, and I feel bad about stopping doing everything. Hoping to get out of school in May...Not sure what I'm going to do after that. Move out for sure! I'm not really sure too much. Ugh, guess I've gotta get back to work for awhile. Clean my desk area maybe. Haha, see how well that goes...

Staring at him, he's the only one I see My hand on his face as he's looking back at me A simple smile comes across my face And I feel my heart change it's pace Speeds up, then skips a beat As I fall to my knees from my feet Kissing him so soft, so slow, so right Staying up with him all through the night Nothing else I'd rather do Just want to be that close to you Not sure how often you check this, and it's kinda weird knowing you read this...but I'm okay with that. Thank you for being a part of my life. You are truly amazing in every aspect of the word...